O beautiful

This film is one of the most powerful film I have watched. I was never one to look at the technical aspects anyway because I'm more curious of the story, the characters, and the implication of the film in real life. Anyhoo... enjoy O beautiful.

This film is an after story of a hate crime. A story of what-if's and wishful thinking. A story of regret and penance.

Part of me empathize with Brad. His emotions in the film really push some of my buttons. Probably because I experienced them too. Though I was not in anyway raped before, I understand the feeling of terror when Andy came back with his truck. The thought of someone not part of your inner circle knowing what you are brings out the phobia in any budding gay kid. Not to mention, this guy who came back is friends or even teammates with Brad's rapists.

I understand Brad's reaction all too well. The self-pity. The rage. The defensiveness. The mellowing. The resolve. It's as if Brad represents all there is about a gay kid's life. The five phases that I mentioned encompass the 5 stages of moving on of a gay man, well, for me at least.

I remembered shutting myself to others because I was afraid other boys I'll think that I'm just want to be friends with them for their bodies. That's why my initial reaction when guys approached me before was evasion or a shiver, just like Brad did when Andy tried to wipe the blood using his bonnet. I still have that fear even today and I am always very careful around other men around me.

There were two instances that Brad mellowed out to Andy. That one time the Brad invited Andy to his house and in the truck when Andy was fake asleep. I've always wondered how it turned out if Andy obliged to Brad's invitation. If Andy just accepted the invitation, Brad wouldn't have ran away. I imagined it to be a window of weakness for Brad, it was a risk asking a guy whom he barely talk to to come with him to his home. That's why I perfectly understand that when Andy turned him down, his defenses went back on. Then in the truck when Andy was faking he's asleep, he told him he was lying. He told him the truth. He told him that he was a virgin. He bared himself to Andy...

"but tonight..."

When Brad was touching Andy's chest, there was no lust in his eyes. He just wanted someone or some guy to care for him. Someone with a warm chest and a sturdy shoulder so he can shed his armor of bravado. I can totally relate.

That's why I perfectly understand when Brad turned on his defenses after Andy confessed that he watched the whole ordeal. He was thinking he found the guy that he can trust, being the first person that he told his true persona, only to be betrayed at the last minute. oooh boy... I totally relate.

In retrospect, Brad not taking Andy's hand when he was trying to give a handshake is simply a defensive mechanism. But I can imagine that it was pretty hard on Brad's part evidenced by a long pause during the handshake scene.

In my mind, Brad was crying both in rage and disappointment for the boy he thought he could trust.

This character is a very complex one. That's why I fell in love with David Clayton Rogers immediately after the last scene. He provided the right emotions, expressions, and repression to make the character likable, believable, and human. I may not like it, as I picture Andy as a perfect but broken guy, he's a closeted homosexual. Yep. he is.

I can describe Andy with one word, CONFUSED. He is confused of trying to be a good person yet tries so hard to protect his image especially with his peers. He knows that what they did was wrong, but was afraid that he will be called a fag if he stops his friends. He believes that being a gay is not ok with God but deep inside him, he knows, he is one. And that's his reason for not coming out of the closet, he speaks of religion but the truth is he's just afraid.

All throughout the film, we can see a very unstable Andy, one scene his shouting and cursing, yet in the next scene he will be friendly and nice. This adds to the Confused description that I gave him. He's not exactly sure how to handle the situation. He came back to help, but was not expecting the antagonistic response of Brad. That pissed him off but tried to calm down and still help. By the end of the movie, it was revealed that he was guilty for what happened to Brad. He watched as his peers sodomized this gay kid in front of him. He was so guilty that's why it came to the point that he allowed Brad to touch him. If you would recall that scene, that was the time that his face really looked as if he was thinking of something heavy. Then... He confessed to Brad that he watch.

One line that redeemed Andy for me is the last line...

"Hey Brad... Send me some... postcards or somethin..."

I think this showed that he really showed compassion and care for Brad. Brad may or may not oblige to this but I'm sure it will be on Brad's mind.

I love this film. I can keep watching it again and again. oh Dvaid Clayton Rogers... Why are you so beautiful?


Plus Plus Plus

Last Friday maybe the most life changing Friday in my life. I spent the night before that thinking of what I should do and surely enough, I got something out of that hour walk from the office to my house.

I expressed myself.

Some might look down on what I did; Call me stupid. an ingrate even. But one thing is clear to me: "People who are not forward thinkers tend to settle with the past and with what-used-to-be's". They are contented with the status quo and a push of the envelop is looked down upon. Everything packaged in their perfect Corporate world.

I was even told to be unprofessional that day. As if the definition of professional is utmost obedience. Not on my dictionary. I believe I was very vocal of my reason why I accepted my job and given the circumstance that time, I held that reason very dearly that's why I refused to be transferred to another section. The circumstance has changed and the bias has been unearthed; Time to move away from one's stresses and into real happiness.

I can the defend the move that I did. I am quite sure that I am very much qualified to fill the post and so does others.

