Mahal,

kung binabasa mo to ngayon, malamang, ito na ang huling araw ng pagkikita naten
kung binabasa mo to ngayon, malamang, nagawa ko na lahat ng bagay na itinakda kong gawin
mga bagay na napag-isipan kong gawin nung gabing iyon
yung gabing iyon
nung sinabi mong, di mo ako kayang mahalin

Mahal,

Patawarin mo sana ako
Patawarin mo ako sa pagiging mahina ko
Patawarin mo ako na mas pinili ko nalang na magpatalo kesa lumaban
Pero mahal, pinilit ko namang lumaban
Pinilit kong ipaglaban yung pagkakaibigan natin
Kahit hirap na hirap ako, pinilit ko pa rin lumaban
Nilabanan ko yung nararamdaman kong pagmamahal sayo

Mahal,

Bawat segundong gising ako, ikaw lang ang iniisip ko
Sa umaga, iniisip ko kung gising ka na ba, kung kumain ka na ba ng almusal, kung nakapasok ka na, kung late ka nanaman ba?
Sa hapon, ganun din, kung nakakain ka ng pananghalian, kung ayos lang ba ang araw mo sa eskwelahan
Sa gabi, ganun pa din, kung nakakain ka na nga, kung kasama mo pa ba ang mga kaibigan mo, kung nakauwi ka na at nakapagpahinga na
Nababaliw ako sa kakaisip sayo pag malayo ka
Pero nasasaktan naman ako pag kasama ka

Mahal,

Pag kasama kita gustong gusto kitang hawakan
pero pilit kong pinipigilan ang sarili ko mahal
pero gustong gusto ko mahal!
Gustong gusto ko!
Gusto kong yakapin yung braso mo para masabi ko na akin ka din
Gusto kong idantay ang ulo ko sa balikat mo para masabi ko din na may sumusuporta saken
Gusto kong humiga sa dibdib mo para maramdaman ko ang alab na nagpainit sa puso kong matagal ng malamig
Gusto kong yakapin ka ng mahigpit ng para maiparamdam ko naman sayo na mahal na mahal na mahal kita
Pero lagi kong pinipigilan ang sarili ko
Baka kasi tuluyan nakong makalimutan at madala sa sobrang pagmamahal ko sayo

Mahal,

Natatandaan mo pa ba nung naglalakad tayo?
Nung biglang sinabi mong ang lungkot lungkot ng buhay ko
Na kahit pa nakangiti ako eh kitang kita mo sa mga mata ko na malungkot
Sa totoo lang mahal, nagulat ako nun at natakot
Pilit kasi ako nagpapakatatag nun, dahil tama ka, malungkot ako
dahil ung gabi bago ung araw na yun, sinabi ng lalaking tinatangi ko na hindi nya akong kayang mahalin

Mahal,

Di ko inakala na sasabihin ko yun muli
Na hihiling ako muli ng imposible
Alam ko isa yong malaking kahibangan pero
nung gabing yon
nung sinabi mong hindi mo akong kayang mahalin
Hinilig ko na sana babae nalang ako
Alam ko kasi yun lang ang paraan para mahalin mo rin ako

Mahal,

gusto kong sumigaw
gusto kong magalet
gusto kong sumabog
dahil kahit ano pang talino at talento ko
At kahit pa anong bida ko sa lahat ng kakayahan ko
wala akong magagawa para mahalin ako ng lalaking pinakamamahal ko

Mahal,

Alam mo ba na sobrang bilib ako sayo?
Napakagaling mo kasi mahal
Di mo lang alam isa ka sa mga taong hinahangaan ko
Marami akong bagay na natutunan sayo
Kaya alam ko mahal magtatagumpay ka sa buhay mo
Kaya tuparin mo yung mga pangarap mo kahit na wala na ako
Hindi mo ako kelangan para tuparin ang mga yon
Alam ko at naniniwala ako kaya mo mahal.
Kayang kaya mo.

