This passed week during lunch time at work, I had sudden inspiration to write short poems. Here they are:

Gulong
Umusad ang mundong nakapako
muling nabuhay ang puso't dugo
Pagnaghoy sa sinta unti unting nililimot
Bumabangong muli sa mundong umiikot

Envelope
A container holds the most important of things
maybe white, brown, just a single sheet
But when feelings are the ones kept within
Sealed not by adhesive but tears

Fleeting
motion heading outward. Away.
Without word of mouth to say.
Like a lily slowly drifting with its leaves
afar in the horizon. Vanishing from perspective.

---

My most favorite of the three is the last one, Fleeting. It's a depiction of my love for Prince Charming. I know it's still there but it is slowly dissipates and will soon vanish, just like the lily that is being washed away by the river. Some things are just left with time to wash it away.

Walang plastikan.

Hinintay ko buong magdamag na igreet nya ako kahapon dahil birthday ko. At sa pagmulat ng mata ko kanina, cellphone ko agad yung una kong hinanap. Nagbakasakali na naalala nya yung birthday ko kahit tapos na.

Wala. Hindi dumating yung mensaheng iniintay ko.

Tama nga ako. Hindi ko alam bakit pa ako nagdalawang isip pa. Siguro kasi talagang nagmahal lang talaga ako. Ang weird noh? Nagmahal na wala namang ginagawa saken. Ganun talaga pag naiinlove dahil sa chemicals. Wahahahah!

At least ngayon I can have a stronger resolve na wala na talaga. Ayoko din naman maging flavor of the month ulet. Wala. Wala na ang pagmamahal ko sa kanya. Lumipas na yung pagmamahal na inalay ko na hindi naman nya pinansin. So there is nothing left to do but to completely move on.

Kaya ko. I've been here multiple times.

Maraming klase daw ang pagmamahal. Though hindi ako isang Psychology major, masasabi ko na may itong iba't ibang klaseng iba iba din ang lebel nito depende sa importansya nito sa tao. Yung iba importante ang sexual love; Familial love sa iba. Dakila din talaga yung mas mahalaga ang selfless love. Masarap din saksakin yung mga narcissistic love ang mahalaga. Iba, nababaliw sa romantic love. Pero sabi ko nga, iba iba ang importansya nya sa mga tao depende kung ano ang kinamulatan at pangangailangan nila.

Ako. Dahil masasabi ko na mahalaga saken ang mga pagmamahal na ito in ascending order: Familial love, Love of Friendship, Romantic love, selfless love, sexual love.

Oh baka isipin nyo amplastic plastik ko na yung sexual love yung pinakahuli. Take note lang po natin na ang kalibugan o lust ay hindi expression of love. It's a selfish satisfaction of one's earthly desire; As oppose to sexual love na "love" in a sense na exchange of passionate feelings.

Anyway, going back to my love hierarchy... Syempre unang una pa din ang love of kinship o ang pagmamahal na mula sa pamilya. Maswerte ako na tanggap ako ng pamilya ko bilang ako. Napagtanto ko habang lumalaki ako na pag may problema ako sa bahay mas madali akong mastress than usual. Although, lumaki akong pasaway na laging umaalis ng madaling araw nung high school ako, ayun, maswerte talaga ako na may kultura nga pagtanggap, pagpapatawad, at pagbibigay laya sa pamilya namin.

Love of friendship na yung sumunod. Let it be on record that I treasure my friends. I am a very loyal person especially to those people who earned them. Kaya nga I'm very careful whom I choose to interact with. As much as possible I stay away from people who show/have red flag traits. The Red Flag traits are: Mayabang, Plastik, Feeling Maganda, Feeling Matalino, Bobo, Walang Leadership Quality, Social Climber, Liar, Traitor, Predator. Mula sa pinakasimple hanggang sa talaga namang kahindik hindik na traits. Mas gugustuhin ko pang maging friends sa mga Serial killer na alam ko hindi ako sasaksakin sa likod noh dahil hihingi sya ng tulong saken na idispose yung katawan ng biktima nya kesa maging friends sa mga plastik.

Mas importante saken ang Friendship love kesa sa Romantic love. Kaya ko mainlove sa iba't ibang tao, pero yung friendship na kayang ioffer sa mga kaibigan ko. Special yun sa bawat isa. Hindi pantay pantay ang tingin ko sa mga kaibigan ko. Perong mas importante saken kaysa sa iba. Hindi nko magpapakaplastik. Totoo yun. May special treatment ako sa iba. Yun ang reaosn kaya I will never (again) break the line of friendship and romance. I crashed and burned nung ginawa ko yun. Ayoko na maramdaman ulet yung panghihinyang dahil lang I went to far with my emotions.

hmmmp... Moving on to romantic love. Pag ako nainlove wagas. Kaya pag ako nasaktan wagas din. At ang tanging sandigan pag nasasaktan nah... Kaibigan! Kaya mas mahalaga ang friendship love noh! Pero pag umabot ako sa point na everything feels right. Ay! Full force ang dyosang itey!

