Change of Heart

Change of Heart

The other day I claimed my new rims in Quiapo. On a whim, I decided to just walk from our place to Quiapo and back so I have plenty of time to think about things that were bothering me; Particularly this dilemma that I was having.

Gob-stop Realization
When the schedule for GDC classes were rolled out completely last Sunday, I was dumbstruck with one timeslot for Alabang:

06:00pm - 07:00pm - Hiphop with Gelai
06:00pm - 07:00pm - Hiphop with Paul

My initial reaction was: "DAFUQ!? NASAN ANG HUSTISYA!?". We were already struggling with getting students to attend his class and then you'll have an MMS with the same class ON THE FUCKING SAME TIMESLOT.

I made a decision to go to Alabang right then and there. I knew there is a possibility that it will be cancelled due to lack of students if I don't add myself to the list.

But then... hit me like blunt force trauma to the head. "DAFUQ! NASAN TALAGA ANG HUSTISYA!?"

GDC ALABANG: 06:00pm - 07:00pm - Hiphop with Paul
07:30pm - 08:30pm - Street Pop with Chrissian


How on earth can I be in Alabang until 7pm then 7:30 in QC? Just a bit of a trivia, I was the one who requested that Street Pop class for my squad. I am supposed to be there. I SHOULD BE THERE.


With the heavy heart, I decided to stick to Street Pop. But that didn't mean I will not do anything for my teacher. I started messaging my classmates in Alabang if they were willing to attend HH with Paul on Saturday. I was lucky to have been able to get to affirmations. With the last one to complete the go signal coming from a student that informed teacher early on (I have a good idea who this student is! HAHA!).

I know you may be asking why I did that. Because I clearly know the disappointment for a cancelled class. I felt it. I felt it so vividly it broke my heart. It is the main reason that I became Teacher Clyde's student. If you know me well, you know that I am an empath. I feel other's emotions as if they were mine. I felt Teacher Clyde's disappointment and frustration when his class in SM Aura was cancelled due to lack of students. I could have enrolled for that last slot but opted not to in favor of taking a break. That's why when I came back to SMX, I felt that sinking feeling of melancholy from him. It broke my heart. That's why I enrolled in his Adult Beginners Class on whim.

Like a bombshell, a realization just exploded in my mind...

"Am I just projecting my feelings and aspirations for Teacher Clyde to my new Hiphop teacher?"

Is it real or just a projection?
When Teacher Paul first invited me to his class, I was so happy. I attended it even at the cost of earning the ire of the bosses in TADS. I am positive that I perfectly enjoy his classes especially the one when we did Water by Usher and I have been killin' his classes ever since. I am the type of student that grows exponentially good when I have good relations with my teacher both academic and here in my dance classes. I'm pretty much eager to enroll in his GFP class for this summer.

until this realization...

  • Eagerness to attend his classes
  • Ensuring that all his classes are a go
  • His regular students growing
  • Excitement to enroll his class for GFP
  • Ensuring the numbers for his GFP class
... these are all my dreams, functions, and aspirations for Teacher Clyde. Things that I wasn't able to do due to our short period together and his sudden departure. Things I will do willingly unconditionally for him. These are all for Teacher Clyde. not for my present teacher... Questions. Questions. Questions.
"Do I really want to enroll in his GFP class? Do I really want for it to prosper or is it just a projection of my dream for Teacher Clyde? If I did push through in having his GFP class, will it give me the gratification like that of having Teacher Clyde's class?" "Do I really want to attend all of his classes? I also enjoy Teacher Chrissian's, Teacher Myka's, hell, I enjoyed my Hiphop class with Teacher Mike so what's with the eagerness to his classes?
One thing is for sure, he is not Teacher Clyde, so I should not be pushing/projecting my aspirations (regrets?) to my new Hiphop Teacher. It seems unfair because those are not really for him but for Teacher Clyde.

Midnight Thoughts

Deep inside I knew.

I knew that my time with him was just borrowed time. It's something I cannot just demand. That's why when he promises to be with me, I was stubborn to a fault to make it happen no matter what. If we cannot do it on the agreed time and date, I was very much amicable for a postponement but never a cancellation.

I guess in my mind, that was the only thing that he can give me. TIME.