Mahal,

Gusto ko man sabihin na babalik ako, hindi ko magawa
Dahil hindi ko alam kung ilang araw, ilang linggo, ilang buwan, taon o dekada ko dadalhin sa puso ko ang damdamin ko para sayo
Ganun talaga siguro ang buhay natin
May darating, may aalis
Sa pagkakataong ito, ako ang aalis
dahil yun ang pinakamainam para sa'ting dalawa
sabihin mo na na ginagawa ko ito upang tumakas
kasi di katulad ng inaakala mo
mahina ako.
Napipilitan lang akong maging malakas at matapang
dahil wala namang gagawa nun para saken
tama ka, malungkot ang buhay ko.
at salamat at pinaligaya mo ako kahit sa maikling panahon na magkasama tayo

Hanggang dito nalang Mahal.
Hangad ko ang kaligayahan mo.
Mahal na mahal na mahal na mahal kita.

Paglisan I, Pebrero 2017

Paglisan II, Pebrero 2017

Darating ang araw na iiwanan mo ako Mawawala ang saysay ko sa buhay mo Magiging isang inutil na lamang Walang magawang bagay para sa iyo Ngunit bago pa dumating ang araw na iyon Iiwan na kita, mahal ko Parang isang ektrang tuluyan nang natapos ang eksena Lilisanin na ang entablado na kanina lang ay kabilang ako Ngunit bago pa isara ang telon Ako'y mawawala, ako'y maglalaho Dahil sa araw na iyon ako ang mang-iiwan Sa gayon ako ang may kasalanan sa ating paghihiwalay Babawiin ko na ang puso kong inaalay ko sayo Mawawala na ang halimuyak ng aking katawan sa piling mo Maglalaho ako ng tuluyan sa buhay mo Pawang isang aparisyon na biglang dumating at bigla ding nawala Katulad ng isang alingawngaw na nauubos ang enerhiya Sunud sunod ang buga ngunit pahina ng pahina Sisigaw na muli ang katahimikan sa iyong patay na oras Magagawa ng muli bumulong ng hangin sa iyong mga tenga Ikakahon ko ang pagmamahal ko sayo Itatali ng mahigpit at isasara ng matuwid Itatago sa kailaliman ng kweba ng aking nagyeyelong puso Ikukubli muli sa nyebe ang tunay na nararamdaman ko Patawarin mo ako dahil hindi ko na magawang lumaban Masakit para sa akin gawin ito Aalis ako, hindi dahil hindi kita mahal Aalis ako, dahil iyon ang makakabuti para sa iyo Aalis ako, dahil yun ang dapat Aalis ako, dahil yun ang tama Mahal na mahal kita, kaya aalis ako mahal. Mahal na mahal kita, paalam, mahal ko.

Paano nako mahal sa iyong pag-alis? Hindi kita makakausap Hindi kita mahahawakan Hindi kita mayayakap Hindi ko alam ko paano ko maipaparamdam kung gaano kita minamahal Sagutin mo naman ang tanong ko mahal. Makakaya ko pa kung ilang kilometro lang ang layo natin Ngunit dagat ang syang magpapahiwalay sa atin Hindi kita matutulungan sa oras ng iyong pangangailangan Hindi kita masasamahan sa oras ng iyong kagipitan Hindi kita mahahagkan sa oras ng iyong kapaguran Paano nako mahal? Sabihin mo! Maawa ka naman sa akin Ikaw lang ang tanging nagbibigay sakin ng lakas Paano nako lalaban kung wala ka sa piling ko? Unti-unti akong namamatay sa paglapit ng iyong paglisan Parang isang sintensya sa aking puso habang ako'y buhay Hindi na ba talaga kita mapipigilan? Ayokong maging hadlang sa iyong mga pangarap Ngunit gusto ko lang malaman kung paano nako Ano na ba ang gagampanan ko sa buhay mo? Iiwan mo ako, ano pa bang saysay ko? Isang hamak na nanlilimos ng oras mo Paano mo na ba ako iiwan? Paulit ulit na naglalaro sa utak ko Ang sandaling tatalikuran mo na ako Lalakad palayo at mawawala ng tuluyan Lilisanin ang pook na iyon Tangan ang buhay ko

I was dumbstruck when I read that particular post. I felt uneasy all throught out my jeepney ride home. My mind completely dittoing the cloudy sky. I gave a deep sigh after disembarking from the PUJ. The weather truly sympathetic...

