Last Saturday, April 22, 'he' left. He came equipped with a myriad of reasons why it would be better for us to part ways. None of which makes sense to me. But as I mentioned to him in my text the night before, I will respect whatever he said. But that doesn't mean he's right. I choose not to divulge them here as to protect his privacy, but judging from the feedback of my friends... It's one huge BULLCRAP!

But scene from that day keeps reiterating in my mind... The setting in which I consider our last goodbye...



Timelimit
by Wilter von Phar

Alas dos ng hapon sa highway
sa ilalim ng katirikan ng haring araw
Mainit ang buga ng hangin galing hilaga
Di katulad ng pakiramdam ko nung oras na yun

Nakatayo tayong dalawa sa lilim ng maliit na puno
Nakamasid sa mga paparating na sasakyan
Naghihintay ng bus na maghahatid saken
Papalayo sa lugar na yon...
sa iyo...

Lumingon ako sa direkyon mo
Pinagmasdan sa huling pagkakataon ang kabuuan mo
Mula ulo hanggang sa lupa
Kinikilatis ang bulto mo
kinakabisado ang bawat alon ng iyong bisig
ang buhok mong binati kong hindi bagay sayo
ang mukha mong nakangiti
ang tshirt mong kulay asul na plain
ang dibdib mong humuhulma sa iyong kisig
ang pantalon mong butas na lagi mong suot
ang bag mong itim na kakulay ng dilim

Napansin mo akong nakatitig sayo
Tinanong mo kung bakit ko ginagawa yon
Iyon na siguro ang huling beses na tatanungin mo ako nun
Lagi kitang tinititigan at pinagmamasdan
ang lagi kong tugon sa tanong mo na iyon ay, "Wala."
Pero sa araw na yun, buong tapang akong tumugon sayo ng:
"Ito na ang huling beses na makikita kita...
Gusto ko lang ng imahe sa utak ko na maalala kita..."

At may nagpakitang paparating na bus
Malapit na matapos ang huling tagpo nating dalawa
Lumingon muli ako sa iyong direksyon
Gamit ang mga mata kong malungkot
Yumakap ako sayo katulad ng pagyakap ko sayo nung huli
Sapagkat sa pagkakatong ito, ito na nga ang huli
Kaya sa huling beses na ito, niyakap kita ng mas mahigpit pa
At bumulong ako sayo ng marahan...
"Super Love you" katulad ng lagi kong sinasabi sayo
at "Sorry", sabay sa pag-agos ng mga luha ko...

Bumitaw tayo sa pagkayapos sa isat isa
ngunit nakahawak pa din ako sa iyong braso
Inabot mo gamit ang kabilang kamay ang mga dala ko..
Inabot ko iyon na para bang mas lalo itong bumigat
Marahil dumagdag na duon ang lahat ng pagmamahal ko sayo
Binubuhat ko na din sya sapagkat tinanggihan mo na itong tanggapin

Sinimulan ko ang pagtapak ng aking paa
isang mabigat na hakbang patungo sa naghihintay na bus
Nagkaron na ng distansya ang ating mga katawan
Ngunit patuloy pa din akong nakahawak sa iyong braso
Tumuloy ang isa pang hakbang
at lumuwag na ang pagkakahawak ko sa braso mo
Isa pang muli at bumaba na ang kamay ko sa iyong pulso
isa pang hakbang at matatapos na ang ating huling tagpo
Natira nalang ay dalawang daliri na pakurot na pilit na kumakapit
Ayaw bumitaw sa iyo
At muli, isang hakbang pa, at tuluyan ng nawala ang koneksyon nating dalawa
Di na maramdaman ng balat ko ang init ng iyong balat
Putol na ang ugnayan nating dalawa
"Wala na", yun ang tugon mo kanina
Wala na nga ito.
Wala na tayong kinalaman sa isa't isa
tapos na ang istorya
Isasara na pintuan

Duon na bumalot ang lamig sa aking balat
di na kita nilingon
di na kita inalala pa
Umupo ako sa likod ng bus
Tumingin sa kawalan
Sumakay na sa biyaheng palayo sayo...

A night has passed after I lost him. Once more, a glimpse of glimmer from my eyes can be seen. Subtle light from the kitchen enters my room. Illuminating the rivers of sadness that are being pulled by gravity.

I hugged my pillow and cried some more. A silent witness to my present forlorn. It was after seeing his picture in my laptop that gave me that disdain feeling. I mustered the courage to look at his picture. He is wearing sando showing his skinny physique coupled with an awkward look on his face, an obvious stolen shot from his housemates. A plate of rice smothered with dinuguan in the foreground with his face illuminated by the morning light from the jalousie window.

