Perfect Strangers #Yakap

I saw him yesterday. I grew numb when I heard his voice. He was just inches away from me. I'm not sure if he noticed me then. I was standing on the same spot for a good 2 hours while enjoying the performances. I knew our encounter was inevitable at the event. But like I mentioned to Tricia, I am there to support the event, I am there to enjoy the performances. Him being there will not change those facts.

At that moment that I realized he's just a step away, there was this uncomfortable emptiness that formed in my heart. As much as I care to admit, I was distraught the moment i knew of his precense. I sat down on the chair that Kam had given me so as to compose myself. I pretend to fiddle with my phone while listening intently to my surroundings. I tried to drive my attention back to the performance again, the med student who performed in Birdcage was performing on stage. I like her songs, though her melodies are quite generic. Perhaps it's because I relate to some of the songs she sang. It was a battle of attention between the performance and my feelings. It became a struggle to be even at the venue. I decided to go back home.

I surveyed the area to look for Kam. I brought the book that I bought for him in Recto. He mentioned he needed it for his review. I instantly saw him speaking with KJ in my 5 o'clock. I took it out from my bag and immediately handed it him saying I'll be going home. Witholding the fact that it was with a heavy heart that I am leaving. He offered to pay for the book but i declined since I planned to give it as a goodluck gift for his board exams. With a plastered smile, i made quick getaway.

But just like a scene in a soap opera, the exact moment that I was exiting the event premises, he was coming back enter the venue. A slowmo scene fit for a tv show. I did not wished for it nor did I intended it. I was sure he was talking to other event staff before I decided to make my escape. But obviously, the world had another plan. I tried to make it look that I was unfazed and just continued walking.

I knew that he saw me. I knew that he knew I saw him. But I just went on looking ahead as if he was not there. As I approach him, he turned to his side as if to make a room for my exit while I passed by his back. Like strangers non-chalant with each other's presence. I stumbled quite a bit since I kicked some lights on the way out but i didn't mind it since what was priority one was to get out of there.

I was a bit shaken still so I decided to dance it off. Good thing the arcade was also on the same floor. I danced a good hour before deciding to text Tricia so I can say goodbye. The dancing was quite therapeutic. She found me resting in a nearby chair in the arcade. I said my goodbyes and proceeded to go home.

As I mentioned to him on our last meeting day, "Maalala kita sa lahat". True enough. Amidst the light rain and darkness of the streets, all the places I went to that night reminded me of him: Our coffee break in the 7-11 branch beside Michelle's; the walks toward the terminal; our check ups in ICMC where I had doc refer me for a doctor for him; the bus stations; the 7-11 beside the caltex station; the mcdonald's in four lanes; the Starbucks where I made his Thesis Manuscript; the jollibee branch where we ate while making said manuscript; Everywhere I go in Balanga, I am haunted by visions of our memories together.

In all honesty, I wanted to cry, I wanted to just breakdown. But the pain of him leaving and throwing me out of his life is not enough to make me. Perhaps I have grown used to people I care about doing it that I am able to withstand it. But that's what's making it hard on my end. I can't get my loneliness out of me. It remains as a cloud of clout in my heart that always demands to be felt but is not enough to break me. It is a constant reminder that i have trusted yet again a person who didnt see me for who I am.

I know I am in the losing end of this. He probably does not think of me. He probably just went on with his life after he threw me out. He probably felt relief that a thorn in his life was removed.

After all, I did not matter. We're perfect strangers that night.


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About last night

I really love the ending song of Make It Right Season 1. It's sung by Namcha and entitled About last night. I can actually sing this complete with proper diction.


คงหมดเวลาของเรา กลับคืนสู่ความว่างเปล่า
Kong mot welah kaung rao glup keun soo kwahm wahng bplao
Our time is up, we return to emptiness
เรื่องราวที่มีแค่เรา ที่รู้กันเท่านั้น
Reuang rao tee mee kae rao tee roo gun tao nun
The stories that only we know
มันเกิดจากความรู้สึก หรือเป็นแค่เพียงคนเหงา
Mun gert jahk kwahm roo seuk reu bpen kae piang kon ngao
Did they happen because of feelings? Or was it only two lonely people
ที่มาเจอกัน
Tee mah jur gun
Who happened to meet?

(*) มันอาจไม่เรียกว่ารัก แต่มันดีพอให้ฉัน ลืมเธอไม่ลง
Mun aht mai riak wah ruk dtae mun dee por hai chun leum tur mai long
It might not have been love, but it was good enough for me to be unable to forget you

(**) แต่ความจริงคือฉันไม่ควรอยู่ตรงนี้ ต่อไป
Dtae kwahm jing keu chun mai kuan yoo dtrong nee dtor bpai
But the truth is I shouldn’t be here anymore
เมื่อรู้ทั้งรู้ว่าเธอมีเค้าทั้งใจ
Meua roo tung roo wah tur mee kao tung jai
When I know full well that you have her with all your heart
ก็แค่เรื่องของคนเหงา ที่ไม่มีวันต่อไป
Gor kae reuang kaung kon ngao tee mai mee wun dtor bpai
It’s just an issue of lonely people that will never continue
สุดท้ายแล้วผิดที่ฉันที่มันเกิดเผลอใจ
Soot tai laeo pit tee chun tee mun gert plur jai
In the end, it’s my fault for being careless
คิดถึงแต่เรื่องเมื่อคืน
Kit teung dtae reuang meua keun
Thinking only of last night’s matters

ความจริงมันควรต้องจบ คงไม่มีทางต้องเจ็บ
Kwahm jing mun kuan dtaung jop kong mai mee tahng dtaung jep
In truth, it should be stopped, then there would be no way to get hurt
ไม่เก็บเอาเรื่องนั้นมา คิดถึงมันอีกแล้ว
Mai gep ao reuang nun mah kit teung mun eek laeo
I shouldn’t hold on to those matters or think about them any more
เธออาจไม่ทันรู้สึก กับช่วงเวลาแค่นั้น ที่มาเจอกัน
Tur aht mai tun roo seuk gup chuang welah kae nun tee mah jur gun
You might not have felt anything at that moment we met

Rundown
This particular song tells a story about a one night stand and certainly does not reflect my relationship with cobalt blue. But there's something about the title that resonates to me. It literary just happened in one night: The downward spiral of our relationship...

