Break my Heart Some More

It was my turn in the cashier line when I suddenly froze when I saw him.

I know he isn't who I think he is. Though he has the same slim build, he is taller. But I cannot deny that his eyes, shape of his face, his mannerism in speaking, and his smile all resemble...


It was at this point that Jason Dy's Break My Heart (Some More) played instinctively in my mind. I was looping it in Spotify earlier during my travel from San Fernando to Manila. Emotions associated with certain memories began to fill my heart. My heart grew heavy while I was waiting for my groceries to be scanned. Though my watery gates from my eyes have long been dried, those feelings of longing and deep passion are still as pure as the day I locked them inside of me.

I was waiting longer in line because the mustard jar that I bought was not yet included in the scanned items list. This gave me a chance to silently observe the person who reminded me of my forlorn past.

When I saw his name from his exposed ID, I grew even more tense. His name is [*insert initials here*] S. Bautista. Same Middle Initial, Same Surname. Just to check is they are really related, I checked the bagger boy's facebook profile. It was really not hard to find since he uses his real name. I was at first dumbstruck when I saw that he lives in Navotas. But it seems they are not Facebook friends.

I began to be haunted by the ghost of unanswered questions of my previous make-believe relationship.

Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?

I snapped out of my ghastly disilluions when finally the last product was finally scanned and paid for. He handed me my pack of groceries. I said thank you nonchalantly and walked away.

On my ride home, I realized that you don't really move on from this kind of separation. We didn't have proper closure . I cannot say that we broke up since we didn't really prosper into the relationship. Needless to say, he threw me away when I wasn't needed anymore. Without warning. Without any signs. He just left me...

I was trying to build a dream with him. It was a dream that we both share that's why I was excited. Or should I say, I was the more excited one. But in the end, he shattered it without even looking back at me.

Like I said, you don't really move on unless you have closure. You simply just get used to the pain and then try to stand up on your own while picking up the pieces of your heart. I came to the conclusion that his world is moving normally, why should mine stop? I stood up and here I am.

But now that these deeply buried emotions are out once more, let me just say that I still await for closure. If needed be, take a cue from Jason Dy...

"...break my heart some more so I can finally say goodbye..."

Break my heart with the truth and I will finally say goodbye...


Ghost in my heart

Napanaginipan na naman kita...

Nakatingin ka sakin. Nakangiti. Ang mukha mong mala-anghel ay may tuumutubo nang balbas. Infairness, bagay!

Nakasuot ka ng puti. Bagay na bagay sa kutis mong maputi rin.

Gwapo ka pa rin. Inaamin ko naman na yang mukhang yan ang unang bumihag saken. Yung mukhang inosente. Yung mukhang anghel. Yung mukhang nagpapatalon sa puso ko...


Nagising ako sa tunog ng alarm. Dumilat na ako pero nanatili pa ding nakahiga. Iniisip ko kung bakit ikaw yung napaginipan ko. Hindi naman kita iniisip. Marami akong trabaho at binabasa. Walang panahon para isipin kita.

Mahal pa ba kita? Yun nalang ang naiisip kong dahilan. Para saken imposible yun. Kasi nung nagdesisyon akong kalimutan na ang pagmamahal ko sayo, binigay ko na ito sa iba...

Naalala ko pa nung umiiyak ako sa taas ng burol habang umuuulan. Damang dama ko ang lamig habang umiiyak ako. Pero yun lang ang naisip kong paraan para hindi na masaktan at hindi na din ako makagulo sayo. Win-win diba?

Binigay ko na sa iba ang pagmamahal na dapat para sayo. Binigay ko lahat. Kaya sigurado ako, hindi kita mahal katulad ng pagmamahal ko sayo dati.

Pero hindi pa rin nasasagot ang tanong ko... Bakit ba kita napanaginipan?

Nakikita ko naman yung picture mo minsan, pero wala na ung lundag ng puso na nararamdaman ko dati. Wala yung pagnanais na makita ka talaga at makasama araw araw. Kaya ang laking misteryo kung bakit kita napanaginipan. Dahil wala naman akong nararamdaman sa twing nahahagip ng mga mata ko ang larawan mo.

Hindi na kita mahal. Pero bakit napanaginipan pa rin kita?