I miss him.

That was the only thing in my mind. No, I don't miss his presence. But instead, I miss the feeling that everything I do is for him. I miss that gratifying feeling of accomplishment in my tasks because he will never be proud of me.

I wetted the keyboard with that thought.

Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!

Realization: I lost him though he was never mine.

There was a day last week that I felt really vulnerable. Yun ang dahilan kung bakit nagsurface yung mga repressed feelings na tinatago ko sa puso ko. Ngayon palang kasi talaga ako nagkakaron ng time to really face head on etong issue na to ng buhay ko. Ngayon palang kasi nagsloslow down yung pace ng buhay ko. Honestly, I cried. Again. I was overwhelmed by this pure melancholic feeling. It really seems that part of me still really loves him. Well, yeah, I still love him. No matter how stupid it may sound, I still love him.

I have all the reason in the world to hate him to the core. He’s a lying bastard, a predator in sheep’s clothing, and an effing coward. Not to mention, hazy (Malabo). Simply put, he’s everything that I hate in this world. But it seems every time that I get mad at him, it’s just a phase. Because despite not knowing the real reason behind his course of action against me, after a few days, I feel like I can welcome him again. Ngayon ako na yung nagiging malabo. Hindi ko din maintindihan eh. Mahal na mahal ko lang talaga sya. Kaya hanggang ngayon iniisip ko pa din sya.

Tanggap ko na sa sarili ko na hindi na magiging kami kahit kailan. Sa part na yan, positive nako dyan. There is no doubt in my mind na yan na yung totoo. Kahit papano dyan sa realization na yan masasabi kong nakamove on ako kahit konti. Siguro ang kailangan ko lang talaga para tuluyan na mabitawan ko sya, ay yung tunay na reason kung bakit nagbago yung perception nya sa pagmamahal nya saken. Hindi ako maniniwala na overnight lang nyang napagtanto na hindi nya talaga ako minahal. Kasi positive ako na interesado sya na move on kami to next level sa relationship namin. Inaaya nya akong magkita kami. Yung isa nga biglaan pa, sabi pa nya minsan mas magandang hindi pinaplano ang lahat. He bought me John Grisham Books. Inangkin nya ako. And of course, he told me he loves me very much.

Actually, ngayon ko lang nararamdaman yung panghihinayang na wala kaming picture na magkasama kami. Sana kahit papano, I have something physical to remind myself that we were happy even for a short time. Hindi ko rin sya nayakap, nahalikan, nacuddle, at nakasex. Isa lang yung nagawa ko to non-verbally express that he is important to me. Pinatong ko yung ulo ko sa balikat nya. Dahil nung gabing yun, pagod na pagod ako. At gusto kong maramdaman nya na kelangan ko sya. At sa kanya lang ako. Yung gabing yun ang nagsabi sakin na mahal na mahal na mahal ko sya. Yung gabing yun yung huling beses na nakatabi ko sya ng matagal. Dahil ung gabing yun ang huli naming pagkikita.

Gusto ko lang talaga malaman yung dahilan sa mga biglaang pagbabago. At sana bago ako mawala sa mundong ito masabi nya saken ang totoong dahilan. Nang sa ganun, mapatawad ko naman sya ng bukal sa puso ko. Hindi ko na sya huhusgahan pa sa kung anung dahilan ang sasabihin nya lang sakin ay totoo. Yun lang naman ang hinihiling ko eh. Katotohanan.

Naku paxenxa na at puro about sa kabiguan ng lovelife ko ang topic ko lately. Dahil nga nagkasakit ako ng isang linggo, wala akong ginawa kundi humilata, manuod ng DVD, at mag-isip. Isa yung nangyari samin ni monster sa mga napag-iisipan ko. Tsaka kung ano na yung gusto ko ngayon sa isang relationship at sa ideal guy ko.

Sinabi ko na ng ilang beses na para sakin talaga, nung makilala ko si monster, sya yung ideal guy ko. Wala nakong hihingin pang iba basta mahal nya lang ako. Pero dahil sa mga pagbabago sa mga pakikitungo nya, nasira nang lahat. Hanggang ngayon hindi ko pa din alam yung dahilan sa pagbabagong yun. Anyway, masyadong depressing ang topic na yan, move on tayo sa topics na gusto ko talagang i-share. Wihihi!

