The other day I claimed my new rims in Quiapo. On a whim, I decided to just walk from our place to Quiapo and back so I have plenty of time to think about things that were bothering me; Particularly this dilemma that I was having.

Gob-stop Realization
When the schedule for GDC classes were rolled out completely last Sunday, I was dumbstruck with one timeslot for Alabang:

06:00pm - 07:00pm - Hiphop with Gelai
06:00pm - 07:00pm - Hiphop with Paul

My initial reaction was: "DAFUQ!? NASAN ANG HUSTISYA!?". We were already struggling with getting students to attend his class and then you'll have an MMS with the same class ON THE FUCKING SAME TIMESLOT.

I made a decision to go to Alabang right then and there. I knew there is a possibility that it will be cancelled due to lack of students if I don't add myself to the list.

But then...

...it hit me like blunt force trauma to the head. "DAFUQ! NASAN TALAGA ANG HUSTISYA!?"

GDC ALABANG: 06:00pm - 07:00pm - Hiphop with Paul
07:30pm - 08:30pm - Street Pop with Chrissian

ugh!

How on earth can I be in Alabang until 7pm then 7:30 in QC? Just a bit of a trivia, I was the one who requested that Street Pop class for my squad. I am supposed to be there. I SHOULD BE THERE.

ugh.

With the heavy heart, I decided to stick to Street Pop. But that didn't mean I will not do anything for my teacher. I started messaging my classmates in Alabang if they were willing to attend HH with Paul on Saturday. I was lucky to have been able to get to affirmations. With the last one to complete the go signal coming from a student that informed teacher early on (I have a good idea who this student is! HAHA!).

I know you may be asking why I did that. Because I clearly know the disappointment for a cancelled class. I felt it. I felt it so vividly it broke my heart. It is the main reason that I became Teacher Clyde's student. If you know me well, you know that I am an empath. I feel other's emotions as if they were mine. I felt Teacher Clyde's disappointment and frustration when his class in SM Aura was cancelled due to lack of students. I could have enrolled for that last slot but opted not to in favor of taking a break. That's why when I came back to SMX, I felt that sinking feeling of melancholy from him. It broke my heart. That's why I enrolled in his Adult Beginners Class on whim.

Like a bombshell, a realization just exploded in my mind...

"Am I just projecting my feelings and aspirations for Teacher Clyde to my new Hiphop teacher?"

Is it real or just a projection?
When Teacher Paul first invited me to his class, I was so happy. I attended it even at the cost of earning the ire of the bosses in TADS. I am positive that I perfectly enjoy his classes especially the one when we did Water by Usher and I have been killin' his classes ever since. I am the type of student that grows exponentially good when I have good relations with my teacher both academic and here in my dance classes. I'm pretty much eager to enroll in his GFP class for this summer.

until this realization...

• Eagerness to attend his classes
• Ensuring that all his classes are a go
• His regular students growing
• Excitement to enroll his class for GFP
• Ensuring the numbers for his GFP class

... these are all my dreams, functions, and aspirations for Teacher Clyde. Things that I wasn't able to do due to our short period together and his sudden departure. Things I will do willingly unconditionally for him. These are all for Teacher Clyde. not for my present teacher... Questions. Questions. Questions.

"Do I really want to enroll in his GFP class? Do I really want for it to prosper or is it just a projection of my dream for Teacher Clyde? If I did push through in having his GFP class, will it give me the gratification like that of having Teacher Clyde's class?" "Do I really want to attend all of his classes? I also enjoy Teacher Chrissian's, Teacher Myka's, hell, I enjoyed my Hiphop class with Teacher Mike so what's with the eagerness to his classes?

One thing is for sure, he is not Teacher Clyde, so I should not be pushing/projecting my aspirations (regrets?) to my new Hiphop Teacher. It seems unfair because those are not really for him but for Teacher Clyde.

I really love the ending song of Make It Right Season 1. It's sung by Namcha and entitled About last night. I can actually sing this complete with proper diction.


คงหมดเวลาของเรา กลับคืนสู่ความว่างเปล่า
Kong mot welah kaung rao glup keun soo kwahm wahng bplao
Our time is up, we return to emptiness
เรื่องราวที่มีแค่เรา ที่รู้กันเท่านั้น
Reuang rao tee mee kae rao tee roo gun tao nun
The stories that only we know
มันเกิดจากความรู้สึก หรือเป็นแค่เพียงคนเหงา
Mun gert jahk kwahm roo seuk reu bpen kae piang kon ngao
Did they happen because of feelings? Or was it only two lonely people
ที่มาเจอกัน
Tee mah jur gun
Who happened to meet?

(*) มันอาจไม่เรียกว่ารัก แต่มันดีพอให้ฉัน ลืมเธอไม่ลง
Mun aht mai riak wah ruk dtae mun dee por hai chun leum tur mai long
It might not have been love, but it was good enough for me to be unable to forget you

(**) แต่ความจริงคือฉันไม่ควรอยู่ตรงนี้ ต่อไป
Dtae kwahm jing keu chun mai kuan yoo dtrong nee dtor bpai
But the truth is I shouldn’t be here anymore
เมื่อรู้ทั้งรู้ว่าเธอมีเค้าทั้งใจ
Meua roo tung roo wah tur mee kao tung jai
When I know full well that you have her with all your heart
ก็แค่เรื่องของคนเหงา ที่ไม่มีวันต่อไป
Gor kae reuang kaung kon ngao tee mai mee wun dtor bpai
It’s just an issue of lonely people that will never continue
สุดท้ายแล้วผิดที่ฉันที่มันเกิดเผลอใจ
Soot tai laeo pit tee chun tee mun gert plur jai
In the end, it’s my fault for being careless
คิดถึงแต่เรื่องเมื่อคืน
Kit teung dtae reuang meua keun
Thinking only of last night’s matters

ความจริงมันควรต้องจบ คงไม่มีทางต้องเจ็บ
Kwahm jing mun kuan dtaung jop kong mai mee tahng dtaung jep
In truth, it should be stopped, then there would be no way to get hurt
ไม่เก็บเอาเรื่องนั้นมา คิดถึงมันอีกแล้ว
Mai gep ao reuang nun mah kit teung mun eek laeo
I shouldn’t hold on to those matters or think about them any more
เธออาจไม่ทันรู้สึก กับช่วงเวลาแค่นั้น ที่มาเจอกัน
Tur aht mai tun roo seuk gup chuang welah kae nun tee mah jur gun
You might not have felt anything at that moment we met

Rundown
This particular song tells a story about a one night stand and certainly does not reflect my relationship with cobalt blue. But there's something about the title that resonates to me. It literary just happened in one night: The downward spiral of our relationship...