It's a big surprise how swiftly everything just went rogue. We just went out for a movie one Thursday evening, everything was fine. We ate in Sumo Sam. Everything just felt good and right. Then come Friday evening, we were nuking it out through texts. One accusing one of doing something against the other. We separated ways by Saturday.

It's already been a week since then. Of course, I have thought about everything that had transpired. I believe everything started when I was asking him what are we going to do in Pampanga. It was Friday and I was in San Fernando for an Official Business. We were scheduled to go there that Saturday since he invited me to go there the week prior. It was his way to make up to me since his parents did not permit him to join me in Tagaytay.

He mentioned that he just wanted to watch a movie there. I was berating him to look for more things to do because if all he wanted was to watch a movie, why do we need to go to Pampanga? (Vista Mall Bataan has movies showing) "Ikaw naman nag-aya neto.", I kept telling him because in my mind, it was him who wanted to go to Pampanga. So I figured he wanted to do something there that is not available in Bataan and I was pressing him to tell me what it is. He responded that what he planned in mind was just to watch a movie and I was just demanding things. Note: Everything he said is non-verbatim. I only read his message once and is only recalling it by memory. I have his message in my phone but I don't like to read it anymore. His response really blew my fuse especially combined with the hot climate in San Fernando that time...

I hastily replied that of course I have the right to demand! I am giving him my time even though there are many people who are asking for it. He is my priority! I am always trying so hard to fit everything in my schedule so that I can give ample time to everyone! I just don't want to waste my time. I have sacrificed other lakads for this!

He replied that I was nagging him about my time and he didn't ask for it. Gawd, I was getting all the more frustrated with our exchange then. I replied that he's important to me that's why he is my priority and that I am not nagging him about my time, I simply want him to understand where I'm coming from. He replied claiming something about me being selfish for the time that I am asking. He mentioned something about him lacking the time to spend at home and having no time to speak with his parents. Which I countered with what I have always telling him, he was the one who invited me to go to Pampanga in the first place! He countered that he does not know Pampanga very well since he doesn't always go to the place. He kept insisting that I am the only one demanding to do things because his original invite was only for a movie.

In the end, I relented. I said it's fine if it was only a movie and provided some choices for other activities. Like the new cafe I saw by the intersection; That Buffet that we always eat to; etc. I remember I texted those while I was enroute back to Bataan. After a while, I was already crying in the bus. I was just told I was demanding and selfish by that one person I care about the most. It really took a blow on me. I couldn't accept those allegations especially coming from him.

When I arrived at our office, I broke down. I couldn't bare the pain anymore. His words pierced right through me. Good thing I was alone and was able to really let it out. I cried a good cry then went all serious. I started typing very long texts. I answered all his claims about my selfishness, my being demanding, and some other things. I mentioned that all I wanted was bit of his time because that's all what he can offer me. I asked him if he still wanted to be in this. I reminded him that I asked him before and he said it was okay with it. I defended myself that whatever issues that he has with his parents, I'm out of it. Ever since I knew that he's getting scolded when he gets home late, I make it a point that our affairs are only until 8PM. And that all our Manila trips at most are overnight only. If he feels he doesn't talk to his parents that much then he should initiate the conversation since he's staying with them at home. I sent the texts around 10PM and then went home.

I woke up around 2AM and read his replies to my texts. He started with that he may continue the debate and he will just end up at the losing side. He should be the one in control of his life and that he cannot meet me halfway anymore. He said he wanted to go back to the time that he was alone. So that I will not be sad and cry anymore in the office. He points out that I cry in the office and everyone knows it's because of him. His last message was not to proceed to our trip to Pampanga. Of course that devastated me, again, like I said, I sacrificed other events just to go on this trip to Pampanga with him.

I replied to his message that I will respect what he has told me in those texts and as my last request, let's proceed to Pampanga. After that, I texted my partner-in-crime with a message telling her that the #TimeLimit has been set.

I went back to sleep with a heavy heart. Honestly, it wasn't that much of a sleep because I kept waking up every fifteen minutes.

Thoughts
I understand that I may have been the trigger to this. Especially that I kept berating him that he was the one who invited me. On my end, as I mentioned, I just wanted to know what will transpire with our little trip. It's not like he's the one paying for everything. I need to know how much will be our projected expenses so I can sweep it in my budget.

And the things that he mentioned against me, being selfish, being demanding, being the one in control of his life. Ha! I have given nothing but options to him. I always base my decisions to him. I let him decide because I wanted someone deciding for me for a change. That is except for things that I know he needed, like the X-ray for his injuries, blood chem, and Rehab Med consultation. Doctors orders. No buts.

I am out with his dilemma with his parents. Why is he pinning that on me?

Time is important to me as I always have tons of things to do. I set them aside because he is important to me. And it seems he doesn't understand that part. Yeah, the part that he's important to me. Sad noh?

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Silent Melancholy

"Maalala naman kita sa Sumo Sam...", he said smiling. This was after he noticed me watching him with a sad look on my face.

"Ako maalala kita sa lahat...", I replied while looking away as tears formed instantly in my eyes. "...sa password ko, sa painting mo, sa lahat... maalala kita."

And it's true, it's been a week since we decided to go our separate ways. Yes, I am saying WE. It was a decision we both made, though not mutual. He was the first to decide, my decision was only a response to his decision.

I still think about him everyday. I always remember him in times that I don't even expect...