If you are privy in my life, you know that my time is an utmost precious resource. I handle multiple items at the same time hence the moniker "Time is gold", holds true in my case. Whenever we will go out, I have to go out of my way and clear that schedule so we can do it. That means I need to finish items more quickly or postpone them just to give myself some time.

"Di ko naman hiningi yan!". His messaged echoed through my mind as I read through it. Well true, he didn't ask for it directly but it was the consequence of the times we went out. He said this when I told him that I skipped through important events of my life just to make our little trip happen. On my end, I just want him to understand why it pisses me off since I already sacrificed some things and then he'll bail on me. BUt I guess, no amount of explanation will go through the mind of a child. It resounded to him in a different way as if I'm nagging him. Big surprise there.

Today is the anniversary of the time we first spent the night together in a hotel room. No. Nothing happened between us.


Being a sapiosexual that I am, I wanted to make a deeper connection with him first. After that night, there were times that I found myself aroused after just a face to face conversation with him. I guess he intrigued me.

But now, I am wondering, what if I gave him another way to repay me? What if, on our first night, I went ahead and toyed with his body? Would our bond have ended there ? Would have bond became stronger? Would our fight about time have been averted?

I am not a sexual maniac that would require him to sleep with me everytime. I loved him more than that. But maybe if I was given something that I can hold on to, I wouldn't have been so obsessed in always having some time with him.

"What? Like a monthly deposit of sperm?" a flash thought of my aggressive side.

Well, I guess I'm fine with it. If it would have gave me something to look forward to, why not?

But that is all in the past now. I learned my lesson. No more people like this in my life. But I will still settle for a boytoy! hahahah!


Despodent wish

Sometimes there is a part of me that rises from the depths of my inner being. I forcefully tried to hide it after the events that once more destroyed me. But now that it has come out, i guess I should into words my true feelings.

Do you remember the time that we rendezvous secretly to that coffee shop in Dinalupihan? I asked you a question and you choked on the answer. I kept asking you even when you drove me back to my place.

"Ano ba tong ginagawa natin?"

It's easy to discern that you have no answer to that question. It was just me trying to understand you. Trying to commensurate that after what you did to me, you have invited me to go and get coffee.

I was waiting for you to explain. I was waiting for you to say something. Hell. I was just waiting for you to tell me that you just don't want to let me go.

But nothing. Nothing.

Not accepting you back is one of the hardest decision for me. I changed my life so that it will revolve around you. I sacrificed too many and too soon so I can make a space for you in my life. And it boiled down to you telling me this line: "Hindi ko naman hiningi yung mga yon".

To accept you, is to understand you. But I cannot understand you. I tried my hardest and earnest to understand you but I learned the hard way that I cannot. I tried reasoning with you but it failed. I tried just emotionally understanding you, something I know I am good at, but still miserably failed.

Now in my moment of clarity, I want to tell you my earnest feelings.

Leave me alone.

I don't want you to be part of my life. I don't need you. I actively purged you from my life. I had my world revolve again without you in it. I purged connections from your friends that holds no importance in my life.

Just leave me alone. Do not try to talk to me. Do not drop by my FB or IG. I just don't want to be connected to you in any way.

I am happy without you.

That is my despodent solemn wish.




"Ugh! Fuck! Shet! OOOH!!! FOOTAH!!!! ah shet! PUTANG INA!!! erggg! arggh!!! fucker! AH! FUCK!!!

This is me while...

...climbing up the stairs in MRT Ayala Station. Internally lang naman. Para akong binoborjack! Whahhahah!!!

Still have body pains from dance class Sunday.

Teacher El-John's class: Upo upo ikot ikot tribal-ish medyo dancehall choreo.
Equals: Leg painsssssssssssssssssssssss!!!!

Teacher Sherwin's class: Drop on th efloow in lounge position, left leg extended to the right, hips up.
Equals: Right hip pain due to wrong torsion.



3rd time is not the charm

It began to rain when I was still in my guilty pleasure place. I started to walk towards the main highway so I can ride a jeep home.

Since it was a long jeepney ride home, I started browsing my FB account to pass up the time. It was there that I found out that the results of the recent Mechanical Engineering Board Exam were just released. This was evidenced by a slew of congratulatory posts in my FB feed. It's not that I care about him still, but my curiosity got better of me...