It's a big surprise how swiftly everything just went rogue. We just went out for a movie one Thursday evening, everything was fine. We ate in Sumo Sam. Everything just felt good and right. Then come Friday evening, we were nuking it out through texts. One accusing one of doing something against the other. We separated ways by Saturday.

It's already been a week since then. Of course, I have thought about everything that had transpired. I believe everything started when I was asking him what are we going to do in Pampanga. It was Friday and I was in San Fernando for an Official Business. We were scheduled to go there that Saturday since he invited me to go there the week prior. It was his way to make up to me since his parents did not permit him to join me in Tagaytay.

He mentioned that he just wanted to watch a movie there. I was berating him to look for more things to do because if all he wanted was to watch a movie, why do we need to go to Pampanga? (Vista Mall Bataan has movies showing) "Ikaw naman nag-aya neto.", I kept telling him because in my mind, it was him who wanted to go to Pampanga. So I figured he wanted to do something there that is not available in Bataan and I was pressing him to tell me what it is. He responded that what he planned in mind was just to watch a movie and I was just demanding things. Note: Everything he said is non-verbatim. I only read his message once and is only recalling it by memory. I have his message in my phone but I don't like to read it anymore. His response really blew my fuse especially combined with the hot climate in San Fernando that time...

I hastily replied that of course I have the right to demand! I am giving him my time even though there are many people who are asking for it. He is my priority! I am always trying so hard to fit everything in my schedule so that I can give ample time to everyone! I just don't want to waste my time. I have sacrificed other lakads for this!

He replied that I was nagging him about my time and he didn't ask for it. Gawd, I was getting all the more frustrated with our exchange then. I replied that he's important to me that's why he is my priority and that I am not nagging him about my time, I simply want him to understand where I'm coming from. He replied claiming something about me being selfish for the time that I am asking. He mentioned something about him lacking the time to spend at home and having no time to speak with his parents. Which I countered with what I have always telling him, he was the one who invited me to go to Pampanga in the first place! He countered that he does not know Pampanga very well since he doesn't always go to the place. He kept insisting that I am the only one demanding to do things because his original invite was only for a movie.

In the end, I relented. I said it's fine if it was only a movie and provided some choices for other activities. Like the new cafe I saw by the intersection; That Buffet that we always eat to; etc. I remember I texted those while I was enroute back to Bataan. After a while, I was already crying in the bus. I was just told I was demanding and selfish by that one person I care about the most. It really took a blow on me. I couldn't accept those allegations especially coming from him.

When I arrived at our office, I broke down. I couldn't bare the pain anymore. His words pierced right through me. Good thing I was alone and was able to really let it out. I cried a good cry then went all serious. I started typing very long texts. I answered all his claims about my selfishness, my being demanding, and some other things. I mentioned that all I wanted was bit of his time because that's all what he can offer me. I asked him if he still wanted to be in this. I reminded him that I asked him before and he said it was okay with it. I defended myself that whatever issues that he has with his parents, I'm out of it. Ever since I knew that he's getting scolded when he gets home late, I make it a point that our affairs are only until 8PM. And that all our Manila trips at most are overnight only. If he feels he doesn't talk to his parents that much then he should initiate the conversation since he's staying with them at home. I sent the texts around 10PM and then went home.

I woke up around 2AM and read his replies to my texts. He started with that he may continue the debate and he will just end up at the losing side. He should be the one in control of his life and that he cannot meet me halfway anymore. He said he wanted to go back to the time that he was alone. So that I will not be sad and cry anymore in the office. He points out that I cry in the office and everyone knows it's because of him. His last message was not to proceed to our trip to Pampanga. Of course that devastated me, again, like I said, I sacrificed other events just to go on this trip to Pampanga with him.

I replied to his message that I will respect what he has told me in those texts and as my last request, let's proceed to Pampanga. After that, I texted my partner-in-crime with a message telling her that the #TimeLimit has been set.

I went back to sleep with a heavy heart. Honestly, it wasn't that much of a sleep because I kept waking up every fifteen minutes.

Thoughts
I understand that I may have been the trigger to this. Especially that I kept berating him that he was the one who invited me. On my end, as I mentioned, I just wanted to know what will transpire with our little trip. It's not like he's the one paying for everything. I need to know how much will be our projected expenses so I can sweep it in my budget.

And the things that he mentioned against me, being selfish, being demanding, being the one in control of his life. Ha! I have given nothing but options to him. I always base my decisions to him. I let him decide because I wanted someone deciding for me for a change. That is except for things that I know he needed, like the X-ray for his injuries, blood chem, and Rehab Med consultation. Doctors orders. No buts.

I am out with his dilemma with his parents. Why is he pinning that on me?

Time is important to me as I always have tons of things to do. I set them aside because he is important to me. And it seems he doesn't understand that part. Yeah, the part that he's important to me. Sad noh?

"Maalala naman kita sa Sumo Sam...", he said smiling. This was after he noticed me watching him with a sad look on my face.

"Ako maalala kita sa lahat...", I replied while looking away as tears formed instantly in my eyes. "...sa password ko, sa painting mo, sa lahat... maalala kita."

And it's true, it's been a week since we decided to go our separate ways. Yes, I am saying WE. It was a decision we both made, though not mutual. He was the first to decide, my decision was only a response to his decision.

I still think about him everyday. I always remember him in times that I don't even expect...

Eating in KFC. It was after our meeting int PSTD at the Meralco Head Office. I just parted ways with my Bom Bom Bora Friends. I was wandering around the mall trying to consciously not think about him. I was bit hungry already since I left home without eating. I decided to eat in KFC. I took my time choosing what I wanted to eat then proceeded to order in the cashier. I got my order and just sat by a corner. I started eating my order and a memory flashed of him eating in front of me. I usually sit opposite him when we eat out. I vividly saw an image of him, eating chicken across me. I remember exactly how he chews. Every up and down motion of his jaw. I know. I have it ingrained in my memory. A phantom image of him was sitting in front of me, enjoying his spicy chicken.

Mochaccino. see my previous post

TA-DAN! It was his catchphrase when he's trying to surprise me. He said it when he gave me a cupcake with blue icing on Feb 15 and the day he gave the painting and the sketch to me as my Xmas gift. I never thought it will remind me of him. I hear it almost everyday inside my mind. As if, he will just come back and surprise me that he's back in my life. TA-DAN!