Eating in KFC. It was after our meeting int PSTD at the Meralco Head Office. I just parted ways with my Bom Bom Bora Friends. I was wandering around the mall trying to consciously not think about him. I was bit hungry already since I left home without eating. I decided to eat in KFC. I took my time choosing what I wanted to eat then proceeded to order in the cashier. I got my order and just sat by a corner. I started eating my order and a memory flashed of him eating in front of me. I usually sit opposite him when we eat out. I vividly saw an image of him, eating chicken across me. I remember exactly how he chews. Every up and down motion of his jaw. I know. I have it ingrained in my memory. A phantom image of him was sitting in front of me, enjoying his spicy chicken.

Mochaccino. see my previous post

TA-DAN! It was his catchphrase when he's trying to surprise me. He said it when he gave me a cupcake with blue icing on Feb 15 and the day he gave the painting and the sketch to me as my Xmas gift. I never thought it will remind me of him. I hear it almost everyday inside my mind. As if, he will just come back and surprise me that he's back in my life. TA-DAN!

I'll probably remember more of him in the next weeks. I am slowly but surely returning my life to the point where he didn't enter my life. I have unfriended all the friends he introduced me to and I don't have any plans of communicating with them anymore. I told him that they are only an extension of him, when he's gone, they are gone.

I am not that devastated because I have survived abandonment far graver than this. But that doesn't mean this did not get to me. I'm surviving everyday because on the day that he left, another person came back to me. But that's for another story.

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Mochaccino

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Lately, everytime I order 7-Eleven's Mochaccino in their City Blends, I'm reminded of the person who introduced me to it...

It was the first time that he dropped me off in my house using their car and he's the driver.  photo P_20170323_001940_BF_zpsimjfeinp.jpgWe just watched the new Power Rangers Movie earlier then. We then ate at the Beanery. We were its last customers for the day. We each enjoyed a healthy helping of each other's order of pasta. After a quick refill from our suking gas station, we were off to Limay so he can take me home. It was just a short ride since it was already around 12 midnight. We were talking of getting coffee in Limay at 7-Eleven. I used to only drink Americano from their coffee line. I haven't tried the other varieties.

He parked beside the nearby college of that particular 7-Eleven branch. We went out of the car and went straight to the store. The Coffee machine was just by the entrance. He asked me if what I wanted to drink. I mentioned that I didn't want to drink coffee anymore since it's already past midnight. Have you tried their Mochaccino?, he asked. I replied that I haven't tried it yet. "What size?", he asked with a grin. Hmmmp. "Ikaw, kung ano nalang ung sayo." Afterwards, he let out a grin and retorted, "Large sayo, Medium saken." laughing.

He paid for the drinks at the counter then he handed over my drink. When I first took a sip, I liked it. It's this good mixture of coffee and chocolate. It reminded me of the makeshift mocha drink that used to have when I was still in Convergys. We talked a some more until we finished our dirnks. By 1 AM, he brought me home and we said our usual goodbyes.


Right now, I'm figuring out if I really loved the drink on its own or I loved it because he was the one who introduced me to it. I always find myself pushing the 16 oz button of the Mochaccino everytime I'm in 7-Eleven. So maybe, I do love it after all.

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Timelimit

Last Saturday, April 22, 'he' left. He came equipped with a myriad of reasons why it would be better for us to part ways. None of which makes sense to me. But as I mentioned to him in my text the night before, I will respect whatever he said. But that doesn't mean he's right. I choose not to divulge them here as to protect his privacy, but judging from the feedback of my friends... It's one huge BULLCRAP!

But scene from that day keeps reiterating in my mind... The setting in which I consider our last goodbye...

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Timelimit
by Wilter von Phar

Alas dos ng hapon sa highway
sa ilalim ng katirikan ng haring araw
Mainit ang buga ng hangin galing hilaga
Di katulad ng pakiramdam ko nung oras na yun

Nakatayo tayong dalawa sa lilim ng maliit na puno
Nakamasid sa mga paparating na sasakyan
Naghihintay ng bus na maghahatid saken
Papalayo sa lugar na yon...
sa iyo...

Lumingon ako sa direkyon mo
Pinagmasdan sa huling pagkakataon ang kabuuan mo
Mula ulo hanggang sa lupa
Kinikilatis ang bulto mo
kinakabisado ang bawat alon ng iyong bisig
ang buhok mong binati kong hindi bagay sayo
ang mukha mong nakangiti
ang tshirt mong kulay asul na plain
ang dibdib mong humuhulma sa iyong kisig
ang pantalon mong butas na lagi mong suot
ang bag mong itim na kakulay ng dilim

Napansin mo akong nakatitig sayo
Tinanong mo kung bakit ko ginagawa yon
Iyon na siguro ang huling beses na tatanungin mo ako nun
Lagi kitang tinititigan at pinagmamasdan
ang lagi kong tugon sa tanong mo na iyon ay, "Wala."
Pero sa araw na yun, buong tapang akong tumugon sayo ng:
"Ito na ang huling beses na makikita kita...
Gusto ko lang ng imahe sa utak ko na maalala kita..."

At may nagpakitang paparating na bus
Malapit na matapos ang huling tagpo nating dalawa
Lumingon muli ako sa iyong direksyon
Gamit ang mga mata kong malungkot
Yumakap ako sayo katulad ng pagyakap ko sayo nung huli
Sapagkat sa pagkakatong ito, ito na nga ang huli
Kaya sa huling beses na ito, niyakap kita ng mas mahigpit pa
At bumulong ako sayo ng marahan...
"Super Love you" katulad ng lagi kong sinasabi sayo
at "Sorry", sabay sa pag-agos ng mga luha ko...