Pag ako nagmahal ng tao, lahat ibibigay ko. Imbis na para saken para sa kanila nalang. Selfless love na itu! *cue Only Selfless love!*

Tsaka palang papasok yung Sexual love or intimacy. Ewan ko, iba kasi pag may pagmamahal na kasama ang sex eh, yung hindi libog lang. Promise iba. Hindi fulfilling yun eh.

At finally naexplain ko na yung love para saken at importansya nito sa buhay ko. Ngayon, try ko naman iexplain kung bakit para saken may expiration date ang pagmamahal.

Ngayon sinasabi ko na hindi sa lahat nang tao mag-aapply etong mga sasabihin ko. Iba iba tayo ng outlook sa buhay, proof nyan eh iba iba nga tayo ng LOVE na gustong maramdaman.

Para saken, in some degree pwedeng optional nalang yung last three sa hierarchy of love ko. "in some degree" lang kasi alam ko naman hindi din ako mabubuhay ng wala yung mga yun paminsan minsan. Pwede namang walang jowa pero minsan you want to feel that "importance" sa ibang tao. Pwede din naman ako maging selfish at gawin lahat ng gusto ko pero i'm naturally benevolent naman so masasabi kong selfless ako in some degree. Hindi din naman ako sexually active for a long time, pero I really get the feeling na tigang ako lately.

Pero pag ako nainlove sa lalake, laging more than friendship ang hanap ko. Meaning romantic love. Kahit hindi nya ireciprocate minsan nag-eevolve ito sa pagiging selfless love. Magpapatuloy ang pagmamahal na yun hangga't s akaya pa ng puso kong stubborn. Pero once na magmaliw na yung nararamdaman ko, the longing for the romantic love. Nawawala din ang pagmamahal na yun. Ganun talaga pag hindi inaalagaan ang pagmamahal na inaalay mo sa isang tao.

Sinusubukan ko naman laging maghold on, hangga't kaya pa ng puso ko, maghohold on ako. Pero katulad ng lahat ng tao, napapagod din ako, ganun din ang puso ko. Nawawala din yung pagmamahal na inaalay mo sa isang tao kung puro sakit at pangungulila lang ang binibigay nung taong yun sayo.

Parang ngayon, akala ko si Prince Charming na yung lalakeng pinagdasal ko pa kay San Pedro Calunsod. Pero ngayon halos hindi ko na maramdaman yung pagmamahal sa kanya. Dati iniisip ko sya palagi, ngayon parang wala na. Ni hindi na tumitibok yung puso ko ng mabilis pag nakita ko sya sa Facebook feed ko. Alam ko dapat nagsasaktan ako ngayon dahil wala na sya, pero parang wala lang. Minsan naiinggit ako kay Eric ng My Husband's Lover (played by Dennis Trillo) kasi pag nasasaktan sya, nakakaiyak sya. Ako. Wala na. Manhind na eh. Eto na yung sinsasabing expiration ng pagmamahal. Alam ko alam nya na mahal ko sya, but we both chose not to get it to a higher notch. Madami din kasi ako talagang issues na hindi pa naayos sa sarili ko. Kaya talangang hindi na magwowork out pah.

Basta dapat pag mahal ka, at mahal mo din. Alagaan mo para hindi magexpire yung pagmamahal nyo sa isa't isa. Ang love parang apoy kung hindi mo to lalagyan ng panggatong hindi ito magniningas ng malaki at mainit. Diba ganun ang pagmamahalan? Dapat laging mainit.

I feel different...

I...

My heart is numb... I can't feel it anymore...

Nothing but a hole lies in the center of my chest.

The overflowing love has run dry. GONE. Like A plant that withered and died. Like a flame that has no more fuel to burn.

I feel no pain, just this numb feeling. A feeling of emptiness. As if something is missing.

I'm in this familiar space again. This cramped world that I had been to countless of times. I know why I am here. I know the reason why I am here again. I have become complacent with the feelings I have with Prince Charming. This is now the time that I will bargain with myself if I will push through with my feelings or not.

I loved so many times before. I have been hurt the same number of times. Every scar in my heart is a proof of the way I love. But every time that I come to the point that I feel good about the relationship, external factors unknown to me always get in the way.

There is this thin wall of uncertainty that Prince Charming and I share. Every time we text, at the back of my mind there is always this nagging feeling that he doesn't have the same feelings for me. That this, yet again, is another make-believe. That is why my heart is doing its interlock so to speak. It's defensive measure after countless of times of being scarred.