I'll probably remember more of him in the next weeks. I am slowly but surely returning my life to the point where he didn't enter my life. I have unfriended all the friends he introduced me to and I don't have any plans of communicating with them anymore. I told him that they are only an extension of him, when he's gone, they are gone.

I am not that devastated because I have survived abandonment far graver than this. But that doesn't mean this did not get to me. I'm surviving everyday because on the day that he left, another person came back to me. But that's for another story.

Lately, everytime I order 7-Eleven's Mochaccino in their City Blends, I'm reminded of the person who introduced me to it...

It was the first time that he dropped me off in my house using their car and he's the driver. We just watched the new Power Rangers Movie earlier then. We then ate at the Beanery. We were its last customers for the day. We each enjoyed a healthy helping of each other's order of pasta. After a quick refill from our suking gas station, we were off to Limay so he can take me home. It was just a short ride since it was already around 12 midnight. We were talking of getting coffee in Limay at 7-Eleven. I used to only drink Americano from their coffee line. I haven't tried the other varieties.

He parked beside the nearby college of that particular 7-Eleven branch. We went out of the car and went straight to the store. The Coffee machine was just by the entrance. He asked me if what I wanted to drink. I mentioned that I didn't want to drink coffee anymore since it's already past midnight. Have you tried their Mochaccino?, he asked. I replied that I haven't tried it yet. "What size?", he asked with a grin. Hmmmp. "Ikaw, kung ano nalang ung sayo." Afterwards, he let out a grin and retorted, "Large sayo, Medium saken." laughing.

He paid for the drinks at the counter then he handed over my drink. When I first took a sip, I liked it. It's this good mixture of coffee and chocolate. It reminded me of the makeshift mocha drink that used to have when I was still in Convergys. We talked a some more until we finished our dirnks. By 1 AM, he brought me home and we said our usual goodbyes.


Right now, I'm figuring out if I really loved the drink on its own or I loved it because he was the one who introduced me to it. I always find myself pushing the 16 oz button of the Mochaccino everytime I'm in 7-Eleven. So maybe, I do love it after all.

Last Saturday, April 22, 'he' left. He came equipped with a myriad of reasons why it would be better for us to part ways. None of which makes sense to me. But as I mentioned to him in my text the night before, I will respect whatever he said. But that doesn't mean he's right. I choose not to divulge them here as to protect his privacy, but judging from the feedback of my friends... It's one huge BULLCRAP!

But scene from that day keeps reiterating in my mind... The setting in which I consider our last goodbye...



Timelimit
by Wilter von Phar

Alas dos ng hapon sa highway
sa ilalim ng katirikan ng haring araw
Mainit ang buga ng hangin galing hilaga
Di katulad ng pakiramdam ko nung oras na yun

Nakatayo tayong dalawa sa lilim ng maliit na puno
Nakamasid sa mga paparating na sasakyan
Naghihintay ng bus na maghahatid saken
Papalayo sa lugar na yon...
sa iyo...

Lumingon ako sa direkyon mo
Pinagmasdan sa huling pagkakataon ang kabuuan mo
Mula ulo hanggang sa lupa
Kinikilatis ang bulto mo
kinakabisado ang bawat alon ng iyong bisig
ang buhok mong binati kong hindi bagay sayo
ang mukha mong nakangiti
ang tshirt mong kulay asul na plain
ang dibdib mong humuhulma sa iyong kisig
ang pantalon mong butas na lagi mong suot
ang bag mong itim na kakulay ng dilim

Napansin mo akong nakatitig sayo
Tinanong mo kung bakit ko ginagawa yon
Iyon na siguro ang huling beses na tatanungin mo ako nun
Lagi kitang tinititigan at pinagmamasdan
ang lagi kong tugon sa tanong mo na iyon ay, "Wala."
Pero sa araw na yun, buong tapang akong tumugon sayo ng:
"Ito na ang huling beses na makikita kita...
Gusto ko lang ng imahe sa utak ko na maalala kita..."

At may nagpakitang paparating na bus
Malapit na matapos ang huling tagpo nating dalawa
Lumingon muli ako sa iyong direksyon
Gamit ang mga mata kong malungkot
Yumakap ako sayo katulad ng pagyakap ko sayo nung huli
Sapagkat sa pagkakatong ito, ito na nga ang huli
Kaya sa huling beses na ito, niyakap kita ng mas mahigpit pa
At bumulong ako sayo ng marahan...
"Super Love you" katulad ng lagi kong sinasabi sayo
at "Sorry", sabay sa pag-agos ng mga luha ko...

Bumitaw tayo sa pagkayapos sa isat isa
ngunit nakahawak pa din ako sa iyong braso
Inabot mo gamit ang kabilang kamay ang mga dala ko..
Inabot ko iyon na para bang mas lalo itong bumigat
Marahil dumagdag na duon ang lahat ng pagmamahal ko sayo
Binubuhat ko na din sya sapagkat tinanggihan mo na itong tanggapin

Sinimulan ko ang pagtapak ng aking paa
isang mabigat na hakbang patungo sa naghihintay na bus
Nagkaron na ng distansya ang ating mga katawan
Ngunit patuloy pa din akong nakahawak sa iyong braso
Tumuloy ang isa pang hakbang
at lumuwag na ang pagkakahawak ko sa braso mo
Isa pang muli at bumaba na ang kamay ko sa iyong pulso
isa pang hakbang at matatapos na ang ating huling tagpo
Natira nalang ay dalawang daliri na pakurot na pilit na kumakapit
Ayaw bumitaw sa iyo
At muli, isang hakbang pa, at tuluyan ng nawala ang koneksyon nating dalawa
Di na maramdaman ng balat ko ang init ng iyong balat
Putol na ang ugnayan nating dalawa
"Wala na", yun ang tugon mo kanina
Wala na nga ito.
Wala na tayong kinalaman sa isa't isa
tapos na ang istorya
Isasara na pintuan

Duon na bumalot ang lamig sa aking balat
di na kita nilingon
di na kita inalala pa
Umupo ako sa likod ng bus
Tumingin sa kawalan
Sumakay na sa biyaheng palayo sayo...

After the AlDub fever, I took a nap to contain all the excitement. I was really slated to leave the house to meet with you. But I elected to sleep since I was still very tired from all Bataan work.

That evening, I was in blogathon mode. It was then that I realized that maybe the reason why I decided not to meet with you is that I am not in love with you anymore... Maybe the person that I'm really in-loved with is my memory of you and not the person you are right now.