Bahala sila magtaasan ng kilay. Basta ako... I'm in my zone.


To him, I yield

All this years, I have denied that I ever felt something for this guy. I have spoken all techniques of negation of the subject. I even tried, though with a heavy heart, pulling myself away from him. But to only go back beside him because he needed me.

I made a decision to hide my feelings for him because I know for a fact that it will be complicated. Though, that did not stop me to show that I care for him deeply. I just acted normally as if everything I do is normal for a gay friend to do for his straight guy friend. I just thought that I am his pseudo-girlfriend, without the hatid-sundo drama and the sex part. That's how I acted, and people soon recognized our situation.

The people around us began questioning our relationship. They began teasing us because of our closeness. My pseudo-girlfriend act became a real girlfriend act in their screwed mind.

Eventually, I pulled away. I retreated to another avenue in my life just to save myself from hurting inside. I want to always stay by him. I want to always talk to him, text him, see his smiles, his bare torso... I wanted to serve him because that's the only way I know I can show that I love him. I didn't want to say it out loud; I just want him to feel what I feel for him.

There came a time that I forced myself to relinquish my feelings for him. I saw that he was happy with his girl and I was not even close to him both physically and emotionally, felt that it was time to let him go. It was the best thing to do for him and, most especially, for me. During one of our out-of-town trips, I cried silently while I stand atop a hill. I let my tears silently fall while my heart tears up inside my ribcage. No words were spoken at that time. Simply ghostly tears and the pain slowly fading away in that high altitude.

I managed to channel my love to someone else, and eventually forgot my feelings for him. I moved on in a sense. There were chances that we had to close physically, but I was contented of the fact that we were just friends.

Fast forward to the present time, just like old times, we have been texting. Sometimes I start it, sometimes him. He's still with his girl. I'm still single.

I find it awkward that everytime he texts me I feel like a querida. I feel like we are talking about things he should be talking with his girlfriend. I feel like being a pseudo-girlfriend again. Though I won't deny that he still has a special place in my heart, and I have a feeling I have one too.

That sounds soooooo self-serving but that's what I feel. I remembered one time, we were walking along a highway; it was our first time to meet after a year or so. He mentioned he wanted to be close to me even for just a short while. I knew then that there is something between us. Not on a lovers level but not simply just on a friendly level.

Sometimes, I just want to tell him to really own me. Make me his. Tell me that I am his because honestly, that is really our relationship is. We just need to make it official. So that I can shout to the world that I am officially his.


Goodbye Bitterness

The year 2013 is a fairly good year for me. I had no major setbacks in my life. No biggie. Just a few somethin somethin from work of which I have no control over.

I am putting this into writing to symbolize that I am letting go of the bitterness of this particular event. Though I am letting go, doesn't mean I will not base my future decisions on this "trivial" matter. This particular scenario, in my opinion, showcases the weakness of our section. But let's not spoil the fun. You be the judge after I explained my side.

I never actually thought that I will be praised for the 1st one since it is just a simple transition effect using powerpoint. After being praised for the 1st teaser that I made, I rev'd up my gears for more creative teasers for the major event that was assigned to me. I spent a non-OT paid weekend to conceptualize an effective campaign for my teasers. I even downloaded related items from the internet during the same weekend so that come Monday I will start working on my concepts.

After two full working days, I finally finished the 2nd teaser. Friends, I present to you the unreleased 2nd teaser for the 17th CIP Season:

I really felt good after I finished the material. I know for a fact that it was fresh and it was never done before. With pride, I presented it to my co-workers in the office and of course to my supervisor and received positive feedback. That is why it came as a big shocker when it went for final judging, it was ultimately scrapped.

The reason? It's NOT CORPORATE.

I slaved for 2 days. I even conceptualized unpaid. Yet, it was all scrapped because the material was NOT CORPORATE.

FUCK right?

I was on brink of a tantrum that day. Good thing friends and people from other sections were very supportive. Without consent, I sent my work to selected people in the company to get their view. I got positive responses as well. No surprise there.

It was then I realized that I will never be able to show my true potential in my work. Call me an onion skinned bitch but that is true. You cannot present an out-of-the-box idea to someone that is already close-minded to accept the idea and expect a positive result. I've read somewhere that free-spirits or those in the creative business don't work well in box, three dimensional prison called Corporate world.

Hence, starting that day, I never placed my whole creative output for each of the things that I design since it was a well thought of material for me. I used the Minions' popularity because my intended audience were the new hires and was clearly set to create awareness. Then they had the nerve to say that my campaign was not effective since no one is aware of it.

Duh! Yeah, because I made less than worthy of my talent materials after.

That particular scenario really did a blow on my confidence (ok yeah, my ego too!). It was something that I made with all my creative talents yet was deemed unworthy to be released by simply not being corporate. If I remember correctly, I had comments like the other managers will not appreciate it, etc. My point is, they were not the intended audience anyway. They already know the project, why entice them?

One thing I can assure you. I'm not Kiss Ass.