I'm beginning to question everything again. Why does he text me? Why does he talk to me? Why is it that he asked me for help? Why is it that he sends mixed signals? Why does something that feel so good can be untrue? Why can't be together? Why do I feel that he is so distant? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY?

I guess I'm just scared. I'll lose my mind if I will think about it too much.

I watched Legally Blonde the Musical twice last weekend. Thank God for Youtube I was able to watch it. Watching my favorite movie turned into a musical was just a delight. I watched Legally Blonde starring Reese Witherspoon for, oh, like gazillion times! And with this download of the musical, I'm sure it will be played numerous times here in my laptop. But this post is not about the musical per se. This post is about how much I relate to the lead, Ms. Elle Woods.

No no no... I do not relate to her about the looks, the brains, the fashion, and the wealth. I relate to her about her outlook about LOVE. That she did her best to try to get back the love that she thinks is perfect for her, and eventually found a new one. The one that is perfect for her.

At this point in my life, I have loved, not just once, but multiple times. Some of these developed into a more feasible and everlasting relationship called friendship. Some failed, I crashed and burned because I loved too much. These failed relationships made me who I am today. The strong willed individual who can take care of himself. But of course, with all the positive effects of these failures, come the scars that haunt me even today.

In the story of Legally Blonde the Musical, there are primarilly two men in Elle's Law School life: Warner Huntington III and Emmet Forrest. Warner, Elle's "True Love" and the primary reason why she did her best to get to Harvard Law School. And then we have Emmet, the geeky support system and dear friend.

I relate to Elle in such a way that I think I found the right person for me. He's smart, cool, and has a high sense of justice and goodness in him. He's MY Prince Charming. But the scars from my past relationships are giving me doubts. Will he accept me for who I am? Will he be able to take on the challenge of living with an alternative lifestyle? Will he strive to make the relationship last? Haunting questions that only he can answer.

Is he Warner? The guy who looks at the outside, who will look at my plump body and say that we are no match for each other because of it? The guy who says his life is planned out for him? He is male and therefore cannot have a relationship with another male? The guy who will always go at the safe side because that is where the easily life is?

Or is he Emmet? The guy who sees all the positive in me. The guy who will see pass through my 1st line of defense. The guy who inspires me to do what I am capable of doing and make me a better person.

I don't know. Maybe I was just hurt too much before. Well, that's how I love. I love the person completely, With all my heart, body, and soul.

Deep in my heart I wish that he will be Emmet. I love him. I really really love him. I love him so much I think about him every second that I am breathing. Sounds familiar right? But, that's how much I love him.

But regardless of what I feel for him, I really don't have any idea if we can be more than friends. I have no doubt that we can be great friends. That's good too but I really want our relationship to be more than just great friends.

This is not the 1st time that I felt good about loving someone. The 1st time was with MONSTER. And if you have read that period in my life that I was in love with that MONSTER, I'm sure you know that I was the only one who got hurt. I spiralled to a pit of loneliness. I was left shattered and broken behind a veil of secret. Even now, I still don't know the reason why I was left to rot alone with all the promises and dreams we both made.

Honestly, I'm scared. That this again is just make-believe. A false dream that I am dreaming alone. I want to ask him but I am scared that I will be rejected once again. Who is not anyway? You can add more bar to my emotional scar scoreboard if that happens. But I guess, if I won't make a move I will forever be in this stand-still.

The girls and I hitched a ride from Sir Ely to the Highway gate. He dropped us on the unloading area so we can have our bioscript scan to exit the premises. We were talking while we were doing the process. I said goodbye to the girls since the car will be heading straight to the Bunkhouse. Since I don't stay there, I began walking to the direction of the jeepney stop.

I was about to walk away when familiar faces emerged from the corner. I immediately recognized my batchmates' faces so I called for one of them. "Egan!", I called. Their faces lighted up when they saw me.

"Kamusta naman kayo?", my usual question when I see my batchmates. They said they were fine and things are finally going well "down there". I think they just bought their dinner. I asked why they were buying it from so far away but they wasn't able to answer the question because someone quipped, "Andyan si Pute, Whil."

In a slow mo, I turned my head on the right and there he was...

[insert Angelic song SFX, light from heaven effect on Price Charming]

Charming as always. He was wearing a white sando and his favorite shorts. (He like wore it gazillion times already!) and he seems... different... He looks different... He's vibe is... different. At that time I couldn't put my finger on what was really different about him.

While one side of my brain was busy wondering what is different about Prince Charming, my multitasking brain's other half asked Prince Charming about my favor. He said it's at their house. I then announced that I will be joining them to their house.

He and another housemate led our group to our journey to their house. I was conversing with the another two who were Pres and I's batchmates. While walking, I finally realized what was different about him.

