It's already October. On the 16th of this month, I will be just a month away before my 1st year anniversary with my current employer. I will then need to decide if I want to stay with the company or not. I have 1 year to think about it come my 1st year anniversary.

I can say my work is perfect for me. Just like what my good friend, Albert, told me. My skill set fits the mold of the position I have right now. Even the so called "special projects" are well suited in my skills repertoire. But despite the almost tailored carcass that is my designation, the amount of stress level and work ethic really gets to me.

I guess teamwork is not a common practice in our office. Everything is just on assignment. Everyone is assigned a specific task and they will revolve around that task without a care for others. But then again, maybe because it was simply a consensus between the members of our section. Since we have no real authoritative figure within our office, we were contented with the set-up. Even though, we were given this authoritative figure a few months ago, we were adamant with the status quo since it was system that was really working out for us.

I guess I just miss the thrill of having a team. Although everyone has their own role to play, everything comes together because we help each other. No one is left to do their own work because there will always be someone who will be willing to help them. Someone is in charge while doing the same work with the others. This was the case of CSC '08-'09, the year when student-leadership was the most fulfilling. The spirit of camaraderie and teamwork really goes beyond political affiliation.

Then we have the indefensible stress, that comes out from whimsical decisions rather than logical reasons. Just to give a pop culture reference to this, it's just like what Heidi Klum says, "One day your in and the next day your out". That's how erratic decisions in our section are. One day this is it, and the next day it will be this. I understand that there will always be stress at work, but I am defining this indefensible stress because it is just additional burden that should not have been there but exists because of erratic decisions. One such example is the one in my previous post. I was assigned to spearhead a project that I have no prior experience in organizing. It will be the end of me. I tell you. THE. END. OF. ME.

And finally we have the bossy co-workers. I will turn a blind eye if the person is a tier above me, but we are in positions of the same level. Seniority does not excuse someone to behave with proper etiquette and good manners. Saying Please and Thank you would be enough, also a proper tone of voice when asking for a favor.

I recently had a chat with a former officemate; she's been blooming ever since she got out of the hell hole called our office. And we have the same brain wavelength to conclude that "You can never understand how stressful it is in that office unless you're in it." Good for her and I'm happy for her.

Well, I can rant all I want but then again, the job is not half bad. Though I guess I lack the training required to do some of the requirements of my job. That's why they can never utilize my full potential without these trainings. I took the job because I thought I will be fulfilled. Not the lucrative pay nor the fame of working in that particular industry. Once my fulfillment cannot offset the poor work ethics or I hit my boiling point due to stress...

I'M DONE...

But that's a year from now.

The day of the election is quick on its feet. With less than two (2) weeks away, the political climate here in my domicile is as filthy as the last trash slide in Smokey Mountain; and there is no sign that it will be cleaner anytime soon.

Power, Privilege, and Justice. It seems that most (if not all) the candidates in the local elections in my place of birth are after those three things. Well, these three things are not inherently evil. But these once used lavishly, carelessly, and selfishly, is a recipe for disaster and ruin. Just like what the two people running for the Mayoral Race in my lupang tinubuan. Evidently, a story of ruined friendship and relationship.

Joseph Ejercito Estrada and Alfredo Lim, former friends and political allies, now political enemies and rivals, are both running as the top man of our City. At first, I found it amusing that these two grown men are barking each other like wild lions marking their territory. But as I moved on to the initial shock and amusement, and these childish men are still at it, I exasperate that one of these bicker boys will seat as the leader of our city.

For the record, I will vote Mayor Lim. Though, we do have our strong difference of opinions on many matters such as: his selfish remark that Patriotism is dying in the Motherland because of the ROTC was made not compulsory for male college students; shutting down the Baywalk establiments since it provides high income for the City among other things. But we coincided on the long standing issue regarding the Oil Depots in Pandacan. If you would recall, he is very instrumental why the Oil Depots can still operate in Pandacan, because he signed the Ordinance that repealed an earlier local law that converts that particular area in Pandacan to a Mixed Commercial/Industrial Zone. Plus he vetoed succeeding ordinances that aims to remove the Oil Depots in their place.

This is a strong testament that the Depots are not going anywhere if Mayor Lim wins the seat for the third term. I would like to maintain that status quo. Though I know that it is just temporary since it will only last for three years. I'll just cross the bridge when the time is up.

Lately, I am flabbergasted with the news of throwing disqualification cases like a tennis rally. There are better things to do than watch and read fetal minded adults. I am much more irritated with the Estradas filing a disqualification case for Lim coupled with snarky uneducated comments. HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!! ala Sen. Miriam. In my point of view, it's just a juvenile attempt at intimidation. I mean, the man is a former Police General. C'mon! You need to do better than that! The man already ran against Estrada in the 1998 Presidential elections; he even won as Senator prior to becoming Manila Mayor again. kabobohan!

In other news, rivals in the position of Representative for the 1st district of Manila are my Godfathers. They are Ernesto "Erning" Dionisio and Ferdinand "Ding" Diaz, my Godfathers when I was baptized as a baby. Well, Ninong Dionisio formerly served as Councilman, and then was succeeded by my Godbrother Ernix Dionisio, a re-electionist. Ninong Dionisio already ran as Congressman prior to being a Councilor, but the position was far from his reach. Ninong Ding, on the other hand, is running for the second time for the same position. But when he 1st ran during the Presidential elections, he was not at all visible. Let us see if second time's the charm for him because I believe he has more machinery now.

I think I will abstain on this one.