I closed my eyes and gave another sigh as I sat down on my monobloc chair. The post reverberating into the deepest corners of my heart. I slumped lazily as my mind drifted to the abyss.

But then again, my mind begged to differ. Should I really be affected? Should I really think that it's about me?

I guess I still do have feelings for him. But why should I hold on to something that was never there to begin with? I'm just fed up with false hopes and make-believes. This is probably a wake up call; The only difference is that it came from him.

yup. We will part ways... I'll make sure of it...

Kamusta lovelife?

That's probably the most common question I hear when catching up with friends in the metro. I usually reply with the generic: Wala. Zero.

But with friends in Bataan, the usual question is, Kamusta na kayo ni Prince Charming?

To put it bluntly, I moved on. Yes there was this silver lining, for moment, that I saw with him. But I have already accepted the reality that my supposed "Prince Charming" is not the Prince for me.

Next question pops up. Ganun ka kabilis mag-move on?

I can't just move on in just a snap but I guess for this instance, the process was swift. Probably because I didn't put much emotional investment on this. It was from the start, a game of cat and mouse. There were too many loose ends cloaked in denials and lies. It was apparent that it was simply an opportunity but unfeasible from the start.

I made a mistake before when I fell in love with a coward and a fraud who treated me like a piece of trash after he was done with me. Along with that came my broken heart and shattered dreams. I dreamed that we can be a team. I dreamed that we can fulfill a common endeavor. But he left me. Without a clear explanation why and what happened. He just threw me out of his life. And I was left alone to gather the pieces of me and the dream that I made for the two of us.

It's funny that I once mentioned that I would work in my current company and finance his Masters in my Alma Mater. Though that time I was still working in a different company. And look where I am now, working in this company that I never thought will accept me, and look where he is, I think still being that closetted sexual predator. If this story intrigues you, I suggest you read The Angel of Torment series. You can read all about it there.

Anyhoo, back to the real topic. I guess, this didn't shatter me enough to make it a big deal. Like they say, what doesn't kill you make you stronger. Yep. I'm stronger alright.

Many people are shocked when they find out that I preferred to be called Tito by my nephews and nieces. It's really not much of deal. I just like it that way. But upon thinking about, I think I know why.

Hmmm... I guess I am still a male figure in the family. I'm still the younger "brother" and that corresponds to being the Tito for my nephews and nieces. It doesn't bother me at all since I don't want them to be confused. I'm all for the gender identity thing, but I want my nephews and nieces first to learn the differences between male and female are before they explore the complexity of my sexual preference.

Think of it like this, I want them first to learn one plus one before I teach them how to solve the square root of nine-four-nine-point-seven-five plus the cube root of one-zero-four-point-six-three all over forty seven.

I am my own identity and I'm sure they have there own version of what my identity is for them. Probably, the tito who tutors them in their english, math, and science subjects.

I was busy making my slides for the workshop I was going to spearhead when a very peculiar headline from my Rappler news feed popped out.

'My Husband's Lover' bill

I'm sure if you know me, you know by now that I dab into the legal stuff even though I'm an Engineer by profession. I immediately clicked the link and was directed to the article. At first, I was amused with the title; but that quickly dissipated when I read what the article was about. Albay representative Edcel Lagman filed the so called My Husband's Lover Bill.

"His proposed law seeks to provide wives and husbands the option to sue their partners who are committing same-sex adultery.

Dubbed as the "My Husband's Lover" bill, the measure seeks to broaden the definition of adultery under Article 333 of the Revised Penal Code to include same-sex extramarital affairs.
-Rappler

For discussion purposes, I will be speaking in the view of a gay man since it is the kind of homosexuality I am most familair with. But that doesn't mean what I'm saying does not apply to lesbians and bisexuals.