That's only the logical explanation why I don't feel anything about what happened. I'm missing my memory of you that's why I'm eager to reply to your messages. But that is it. I'm in love with the ghost that was you.

It was my turn in the cashier line when I suddenly froze when I saw him.

I know he isn't who I think he is. Though he has the same slim build, he is taller. But I cannot deny that his eyes, shape of his face, his mannerism in speaking, and his smile all resemble...

"him"...

It was at this point that Jason Dy's Break My Heart (Some More) played instinctively in my mind. I was looping it in Spotify earlier during my travel from San Fernando to Manila. Emotions associated with certain memories began to fill my heart. My heart grew heavy while I was waiting for my groceries to be scanned. Though my watery gates from my eyes have long been dried, those feelings of longing and deep passion are still as pure as the day I locked them inside of me.

I was waiting longer in line because the mustard jar that I bought was not yet included in the scanned items list. This gave me a chance to silently observe the person who reminded me of my forlorn past.

When I saw his name from his exposed ID, I grew even more tense. His name is [*insert initials here*] S. Bautista. Same Middle Initial, Same Surname. Just to check is they are really related, I checked the bagger boy's facebook profile. It was really not hard to find since he uses his real name. I was at first dumbstruck when I saw that he lives in Navotas. But it seems they are not Facebook friends.

I began to be haunted by the ghost of unanswered questions of my previous make-believe relationship.

Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?

I snapped out of my ghastly disilluions when finally the last product was finally scanned and paid for. He handed me my pack of groceries. I said thank you nonchalantly and walked away.

On my ride home, I realized that you don't really move on from this kind of separation. We didn't have proper closure . I cannot say that we broke up since we didn't really prosper into the relationship. Needless to say, he threw me away when I wasn't needed anymore. Without warning. Without any signs. He just left me...

I was trying to build a dream with him. It was a dream that we both share that's why I was excited. Or should I say, I was the more excited one. But in the end, he shattered it without even looking back at me.

Like I said, you don't really move on unless you have closure. You simply just get used to the pain and then try to stand up on your own while picking up the pieces of your heart. I came to the conclusion that his world is moving normally, why should mine stop? I stood up and here I am.

But now that these deeply buried emotions are out once more, let me just say that I still await for closure. If needed be, take a cue from Jason Dy...

"...break my heart some more so I can finally say goodbye..."

Break my heart with the truth and I will finally say goodbye...

Napanaginipan na naman kita...

Nakatingin ka sakin. Nakangiti. Ang mukha mong mala-anghel ay may tuumutubo nang balbas. Infairness, bagay!

Nakasuot ka ng puti. Bagay na bagay sa kutis mong maputi rin.

Gwapo ka pa rin. Inaamin ko naman na yang mukhang yan ang unang bumihag saken. Yung mukhang inosente. Yung mukhang anghel. Yung mukhang nagpapatalon sa puso ko...

...noon

Nagising ako sa tunog ng alarm. Dumilat na ako pero nanatili pa ding nakahiga. Iniisip ko kung bakit ikaw yung napaginipan ko. Hindi naman kita iniisip. Marami akong trabaho at binabasa. Walang panahon para isipin kita.

Mahal pa ba kita? Yun nalang ang naiisip kong dahilan. Para saken imposible yun. Kasi nung nagdesisyon akong kalimutan na ang pagmamahal ko sayo, binigay ko na ito sa iba...

Naalala ko pa nung umiiyak ako sa taas ng burol habang umuuulan. Damang dama ko ang lamig habang umiiyak ako. Pero yun lang ang naisip kong paraan para hindi na masaktan at hindi na din ako makagulo sayo. Win-win diba?

Binigay ko na sa iba ang pagmamahal na dapat para sayo. Binigay ko lahat. Kaya sigurado ako, hindi kita mahal katulad ng pagmamahal ko sayo dati.

Pero hindi pa rin nasasagot ang tanong ko... Bakit ba kita napanaginipan?

Nakikita ko naman yung picture mo minsan, pero wala na ung lundag ng puso na nararamdaman ko dati. Wala yung pagnanais na makita ka talaga at makasama araw araw. Kaya ang laking misteryo kung bakit kita napanaginipan. Dahil wala naman akong nararamdaman sa twing nahahagip ng mga mata ko ang larawan mo.

Hindi na kita mahal. Pero bakit napanaginipan pa rin kita?

It was a pretty normal school weekday for Steward. He arrived on time for the flag ceremony and placed his bag in line with those of his classmates. The usual flag raising scenario everyday for the past year or so since he transferred to that school. Nothing new really… Except for that new song that they are forced to perform the action while singing. Urgh. But other than that, it was just a typical day in the life of a male high school student.

After a few announcements, classes were allowed to proceed in their respective rooms. Steward’s class occupies the room beside the girl’s comfort room on the second floor of the building nearest the second gate. Hence, they usually the first class to arrive to their classroom.

He sat down on his new seat nonchalantly. Their class had their seats rearranged. He was now seated on the 4th row 2nd seat from the back left of the pair of chairs. Not that it mattered to him. It was just simply a change in scenery from a big white wall to a row of windows. Even his new seatmate is not an issue. A new victim of his jokes and antics. Typical day for Steward indeed.

Or so he thought…

That very typical morning after their Biology class, he noticed his classmates Rene and Edwin were trading notebooks. At that time, he really didn’t give it any second thought. After all, it is normal for classmates to exchange notes. But on that typical day, some unknown power triggered the event that will change Steward’s life forever. This mysterious force caused one of the notebooks being traded to fall to the floor. Its hidden treasure burst from its confinement and rolled near Steward’s seat.

“Ano yan?” he asked curiously.

A long silence followed that inquiry. No words were uttered to answer his question. Just solemn muteness that lasted for about 10 seconds.

After a decade of quiet seconds to temper the waters, one of the boys grabbed the fallen notebook and retrieved the sacred treasure back to its chest. He handed the “treasure chest” to Steward who accepted it. Confused, Steward slowly opened the “chest” to reveal its “treasure”.

A blinding light burst from the opened notebook. Angelic harmony echoing simultaneously with the intense luminosity. There, glowing clamped between the pages of the notebook, is the sacred trade of pubescent males in that high school.

It was a CD. A video CD to be exact. This particular video CD is designed with women looking anguished, their busty bodies noticeably tense. In the middle, a shadowy figure of a laughing man clasping a distraught maven into his monstrous hands. Above these images, a huge caption reads: PROFESSOR PAIN XXX.