Charmed Power
So sabi ko nga, wala akong ginawa kundi manuod ng DVD. Sama mo na yung mga anime na nidownload ng mga friends ko na kinopya ko. So megang megang marathon ang drama ko. Kelan lang din kasi bumili ako ng Original season 4 DVD set ng Charmed. So kamusta naman ang marathon ko, tinapos ko lang ng isang araw. Wahahahha! Sa panunuod ko ulet ng aking favourite show, nakarelate ako dun sa isang character. Well apart sa pinakagusto yung power nya, ibang level din kasi talaga ang galing nya.


The Seer

Nakarelate ako kay The Seer played by Debbi Morgan. Well bukod sa fact na I always relate with the evil side, nakakarelate ako talaga sa character itself. The Seer acts as an adviser to The Source of all evil (the most powerful Demon and the leader of the Evil forces in the Charmed world). She’s qualified kasi ang power nya ay to see the future. Kaya nabibigyan nya ng warning si The Source sa mga threats and advices naman kung anung mga dapat gawin. May attitude din tong si The Seer (like me!), may initiative sya to do things on her own even at the back of The Source, all for the glory of The Source that she’s serving. (Yung the Source kasi title lang yun, kaya pwedeng mapalitan)

Hmmmp… relate na relate ako sa kanya. She’s instinctive and wise. Very loyal and authoritative. But she knows where her authority ends. She’s doing everything in her power for the greatness of The Source. Ganun din ako. Call me a slave, pero ganun ako magmahal eh. Kahit na hindi marecognize ang shine ko, basta yung mahal ko will be okay. I’ll help him shine to his greatness. Because behind a very great man, is a very loving dyosa. Naks!

The Secretary fetish
I can say that there are only two people in this world whom I became a devoted secretary. And up until now, I am still loyal to both of them. They are none other than Papa Jarry and Bunso. Yep, they were my former bosses in the Student Council. I love them. Kaya minsan nga kahit hindi ko na trabaho ginagawa ko pa din, all for the glory of their respective offices.

Dahil sa naexperience ko maging secretary for two years, ewan ko, parang ok na din sakin kahit secretarial job yung ibigay saken. Pwede akong technical secretary, such as an engineer’s secretary. Masaya kasi ako pag nakakatulong ako eh. Bukod pa dun, fit na fit saken yan kasi multi-tasker ako. Nasanay nung college na maraming ginagawa kaya ngayon nabobore pag walang ginagawa. Wahahahahah!


Ren Mikihara

Pumasok sa usapan yang secretary kasi nanuod din ako ng Full Metal Panic Fumoffu. Nakarelate ako dun sa Student Council Secretary na si Mikihara. May romantic relationship kasi sila nung Student Council President eh. Well sort of. Tapos super duper loyal dun sa President, lagi syang nasa right hand side sa likod nung president. Lagi syang ready to help para sa president. Haaaay! So like me!

Knight in Shining Armor

Sousuke Sagara

Sa Full Metal Panic pa din, inggit na inggit ako kay Chidori. Meron syang Sousuke na laging andyan para alagaan sya. Although syempre kulang sa “real world” sense tong si Sousuke pero he’s very dependable naman in terms of his expertise. Iba din kasi yung may taong handang protektahan ka at alagaan ka. Favorite ko na yung episode 3 ng Fumoffu, yun yung pumunta sila sa beach. Tapos akala ni Sousuke na nakidnap si Chidori at “tinotorture”. Biruin mo, natalo nya ang tatlong French Army warriors para lang iligtas si Chidori. Haaaay! Kakainggit!

Nablog ko na din to before pero since nasa topic ikwento ko na din ulet. Gusto kong magkaron ng sarli kong Gilford:


Gilford

Si Gilford ay ang loyal knight ni Princess Cornelia mula sa anime na Code Geass. Super loyal sya sa kanyang prinsesa na kahit pa wala physically si Cornelia, all he does is in the name of his Princess. Haaaay! Kakainggit!

My dream
Pangarap kong makilala yung knight ko na magiging loyal saken. Yung proprotektahan ako, at mamamahalin. At in return, mamamahalin ko rin sya at magiging loyal sa kanya. Ako ang magiging pinakamagaling na secretary sa buhay nya. Gagawin ko lahat para lang maging maayos sya sa professional at personal life nya. Dahil ganun ako magmahal, ibinibigay ko lahat. Hindi ko nga lang alam kung gano katagal ako ulet maghihintay. Pero kung matagal man, sana yung totoo nah, wag nang fake katulad nung nangyari nung nakaraan. Baka mabaliw nako ng tuluyan eh! Hihi!