His physique is different. His skinny physique is now gone. He has broader shoulders now and his arms are developing. His chest is developing too. And more importantly, he is not maputi anymore. He developed a nice tan.


Sorta something like this
After the events that afternoon, I texted him about my observation.

"...ngayon ko lang napansin, siguro kasi pag naguusap tayo sa Admin mga less than five minutes lang, kaya hindi ko napapansin. You look more mature..."

"...Because I am..."

I sure hope so. Well, I truly feel that he matured for the better. My Prince Charming is now a Knight. A White Knight. =D


Watch out bullies!

I was a bit tense that Wednesday afternoon. I couldn't focus on the document that I was working on. If you ask Mr. Webster, I'm sure he'll tell you that anxious is the adjective that describes me perfectly in that instance. My mind was a smorgasbord of things from my work items and scenarios with the object of my affection.

I know Prince Charming was coming to the office. I was texting him the previous night and he said that he will give me his pasalubong from Puerto G that day. He didn't give a specific time, so I figured he will drop by our office after his shift. That will be around 2PM.

Exactly 1:37 PM, my throat ran dry; Probably from the anxiety. I took my water bottle and went to the pantry. I zoned out mindlessly as I fill up my water bottle. I went back to my office table afterwards. My laptop time showed 1:40 PM. "Gosh! Time goes slowly when your anxious!", I exclaimed in my head.

I tried to calm down by doing extra-curricular work. I was designing something for my special project. Damn. Still can't focus. Prince Charming's face keeps popping up! Fortunately, our manager gave me a new task through email. It was urgent so I slapped myself with my ghost hand and tried to focus on the task at hand.

I was finalizing my email with someone when Ate Nympa called my attention:

"Oh Tita Whil, 2 o'clock na. Nasan na sya?"

Uu nga. Nasan na nga sya? Words in my head. Well I was prepared for the worst anyway. Probably he forgot about it. I know he doesn't bring his cellphone to so he couldn't text me. I decided to look for him. I opened our door looked sideways. I just gave a deep sigh when he was not there. I went to the HR because I saw a crowd by the door. He was not there too. I loitered for about five good minutes then decided to end my search. It was in vain anyway.

I sat down my chair trying to calm my chagrin. I just focused on the email I was composing because I had it send it out before end of day. Oh well. Ganun talaga ang buhay.

I just clicked the send button when there was a knock on the door. The door opened and Prince Charming's head popped in. I turned my head to the direction of the wall to try to hide my kilig face from my colleagues. I opened my top drawer and took out my gift for him.

Finally I went to the door. I closed my eyes, bit my lip then turned the knob and opened that slab of wood. He smiled and raised his hand holding a seashell.

"Nabura eh. Nabura ung isang letter.", he said as he handed me his pasalubong.

"Okay lang yun.", I said smiling.

He then began to walk away. I was still holding my gift to him in my hand. I became conscious of the people in the corridor. I backed down from giving him my gift.

I returned to my work station. I tried my best not to look at the faces of my officemates. But I'm pretty sure they all look something like this:

After five short minutes I stood up and decided to give it to him. I have waited a long time to give that shirt. I went to the HR since I believe he had some business there. But a crowd lingered by the door so I still couldn't give it to him without getting an impression from the spectators.

That happened at least three times more of me backing down to give him my gift. I just decided to text him to inform him that I forgot to give him my gift to him. He replied that I can give it to him the next day.

My big smile was plastered on the face that cause a little teasing from the people in the office. There must've been a little blushing on the side too.

I contemplated where I would use my new seashell keychain. First, I thought I should replace my strawberry keychain and use it for my house keys. But I went against it since I lend my keys to others. Then I had an idea. There is just one place where it is perfect to place.

My one of a kind seashell kitchen with the letters "Whi" on my black Jansport Office use bag. =D

Every day I pray that no harm comes to the people I love. Especially those I met in the work place that are very close to my heart. Though I won't mention any specifics, I heard one of the most chilling stories in my life.

Our group was driving down National highway when our driver spoke of his experience earlier that day. It literally sent chills down my spine as he narrates his near-death experience. I may have acted calm and cool at the back seat but in reality, my mind raced with worry. The group then provided inputs on the what should have been done first before doing that particular task. Since my position mainly focuses on adherence to Procedure. I just contributed that they need to follow procedure.

My fear of big hairy spiders certainly slips as my top phobia. My fear of the boys getting hurt or worse dying in a worst scenario definitely takes the cake. I care for them and I will truly be devastated if anything will happen to them. With the thought that the same thing can happen with Prince Charming... I'm fucked scared as shit!

Protego Maxima! Fianto Duri! Repello Inimicum!
Protego Horribilis! Protego Totalum!
Just five more days before we, Refiners Batch 12, are officially regular employees of our company. I empathize with the boys when they say Nakakapagod, nakakatamad, nakakabanas yung supervisor and all other complaints they can say. Really. I empathize.