A few presses on my phone then a mighty long press of the enter key... Google populated the websites showing the results of the exam.

I chose the top link and I jumped to the website. I began skimming all the 'A' surnames until I reached the last one. His surname was nowhere to be found. "Guess he failed.", I surmised. But still there was a part of me that was skeptical. "Baka naman hindi sya nagexam?"

So just to quell my doubts, I searched for the room assignment link in google. I downloaded the pdf file containing the information that I need. The first file I got was the assignments in the Manila venue. His name was not there. Moving on the 2nd file, I checked the Baguio venue and instantly I saw his name.


I just want to echo what I said in the last time he failed. "Hindi mo ako pedeng sisihin dyan. Wala akong ginagawa. Wala na kaming kuneksyon."



Escape from the Ministry of Magic 00


It has been less than a year from my transfer from the Magical Personnel Education to the Elemental Atmosphere Section. Our team of brilliant wizards and witches have endured many challenges such as the unexpected deluge of the dark blood of earth in town, subsequent escape of spirits of unbound soil, persistence of olfactory cloud menace, uprising of the canine anthromorphs due to the spread of descentiant firecake in which they claim they were allergic to, among others.I am very much happy of what had transpired with my career as a superbly talented young witch.

Until an image flashed in my mind...

It was a scene of despair. People around were burdened and pained. There were no tears in their eyes but their faces show sadness in its zenith. Though it showed a seemingly organized and managed space, not a single soul dwells in the image. People have no energy. People have no souls. It was an image of utter unhappiness in its perfect form.

I was gasping for air after the vision ended. Cold bullets of sweat firing rapidly on my face. It was a horrible vision. That was caused my innate ability, Fact Flash.

Some people can read other people's minds with ease. Some change their appearance at will. Mine? I see the future. It's not entirely clear, but as soon as I hear a fact, an image will flash in my mind. A scene from the future that will 100% happen if I don't do anything to prevent it. It's not your conventional prophecy like the one being thought in Divination class. I remember our Muggle Studies Professor discussing a somewhat related phenomenon with Muggles, they call it a "hunch". Instead of being shown flashes of the future, they feel a strong belief that something is going to happen.

The fact that I heard that triggered my ability was that an Inquisitor shall be assigned in between our Office's Branch. I shared my vision with my partner and warned her that it is best that we escape from the ministry as soon as this happens. It was a depressing vision. One that will destroy our status quo. One that will eat our souls one by one.


Perfect Strangers #Yakap

I saw him yesterday. I grew numb when I heard his voice. He was just inches away from me. I'm not sure if he noticed me then. I was standing on the same spot for a good 2 hours while enjoying the performances. I knew our encounter was inevitable at the event. But like I mentioned to Tricia, I am there to support the event, I am there to enjoy the performances. Him being there will not change those facts.

At that moment that I realized he's just a step away, there was this uncomfortable emptiness that formed in my heart. As much as I care to admit, I was distraught the moment i knew of his precense. I sat down on the chair that Kam had given me so as to compose myself. I pretend to fiddle with my phone while listening intently to my surroundings. I tried to drive my attention back to the performance again, the med student who performed in Birdcage was performing on stage. I like her songs, though her melodies are quite generic. Perhaps it's because I relate to some of the songs she sang. It was a battle of attention between the performance and my feelings. It became a struggle to be even at the venue. I decided to go back home.

I surveyed the area to look for Kam. I brought the book that I bought for him in Recto. He mentioned he needed it for his review. I instantly saw him speaking with KJ in my 5 o'clock. I took it out from my bag and immediately handed it him saying I'll be going home. Witholding the fact that it was with a heavy heart that I am leaving. He offered to pay for the book but i declined since I planned to give it as a goodluck gift for his board exams. With a plastered smile, i made quick getaway.

But just like a scene in a soap opera, the exact moment that I was exiting the event premises, he was coming back enter the venue. A slowmo scene fit for a tv show. I did not wished for it nor did I intended it. I was sure he was talking to other event staff before I decided to make my escape. But obviously, the world had another plan. I tried to make it look that I was unfazed and just continued walking.

I knew that he saw me. I knew that he knew I saw him. But I just went on looking ahead as if he was not there. As I approach him, he turned to his side as if to make a room for my exit while I passed by his back. Like strangers non-chalant with each other's presence. I stumbled quite a bit since I kicked some lights on the way out but i didn't mind it since what was priority one was to get out of there.