Pag nagsesend ako ng email, matapos lumabas ang message sent prompt, pumupunta pa ako sa sent folder para icheck kung talagang nasend talaga yung message. As usual, may nahagip nanaman ang mata ko na isang email address. Nacurious ako kung anong sinend ko sa monster na yun kaya niclick ko yung link.



Natawa nalang ako. Natawa ako at napangiti. Wala pa akong kamalay malay neto na hindi pala nya ako mahal. Basta ginawa ko lang yung sa tingin ko ay tama nung time na yun. Obvious naman sa message ko na mahal na mahal ko sya. Pero hindi ako malungkot. I let him go, not because he left me, but because I need to do it for myself. Kaya kahit may kirot sa puso ko, ultimately it was for my sake. At masaya ako ngayon kasi nakakabangon ako ng wala nang dapat pang isipin pah. =D

Nag-aayos ako ng ilang files sa mail ko nang matambad yng mata ko sa isang folder. Gel. Nanigas ako sa kinauupuan ko. Nanginig bigla yung kamay ko na may hawak ng mouse at may kirot akong naramdaman sa puso ko. I gathered myself at nagclick ng isang file. Napaluha ako sa nabasa ko.

Angel:	nakakain na ako nagpasabay sa delivery ng food may retreat kami sa baguio on may 25-27 ang bilis hehehehehe
Whil	sa oath taking ko... =( pero at least makilala mo n yung mga co teachers mo. =D
Angel	yun nga din naisip ko eh walang uwian need eh required kami umattend lalo ako bagong teacher asarrr di ako makakapunta sa oath mo

Gustong gusto ko sya nun pumunta sa Oathtaking ko bilang isang Chemical Engineer. Kahit pa magexpense ako para sa isa pang ticket basta gusto ko andun sya. Pero sadyang hindi sya pinayagan kasi may official trip sya sa araw ng Oathtaking ko. Nanghihinayang man ako kasi wala sya sa isa sa pinakamahalagang araw ng buhay ko, alam ko rin kasi na para sa trabaho nya yun kaya hindi sya makakapunta. Ang date ng Oath taking ko ay isang buwan matapos nyang bumalik ulet sa buhay ko. Alam kong mabilis pero gusto ko talaga sanang andun sya. It's like my big gesture to show him how important he is to me. Siguro it will mean a lot to me kung yung taong tinatangi ko yung unang magsasabi saken ng "Congratulations Engr. Whil". Pangarap nalang yun. Dahil huli na. Tapos na. Lahat ay tapos nah.
At ngayon na nawala na sya ng tuluyan. Wala na akong choice kundi tanggapin nalang na lahat ng nangyari samin ay nakaraan na. They are nothing more but memories. Memories na bumuo ng pagkatao ko. Memories na ngayon ay unti-unti ko nang binibitawan. Dahil sa huli...

Mas masaya na syang wala ako...

Kagabi, pinanuod ko ulet yung favorite episode ko ng anime series na Clannad. Coincidentally, yun din yung last episode ng series. Ang Clannad kasi more on love story sya. Kaya talagang pang girl talaga yung anime na to. Hindi ko lang alam kung bakit lahat ng friends kong boys eh gustong gusto din yan. Mga romantics kasi siguro! Wihi!!!

Eto ang synopsis ng episode na yan courtesy of Wiki:

Tomoyo is secretly going out with Tomoya. Tomoyo's relationship with Tomoya spreads fast in school, the school bodies try to separate Tomoyo and Tomoya, in hope Tomoyo will concentrate more in her position. With Tomoya worrying about his delinquent status will hold down Tomoyo, Tomoya reluctantly breaks up with Tomoyo. After several months, Tomoyo meets up with Tomoya, telling him that she successfully saved the cherry blossom trees from being cut down but she lost something in return: her time with Tomoya. She then confesses to Tomoya that she wants only him and will follow him to the odd ends. Tomoya is touched by her words and decides to resume being lovers.

Naiyak ako ulet. Feeling ko kasi ako si Tomoyo (yung girl, see the girl above). I lost something. I lost part of me. At kahit na mas maayos yung set-up nung nagbreak sila, si Tomoya pa din yung inaalala nya. Wala syang ginawa kundi magmasid lang. Kaso I'm not strong like her. Strong enough na magawa yun. Ang magmasid lang. Hindi ko kaya. Pero ako, just like what she did, kakalimutan ko kung gaano ako kagaling para lang makasama ang pinakamamahal ko. Hindi ko kailangan lahat ng awards or academic excellence. Basta kasama ko lang sya. Naiyak ako ng bonggang bongga nung nagyakapan sila sa snow! ROMANTIC EVERLEY!!!