For the councilors, I will not vote for any UNA candidates with exemption for my Godbrother Ernix Dionisio. I am positive that he did not vote to remove the Oil Depots in Pandacan. I am well aware that most of the UNA bets are PRO Oil Depot alis. The epitome of that is Atty Jong Isip who is running in the 3rd district is under the UNA ticket. Isip, the spokesperson of the authors of the Ordinance that converts that area of Pandacan to Mixed Commercial Zone, is enough reason why I can say for certain that most of the UNA bets would make moves to remove the Oil Depots.

Vice Mayor? Lou Veloso. I am saddened and disgusted how my former idol Vice Mayor Isko Moreno transformed to the power hungry insincere politician he is now. Though I don't have first hand experience on this, but being my father is also saddened by his experiences with this mud slinging, power tripping politician, he is off my list.

Today I learned that the President of the Manila Barangay Bureau and the President of the Sangguniang Kabataan are ex officio members of the City Council of Manila. What good does a less than 18 year old add to a room chalk full of adults? Haaaay Manila.

I love our city. I love our district. But the people in power should change for the betterment of our city's role to the society. I just hope that this coming election will be free from fraud. And may this be the first step for Manila's progress.

One whole day had passed since I found out about his lie.

He lied.

Yep.

But he still doesn't know that I know that he lied. He cannot deny it anymore. My instincts told me he is, the info I gathered second it, first hand evidences and analysis of events all adds up.

When he denied it, I doubted my ability to feel a person. I doubted my ability to read people's behavior. Hell. I doubted myself.

That's the reason why I felt enraged. He made me doubt myself. He may have not done it purposely but that's the end to his action. I was infuriated as well of the fact that when I thought I made a mistake, I felt guilty. And finding out that he in fact lied to me; that guilt was baseless.

But after spending a few hours wide awake, I thought I am being unfair to him. He probably puts up a brave face but in truth he is scared. He is probably confused too; Probably trying to be cautious of his next move.



That's why I think I should give him another chance. After all, he's a person that I loved. No. He is a person I am still in love with. Although this comes with an uncertainty, I don't know if he trust me enough to tell me the truth. Honestly I'm scared too. I will be broken if he lied to me again. But I will be brave. He deserves this chance, and at the very least, I gave him the chance to tell me everything...

Ang pinakamahirap talagang laban lagi, ay yung laban sa loob ng isang tao. Buti nalang nung bata ako eh hindi ako nagkaron ng identity crisis. Alam ko na sa simula na dyosa ako. Pero ngayon, ang hirap hirap ng laban na kinakaharap ko. Katulad nga ng sabi ko sa last post ko, torn ako sa dalawang personalities ko. Hanggang ngayon naglalaban pa din sila. Bigyan ko kayo ng script para mas maintindihan nyo. Si Betong yun benevolent side ko, si Wilbert naman yung malevolent. So here goes:

Betong: Mahal na mahal ko sya... Huhuhu!!!
Wilbert: Leche ka! Anung iniiyak iyak mo dyan! Dapat magalit ka sa hayop na yun! Iniwan ka nya sa ere ng walang dahilan!
Betong: Siguro may dahilan naman... Hindi pa lang nya masabi... Gusto ko syang intindihin... Bigyan nya lang ako ng explanation, masaya nako...
Wilbert: Punyeta! Kahit na magexplain pa sya, it won't erase the fact that he's a deserter! Pagkatapos ka nya gawing masaya, iniwan ka nalang basta basta kasi ayaw na nya! Tapos ka na sa pagiging flavor of the month mo! Kaya gumising ka hoy!
Betong: Basta mahal ko sya! Hindi ko maexplain pero mahal na mahal ko sya!
Wilbert: Mahal mo nga sya, pero mahal ka ba nya? Kung mahal ka nya kahit bilang kaibigan lang, siguro naman mapagbibigyan nya yung isang text ano?
Betong: Kagabi magkachat kami, siguro naman that means something...
Wilbert: You're pathetic! Ikaw ang nagsimula ng conversation hindi sya! Kung talagang mahalaga ka sa kanya, dapat kahit hindi mo itanong, bibigay nya yung explanation na hinihingi mo! Hindi naman sya bobo para hindi malaman yun. He owes that much to you!
Betong: Kung igigive up ko sya ng ganun kadali, hindi ko matutupad yung pangako ko sa kanya na hindi ko sya iiwan.
Wilbert: Tanga ka ba? Ikaw ang iniwan nya! Di ba sinabi mo din sa kanya na pag nireject ka pa nya kahit isang beses lang iiwan mo sya? Nakalimang rejection ka na! isang linggo lang yun! Anu pang iniintay mo? Iwanan mo na yang lalaking yan!

Sa huli, hindi pa din nagpapatinag si Betong sa pag ka stubborn nya. Haaay! Honestly, gusto ko nalang talaga patayin si Betong, kasi kung hindi sya naghohold on, edi sana hindi nako nakakaramdam ng sakit sa puso ko ngayon. Pero stubborn kasi talaga ako, gustong gusto ko din malaman yung mga sagot sa mga tanong ko. Alam ko hindi sya masamang tao, alam ko may explanation sya. Ang hirap lang, kasi pinapatagal pa nya yung mga bagay na pwede naman gawin ng isang iglap. Sometimes, the direct approach is better.

Meron syang ginawang bagay na talagang labis na kinakagalit ng kalooban ko, pero haaay Betong, bakit ba kasi ang bait bait mo!? Nakakainis ka nah!

Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet!!! Baliw na ata ako, I'm talking to myself. Kaen na nga lang ako ng mashed avocado pampakalma....



haaay.... FUCK THIS AMBIVALENCE!!!