It was definitely one eureka moment for Steward. It was a don’t ask, don’t tell kind of thing. A malicious grin appeared on his face. A grin he shared with his classmates Rene and Edwin. [: D]

That typical day in a life of a male high school student was the day that Steward was blessed by the sacred light of the Notebook’s treasure. It was the day that he took the Notebook’s content, accepted it, and molded by it. Needless to say, Professor Pain introduced him to the light of this underground world of pubescent males.

From that moment on, exchanging notebooks was never again the same in the eyes of Steward. Especially, trading notebooks with malicious grins by pubescent males in his high school. Notebooks packed with different treasures for their mutual enjoyment.

Few friends of mine are bugging me lately with my love life. Ha! Funny! Aside from the usual flirting episodes here and there, there is not much to share. Nada. Zilch.

On my end, I have given up on my futile attempts to get into a relationship. What's the point of getting into a relationship that you know from the start is doomed to just end? I'm not being a pessimist. I'm just being real. Reality bit me... Not just once... Not just twice... Not even just thrice... I have learned my lesson. And it has become who I am.

I am what you call an Old School Dyosa which can be described by one characteristic: I have a heart of a girl. I favor being treated like a lady. I like to be fetched. I like to be held by the hand when going down. I like to rest my head on a nice man's shoulder. I like to be given things that I did not ask for. I like to be walked home. I like to be pleased by the boy I like. Sounds like a princess huh?

But like I said, reality bit then chew me to smultch. I never experienced them with the men that are important to me. And these men mean a lot to me, I give them every resources that I can give. Time. Money. Effort. Everything. I try to savor my time with them because honestly, that's the only thing that I get from them. But after that, I really get this hollow feeling inside me that I will never get to fill.

Hence, my Queen persona. A Queen that created a castle wall from her fragile Princess heart. A Queen has her duties. A Queen has subjects to rule. The only mantra that would make sense for me to go on with this unfair world that I live in.

Love? Haha! Love?! No one can give me that! Can he break these walls that I made to survive? Can he treat me like a princess that I am? Can he still be my prince even if we're out in public?

No use in waiting. As Elsa once said, The cold never bothered me anyway...

Conversations can really open up old wounds. But in my case, it reminded me of old scars. Memories that I kept hidden behind my tearducts...

I waited patiently by the park near C4. Navotas sector names adorn the park's centerpiece statue. It was a cool July evening. Soft breezes chill bystanders like me in the park. I was holding two tickets of the advance screening of Harry Potter 7.0. I was meeting the person I chose to go with for that special screening. My heart pounding in sync with every second that passes.

He approached me silently. He was on his bicycle when I saw him. He immediately parked his bike beside a nearby pot and then sat at the opposite side of the bench I was sitting on. We were silent for a few long cold minutes. In the end, I thawed the glacier with a smile, and handed over our ticket for the special screening.

He accepted it. Examined it closely. Then smiled. It was the smile that melted more ice during that encounter. We were able to converse more after that smile.

We began talking about things that I don't remember anymore. Maybe it was too trivial so it didn't earn spaces in my memory banks. But I do remember smiling because I was talking to the man I love.

Not long after, we parted ways since we both have work the next morning. I hopped on a jeepney and proceeded straight home.

Painful memories can stir things inside you. But for this instance, it was a happy memory. A happy memory that lead to not so happy memories. But then again, I was reminded of this when we talked about that particular park in Navotas.

It is a scar of yester-years but it is somehow a treat it visit... Why? Because it reminds me that how I became strong enough to stand on my own. To stand when there was not even ground to step on. A major part of me has moved on. But that tiny speckle of my heart still weeps everytime I remember events during that time.

I guess it still begs for closure.

Dear Reverend Marvin,

Alam mo ba Rev, unang beses palang kitang nakita, nanginig na sa kilig yung pancreas ko. Opo Rev, hindi ka nagkakamali ng basa, PANCREAS KO TALAGA YUNG KINILIG! Nagbabasa ka pa nun ng Gospel. Nakangiti ka pa nga nun habang nagbabasa eh. Ako naman, parang tangang nililipad na sa alapaan dahil sa angelic mong smile.


Nasilayan nalang kita muli nang ikaw yung magbasa ng Gospel para kay Pope nung mass sa Manila Cathedral. Medyo chubby chubby ka na ha. Haha! Pero pogi pa din. Kaya ayun, nag-overload na naman sa kilig yung pancreas ko. Close up na close up kasi yung mukha mo. Para akong hihimatayin twing pinagmamasdan ko ang maamo mong mukha. Ang gwapo gwapo mo kasi talaga Rev! Para kang anghel na bumuba sa lupa! Nakakaloka!

Kanina naman sa mass sa Quirino Grandstand, ayun ka, nakaupo sa tabi ni Archbishop Tagle. Ang lapit lapit mo kay Pope, isang mashonders na sakristan lang ang pagitan nyo. Kaya twing naka-wide shot yung stage, kitang kita kita na naka-Amen position yung kamay mo. Nanlalambot yung tuhod ko pagnakaganung tindig ka. Anghel ka talaga. Anghel ka talaga sa paningin ko. Para akong nakainom ng ecstasy pag nagpapanning yung camera at nahahagip ka. Sigaw ako ng sigaw na mukhang lokaret na haliparot. Lalo na nung si Archbishop Tagle na yung nagsasalita sa mic, antagal nakatutok ng camera sayo. Nonchalant ka lang nun, halatang nakikinig sa sinasabi ni Cardinal. Ughhhh grabeh! Sasabog ata yung pancreas ko nung mga oras na yun!

Haaay Reverend Marvin! Sabihin mo lang, magreresign ako para maging secretary mo for life! Super love you po!

Ang iyong Inhinyera Dyosa,

Whilhelmina

During Tankage Inventory, the surveyors partnered with me are amazed that I am able to predict the time that we will finish with the activity accurately. No matter if they are senior or newbie surveyor, I can easily project our finishing time.

It's actually no biggie. I simply use an estimation method that I developed during college. I christened it with a fancy name, FAR SIGHT PROJECTION.

I first used this estimation technique during my second year in college. I was assigned as a tour guide for our freshmen. It was really a half day affair but we managed to do it in under 2 hours. We went against the flow of tour teams. We entered every building that can be toured first before we began the perimeter tour. I made that unique plan because of my experience the previous year with our tour. There was a bottleneck last year in the Main Building museum and the Botanical Garden. This became one of my considerations during the planning stage. I also considered the amount of sunshine during the timeframe. Who wants to walk under the scorching sun right?