Matapos ang nakakalokang iyakan. Winasak ng kantang ito ang puso ko.


Angels Cry
by Mariah Carey feat Ne-yo
Mariah:
I shouldn't have walked away
I would've stayed if you said
We could've made everything OK
But we just
Threw the blame back and forth
We treated love like a sport
The final blow hit so low
I'm still on the ground

I couldn't have prepared myself for this fall
Shattered in pieces curled on the floor
Super natural love conquers all
'Member we used to touch the sky
And

Lightning don't strike
The same place twice
When you and I said goodbye
I felt the angels cry
True love's a gift
We let it drift
In a storm
Every night
I feel the angels cry

C'mon babe can't our love be revived
Bring it back and we gon' make it right
I'm on the edge just tryin' to survive
As the angels cry

Ne-Yo:
I thought we'd be forever and always
You were serenity
You took away the bad days
Didn't always treat you right
But it was OK
I do somethin' stupid
And you still stay with me

But you can only go for so long
Doing the one you claim to love wrong
Before too much is enough
You look up
Find your love gone
And

We were so good together
How come we could not weather
This storm and just do better
Why did we say goodbye

'Cause lightning don't strike
The same place twice
When you and I said goodbye
I felt the angels cry
True love's a gift
We let it drift
http://www.elyricsworld.com/angel_cry_lyrics_mariah_carey_ft_ne-yo.html
In a storm
Now every night
I feel the angels cry

Mariah & Ne-Yo:
C'mon babe can't our love be revived
Bring it back and we gon' make it right
I'm on the edge just tryin' to survive
As the angels cry

Baby I'm missin' you
Don't allow love to lose
We gotta ride it through
I'm reaching for you

Baby I'm missin' you
Don't allow love to lose
We gotta ride it through
I'm reaching for you

Lightning don't strike
The same place twice
When you and I said goodbye
I felt the angels cry
True love's a gift
But we let it slip
In a storm
Every night
I feel the angels cry

Oh babe, the angels cry

Entelechy - A realization or actuality as opposed to a potentiality.

I know I know I know sapul!

sabi ng isip ko...


pero sabi ng picture sa wall ko...


kaya ngayon...


haaaay... hindi ko maintindihan...


kwento ko next time yung love story of the Circle and the Secant Line. Inspired sa kwento ng buhay ko.

Ganyan sana yung gusto kong maging relationship namin. Close Friends. Walang malice sa isa't isa. Pwede kaming maging intimate pero hindi oover. Yun bang walang pretentions. Hindi namin nijajudge yung isa't isa kung ano kami, o kung anu yung ginawa namin. Basta pag magkasama kami, alam namin na we can be ourselves. Our innocent and honest selves. Walang lokohan. Walang lihim. Just bare. But in a sudden twist of fate, nawala nalang bigla.

Personality shift
Syempre naman nasaktan ako. Sabihan ka ba naman ng I love you very much ng dalawang magkaibang instances. Kahit sa text lang yun, pero dahil tiwala ako kanya, naniwala akong totoo yun. At sa huli, binawi nya din yung mga sinabi nya. Hanggang friendship nalang yung maibibigay nya saken. Naiintindihan ko naman yun. Pero sana niexplain nya lang kung bakit pa nya ako sinabihan na I love you very much tapos bigla nalang mawawala. Napansin ko lang na sinabihan nya ako ng ILYVM after ko sya matulungan in some way. Must be his form of thank you.

Nawala lang naman yung closeness namin nung sinabi nyang super busy na sya. Siguro pride ko nalang yung nagdidictate saken na magalit. Pero hindi ako papadaig sa pride ko. Hindi ko lang mapigilang maisip kung san ba talaga kami nagkamali? Lokohan lang ba talaga yung nangyari? Pero bakit kaya nung nagsisimula palang sya sa bago nyang school, pag nagkakasabay kami magonline sa Facebook kahit na nasa school sya, sya yung nagiinitiate ng conversation namin? Bakit kaya nya ako pinasalubungan nung umuwi sya from Baguio? Bakit nya tinanong kung sino yung favorite author ko at binili nya ako ng dalawang book? Bakit sinabi nyang proprotektahan nya ako bilang White Knight ko? Bakit nya ako inangkin at sinabing "my Betong" kung hindi talaga yun yung nararamdaman nya? Bakit pa ba sya bumalik sa buhay ko kung sasaktan lang din nya pala ako?