Bumitaw tayo sa pagkayapos sa isat isa
ngunit nakahawak pa din ako sa iyong braso
Inabot mo gamit ang kabilang kamay ang mga dala ko..
Inabot ko iyon na para bang mas lalo itong bumigat
Marahil dumagdag na duon ang lahat ng pagmamahal ko sayo
Binubuhat ko na din sya sapagkat tinanggihan mo na itong tanggapin

Sinimulan ko ang pagtapak ng aking paa
isang mabigat na hakbang patungo sa naghihintay na bus
Nagkaron na ng distansya ang ating mga katawan
Ngunit patuloy pa din akong nakahawak sa iyong braso
Tumuloy ang isa pang hakbang
at lumuwag na ang pagkakahawak ko sa braso mo
Isa pang muli at bumaba na ang kamay ko sa iyong pulso
isa pang hakbang at matatapos na ang ating huling tagpo
Natira nalang ay dalawang daliri na pakurot na pilit na kumakapit
Ayaw bumitaw sa iyo
At muli, isang hakbang pa, at tuluyan ng nawala ang koneksyon nating dalawa
Di na maramdaman ng balat ko ang init ng iyong balat
Putol na ang ugnayan nating dalawa
"Wala na", yun ang tugon mo kanina
Wala na nga ito.
Wala na tayong kinalaman sa isa't isa
tapos na ang istorya
Isasara na pintuan

Duon na bumalot ang lamig sa aking balat
di na kita nilingon
di na kita inalala pa
Umupo ako sa likod ng bus
Tumingin sa kawalan
Sumakay na sa biyaheng palayo sayo...


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Una at Huling Sulat para Sayo ni Wilter Von Phar

Mahal,

kung binabasa mo to ngayon, malamang, ito na ang huling araw ng pagkikita naten
kung binabasa mo to ngayon, malamang, nagawa ko na lahat ng bagay na itinakda kong gawin
mga bagay na napag-isipan kong gawin nung gabing iyon
yung gabing iyon
nung sinabi mong, di mo ako kayang mahalin

Mahal,

Patawarin mo sana ako
Patawarin mo ako sa pagiging mahina ko
Patawarin mo ako na mas pinili ko nalang na magpatalo kesa lumaban
Pero mahal, pinilit ko namang lumaban
Pinilit kong ipaglaban yung pagkakaibigan natin
Kahit hirap na hirap ako, pinilit ko pa rin lumaban
Nilabanan ko yung nararamdaman kong pagmamahal sayo

Mahal,

Bawat segundong gising ako, ikaw lang ang iniisip ko
Sa umaga, iniisip ko kung gising ka na ba, kung kumain ka na ba ng almusal, kung nakapasok ka na, kung late ka nanaman ba?
Sa hapon, ganun din, kung nakakain ka ng pananghalian, kung ayos lang ba ang araw mo sa eskwelahan
Sa gabi, ganun pa din, kung nakakain ka na nga, kung kasama mo pa ba ang mga kaibigan mo, kung nakauwi ka na at nakapagpahinga na
Nababaliw ako sa kakaisip sayo pag malayo ka
Pero nasasaktan naman ako pag kasama ka

Mahal,

Pag kasama kita gustong gusto kitang hawakan
pero pilit kong pinipigilan ang sarili ko mahal
pero gustong gusto ko mahal!
Gustong gusto ko!
Gusto kong yakapin yung braso mo para masabi ko na akin ka din
Gusto kong idantay ang ulo ko sa balikat mo para masabi ko din na may sumusuporta saken
Gusto kong humiga sa dibdib mo para maramdaman ko ang alab na nagpainit sa puso kong matagal ng malamig
Gusto kong yakapin ka ng mahigpit ng para maiparamdam ko naman sayo na mahal na mahal na mahal kita
Pero lagi kong pinipigilan ang sarili ko
Baka kasi tuluyan nakong makalimutan at madala sa sobrang pagmamahal ko sayo

Mahal,

Natatandaan mo pa ba nung naglalakad tayo?
Nung biglang sinabi mong ang lungkot lungkot ng buhay ko
Na kahit pa nakangiti ako eh kitang kita mo sa mga mata ko na malungkot
Sa totoo lang mahal, nagulat ako nun at natakot
Pilit kasi ako nagpapakatatag nun, dahil tama ka, malungkot ako
dahil ung gabi bago ung araw na yun, sinabi ng lalaking tinatangi ko na hindi nya akong kayang mahalin

Mahal,

Di ko inakala na sasabihin ko yun muli
Na hihiling ako muli ng imposible
Alam ko isa yong malaking kahibangan pero
nung gabing yon
nung sinabi mong hindi mo akong kayang mahalin
Hinilig ko na sana babae nalang ako
Alam ko kasi yun lang ang paraan para mahalin mo rin ako

Mahal,

gusto kong sumigaw
gusto kong magalet
gusto kong sumabog
dahil kahit ano pang talino at talento ko
At kahit pa anong bida ko sa lahat ng kakayahan ko
wala akong magagawa para mahalin ako ng lalaking pinakamamahal ko

Mahal,

Alam mo ba na sobrang bilib ako sayo?
Napakagaling mo kasi mahal
Di mo lang alam isa ka sa mga taong hinahangaan ko
Marami akong bagay na natutunan sayo
Kaya alam ko mahal magtatagumpay ka sa buhay mo
Kaya tuparin mo yung mga pangarap mo kahit na wala na ako
Hindi mo ako kelangan para tuparin ang mga yon
Alam ko at naniniwala ako kaya mo mahal.
Kayang kaya mo.

Mahal,

Gusto ko man sabihin na babalik ako, hindi ko magawa
Dahil hindi ko alam kung ilang araw, ilang linggo, ilang buwan, taon o dekada ko dadalhin sa puso ko ang damdamin ko para sayo
Ganun talaga siguro ang buhay natin
May darating, may aalis
Sa pagkakataong ito, ako ang aalis
dahil yun ang pinakamainam para sa'ting dalawa
sabihin mo na na ginagawa ko ito upang tumakas
kasi di katulad ng inaakala mo
mahina ako.
Napipilitan lang akong maging malakas at matapang
dahil wala namang gagawa nun para saken
tama ka, malungkot ang buhay ko.
at salamat at pinaligaya mo ako kahit sa maikling panahon na magkasama tayo

Hanggang dito nalang Mahal.
Hangad ko ang kaligayahan mo.
Mahal na mahal na mahal na mahal kita.


