Faux pax, when literally translated to English, means "False Peace". This is certainly what I have in my heart. Up until now, I seem to be happy with the events in my life. But in truth, it is easier to hide behind a mask, and bury my pain behind my cerebellum.
I didn't move on.
I can't move on.
Not unless I hear what I needed to hear.
The truth that he pusillanimously veiled in secret.
I act as if it didn't matter to me. I act as if it was all behind me. But when my defenses are down and my vulnerability is switched on, all feelings of anger, pain, and love all seep back to the surface.
Did he really just did everything out of revenge? Are everything he said lies? Or was eveything real but he just abruptly changed his mind? Is it because of me? My brilliance aura? Is it because he was jealous of my abilities? Is it because I'm gay and he's bi? Is it because I'm plump? Is it because he found new playmates? Is it because he's closeted promiscuous bisexual and I was a getting too close to his secret?
All I have inside are questions and conjectures. Nothing specific and accurate. That's all I can do since I was stripped of the opportunity and the power to go beyond the line of uncertainty.
I have one solemn wish. I wish that I may given one chance to finally close this book. I want break the chains that hinder my ascension to better things. I want to activate my vulnerability without being haunted by ghosts called loose ends. I want my faux pax of hiding behind a mask be replaced by the true peace of knowing the truth.
I find it sad that some people neglect the chance to close their gates. They are lucky enough to have some control over events in their lives. Especially those that will change it forever. Although gifted with the ability to change the status quo in their lives, they choose to remain in the faux pax of their created illusions.
It is understandable to fear change. Change begets change. One change can cause a chain reaction of events that eventully can be hard to control. But choosing to stop the initiation of change because of this is detestable. Everything in life is uncertain, no amount of conjecture and wishful thinking can influence the flow of events that will happen in your life. It is only through action that you make things certain.
Everything in life is a gamble, and it is only when you decide to play this game of chance that you ultimately enjoy the fruits of your gamble or you learn a life lesson from your loss.
Don't be scared to start the change. Yes, you may lose some of the reactants as the reaction progresses, but it will create new products in the process. And it is up to you if you will make the products useful for you or you dwell in the loss of your reactants.
This change is sparked by the acquisition of truth. Start with that. Eventually you will come to understand that living in your faux pax world is burdensome. And as much as it sound like a cliché: The Truth will set you free.