Just a few weeks ago, I severed ties with a close friend. The reason behind doing so is deeply rooted to this Bridge of Fantasy. I understand that he is a late bloomer for this kind of thing. But I just don't get it why he has not learn anything from his very own experiences. I believe that this sort of thing is essential for every gay man to learn by himself because it will provide you with enough pain to be stronger. But I simply become an absorber of his negativity and angst that stems from his immaturity.
I had enough.
Well, he was the first to snap when I blatantly told him the realities of his present predicament. What kind of brothers have sex with each other?" He fired back with a tirade of sentiments all saying the same thing: he thought I would listen. I was listening. I was listening to every cup of angst, every bottle of jealousy, and every slice hatred for every person going in between every MEN in his life. And I am highlighting this. HIS PROBLEM IS JUST THE SAME SCENARIO WITH DIFFERENT MEN!!!
Hatred Cycle
1. There is a new guy.
2. They will communicate regularly through text. Text when he wakes up, Text when he is going somewhwere, Text when he is breathing in and out, Text when he is closing his eyes to sleep.
3. They will develop a special bond.
4. They will have attachment in differing levels. He will emotionally invest more evident when he is doing special services to the guy.
5. They will have endearment. The special name calling phase (Kuya, Bestfriend,Boyfriend, etc)
6. There will be an issue. Guy will suddenly have a change of heart due to multitude of reasons / He will have cold feet about the relationship because he considers homosexual relationships as a sin / He will create his own issue because he acts like a jealous obsessed girlfriend.
7. He will leave the guy because he wants to be alone for a while. He will enter what we call his Ermitanyo mode wherein he cannot be found anywhere as if he retreated to some oddly world dimension.
8. He will come out of hiding and tries to fix things with the guy.
9. His effort will be in vain because the endearment is gone. He starts to curse the world for going against his relationship with the guy. Though he stills deny any feelings for the guy only shadowing it with the term, bestfriend, kuya, etc.
10. His heart will break and will cry.
11. As his heart recuperates, he meets a new guy.
12. Rinse and Repeat.
What I am frustrated the most is that in every complete cycle he just laments that it was his fault. It is always his fault anyway. He acts like an overly jealous and obsessed girlfriend. From what I read in Cosmo's top ten list of signs of being an obsessed girlfriend, he's a 10/10. What's more, HE IS NOT EVEN THE GUY'S GIRLFRIEND!!! HE ACTS LIKE IT BUT DENIES HAVING FEELINGS FOR THE GUY! Clearly, there is really a fine line between caring for a person and obsession.
But here's a shocker, "Ganun naman kasi talaga ako..." That's his defense for being that way. And he wouldn't change anything because that's the way he is he says. Yet, he always questions why everyone is leaving him. "Ganyan ka kasi...", is my short answer to that.
I do admit that I'm really hard on him. Perhaps because I went through the same thing. Same heartache. Same self-loathing. But those experiences changed me. Because I learned a lot from them. And those things made me who I am now. And I can say they changed me for the better. Which I think he still fighting to do. If only he will understand that he needs to make some changes regarding his attitude and way of life, he will be enlightened.
For a long time, I denied I have feelings for Albert when we were in college. I did. Not because I was scared he would reject me, but because I was just happy just being with him. That's why I acted like a girlfriend without saying anything, without expressing i wanted anything. Because I knew what my part was, I was his bestfriend and I was not his girlfriend. I never demanded that he fetch me, take me home, get me something on my birthday or text me everyday. I enjoy being beside him. Though that wasn't enough for me emotionally, but I knew that is the only scenario that I can settle in.
Naiilang ako...
When I first heard Albert say that and it was referenced to me, my world shattered. It hurt me more because I was really doing my best to just settle to just being beside him. And this is me not acting overly jealous and obsessed. What more for this friend of mind who acts like such.
Kung gusto mo kasing ikaw lang, jowain mo na.
That's the best advice that I gave him, but he retaliated with I'm not into him, I just don't look at him that way. Yeah right, then you have sex or you exchange kinky text message/pictures? Oh yeah. Tooooootally bestfriend-y/brotherly stuff.
If you call him Kuya, act like a little brother. If you call him your bestfriend, act like your his bestfriend. Don't mistake his endearment of friendship or special relationship like that of passionate love. Just because you are giving him attention, doesn't mean he is compelled to do the same to you. It's a free world. You just need to understand the fact that your into him and his not into you. You deny and deny, but that's the truth. Obsession is a negative form of love. It destroys relationships not bridge them. If you continue with this obsessive form of love, you just going through the cycle all over again.
Just like you, I have important men in my life. I have special names that I call them as they have with me. But i love them selflessly, without asking anything in return. Though sometimes I do have dirty thoughts of them with me, but I am bounded to the principle that I made for myself. That I will never have sex with any of them and I will never ask for anything in return. I do it because it makes me happy. And of course, because I love them and I enjoy being with them.
Open your eyes to reality. This is the real world. Wake up from your fantasy dreamland of your naked boys whom you call Kuya or Bestfriend. If you want to be with them do it right. Do not deny your feelings. You're just not being true to yourself.