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Ang Paglisan ni Wilter von Phar

Paglisan I, Pebrero 2017Paglisan II, Pebrero 2017

Darating ang araw na iiwanan mo ako
Mawawala ang saysay ko sa buhay mo
Magiging isang inutil na lamang
Walang magawang bagay para sa iyo
Ngunit bago pa dumating ang araw na iyon
Iiwan na kita, mahal ko

Parang isang ektrang tuluyan nang natapos ang eksena
Lilisanin na ang entablado na kanina lang ay kabilang ako
Ngunit bago pa isara ang telon
Ako'y mawawala, ako'y maglalaho
Dahil sa araw na iyon ako ang mang-iiwan
Sa gayon ako ang may kasalanan sa ating paghihiwalay

Babawiin ko na ang puso kong inaalay ko sayo
Mawawala na ang halimuyak ng aking katawan sa piling mo
Maglalaho ako ng tuluyan sa buhay mo
Pawang isang aparisyon na biglang dumating at bigla ding nawala
Katulad ng isang alingawngaw na nauubos ang enerhiya
Sunud sunod ang buga ngunit pahina ng pahina

Sisigaw na muli ang katahimikan sa iyong patay na oras
Magagawa ng muli bumulong ng hangin sa iyong mga tenga
Ikakahon ko ang pagmamahal ko sayo
Itatali ng mahigpit at isasara ng matuwid
Itatago sa kailaliman ng kweba ng aking nagyeyelong puso
Ikukubli muli sa nyebe ang tunay na nararamdaman ko

Patawarin mo ako dahil hindi ko na magawang lumaban
Masakit para sa akin gawin ito
Aalis ako, hindi dahil hindi kita mahal
Aalis ako, dahil iyon ang makakabuti para sa iyo
Aalis ako, dahil yun ang dapat
Aalis ako, dahil yun ang tama

Mahal na mahal kita, kaya aalis ako mahal.
Mahal na mahal kita, paalam, mahal ko.

Paano nako mahal sa iyong pag-alis?
Hindi kita makakausap
Hindi kita mahahawakan
Hindi kita mayayakap
Hindi ko alam ko paano ko maipaparamdam
kung gaano kita minamahal

Sagutin mo naman ang tanong ko mahal.
Makakaya ko pa kung ilang kilometro lang ang layo natin
Ngunit dagat ang syang magpapahiwalay sa atin
Hindi kita matutulungan sa oras ng iyong pangangailangan
Hindi kita masasamahan sa oras ng iyong kagipitan
Hindi kita mahahagkan sa oras ng iyong kapaguran

Paano nako mahal? Sabihin mo!
Maawa ka naman sa akin
Ikaw lang ang tanging nagbibigay sakin ng lakas
Paano nako lalaban kung wala ka sa piling ko?
Unti-unti akong namamatay sa paglapit ng iyong paglisan
Parang isang sintensya sa aking puso habang ako'y buhay

Hindi na ba talaga kita mapipigilan?
Ayokong maging hadlang sa iyong mga pangarap
Ngunit gusto ko lang malaman kung paano nako
Ano na ba ang gagampanan ko sa buhay mo?
Iiwan mo ako, ano pa bang saysay ko?
Isang hamak na nanlilimos ng oras mo

Paano mo na ba ako iiwan?
Paulit ulit na naglalaro sa utak ko
Ang sandaling tatalikuran mo na ako
Lalakad palayo at mawawala ng tuluyan
Lilisanin ang pook na iyon
Tangan ang buhay ko


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Uncertain feelings

Lately, I've been indulging myself with my new guilty pleasure. Yes. I consider it as a guilty pleasure. I consider HIM as My GUILTY PLEASURE.

There is never a time lately that I don't think about him. It's as if I reverted back to my old self. The self-conscious, self-tormenting self.

I feel anxious whenever he doesn't reply. I am always on the edge that maybe, I am once again just the flavor of the month. That what we had was simply him on a whim. And one day, he will just leave as sudden as he came knocking on my door.

I am still trying to figure out my feelings for him. It may be that I am just seeing bunso in him. And all the longing and the love that I have for bunso seems just so right for him. It's just unfair for him if that is the case.

I'm really torn with my feelings. I want to be closer to him but I don't want to do anything that will compromise our relationship. I'm just too comfortable with him around that the thought that he will eventually leave me is driving me mad. But I know I have no right to make him stay. Hell, I don't even have the right to demand his time. I'm simply a prisoner to the minuscule moment that he is giving me.

Do I love him? I think I do. But to what extent? That's what I'm still trying to figure out.

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In the passenger seat by Wilter von Phar


I was prepping to go back to Manila when I heard a knock on the door. I was dumbfounded for a second because I was not expecting anyone.

"Sino naman kaya to? Gabi na ah."

It was after office hours and I just went to my unit to get my things. As I approaced the door, another set of knocks reverberated.

I turned the knob to open the door and was surprised to find a grinning face.

"Anung meron? Bakit ka nandito?" I asked the smiling man outside my door.

"Uhm, tatanungin sana kita kung gusto mong sumabay saken pauwi?", still smiling.

"Huh?" I silently exclaimed.

"...di ba medyo short ka na sa budget?" He continued. "Sabay ka na saken para makatipid ka."

I raised an eyebrow and was a bit annoyed. But I kept it with my self and politely declined his invitation.

"Sana tinext mo nalang muna ako para di ka na naabala pa. Nagdetour ka pa dito." My innocent but icy remark.

"Nagtext naman ako sayo kanina eh. Di ka naman nagreply. Mukhang busy ka sa trabaho eh." Wow, he seems geniunely concerned. Actually I read that text earlier, I just chose not to reply.

"Ah eh di nako nagreply kasi late ko na sya nabasa nung uwian. I figured, umalis ka na agad nung tapos na office hours." Uhuh, me trying to be slick eh? "Tsaka ayoko namang maabala ka pa. Kaya sige na mauna ka na."

"Tutal nandito naman na ako intayin na kita. Andito lang ako sa labas, sa loob ng kotse. Get your things tapos sabay ka na saken, ha?" Still with his stupid smile. Why is he being stubborn? Can't he take a hint that I don't want to come with him?