Last week is probably the most stressful (yet) week I had with our section. Probably because of the tons of work to be done. Both in line and extra curricular. Swear! I empathize with the boys. Though I know their designation mainly takes a blitzkrieg in the physical aspect, mine tend to foray into the mental and emotional.

I just hope I don't hear insensitive comments anymore. I mean, I'm trying my best to balance out everything. Like I said, the more things they put on my plate, the more it will be put on hold depending on the urgency. Though I know I am the new one, I CANNOT LEARN EVERYTHING AT THE SAME TIME. I know I'm Superwoman but damn, Superwoman cannot handle Metropolis and Smallville at the same time! I'm trying to juggle tons of documents, and I mean tons. Then they expect me TO CHAPERONE people whom can perform the task without me, then ASK me to do things they can perfectly do themselves.

HAAAAY!!!

Anyway, I say this words for myself and for the whole Refiners Batch 12.

Fianto Duri!

by etymology: Latin: "fiant" meaning "become", "duri" plural of the Latin word durus meaning "hard".

Altogether, Fianto Duri means become hard.

Become hard to the relentless culture within our company.

Become hard to the harsh environment that we all are exposed too whether physical, mental, psychological, or emotional.

Become hard and determined, that just a few more days, we have proven ourselves worthy to be regular employees.

Isang linggo ko na din ineenjoy yung lamig ng bagong kabit kong aircon sa bahay ko sa Limay. Eh wala din naman akong choice. Biglang nasira din yung electric fan ko kaya kung hindi ko gagamitin yung aircon saksakan ng init sa bahay ko. Sabi ng kapitbahay at fellow Refiners Batch 12 member ko na si Mayor, naubusan daw ng oil yun kaya ayaw umikot. Actually hindi ko naintindihan yun. kaya hindi ko nalang din sya kinulet para magexplain.

Kahapon matapos kong magsend ng gm sa mga boys, naloka din ako sa gm na nareceive ko.

Ang init init daw sabi ni Prince Charming.

hmmmmp...

Honestly, natempt akong magreply ng...

*cue music from RENT!*

Live in my house, I'll be your shelter
Just pay me back with one thousand kisses
Be my lover... and I'll cover you...

Natempt talaga akong iinvite sya na saken nalang sya tumira may aircon. Shet! I sound like a desperate bitch! Pero syempre pinigilan ako ng common sense at syempre iniisip ko pa din na he hates me. Yun lang din naman ang reason kaya hindi ako naooverpower ng obsessive tendencies ko eh. Sama mo na din na sobrang tambak ang work kaya hindi ko din sya maaasikaso sa bahay if ever (Yes! housewife ang peg!).

Oh well for now, tapusin muna ang trabaho at intayin ang regularization. Sa susunod, I will ask him. And I wont take no for an answer.

I was in the middle of thinking of a way to solve this particular concern regarding the forms when I suddenly got thirsty. I took my water bottle, which was on top of the most cluttered desk (mine) in our section, and proceeded to get some H two O in the pantry.

I was filling her up when my inattentive eyes met a gaze of someone familiar. He was holding a box of some sort. Of course, since I wasn't really expecting anyone, I helped myself with some of that hydration liquid non-nonchalantly.

When I stepped out of the pantry, curiosity got ahead of me. My head turned left and to my surprise it was prince charming. Charming as always, I thought.

"Oh, diba off mo?", I said, obviously surprised.

"Hindi ah, first day namin, pang-umaga na kami ngayon. Last day ng off namin kahapon.", he replied smiling.

I paused for five seconds and processed the information that I just heard.

Yep! Day Off na ng Group 3. Tapos pang hapon ang Group 1. Kaya tama pang umaga na yung Group 4.

"Ay! Uu nga! Wahahahaha!", I said laughing.

"Kaw talaga...", he replied smiling.

With that I went back to our office. Feeling much less stressed. My afternoon thirst was quench by that short trip to the pantry.

Different people covet different things. Some want money. Others, fame and glory. Power for some. But for carefree people like me; I covet happiness.

It was a delight to see him that hot noon. I was on our Department's service car when my brain recognized his physique as we passed by the spot where he was standing. He was wearing casual clothes. His cellphone on his one hand, obviously texting, a bag on the other. His red shirt showcases his porcelain skin. His aviator shades completes his look. Ampogi.

Everyday, I am paranoid of the fact that he hates me. I know he hates me. But I am dumbstruck when he calls my name when the opportunity permits. Like when I passed by the sand court, or when I went to fill my water bottle and he was by the mail room. Haaaaaay.

