Read my mind. Know my thoughts
Lately, I never felt genuinely happy. There's just so many things that comes into my mind all of the same time. I always act cool and strong. But the truth is I'm really vulnerable right now. I wanted to reach out. I wanted to talk to somebody. I wanted to scream! But the thought of knowing that no one will ever hear my screams made me silent.
Listen. Hear my voice.
It feels like, I'm alone. Everyone has someone to turn to in their time of need. Well, except for me. Av has CJ, Berna has Donald and vice versa, Jes has Toto, Sir Rani has Glenda, Jabs has Glads who has Maine, Arn has Elena who has Rachel and TinTin, Jeane has Jomar, Jebs has his friends at Kuya Jun's and his FEU friends, Manong has Boss, Gypsy, even though she doesn't feel it, has Manong and Jebs. I have always been the friend who is always there. Supporting, sacrificing, being a mere observer has always been my roles. But is it really a problem if I'm the one to ask those roles from them? Am I really not that important? I'm I just a friend whom they call if they have a problem? I think being a friend is so more than that. It's about being there even though there is no problem. Being someone to share your views and share some laughs. I guess no one will argue about how I treat my friends. I'm always at their service. But right now it's my time of need. Where are they?
Look into my eyes and see my tears falling.
I'm just trying to be strong in front of him. Maybe it's my pride but I don't want him to know that I'm really hurting of what he is doing to me. He keeps giving me the cold treatment. He always keeps his distance. He jokes around with me but when I do with him he just ignores me. I always do my best not to cry. Not to look miserable when he's around. Even though in school they always see me cheerful. But within me, I am crying. Now that I think that our friendship we'll never go back from where we left it.
He says that I should not be too kind because people would take advantage of it. But from what I'm seeing, he's the one he's talking about. It's about preference. After my use, he would just threw me out as if I'm trash. Although I fell like he doesn't know what he is doing. I just couldn't grasp that he would treat me differently when he needs something from me.
I'm really jealous of Elena right now. But I'm not angry with her. I'm angry with Arnie. He doesn't communicate with me for a week, and during those times I'm constantly thinking about him only to find out that he calls Elena every night on her cellphone?! After our little trip to Nueva Ecija, after his General Assembly, after our badminton Sunday, then he would not call me or text me? and yet! He's calling Elena! It's really frustrating to know that you're not that special after all even though you felt special. I guess this is the down side of being a gay.
It's been a week since my infamous Freezing field. I'm still giving him his dose of ice cubes until he has frostbites. I don't have regrets. I would keep this up until he finally see my worth.
Touch my heart, Feel its wounds
I'm trying to drown myself with all the works in school. But the truth is, that is just my conduit to escape. I'm a coward, not being able to face problems. It's just that, I am not able to express myself to others the way they express theirs to me. Many times that I listen and gave advices. But I'm also human. I also feel the grief, the sorrow, and the pain of life. And with no one around me "to care", I feel as though I am really ALONE. I have always been alone. I just don't want to accept it. That I would always just be the "friend in times of need". It is always in my character to be caring, but now, it is I who needs caring the most. I always try hard to make a smile around people. But they always fail to see what I am inside.
"If someone wants to be part of your life, he will make an effort to be in it..."