"Jusko, bat ba ang kulit mo? Ayoko ngang sumabay. Tsaka baka matraffic ka kung di ka pa umalis." A little bit of bitchiness slipped but I regained it with my faux concern for his time.

It seems he understood what my small nasty slip-up meant. His smile disappeared and got all serious.

"Please." Woah there, serious guy.

"Please sumabay ka na." Yikes. "Please..." Now with puppy eyes. I don't know if he is consciously doing that but it will not work mister.

"...I need you..."

Shit.

He said it.

He said the magic words.

I swore that I will never abandon anyone who mutters those words.

Shit...

"Sige na nga. Sige dun ka na muna sa kotse, mukhang uulan na oh. Ayusin ko lang gamit ko." I finally surrendered to his pleas. Ugh. Why did he say those words? I bit my lower lip.

He walked backed to his car while I fixed my things. I already got everything packed so it didn't take a while. I locked up my unit and went straight to his car. I sat down in the passenger seat and threw my things in the backseat. I strapped myself down and was ready to be the shotgun of this ride to Manila. It was then that the rain start to go down.

"Ready ka na?" He asked sheepishly.

I nodded without looking at him. The engine was already on when i got in so we drove off instantly.

Familiar roads and surroundings was enveloped in wetness. His wiper noisily but effectively doing it's job as we go along the highway. I was quiet for the most part. I have no intention to start a conversation with him. I was not there on my own. I was just compelled because he said he needed me. Whether that's true or not, well... he's the one who can answer that.

"Galit ka ba saken?" He broke the ice cold silence.

"Huh? Baket naman ako magagalet?" External words. "Maang maangan at it's finest!" My internal thoughts. I was prepared for this question!

"Lately kasi parang iniiwasan mo ko. Di mo sinasagot ung mga tawag ko, kahit sa office phone. Di ka din nagrereply sa text, kahit sa messages ko sa Viber..."

Wow! So he noticed that. I'm surprised.

"Tapos ang sungit sungit mo pa saken. Ramdam na ramdam ko din na ang cold cold mo saken. Wala na ung sweet and light presence mo..." Woah. Sweet and light? What am I a dessert?

"May problema ba?" A very curious question was thrown at me.

I was not sure if i should answer that question. Maybe I was not prepared for the emotional distress that I know will follow once I answered it. So instead of answering, I just turned on his radio. Being the shotgun and all, it requires my mad dj skills.

But to my dismay he quickly turned it off and quiffed: "Sagutin mo naman ung tanong ko please. Importante saken to." As we continue to drive in less than optimal visibility.

Wow! Big words!

"Dahil ba saken kaya ka nagkakaganyan?"

It seems I can no longer evade his question. For the first time in that ride home, I looked at his face. His face is serious and he seems a bit distraught.

Sighing. I softly remarked, "Pabayaan mo nalang ako. Ganito ung way ko para i-let go ka..."

Saying that out loud felt like something got stuck in my throat. I don't like this kind of drama. To be more accurate, I'm fed up with this kind of drama.

"Ayoko naman na palakihin pa ung issue kasi ang gusto ko nalang mawala nalang ung attachment ko sayo."

We were still in the highway. We still have a long way to go and probably, lots to talk about. I knew I opened a big can of worms with what I said. But here's a chance to finally tell him why this is happening.

"i-let go ako? Baket?"

"Sa tingin mo baket?" Ha! Nice counter!

He got quiet for a while then remarked: "Dahil ba to sa girlfriend ko?"

Wow! He's surprisingly very receptive ah! For a straight guy! I'm impressed!

"Eh sabihan ba naman ako na mangaagaw ng boyfriend sino bang matutuwa?" Baring my fangs and claws. "Wala akong ginagawang masama. Walang namamagitan saten. Magkaibigan lang tayo. Tapos sasabihan ako ng ganon? Fuck diba?!"

I exploded. I was so damn furious because I am being accused of doing something I did not. I'm simply a friend. His friend.

He didn't say a word. He's probably trying to check my temper. I don't really lash out like this so he's new to this.

"I'm sorry pero I'm never going to be used to this drama. This is not the first time that this has happened. Dati sinabihan ako na naiilang daw sya sken! Fuck! Mukha ba akong nang-aakit? Mabait ako kasi kaibigan nyo ako! Pero binibigyan ng kulay ng ibang tao ung kabaitan ko!", My mouth slew words in rapid succession. "...Kaya ako nalang maadjust. Ayoko na ung drama! Nakakasawa na eh!" I added, my body trembling with anger.

"So ang solusyon mo eh i-let go ako?"

"Oo! Pag nawala ang attachment ko sayo, hindi na kelangan isipin pa. I'm sorry pero friendship with me comes with this attachment and special services. I'm just trying to still be your friend and give you the services kahit hindi nako attached sayo. Ang labo lang kasi na mawawalan ka ng kaibigan over something this trivial." I was fighting back the tears amidst my loud voice.

"Sorry ganyan na pala nararamdaman mo. Sorry talaga. Pabayaan mo kakausapin ko girlfriend ko."

"Alam mo wag na. Mag aaway lang kayo. Alam ko na yun kasunod nyan kasi nga sabi ko sayo hindi to first time na mangyari saken. Kaya ako nalang magaadjust. I just dont want the drama. Mukha namang mahal na mahal mo ung girlfriend mo, tsaka i want you two to be together."

"Pero unfair naman sayo na ganun iniisip nya sayo. Wala ka namang ginagawang masama."

"Exactly. Wala akong ginagawang masama. Kaya nga ang sama sama ng loob ko. Para akong sinampal kahit na wala naman akong kasalanan. Pero wag na, kasi nga mag aaway lang kayo. And I am not worth it."

"Pero... what if ikaw ang kumausap sa kanya?"

"Makinig ka. Kung mapapaliwanagan ang girlfriend mo, hindi issue sa kanya ang presence ko sa tabi mo. Hindi mo nga nadefend sa kaya na wala akong gusto sayo eh, what makes you think na makikinig sya saken?"