I always imagine myself breaking down because of too much love for him. My obsessive tendencies surface with the thought of him. But the thought that I need to prove myself keeps me at bay and sane. I don't want to rush and be left broken again. I will make him recognize me. Though I am still uncertain if I have a chance, but I will the best I can to make him feel that I love him.

That is what I desire. His attention and affection.

My only... DESIDERATA...

Kagabi feel na feel ko yung pagkanta sa videoke ng Take a bow by Madonna...


Take a bow
by Madonna

Take a bow, the night is over
This masquerade is getting older
Light are low, the curtains down
There's no one here
[there's no one here, there's no one in the crowd]
Say your lines but do you feel them
Do you mean what you say when there's no one around [no one around]
Watching you, watching me, one lonely star
[one lonely star you don't know who you are]

Chorus:

Ive always been in love with you [always with you]
I guess you've always known it's true [you know it's true]
You took my love for granted, why oh why
The show is over, say good-bye

Say good-bye [bye bye], say good-bye

Make them laugh, it comes so easy
When you get to the part
Where you're breaking my heart [breaking my heart]
Hide behind your smile, all the world loves a clown
[just make em smile the whole world loves a clown]
Wish you well, I cannot stay
You deserve an award for the role that you played [role that you played]
No more masquerade, you're one lonely star
[one lonely star and you don't know who you are]

(chorus, repeat)

Say good-bye [bye bye], say good-bye

All the world is a stage [world is a stage]
And everyone has their part [has their part]
But how was I to know which way the storyd go
How was I to know you'd break
[youd break, you'd break, you'd break]
Youd break my heart

Ive always been in love with you
[Ive always been in love with you]
Guess youve always known
You took my love for granted, why oh why
The show is over, say good-bye

(chorus)

Say good-bye [bye bye], say good-bye
Say good-bye

Lalo na dun sa chorus, may pa pikit-pikit pang nalalaman.

♪♫♪...I've always been in love with you... ♫♪♫

♪♫♪...I guess you've always known it it's true... ♫♪♫

♪♫♪...You took my love for granted why, oh why... ♫♪♫

♪♫♪...The show is over say goodbye... ♫♪♫

♪♫♪...say... goodbye... ♫♪♫

Siguro ngayon andun palang ako sa take my love for granted. Wala pa akong balak mag-give up. Hindi ko pa rin naman inaamin face to face ang feelings ko sa kanya. Bahala na. Sabi nga ni Patrick Carlos, "I need to man up!"

Masasabi ko din kay White King na may feelings ang Black Queen sa kanya.

The tune of the Pippen song signaled that I received a new message. My heart started racing when his name appeared as the sender. I don't know. He always had that effect on me. Ever since the day that I read that particular message.

Ever since then, I knew I fell in love with him. I might have been dismissive of it at first, but I knew right then and there what I felt. It didn't need words to describe it. The simple *lub dub* * lub dub* everytime I'm near him; That unintentional shaking; That clumsy demeanor; The instant mood change when I look at him smiling; The insatiable need to impress him; The joy of just looking at him earnestly. Haaaaay!

*kabog* *kabog*

I was there at the place. I joined their drinking session with one of their seniors. I acted cool and absent-minded but amidst my obvious sleepiness for not having any sleep that day, my heart was pumping blood in overdrive. He was there. I know that slim build, though I only saw his back. I ate and drank my poison. Everyone was oblivious of the fact that I was fighting both fatigue and warmth due to the rapids known my circulatory system.

After his senior left, we began conversing about some things. I was dumbfounded, honestly. I did not expect that I will be communicating with him that night. All the while I thought he despises me. After everything I did, he has every right to be mad at me. We talked but not on personal issues but more on about work. I guess it was still too awkward to talk about personal and private things.

*kabog* *kabog* Every destined time that we meet at the corridor.

*kabog* *kabog* Every time he smiles.

*kabog* *kabog* Every time, in our chance meetings, he tells me what he's going to do.

*kabog* *kabog* Every time, I see him striving hard.

I will always be his fan.

Every beat of my beaten heart is in full support for him.

*sigh*

I exasperated a thousand sighs that night. I laid awake, covered by my new quilt, trying to fight the cold from inside and out of my body. Still thinking about you. If I should still give you a chance, or just let it go.

Honestly, I'm frustrated. I really want to give you a chance to tell me everything. But I don't have the opportunity and the right reason to openly address the concern to you. Aside from the obvious fact that we live in different work schedules, it will simply be too awkward to ask something that personal to you. I don't even know where I stand with you. Am I a friend? A partner in crime? or just a Colleague?

In case you didn't know, News Flash: I am in love with you. That's the reason why it kills me that you lied to me. It pains me that you didn't trust me with this. I think I would be the best person to be told of such things and I would be able to understand it completely without prejudice. But then again, you're probably scared and confused or you haven't completely understood yourself.