Andaming questions pero sya lang makakasagot ng mga yan. Puro Bakit. Kasi wala talagang linaw sakin yung mga mixed signals nya. Kung bilang isang bisexual eh hindi sya naiinlove sa bading na katulad ko, sana hindi na lang nya sinimulan kung hindi rin pala sya sigurado. Nagkanda leche leche pa tuloy lahat. Naalala ko pa sinabi nya yung linya na "Kung kelan ko naman naisipang gawin yun, mukhang lalayo kana". With regards to "yun" hindi sya nagelaborate. Maayos naman yung simula, masaya naman, pero biglang nag 180.

Anyway, he's in the past now. Pero hindi ko parin tuluyang isasarado yung pinto ko sa kanya. Pero katulad nung sinasabi ng title ng blog post na ito, My heart is a closed system. Hindi ko na sya bibigyan ng piraso ng puso ko, pero pede ko pa syang bigyan ng emotions ko, whether good or bad emotions, depende na yun sa kanya. I'll just be vigilant nalang for his next move. May unfinished business pa kami kaya I know there would be a possibility na kontakin nya ako ulet. He may have won this battle, but the war is not yet over!

Feeling ko kilala ako ni Marcelo Santos III in real life! Swak na swak itong video story nya eh! Ganyan ako nagpakatanga sa kanya, lahat inintindi ko. In the end, binawi na rin nya lahat.

I was sitting upright on my bed. I put my cellphone down on my bed and poured myself another shot of vodka. I looked up towards my dark ceiling, and breathed deep. I told him, whispered by my eerie feeling. Yep. I told him. Must be the jolt of confidence from the 5 shots of vodka I drank before sending him that message.

I felt a mild tremor which signaled a text message. It was a question. A clarifying question. I immediately tapped in my reply message with a slight touch of ire. I helped myself with another shot of vodka while I await the message that I know that will make or break me.

One more tremor. The moment of truth. I drank the last half of the previous shot of vodka before I pressed the read button. As my eyes moved to read each words, my mind slowly realizes that what I thought of before was correct. My mind raced in satisfaction that I was correct, then I heard a crashing sound. Shattering to be exact. At first I thought it was the glass that I was holding, but I looked at my left hand and saw it there. I scrambled to see what was the source of that loud crash. I looked down on the floor, and saw something that made me realized that I lost something.



I stood up, walked towards the door. I stood there, just looking at the doorknob. Uncertain of what to do. I went back to my bed and sat down hugging my pillow. I replied a couple of times more before we finally stopped messaging each other.

I took my pillows and lay it on the opposite end of the bed. I laid on my bed, looking at the lone shiny star up in the star. I felt a trickle on my left cheek. Tears slowly making its way down, being pulled by gravity. There was no weeping. It's as if my eyes knew what to do in a time like that. Tears rolling down in regular intervals, like bullets fired from a gun.

I was correct. That everything was just wishful thinking. That everything is just on my mind. That my happiness before, although not fake, is simply make believe. That every insecurity that I have during that short story is warranted. That he came back for another reason, and not the reason that I had in mind.

I should've trusted my gut. It kept shouting to think otherwise but I still chose to chase this dream. I felt as though I had an opportunity to reach that star, but I ultimately failed. I already knew something was up when he was sending mixed signals. Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!!! Shit!

So there I was, spiraling downwards drowning in my own tears. Then everything stopped... *stillness* I stood up once more, and decided to have one last shot of vodka. I took it straight up and then returned the bottle to its proper receptacle. I turned towards the floor. Looking once more to the fragile heart that has been shattered again. I already know the drill, I started to painstakingly pick the pieces of my shattered heart one by one, piece by piece.

Slowly as well, I began to build the defenses that was turned down these passed days. Slowly rebuilding everything that was destroyed by my inability to stop and think.

After somehow that I was able to make myself emotionally stable, I laid again on my bed and thought, he did not do something wrong. I was the one who was wrong. He simply straightened out everything. I should be the one apologizing. It is not self-pity but simply the truth.

On my line of sight, I caught again vodka bottle that gave me the confidence to shatter my own dreams. I took it and gave myself another half full glass. And just like the last one, I had it straight up. I went back to bed and finally tasted this bitter after taste. The bitter taste of melancholy.

In the end, I learned one lesson from all this...

"Prince Charming only exist in fairytales"