He suddenly became silent. I don't know, maybe he was thinking about what I said? Uncomfortable silence filled his car. Even with ambient rain drops as background noise, i couldn't bear the silence that we have in that car.

I turned the radio on again, hopefully to break some ice. And Adam Levine's voice echoed as he belts out the song, She will be loved.

Song faded and Stay by Carol Banawa played its intro.

"Punyeta. Nananadya ba tong radyo?" I thought.

🎵 i want you stay 🎵
🎵 Never go away from me 🎵
🎵 Stay forever🎵

He lowered the volume of the radio then said, "Hindi ko na ba mababago ung isip mo? Ano na lang magiging set up natin?"

He seems to be really concerned about this. I can discern his melancholy just with the way he asked his questions.

"Wag ka na malungkot. Kaibigan mo pa rin naman ako. Iiwasan ko lang na magselos ung girlfriend mo. Ako na mismo ung pipigil sa sarili ko na maging malapit tayo. Basta kung kelangan mo ako tutulungan kita. Pero hindi na katulad dati na kahit di mo ako kelangan nandyan ako."

"Bakit mo pa kasi kelangan gawin yan? Kakausapin ko na lang girlfriend ko para matapos na to!" He's getting a bit agitated.

We just entered the expressway. No traffic despite the heavy rain throughout our journey. I kept quiet after he raised his voice.

"Sorry." I mumbled.

"Ha?"

"Sabi ko sorry." With confidence.

"Bakit ka naman nagsosorry? Ako nga may atraso sayo."

"Di mo naman kasalanan yun. Di naman kita sinisisi dun. Nagsosorry ako kasi, selfish decision ko to."

"Panong selfish decision?"

I gave a very deep sigh and proceeded to tell my true reasons.

"This is the only way for me to save myself from the pain. Nasasaktan ako. Masakit para saken gawin to." I am desperately trying to fight back my tears. "Pero ayoko naman mawala ka completely sa buhay ko. Ayoko na mawalan ng kaibigan dahil lang sa ganito."

Silence again. Ice cold silence.

We continued our journey in the express way in that quiet moment. Neither of us said a word. He continued to drive while I looked at the window pane on my right. We passed by fields and buildings. Familiar sceneries from my weekly travel back and forth from our plant and home.

After a while, we stopped by the toll plaza. While waiting our turn, I looked at him. Surprisingly, he looked into my direction as well. His eyes were filled with sorrow. It pains me to see him like this. I bit my lip again then looked away.

When it was our turn, I gave him the exact amount for our toll.

"Wag na. Ako na." He said. While trying to sweep my hand away.

"Sige na. Eto na oh sakto na oh." I knew the exact amount because my job requires me to go to Manila once in a while aboard our service.

"Kaya ka nga sumabay saken para makatipid ka diba?"

"Sige na. Baka eto na ang last na maisakay mo ko dito." Yes. It will be.

With that quip, he froze for a good few seconds then took the money and payed the toll lady. He was silent while the lady processed our transaction. As soon as the bar went up, we went our way again towards Manila.

"Huli na ba talaga?", he asked while not looking at me. His eyes still on the road.

We both exasperated deep sighs. I looked at him and continued my litany.

"Alam mo, kung ako lang, ayoko naman sanang may magbago saten. Pero acknowledge naman natin ung mga nangyayari ngayon. Iba dati na tayo tayo lang ang iniisip natin. Ngayon may iba na... May girlfriend ka na." My voice softens as I say those words.

"Hindi mo naman kelangan pumili.", I continued. "Kaya ko nga ginagawa to para hindi mo na kakailanganing pumili..."

"Damn!", he exclaimed while hitting the steering wheel. He then became silent. You can read what he is feeling from his face.

I let him be and i just sat there silently. Quite frankly, I'm trying to fight of my tears. My heart has been aching since the moment I saw him distraught. Yet, I can't do anything to help him.

We just stopped talking in the remainder of the ride. I turned up the volume of the radio just to mask the obvious tension between us.

Soon after, his cellphone rang. His girlfriend was calling. I knew it was her. I was the one who told him to assign a specific ringtone for his girlfriend so he knows if she's calling immediately. I turned down the volume so he can talk to her. When he answered the call, I busied myself with the other cars on the expressway. Pardon that I cannot describe them in detail as I am completely clueless in car models. The best I can describe them is by color or size.

"Tinatanong lang nya kung nasan ako." He broke the silence, "nagpapasundo sya sa isang mall."

"Ah ganun ba... sige, ibaba mo nalang ako sa may overpass pag nakalabas na tayo ng NLEX para makadirecho ka na sa pagsundo sa kanya." I replied, mellowing out.

"Okay lang, ihahatid kita sa inyo.", he replied.

"Wag na, masyado nang out of way. Malelate ka pang sunduin ung girlfriend mo. Remember Friday ngayon. Kaya naman siguro yun nagpapasundo kasi ayaw na nya magcommute.", reasoning with him.

"Okay lang yun. Inaya kitang sumabay, marapat lang na tuparin ko ung end of the bargain." At this point, I'm starting to get pissed.

"Kaya magseselos ang girlfriend mo eh! Don't add fuel to fire!", my icy remark. Well it's true!

"Anung fuel to fire ang pinagsasabi mo dyan?! Wala akong ginagawang masama! Ikaw na nagsabi kanina magkaibigan lang tayo! Ginagawa ko to bilang kaibigan mo!"

"Alam ko naman yan! Pinagseselosan ako ng girlfriend mo! Alam kong alam mo yan! Kaya nga hindi mo sinabing kasama mo ako ngayon diba? Kaya nga simula ng malaman mo na pinagseselosan nya ako, kinailangan ko nang maging hangin pag kasama ka!" I blurted out in a fit of anger. It's true! He hides the fact that I'm with him everytime his girlfriend calls!