I was a bit shaken still so I decided to dance it off. Good thing the arcade was also on the same floor. I danced a good hour before deciding to text Tricia so I can say goodbye. The dancing was quite therapeutic. She found me resting in a nearby chair in the arcade. I said my goodbyes and proceeded to go home.

As I mentioned to him on our last meeting day, "Maalala kita sa lahat". True enough. Amidst the light rain and darkness of the streets, all the places I went to that night reminded me of him: Our coffee break in the 7-11 branch beside Michelle's; the walks toward the terminal; our check ups in ICMC where I had doc refer me for a doctor for him; the bus stations; the 7-11 beside the caltex station; the mcdonald's in four lanes; the Starbucks where I made his Thesis Manuscript; the jollibee branch where we ate while making said manuscript; Everywhere I go in Balanga, I am haunted by visions of our memories together.

In all honesty, I wanted to cry, I wanted to just breakdown. But the pain of him leaving and throwing me out of his life is not enough to make me. Perhaps I have grown used to people I care about doing it that I am able to withstand it. But that's what's making it hard on my end. I can't get my loneliness out of me. It remains as a cloud of clout in my heart that always demands to be felt but is not enough to break me. It is a constant reminder that i have trusted yet again a person who didnt see me for who I am.

I know I am in the losing end of this. He probably does not think of me. He probably just went on with his life after he threw me out. He probably felt relief that a thorn in his life was removed.

After all, I did not matter. We're perfect strangers that night.


About last night

I really love the ending song of Make It Right Season 1. It's sung by Namcha and entitled About last night. I can actually sing this complete with proper diction.

คงหมดเวลาของเรา กลับคืนสู่ความว่างเปล่า
Kong mot welah kaung rao glup keun soo kwahm wahng bplao
Our time is up, we return to emptiness
เรื่องราวที่มีแค่เรา ที่รู้กันเท่านั้น
Reuang rao tee mee kae rao tee roo gun tao nun
The stories that only we know
มันเกิดจากความรู้สึก หรือเป็นแค่เพียงคนเหงา
Mun gert jahk kwahm roo seuk reu bpen kae piang kon ngao
Did they happen because of feelings? Or was it only two lonely people
Tee mah jur gun
Who happened to meet?

(*) มันอาจไม่เรียกว่ารัก แต่มันดีพอให้ฉัน ลืมเธอไม่ลง
Mun aht mai riak wah ruk dtae mun dee por hai chun leum tur mai long
It might not have been love, but it was good enough for me to be unable to forget you

(**) แต่ความจริงคือฉันไม่ควรอยู่ตรงนี้ ต่อไป
Dtae kwahm jing keu chun mai kuan yoo dtrong nee dtor bpai
But the truth is I shouldn’t be here anymore
Meua roo tung roo wah tur mee kao tung jai
When I know full well that you have her with all your heart
ก็แค่เรื่องของคนเหงา ที่ไม่มีวันต่อไป
Gor kae reuang kaung kon ngao tee mai mee wun dtor bpai
It’s just an issue of lonely people that will never continue
Soot tai laeo pit tee chun tee mun gert plur jai
In the end, it’s my fault for being careless
Kit teung dtae reuang meua keun
Thinking only of last night’s matters

ความจริงมันควรต้องจบ คงไม่มีทางต้องเจ็บ
Kwahm jing mun kuan dtaung jop kong mai mee tahng dtaung jep
In truth, it should be stopped, then there would be no way to get hurt
ไม่เก็บเอาเรื่องนั้นมา คิดถึงมันอีกแล้ว
Mai gep ao reuang nun mah kit teung mun eek laeo
I shouldn’t hold on to those matters or think about them any more
เธออาจไม่ทันรู้สึก กับช่วงเวลาแค่นั้น ที่มาเจอกัน
Tur aht mai tun roo seuk gup chuang welah kae nun tee mah jur gun
You might not have felt anything at that moment we met

This particular song tells a story about a one night stand and certainly does not reflect my relationship with cobalt blue. But there's something about the title that resonates to me. It literary just happened in one night: The downward spiral of our relationship...