Ever since then, I began perfecting this estimation method... While doing experiments during lab subjects... Long calculations in quizzes... Travel time from home to school, from Tan Yan Kee to Engineering...

Bit by bit, I refined my estimation technique until I finally concluded these criteria to make my estimation accurate:

1. I must have a prior experience with the activity at hand.
   
2. Certain variables must be incorporated with the estimation algorithm depending on the activity.
   
3. If I'm a variable, I can control the circumstance to make the estimation more favorable.
   
4. Unexpected factors may delay or advance the estimation.
   

For the 1st criterion, I should have experienced and at least understood how the activity works. Or else, I will have difficulty in learning the activity and estimating at the same time.

For the 2nd one, every activity has its own set of variables to be considered. Like for the Tankage Inventory, I estimate the immersion time per tank plus the travel time to get to the tank and just take the sum of the individual estimations. Sounds hard? Well, not exactly. Since some of the tanks are usually the same height so we can assume the same immersion time for them. Immersion time will also differ if they are black or white products. Immersion time is actually Time for Perimeter check plus Time for stair usage times two plus Time for Sampling and Gauging.

For the 3rd criterion, I can adjust the estimation time on my judgement if I am one of the variables. Going back with our example of Tank Inventory, I can hasten our time if I walk faster in between tanks and do the perimeter check faster or slower depending on the situation.

For the 4th one, this is tricky since I will only know the added variable on the spot. Like when it rains, it extends our immersion time or when the service takes time to fetch us, our travel time suffers. But of course if a tank is unexpectedly under maintenance, it's a plus for us! whahahha!

But in general, I have a 3% error based on experience with my estimations. This is very handy since dabble in events planning and training module creation.

The night after watching English Only Please, I reflected on the movie's impact in my psyche. I guess the movie just hit too close to home particularly with Tere. Tanga rin kasi ako eh...

Ewan ko ba. Just like her, I become too attached with certain people. An attachment that was not requested nor required. I just acted on my own and treat these people dearly. I take care of these people, serve them with everything that I have. Even at the cost of my own money, even happiness. I sometime question if what I'm doing is right. Should I really sacrifice my time and resources just for them? What I get from all of this?

But every time I'm on the edge of letting them go, these people do something that will make me feel I am important to them. And because of my attachment, I go back to serving them.

This is maybe a rant on my part, but sometimes, I just want them to appreciate me more. I don't mean that they need to do the same things as I do but more on the little things like texting, messaging. Actually, one of the reason why I get lonely is because I don't get feedback from them. And this will sound cliche, sometimes, I only hear from them when they need something.

TANGA, ako yan kasi kahit ganoon na nga, tuloy pa din ako sa kahibangan ko. I cherish them but they don't cherish me back.

Ang sad noh?

I have known it for a while… Bago pa sya nagpasa ng resignation nya, pumutok na yung balita na nag-a-apply na sya ng work abroad. Actually, ni-confront ko nga sya about dun nung nalaman ko. Ang sabi nya lang saken, “Hindi pa ah. Matagal pa yun.” Syempre ako naman naging kampante na rin kasi hindi pa naman pala aalis ang Kuya Jarnie ko…

Hanggang sa may pumutok na naman na balita na natanggap na sya sa inaapplyan nya. IMS Engineer pako nun. Syempre twing dadaan ako sa munting building nila dahil sa nature ng trabaho ko, lagi akong nag-a-ala Inday Badiday dahil sa kakatanong ng mga questions about it. I swear! Daig pa ang External Audit sa mga pinagtatanong ko!

At dumating na nga yung matagal na yun na sinasabi ni Kuya Jarnie. Pumutok na ang balita na nagresign na nga sya. Ginagawa ko pa nun yung dokumento nun nakailangan ko makipag-usap lagi sa Department Manager nya. Dahil always waiting in line ang peg ko sa dami ng kameeting ni Madam manager, naririnig ko yung mga information about it.

“Luchie, schedule mo nga si Jarnie ng Exit Interview saken.”

Natutulala ako nung narinig ko yun. Eksenang nag-Time Space Warp ako nung mga oras na yun… isa lang kasi ang ibig sabihin ng Exit Interview… Confeeeeeermed na nagresign na nga sya. Confeeeeeermed na aalis na nga si Kuya Jarnie.

Nung nag-Return from the Different Dimension nako, nagpaalam ako na babalik nalang ako. Ang totoo kasi nun, tutulo na yung luha ko. A big part of me was wallowing in despair with the realization na aalis na nga ang Kuya Jarnie ko. Gustuhin ko man nun na tumakbo palayo, office hours pa eh, bawal pa umeksena ng drama at baka maawardan ako ng Best Actress.

Friday. Uwian pa-Manila. Last day of the week, but for me last day na andyan si Kuya Jarnie. Yung coming Sunday kasi na yun eh last day na nya sa company. Hindi ako makapagconcentrate nung araw na yun. I was ambivalent kung magpapakita ba ako sa kanya o hindi. I ended up just staring on my laptop’s monitor kasi wala ang diwa ko sa buong araw na yun. In the end, I chose not to see him, hindi naman na dahil sa may pagka-masochist ako noh but I just don’t want him to see me crying. I wanted him to remember me as the cheerful Whil that he knows.

The following day, Saturday, wala akong ginawa buong magdamag kundi umiyak. Iyak ako ng iyak. I can’t help it eh. The tears just kept flowing. Parang flash flood sa Espanya sa may UST, ganun. Dun lang siguro nagsettle saken na wala na si Kuya Jarnie. Na pagbalik ko ng office, hindi ko na sya makikita…

Wala nang magsasabi saken ng: “Hi sexy Whil!” Bolero eh noh?

Wala nang magrereply sa email ko ng “Wow naman! Ang ganda naman!” pag may pakulo akong ginawa na sinesend to all sa email.

Wala na akong pagrereportan ng mga nakikita kong potential hazards pag mag-Tankage Inventory.

Wala na yung inspiration ko to continue striving hard despite all the downsides of being an IMS Engineer. That little speck of inspiration was enough to keep me going kahit na ayaw ko na talaga.

Wala na…

Wala na yung Kuya Jarnie ko…

Ngayon nga lang na sinusulat ko to… Lumuluha ako. Basang basa na yung kumot sa tabi ko kasi I am relieving the loneliness that I felt nung kasagsagan nung scenario na yun. Oo with matching uhog. Ngawngaw much. Kaw ba naman kasi mawalan ng Kuya sa Refinery. Yun kasi sya saken eh. Kuya. As in KUYA talaga. Opo. Yung top eligible bachelor ng Refinery na husband material ay Kuya lang para saken. Kuyazooooooooooone.