"Akala mo ba di ko napapansin?!", I continued ranting, "... Di ako nagsasalita kasi yun ang mas makakabuti! Dahil ayoko na nga ng drama! Bakit akala mo wala lang saken un? Ha?! Nung araw na unang ginawa mo saken yan, umiiyak ako sa likod ng kotse mo! Hindi ako humihikbi pero ung puso ko durog na durog! Ikinahiya mo ko! Dineny mo ung pagkatao ko!"

I wiped away my tears as a blurted out those words. All the pain in my heart just urged me to say everything. I may have planned not to leave him but it seems it's inevitable.

He continued to drive silently. As if he did not hear me. Not that it matter.

Finally, we exited the expressway. We were silent all the way out of it. I shouted at him 3 times that day. The first 3 and last 3 times i raised my voice in front of him.

"Itabi mo na lang dyan sa may overpass." I calmly declared.

He turned to the side shoulder and stopped the car. I looked at him as he stares back at me. His eyes, I can read it in his eyes. He's telling me to stay. But I made up my mind. I will not trouble him anymore in having to him choose between me and his girlfriend. It's just not fair for him.

I placed my left hand on his right shoulder. "Take care of yourself okay?" I said and gave a shy smile. A smile so fake it's made in China. He nodded but I can still see sadness in his eyes.

I took of my seatbelt, gathered my things, and stepped out of the car. I went straight to the overpass. As soon as I began ascending the stairs, his car passed where I stood. It was a slow mo moment. I was able to catch a glimpse of his face as his car whizz by.

At the top platform, I was not able to contain my emotions anymore. I broke down while I watch his car disappear in the metro. That must have been a goodbye.

I continued on walking in the platform while crying. Good thing no one was around to see that I was in tears. I gave a deep sigh and went down the stairs.

On the ground, I was 'normal' again. As if my breakdown never happened. My mask is now on again. Defenses up! I hailed a jeep, rode the vehicle, and it drove away.

"Ma, bayad po!", smiling but silently in tears in the passenger seat.



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Last night ni Wilter von Phar

Etong tulang ito ay based sa kanta ni Toey Sittiwat na pinamagatang "I cant hug you" na syang isang OST ng Make It Right The Series, na kinababaliwan kong Thais Series mapasahanggang ngayon. Super nakarelate ako sa emosyon ng kanta. Kaya alay ko sayo to Book, ung character ni Toey.

About the title, ginawa ko syang english dahil gusto ko ung duality ng interpretation ng "Last Night", pwede syang 'Kagabi' or 'Huling gabi'. Sa bandang dulo, bahala na si reader kung iinterpret nyang kung ang pinatay ba nung narrator eh ung sarili nya (suicide) or ung damdamin nya (nagmove on).

Last Night ni Wilter Von Phar

Nakatingin lang ako sa langit
Minamasdan ang mga bituin
Gumugulong ulap sa ihip ng hangin.
Malamig. Pero di naman ako nanginginig.
Malamig, un ang nararamdaman ko.
Malamig. Dahil sa gabing ito.
Lilisan ka na katulad ng mga ulap
Na kanina'y sa buwan nakatakip.

Nasa tuktok tayo ng gusali
Di ko na maalala kung san yon
Basta andun tayo. Nakatayo.
Sa ilalim ng liwanag ng buwan.

Lumingon ako sayo.
Nakatayo ka lang doon.
Nakatingin. Seryoso.
Hindi ko naman masabing galit
Pero hindi ka kasi nakangiti.
Lumapit ako at tumayo sa harap mo.
Ngayon magkatingin na tayo.
Habang bumabagsak ang liwanag ng ilaw ng buwan sa ating mga mukha

Gusto kong tumigil ang oras
Yun bang wag na matapos ung ating tagpo
Alam ko kasing un na ang huling beses na magkakaharap tayo ng ganun
Tinititigan kita na para bang kinakabisado ko ang bulto mo
Magkatingin pa rin tayo
Akala mo nag uusap gamit ang paningin
Pero wala akong maintindihan sa gusto mong sabihin o ipahiwatig
Sapagkat hirap na akong pigilin ang mga luha kong pumatak

Hindi na ako nakatiis.
Lumapit ako para yakapin ka.
Sinubsob ko ang mukha ko sa kaliwang balikat mo
Sabay ng pagpulupot ng mga braso ko sa iyong balikat at leeg
Niyapos mo na din ako sa tagpong yon
Huminga ako ng malalim
Inalala ko ang dahilan kung paano tayo umabot sa ganito

Hinigpitan ko pa yapos ko sayo
Sa pagalala ko sa lahat ng mga tagpo natin
Ung mga ngiti mo
Ung mga tawa mo
Ung mga titig mo
Lahat ng yon bumalik sa aking tanaw
Habang ang ulo mo'y nakabagsak din sa balikat ko

Sa bandang huli, unti unti akong bumitaw sayo
Unti unti nagkalayo ang mga katawan natin
At muling bumalik ang ginaw ng paligid
Magkaharap tayong muli
Nagkakatitigan nanaman ulit.
At katulad ng pagbitaw ko sa iyong mga bisig
Ikaw na ang bumitaw sa ating pagkatitig
Dahan dahan ka nang naglakad pabalik
Tumalikod, at tinungo ang daan paalis

Naiwan ako sa lamig at luwag ng bubong
Habang pinapanood kang unti unting mawala.
Nais kong sumigaw
Nais kong humiyaw
Nais kong umayaw sa eksenang naganap
Ngunit sa pag alis mo at hindi mo paglingon
Wala na akong nagawa, dahil alam kong kagustuhan mo yon

Ngayon nakatingin nanaman ako sa langit
Hawak hawak ang balikat kung saan ang ulo mo'y huling dumantay
Sinusulyapan ko yon, inaalala
ang hugis
ang bigat
ang emosyon ng taong huling pumatong roon.
Isang malalim na hininga ang pinakawalan ko

Yon ang ating huling gabi...

Ang aking huling gabi...

Ang huling pagtibok ng puso ko...

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