I shifted my gaze towards my blank pink wall. Image of your angelic face projects; smiling at me.

*sigh*

A thousand and one sighs.

I understand why you need to be strong. I fully understand why. But if you ask me, I'll help you. Remember when I told you that we are in this together? I hope you haven't forgotten about that. If you tell me, I'll protect you. If you want me to, I'll hold you tight and make sure that no person will hurt you. I will be strong for you. I will be strong for the two of us.

You don't need to be constantly be strong. I will share the burden with you. You don't need to be alone. I can accompany you.

*sigh*

I love you... You are always on my mind. Part of the storm in my Brain. I love you.

One whole day had passed since I found out about his lie.

He lied.

Yep.

But he still doesn't know that I know that he lied. He cannot deny it anymore. My instincts told me he is, the info I gathered second it, first hand evidences and analysis of events all adds up.

When he denied it, I doubted my ability to feel a person. I doubted my ability to read people's behavior. Hell. I doubted myself.

That's the reason why I felt enraged. He made me doubt myself. He may have not done it purposely but that's the end to his action. I was infuriated as well of the fact that when I thought I made a mistake, I felt guilty. And finding out that he in fact lied to me; that guilt was baseless.

But after spending a few hours wide awake, I thought I am being unfair to him. He probably puts up a brave face but in truth he is scared. He is probably confused too; Probably trying to be cautious of his next move.



That's why I think I should give him another chance. After all, he's a person that I loved. No. He is a person I am still in love with. Although this comes with an uncertainty, I don't know if he trust me enough to tell me the truth. Honestly I'm scared too. I will be broken if he lied to me again. But I will be brave. He deserves this chance, and at the very least, I gave him the chance to tell me everything...

Because of Personal reasons, the author will not continue this post anymore. Thank you!

---

Nakasitting pretty aketchang sa Bon Jovi habang nagflysung pa-PBR nang bigla shumulugog ang celphone-china ni atashi.

"Will? Nasa PBR ka na? Favor? Hehe", Ispluk ni President sa text text boom boomchi.

Nag-shout for joy ang puso ng dyosa! Nagtext text boom boomchi si Prince Charming! Hmmmp... Knowsing-chinabelles ng dyosang iteklaboom kung whysung nagtext text boomboomchi si Prince Charming, kaya mas mabilis pa baklang hinahabol ng saksak nagreply ang lola nyo:

"Print yung prayer mo?"

Kaming tuwabelles ang assigned sa Flag Ceremony (Wit bastos, literal neng!) na magprayer at mag-inspirational talk ng very pleasant Monday na yumagang yun.

"Yup. Kaso di ko pa natype. Hahaha.", rihanna ni President.

Habang read to the max ang drama ko sa text, shumulugog muli ang faithful cellphone kez. Niforward na ni Prince Charming yung prayer na made in Alangan nya.

"Okay. Kaw talaga. Sana kagabi mo pa binigay. Sus. Padating palang akong BRC.", ispluk ng dyosa.

"=P Akala ko magagawa ko pa kagabi ee. Haha.", rhirhi nya.

Nasa Bon Jovi pa akez ng may mahagip ang mga mata ni atashi. May I text muli ako kay Prince Charming:

"Bagong gupet! Mamimiss ko ang stressed rugged look mo. hihi!"

"Oh yeah. Hahaha.", juts nyang rhirhi

Pagka-Enter the Dragon palang sa office, mega madali sa pagtype sa prayer. Eksenang sekretaryang walang tingin tingin sa keyboard! Pak!

Malapet palang mafinish product ang pagtatype nang biglang nag-open sesame seeds ang Sam pinto. Si President! Kaloka!

Amen and Amen. FINISHED PRODUCT!!! Sakto!!!

"Tapos na Pres! Sakto ang dating mo!"

"Okay na?"

Jumosok na sya sa office nung mga oras na yun. TIME SPACE WARP! NGAYON DIN! Naging lokarette ang lola nyo nung mga oras na yun. Wit ko rin knowsing, masyado aketch clumsy pag malapet ako kay Prince Charming. Kabogella ang dibdib-china ni atashi.

"Okay naman yung spacing?", kamoteque ni Pres.

"Yep, inayos ko na din yung ibang errors."

Habang may eksenang moment na ganun kami ni Pres, bumukas-china ulet ung Sam Pinto, si Madam Kay.

Nawala ang dimensyon ni Fuuma Ley-Ar at nahimasmasan ang dyosa.

"Madam, magprint po ako ng isa ah. Print ko lang yung prayer ni President. ahihihi!". yes yes mga kabogella, may halong giggle itu.

Nag-givesung naman ng go signal si Madam kaya niprint ko na agad yung prayer. Habang hotacious pa nga yung papel sa printer, kinuha kez agad at may I half the paper. Tapos nistapler ko dun sa cardboard na ginamit ni atashi nung nag host-china akez nung bday ni FPY.

