I was succumbed by that melancholy feeling. Every inch of my plump body simply plunged to a weary state. All the while, that recent song plays repeatedly on my mind. Drew looks at me, I fake a smile so he won't see... Fake a smile so he won't see... I uttered so slow and lonely.
Wilberchie mood. I have always had this mood. It was just a surprise why it came to me now after all the stressful nights I had the week before. On one side it was a good thing, it means that my brain wants me to think so it will not rot. On another side it was a bad thing. This is going to be a sleepless night.
I feel like a house in a Potemkin village. A house whose facade is as vibrant as the shining sun but whose interior is as hollow as a drain pipe. There are many unresolved issues within me that I am yet to cope. People may see me as a person of strong personality. A tree whose trunk can withstand the many storms of life. But sometimes this tree wants to put his branches down, and simply be a tree. A person. A person susceptible to mistakes and sickness. A person who has needs and likes. A person whose personality is not as stagnant as a coke in a bottle. I am a person. I am human. I also have feelings. I also cadge for understanding.
I don't regret that I chose the path of a homosexual male. It has ups and downs just like straight persons. According to my keen sense of observation, I am enjoying and enduring both at the same time. This is a Wilberchie moment so I won't talk about the ups.
I love him. But I can never have him. If I can have him. I'll turn him down. I can see a bright future ahead of him, I don't want that vision to blur. I want him to have a wife, kids, and live as a normal husband and father. Adding more on more to my jar of emptiness. Borrowing a line from Teardrops on my guitar, he's the only one whose got enough of me to break my heart. He took all the pieces of me that I gave him. And now, I am sensitive everything that is related to him. I can say that holistic Wilberchie would not exist without this man. But, there's only one thing I can do, think about him and sigh. Think about how I can come up with a compromise, hiding in the abyss that he owns my heart. One more time, the song echoed through my head, and suddenly, a teardrop fell on this purple folder. I'll bet she's beautiful that girl he talks about, she's got everything that I had to live without... and then another...