It's a big surprise how swiftly everything just went rogue. We just went out for a movie one Thursday evening, everything was fine. We ate in Sumo Sam. Everything just felt good and right. Then come Friday evening, we were nuking it out through texts. One accusing one of doing something against the other. We separated ways by Saturday.

It's already been a week since then. Of course, I have thought about everything that had transpired. I believe everything started when I was asking him what are we going to do in Pampanga. It was Friday and I was in San Fernando for an Official Business. We were scheduled to go there that Saturday since he invited me to go there the week prior. It was his way to make up to me since his parents did not permit him to join me in Tagaytay.

He mentioned that he just wanted to watch a movie there. I was berating him to look for more things to do because if all he wanted was to watch a movie, why do we need to go to Pampanga? (Vista Mall Bataan has movies showing) "Ikaw naman nag-aya neto.", I kept telling him because in my mind, it was him who wanted to go to Pampanga. So I figured he wanted to do something there that is not available in Bataan and I was pressing him to tell me what it is. He responded that what he planned in mind was just to watch a movie and I was just demanding things. Note: Everything he said is non-verbatim. I only read his message once and is only recalling it by memory. I have his message in my phone but I don't like to read it anymore. His response really blew my fuse especially combined with the hot climate in San Fernando that time...

I hastily replied that of course I have the right to demand! I am giving him my time even though there are many people who are asking for it. He is my priority! I am always trying so hard to fit everything in my schedule so that I can give ample time to everyone! I just don't want to waste my time. I have sacrificed other lakads for this!

He replied that I was nagging him about my time and he didn't ask for it. Gawd, I was getting all the more frustrated with our exchange then. I replied that he's important to me that's why he is my priority and that I am not nagging him about my time, I simply want him to understand where I'm coming from. He replied claiming something about me being selfish for the time that I am asking. He mentioned something about him lacking the time to spend at home and having no time to speak with his parents. Which I countered with what I have always telling him, he was the one who invited me to go to Pampanga in the first place! He countered that he does not know Pampanga very well since he doesn't always go to the place. He kept insisting that I am the only one demanding to do things because his original invite was only for a movie.

In the end, I relented. I said it's fine if it was only a movie and provided some choices for other activities. Like the new cafe I saw by the intersection; That Buffet that we always eat to; etc. I remember I texted those while I was enroute back to Bataan. After a while, I was already crying in the bus. I was just told I was demanding and selfish by that one person I care about the most. It really took a blow on me. I couldn't accept those allegations especially coming from him.

When I arrived at our office, I broke down. I couldn't bare the pain anymore. His words pierced right through me. Good thing I was alone and was able to really let it out. I cried a good cry then went all serious. I started typing very long texts. I answered all his claims about my selfishness, my being demanding, and some other things. I mentioned that all I wanted was bit of his time because that's all what he can offer me. I asked him if he still wanted to be in this. I reminded him that I asked him before and he said it was okay with it. I defended myself that whatever issues that he has with his parents, I'm out of it. Ever since I knew that he's getting scolded when he gets home late, I make it a point that our affairs are only until 8PM. And that all our Manila trips at most are overnight only. If he feels he doesn't talk to his parents that much then he should initiate the conversation since he's staying with them at home. I sent the texts around 10PM and then went home.

I woke up around 2AM and read his replies to my texts. He started with that he may continue the debate and he will just end up at the losing side. He should be the one in control of his life and that he cannot meet me halfway anymore. He said he wanted to go back to the time that he was alone. So that I will not be sad and cry anymore in the office. He points out that I cry in the office and everyone knows it's because of him. His last message was not to proceed to our trip to Pampanga. Of course that devastated me, again, like I said, I sacrificed other events just to go on this trip to Pampanga with him.

I replied to his message that I will respect what he has told me in those texts and as my last request, let's proceed to Pampanga. After that, I texted my partner-in-crime with a message telling her that the #TimeLimit has been set.

I went back to sleep with a heavy heart. Honestly, it wasn't that much of a sleep because I kept waking up every fifteen minutes.

I understand that I may have been the trigger to this. Especially that I kept berating him that he was the one who invited me. On my end, as I mentioned, I just wanted to know what will transpire with our little trip. It's not like he's the one paying for everything. I need to know how much will be our projected expenses so I can sweep it in my budget.

