Pesteng ulan! Ang melancholy tuloy nung mood sa bridge! Nainspire ako isulat to!
It was raining in Carmelray that morning. Chilly winds keep upturning my umbrella. The left side of my jacket is already wet, unable to fit in the shade. I approached the best part of the Industrial Park. The Bridge. Well... for me... As I walked onto the bridge, a familiar song played through my headset.
Put away the pictures
Put away the memories
I put over and over
through my tears
I held them till I'm blind
They kept my hope alive
As if somehow
that I keep you here
hmmmmp... this post will be all about you. Yes you. The boy I really love from the bottom of my heart. And this will be the last of the blog posts about you.
To tell you honestly, up until now, I still love you. I still love you very much. But as always, only part of me loves you. Because another part of me loathes you. But don't get me wrong. I am serious about being adamant of leaving you behind. Part of me that loves you already gave the white flag of being with you. This is it again for us. It's another end. Another dead end to our relationship. Maybe its inevitable that we are just bound to just pass through to each other's life.
I will not apologize to you ever for everything that I wrote here in my blog about you. I'm sure I said this to you before, this blog is an extension of my mind. I cannot hide the fact that everything that I put here is simply the things I thought about. I tried my best to hide your identity but of course people who know me personally knows who you are. Believe me, its hard to fight my inner demons to name you. But I know that despite whatever you did to me, you still have your right to be loved and be respected.
The only reason why I chose to delete you as my friend in Facebook is because its the 1st step to moving on. To tell you the truth, every time your name pops up on my wall, my heart jumps. Everytime I see that you're online, I don't know why but my heart races. And everytime, it kills me because you don't have the time to talk to me. My heart breaks because I know with certainty that you are contented even without me in your life. And that made me realize that, you are simply happy without me.
I think I became intoxicated of my deep feelings for you. But now I'm sober. I already overcame the feeling of longing for you. Also that feeling of loss. The loss that I felt because part of me was gone. I always said that part of me was completed when you came back. But now that we have decided to leave each other behind, I have nothing more to say but thank you that somehow you made me feel whole even in just a short while.
We already tried, but we weren't able to salvage our friendship. It think the reason for it is simply our stubbornness for a compromise. Whether it's your fault or mine, the fact still remains that it's a failure. But in the future, if we ever meet again, I think it would just be too complicated if we were to start again. Primarily because of the many issues surrounding our current status. Although I'm not closing any doors. What I'm trying to say is, it will be a very difficult friendship.
Remember the last time we parted ways, I told you that the next time we meet, I'm already a licensed Chemical Engineer? I was right! Now, I'm going to try to be more ambitious. The next time we meet my name will be this:
Atty/Engr. John Wilbert N. de Guzman, MS Eng Sci, MA ed, MS Chem ed, D. Ed., Ph.D.
It's ambitous I know, but one positive thing that I learned from what happened between the two of us, is never to underestimate myself. I know I can do it. I know I have the brains for it. And I will make you my fuel to finish all of these. I want to show you my true potential. I want to show you who I am as a person, as an engineer and as an academician. I want to show you who I really am.
Finally, this is it. Our last goodbye, but before that, allow me to be mellow at least one last time:
Nagpapasalamat pa din ako na dumaan ka.