For a change kasi, I was not expected to take care him… kasi for a change, I was “the little sister”… I was allowed to be childlike. I was not guarded in what I am saying. I was simply being me pag andun ako sa office nila at nakaupo ako sa upuan sa harap ng table nya. Nag-uubos ng oras dun pag stressed na stressed na ako sa IMS office. Defenses down. Barrier Zero Percent. Yung feeling ko eh babae ako because he treats me that way. Heck! Even my own older brothers don’t treat me that way! Yung feeling of relief kasi feel na feel kong safe na safe ako sa office nila kasi andun sya.

Hindi man lang nya naabutan nung nalipat ako sa HR Training. Hindi man lang nya naabutan na masaya nako ngayon sa posisyon ko. Na masayang masaya na akong natatrabaho ulet. Di na nya makikita yung mga gagawin ko pa na projects, designs, at events na pinagbubutihan ko talaga. Highest level of effort lagi.

Sa ngayon, masasabi kong di pa ako talaga nakakaget-over pa sa pag-alis ni Kuya Jarnie. Eh sa matagal ako mag-move on eh. Bakit ba? Kanina nga lang eh nung nagsend ako ng invite sa Zumba, I was still half expecting na magrereply sya sa invite ko ng joke or good job. Nung birthday nya, I sent him a caricature photo with his head embossed sa isang guy na nagigitara. Nagustuhan naman daw nya.

May isa pa ngang time na I was thinking out loud at nasabi kong “Namimiss ko si Kuya Jarnie” and lo and behold! Paglabas ko ng office namin, ayun sya naglalakad palapit sa akin! I froze with matching jaw drop with my phantom mouth. Nung malapit na sya saken at kinausap nya ako, I covered my eyes with my arm. Sabi ko na nga ba, iiyak ako pag nakita ko sya. Hindi naman hagulgol ang ginawa ko. Just teary eyed na nakita ko sya ulet. Binigyan pa nga nya ako ng isang box ng chocolate. Pasalubong nya daw saken. But I had a feeling na hindi na nya naibigay yun sa dapat nyang pagbigyan pero I still accepted it wholeheartedly. Actually, nasa drawer ko pa din yun. Hopefully hindi ako maunahan ng mga langgam sa pagkain nun.

Anyhoo siguro, it will be healthier for me to disengage myself from him. At etong blog na ito ang simula ng process na yun. Writing has always been my outlet. Maybe I just wanted to preserve the experience, the memory, and the emotions than I had before moving on from this part of my life. After all, he’s having the time of his life+ now. But of course, Kuya Jarnie will always have a place in my heart. Always.

Naalala ko pa nung nagtatrabaho pa ako sa Cavite, new hire palang ako nun. Since wala naman magawa sa bus pauwi ng Manila, nagwonder nalang ako ng mga what-if's sa buhay ko. Ewan ko. Eh talagang nakakabore naman talaga ang bus ride from Imus to Lawton.

Nung time na yun, hindi ko alam kung anung pumasok sa kokote ako at tinanong ko ang what-if question na ito...

What if sabihan ako sa isa sa mga anak ko na "Nay, salamat sa lahat pero aalis na ako"?"

Nung time na yun, si Jeco ang inisip ko na nagsabi saken nun. Nung time na yun kasi sya yung pinakaclose ko. Inisip ko ng inisip si Jeco. Inimagine ko pati yung boses na sinasabi nya talaga saken yun...

Habang patuloy ang pagtahak ng bus papuntang Maynila, at habang may kanya kanyang ginagawa yung iba pang pasahero, lumuha bigla yung kaliwang mata ko dulot ng matinding kirot sa puso ko. Pinipiga ng sobra yung puso ko. Ramdam na ramdam ko yung sakit kaya tumuloy-tuloy ang daloy yung mga luha ko.

Kung makakahagulgol lang ako nung mga oras na yun, malamang ginawa ko with matching lupasay/kisay. Mahal na mahal ko yung anak ko na yun. Sya ang dahilan kya ako bumabangon ng mas matapang nung panahon na yun. Sya yung dahilan kaya nakamove on ako kay Monster. Sa kanya ko binuhos yung pagmamahal na dapat kay Monster.

Kya nung dumating yung oras na nagpaalam na sya sa akin, kahit papano alam ko na ang mararamdaman ko. Kaya sa puntong iyon hindi na ako lubusang nasaktan. Pero syempre, napaiyak pa din ako. Pero naiintindihan ko naman sya. Alam ko kung bakit nya yun gustong gawin. May mga bagay na ikaw lang mag-isa ang dapat lumutas.

Minsan naalala ko pa din si Jeco. Hindi ko naman masabi ko iniintay ko pa syang bumalik. Pero twing naalala ko yung kirot na naramdaman ko nung nagpaalam si Jeco. Naluluha pa rin ako. Kung bumalik man sya o hindi, masaya na din ako na kahit papano may natawag akong anak na nagngangalang PEEJAY...

There are nights when part of me wants to tell you to just own me. Tell me that you need me. Tell me that you want me by your side. It's okay if you have a girlfriend,

I don't intend to be her replacement. I just want you to acknowledge me. To inform me that indeed, you want me to be with you always.

Why do I always feel uneasy everytime we text and talk to each other? It's as if we are cheating with your girlfriend. Is it just me or you feel that too? I never

really understood that feeling. I mean we are just talking right? No feelings attached, just friends talking.

I thought when I gave up on you, I can finally move on with my feelings of love for you. But the passage of time only made my life for you slowly come back to my

heart.

I miss you. I love you. Please just tell me you own me and I'm yours.

This film is one of the most powerful film I have watched. I was never one to look at the technical aspects anyway because I'm more curious of the story, the characters, and the implication of the film in real life. Anyhoo... enjoy O beautiful.


This film is an after story of a hate crime. A story of what-if's and wishful thinking. A story of regret and penance.

Brad
Part of me empathize with Brad. His emotions in the film really push some of my buttons. Probably because I experienced them too. Though I was not in anyway raped before, I understand the feeling of terror when Andy came back with his truck. The thought of someone not part of your inner circle knowing what you are brings out the phobia in any budding gay kid. Not to mention, this guy who came back is friends or even teammates with Brad's rapists.

I understand Brad's reaction all too well. The self-pity. The rage. The defensiveness. The mellowing. The resolve. It's as if Brad represents all there is about a gay kid's life. The five phases that I mentioned encompass the 5 stages of moving on of a gay man, well, for me at least.