"Kahit wag na, may podium naman", ispluk nya.

"Okay lang yan, minsan lang yan eh."

Tapos nun, magflysung na sya sa Training room para ibaba yung bag nya. Si atashi naman, nasalubong si Maam Cecil habang rumarampage sa hallway.

"Oh, andyan ka na pala. Kilala mo ba tong mag opening prayer?"

Ay nakez Mudak! Wit lang knowsing! Lokang loka ako sa kanya!

"Opo, nilapag lang po nya yug bag nya sa training room."

Jumosok ulet si atashi sa office. Wit na si Madam Kay. Baka nag-CR. Lalabas na akey ulet ng office nang jumosok naman si JC. Ask-china mez kung join force sya sa flag ceremony. Wit daw. Kaya nag bonggang project runway nalang aketch papuntang lobby.

Sa dulo ng catwwalk, nasightsung ko naman si Ate Nymps, mega ask-china din ako kung jojoinsung sya sa flag ceremony.

"Baket?", tanongchi ni Ateng.

"Uhhhmmm... kami kasi ni Pres ung assigned today eh..." rhirhi ni mez with matching pacute voice.

Nagflysung na sa ofis si Ateng Nymps. Wit ko na naheardung yung rhirhi nya kasi The Calling na kami ni Ma'am Cecil.

*lub dub* *lub dub*

Gosh! Kabogella ang puso kez!

Nag-aassemble na ang mga utawchi sa facade ng Admin Building. Mega ayos na din samin si Ma'am Cecil at mega ispluk na magread set go na kami.

*lub dub* *lub dub*

*lub dub* *lub dub*

*lub dub* *lub dub*

Haaay!!! Tootsie Gueverra much!

*lub dub* *lub dub*

*lub dub* *lub dub*

Bonggang Tootsie talaga akez!

*lub dub* *lub dub*

*lub dub* *lub dub*

PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!

*lub dub* *lub dub*

Show time na!

Nagmove forward sa podium si Prince Charming...

Huminga sya ng malalim at startsung ang prayer:

"Father God, we come before Your throne where we can find grace & mercy to give You glory, praise, & thank You for all Your goodness & kindness.

We thank You for all the blessings You've bestowed upon us. For waking us up today.Forgive us all our shortcomings. Forgive us for our sins as we forgive those who sin upon us.

Be upon this day, help us, guide us & with Your knowledge & wisdom in us, we know that everything we will do brings success and victory.

In Jesus' name we pray and claim. Oh Holy Spirit do take over.

Amen and Amen."

Ang lola nyo mukhang tanga, nakangiti ng bongga. Megang mega smile! Wala lang! Proudchina akez kasi narecognize si Pres.

Pumila sya sa likodchinimels ng aming batchmates. Fumorward na si Ma'am Cecil. National Anthem naman at Panunumpa sa watawat.

??? Bayang Magiliw... ???

At bengga! May introduction pa ang beauty ko!

"Sigurado ako kilala nyo na ang speaker natin ngayon. Dahil nakita natin sya, at ang galing galing nyang maghost. From Training Department..."

At kumatwalk ang dyosa pa podium...

Today...

I learned that I shouldn't be guilty. What came from my mouth was the truth. It may have been unnecessary to divulge the information to other people, but at the end of the day it was the truth.

Today...

I will stand up and face the world. I need not feel ashamed. The truth destroys relationships; that is a fact. But I'd rather be truthful than hide behind a veil of deceit.

Today...

I am a new person. Free from guilt. Free from sadness.

Today...

You will just be a memory: of the things I aspire the person I want to be with; of the person I longed for; of the person I loved in this short burst of time.

Today...

the feeling is extinguished. Quenched by knowledge of the truth.

Today...

I learned.

Today...

is a significant day because...

Today...

I learned that you...

Lied to Me...

A night has passed after I lost him. Once more, a glimpse of glimmer from my eyes can be seen. Subtle light from the kitchen enters my room. Illuminating the rivers of sadness that are being pulled by gravity.

I hugged my pillow and cried some more. A silent witness to my present forlorn. It was after seeing his picture in my laptop that gave me that disdain feeling. I mustered the courage to look at his picture. He is wearing sando showing his skinny physique coupled with an awkward look on his face, an obvious stolen shot from his housemates. A plate of rice smothered with dinuguan in the foreground with his face illuminated by the morning light from the jalousie window.

I miss him.

That was the only thing in my mind. No, I don't miss his presence. But instead, I miss the feeling that everything I do is for him. I miss that gratifying feeling of accomplishment in my tasks because he will never be proud of me.

I wetted the keyboard with that thought.

Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!

Realization: I lost him though he was never mine.