And the things that he mentioned against me, being selfish, being demanding, being the one in control of his life. Ha! I have given nothing but options to him. I always base my decisions to him. I let him decide because I wanted someone deciding for me for a change. That is except for things that I know he needed, like the X-ray for his injuries, blood chem, and Rehab Med consultation. Doctors orders. No buts.

I am out with his dilemma with his parents. Why is he pinning that on me?

Time is important to me as I always have tons of things to do. I set them aside because he is important to me. And it seems he doesn't understand that part. Yeah, the part that he's important to me. Sad noh?


Silent Melancholy

"Maalala naman kita sa Sumo Sam...", he said smiling. This was after he noticed me watching him with a sad look on my face.

"Ako maalala kita sa lahat...", I replied while looking away as tears formed instantly in my eyes. " password ko, sa painting mo, sa lahat... maalala kita."

And it's true, it's been a week since we decided to go our separate ways. Yes, I am saying WE. It was a decision we both made, though not mutual. He was the first to decide, my decision was only a response to his decision.

I still think about him everyday. I always remember him in times that I don't even expect...

Eating in KFC. It was after our meeting int PSTD at the Meralco Head Office. I just parted ways with my Bom Bom Bora Friends. I was wandering around the mall trying to consciously not think about him. I was bit hungry already since I left home without eating. I decided to eat in KFC. I took my time choosing what I wanted to eat then proceeded to order in the cashier. I got my order and just sat by a corner. I started eating my order and a memory flashed of him eating in front of me. I usually sit opposite him when we eat out. I vividly saw an image of him, eating chicken across me. I remember exactly how he chews. Every up and down motion of his jaw. I know. I have it ingrained in my memory. A phantom image of him was sitting in front of me, enjoying his spicy chicken.

Mochaccino. see my previous post

TA-DAN! It was his catchphrase when he's trying to surprise me. He said it when he gave me a cupcake with blue icing on Feb 15 and the day he gave the painting and the sketch to me as my Xmas gift. I never thought it will remind me of him. I hear it almost everyday inside my mind. As if, he will just come back and surprise me that he's back in my life. TA-DAN!

I'll probably remember more of him in the next weeks. I am slowly but surely returning my life to the point where he didn't enter my life. I have unfriended all the friends he introduced me to and I don't have any plans of communicating with them anymore. I told him that they are only an extension of him, when he's gone, they are gone.

I am not that devastated because I have survived abandonment far graver than this. But that doesn't mean this did not get to me. I'm surviving everyday because on the day that he left, another person came back to me. But that's for another story.



 photo 18118464_10154596227448716_6884293460530138904_n_zpsshfoxsvr.jpg
Lately, everytime I order 7-Eleven's Mochaccino in their City Blends, I'm reminded of the person who introduced me to it...

It was the first time that he dropped me off in my house using their car and he's the driver.  photo P_20170323_001940_BF_zpsimjfeinp.jpgWe just watched the new Power Rangers Movie earlier then. We then ate at the Beanery. We were its last customers for the day. We each enjoyed a healthy helping of each other's order of pasta. After a quick refill from our suking gas station, we were off to Limay so he can take me home. It was just a short ride since it was already around 12 midnight. We were talking of getting coffee in Limay at 7-Eleven. I used to only drink Americano from their coffee line. I haven't tried the other varieties.

He parked beside the nearby college of that particular 7-Eleven branch. We went out of the car and went straight to the store. The Coffee machine was just by the entrance. He asked me if what I wanted to drink. I mentioned that I didn't want to drink coffee anymore since it's already past midnight. Have you tried their Mochaccino?, he asked. I replied that I haven't tried it yet. "What size?", he asked with a grin. Hmmmp. "Ikaw, kung ano nalang ung sayo." Afterwards, he let out a grin and retorted, "Large sayo, Medium saken." laughing.

He paid for the drinks at the counter then he handed over my drink. When I first took a sip, I liked it. It's this good mixture of coffee and chocolate. It reminded me of the makeshift mocha drink that used to have when I was still in Convergys. We talked a some more until we finished our dirnks. By 1 AM, he brought me home and we said our usual goodbyes.

Right now, I'm figuring out if I really loved the drink on its own or I loved it because he was the one who introduced me to it. I always find myself pushing the 16 oz button of the Mochaccino everytime I'm in 7-Eleven. So maybe, I do love it after all.