I remembered shutting myself to others because I was afraid other boys I'll think that I'm just want to be friends with them for their bodies. That's why my initial reaction when guys approached me before was evasion or a shiver, just like Brad did when Andy tried to wipe the blood using his bonnet. I still have that fear even today and I am always very careful around other men around me.

There were two instances that Brad mellowed out to Andy. That one time the Brad invited Andy to his house and in the truck when Andy was fake asleep. I've always wondered how it turned out if Andy obliged to Brad's invitation. If Andy just accepted the invitation, Brad wouldn't have ran away. I imagined it to be a window of weakness for Brad, it was a risk asking a guy whom he barely talk to to come with him to his home. That's why I perfectly understand that when Andy turned him down, his defenses went back on. Then in the truck when Andy was faking he's asleep, he told him he was lying. He told him the truth. He told him that he was a virgin. He bared himself to Andy...

"but tonight..."

When Brad was touching Andy's chest, there was no lust in his eyes. He just wanted someone or some guy to care for him. Someone with a warm chest and a sturdy shoulder so he can shed his armor of bravado. I can totally relate.

That's why I perfectly understand when Brad turned on his defenses after Andy confessed that he watched the whole ordeal. He was thinking he found the guy that he can trust, being the first person that he told his true persona, only to be betrayed at the last minute. oooh boy... I totally relate.

In retrospect, Brad not taking Andy's hand when he was trying to give a handshake is simply a defensive mechanism. But I can imagine that it was pretty hard on Brad's part evidenced by a long pause during the handshake scene.

In my mind, Brad was crying both in rage and disappointment for the boy he thought he could trust.

Andy
This character is a very complex one. That's why I fell in love with David Clayton Rogers immediately after the last scene. He provided the right emotions, expressions, and repression to make the character likable, believable, and human. I may not like it, as I picture Andy as a perfect but broken guy, he's a closeted homosexual. Yep. he is.

I can describe Andy with one word, CONFUSED. He is confused of trying to be a good person yet tries so hard to protect his image especially with his peers. He knows that what they did was wrong, but was afraid that he will be called a fag if he stops his friends. He believes that being a gay is not ok with God but deep inside him, he knows, he is one. And that's his reason for not coming out of the closet, he speaks of religion but the truth is he's just afraid.

All throughout the film, we can see a very unstable Andy, one scene his shouting and cursing, yet in the next scene he will be friendly and nice. This adds to the Confused description that I gave him. He's not exactly sure how to handle the situation. He came back to help, but was not expecting the antagonistic response of Brad. That pissed him off but tried to calm down and still help. By the end of the movie, it was revealed that he was guilty for what happened to Brad. He watched as his peers sodomized this gay kid in front of him. He was so guilty that's why it came to the point that he allowed Brad to touch him. If you would recall that scene, that was the time that his face really looked as if he was thinking of something heavy. Then... He confessed to Brad that he watch.

One line that redeemed Andy for me is the last line...

"Hey Brad... Send me some... postcards or somethin..."

I think this showed that he really showed compassion and care for Brad. Brad may or may not oblige to this but I'm sure it will be on Brad's mind.

---

I love this film. I can keep watching it again and again. oh Dvaid Clayton Rogers... Why are you so beautiful?

Last Friday maybe the most life changing Friday in my life. I spent the night before that thinking of what I should do and surely enough, I got something out of that hour walk from the office to my house.

I expressed myself.

Some might look down on what I did; Call me stupid. an ingrate even. But one thing is clear to me: "People who are not forward thinkers tend to settle with the past and with what-used-to-be's". They are contented with the status quo and a push of the envelop is looked down upon. Everything packaged in their perfect Corporate world.

I was even told to be unprofessional that day. As if the definition of professional is utmost obedience. Not on my dictionary. I believe I was very vocal of my reason why I accepted my job and given the circumstance that time, I held that reason very dearly that's why I refused to be transferred to another section. The circumstance has changed and the bias has been unearthed; Time to move away from one's stresses and into real happiness.

I can the defend the move that I did. I am quite sure that I am very much qualified to fill the post and so does others.

Bahala sila magtaasan ng kilay. Basta ako... I'm in my zone.

All this years, I have denied that I ever felt something for this guy. I have spoken all techniques of negation of the subject. I even tried, though with a heavy heart, pulling myself away from him. But to only go back beside him because he needed me.

I made a decision to hide my feelings for him because I know for a fact that it will be complicated. Though, that did not stop me to show that I care for him deeply. I just acted normally as if everything I do is normal for a gay friend to do for his straight guy friend. I just thought that I am his pseudo-girlfriend, without the hatid-sundo drama and the sex part. That's how I acted, and people soon recognized our situation.

The people around us began questioning our relationship. They began teasing us because of our closeness. My pseudo-girlfriend act became a real girlfriend act in their screwed mind.

Eventually, I pulled away. I retreated to another avenue in my life just to save myself from hurting inside. I want to always stay by him. I want to always talk to him, text him, see his smiles, his bare torso... I wanted to serve him because that's the only way I know I can show that I love him. I didn't want to say it out loud; I just want him to feel what I feel for him.

There came a time that I forced myself to relinquish my feelings for him. I saw that he was happy with his girl and I was not even close to him both physically and emotionally, felt that it was time to let him go. It was the best thing to do for him and, most especially, for me. During one of our out-of-town trips, I cried silently while I stand atop a hill. I let my tears silently fall while my heart tears up inside my ribcage. No words were spoken at that time. Simply ghostly tears and the pain slowly fading away in that high altitude.

I managed to channel my love to someone else, and eventually forgot my feelings for him. I moved on in a sense. There were chances that we had to close physically, but I was contented of the fact that we were just friends.

Fast forward to the present time, just like old times, we have been texting. Sometimes I start it, sometimes him. He's still with his girl. I'm still single.

I find it awkward that everytime he texts me I feel like a querida. I feel like we are talking about things he should be talking with his girlfriend. I feel like being a pseudo-girlfriend again. Though I won't deny that he still has a special place in my heart, and I have a feeling I have one too.

That sounds soooooo self-serving but that's what I feel. I remembered one time, we were walking along a highway; it was our first time to meet after a year or so. He mentioned he wanted to be close to me even for just a short while. I knew then that there is something between us. Not on a lovers level but not simply just on a friendly level.

Sometimes, I just want to tell him to really own me. Make me his. Tell me that I am his because honestly, that is really our relationship is. We just need to make it official. So that I can shout to the world that I am officially his.