I understand Rep Lagman's ideals for equality. I understand it too well. But as much as I want to support this equality bill of his, I think there are things to be acknowledged first before we talk about this issue.

#1 Pass the Anti-discrimination Bill.
Fear of discrimination from society is the number one reason why gay men hide in the closet. They deny what they truly feel since it is not the norm. That is why they do great lengths to keep their real identity hidden, even going as far as marrying a woman so as not be disgraced from being a homosexual.

But even though these gay men are "happily" married, a certain aspect of their life is not fulfilled. That is why their homosexual tendencies haunt them. Until finally, they give in to temptation and have a secret love affair with one of their kumpares.

Point is, regardless if the relationship with the third party was just about sex or love, these men were gay from the start who forced themselves to not accept who they truly are because of fear of discrimination. That is the root of this problem, and it should be the one to be addressed. The My Husband's Lover Bill just cure the symptom but not really the cause. That is why the passing of the Anti-discrimination Bill is in order to lessen or even eradicate the fear of discrimination amongst the LGBT ranks. Thereby, lowering the cases of closetted gay men marrying females.

#2 Acknowledgement that Same-sex relationships are legitimate. Allow Same sex marriages.
We were told when we were kids that having a family of your own is one of the greatest joys of life. Guess what? It's true! That is why the Philippine government should allow same sex marriage so that homosexual couples can have the same rights as hetero couples. The right to create a family and kinship will be awarded to the homosexual couple. There is no need to create a fake normal family just to be happy.

#3 Empower the spouses. Pass a Divorce Law.
After finding out that your husband is gay who has a relationship with his bestfriend (whoa! My Husband's Lover's plot!) and there's this law that will punish them, what are you going to do? Of course, you file a law suit against them. Then after winning the case what's next? You live with your husband again with the hope that you continue your married life and live happily ever after? Duh! The legal wife's only legal remedy is legal separation to avoid that awkward scenario. But then again, this is the case with heterosexual couples too when the husband keeps a concubine. Though with the heterosexual couple, there is a chance to salvage the marriage since they can still be attracted to one another, but it's not the same with the earlier case. A fully enlightened gay man will never sleep with a woman. EVER AGAIN.

#4 Complicated scenarios
Before I go and give my approval to this, I want the lawmakers to answer how they are going to handle these situations.

The Husband is Bisexual.
Since teh husband is bisexual, he has two sexual needs. One for a woman, and one for a man. And we all know that sexual satisfaction is a need. How can this case be handled then?

The Husband and Wife conspired to extract money from the third party but that didn't go as planned.
Suppose that the wife knows that her husband is a boytoy of a rich third party gay man, but she connived with her husband so that they can profit from this gay man. But eventually her husband truly fell in love with the rich gay man and left his wife. Then the wife filed a case, how will this be treated? After all, with her conniving with her husband initially, she gave her blessing with the relationship.

---

Again, I am all for the equal protection of rights. But there are things that needs to be addressed first before we homosexuals are put into bad light as home wreckers.

WOUNDED SOLDIER
by Wilter von Phar
the sound echoed, a falling mass of tin
knees kissed the ground, amaranth wounds unseen
eyes closed, sky's empathy, poured the rain
cold, broken, and misplaced. Such, a sword in pain
This was inspired by a story that an acquaintance was nabasted. Though, I tried to portray the figure in the piece as masculine, bits and pieces of my own emotions were inputted in.

Partly, I think I empathize with him. Since I know the pain of rejection all too well. Also, having suffered a loss in my heart just recently. I can imagine the heaviness of air around him right now. But I know he will follow through. Though we may not be close friends and talk just casually, my dyosa powers tell me that this is just a hump on his road.

This ones for you.

My blood baro-metrics rose after I read the headlines in my Rappler feed last Wednesday morning:

Retired generals want ROTC back in colleges

DA FUCK!!!!

"(More than) 10 years after the abolition of the ROTC as mandatory program, there is now a growing sentiment that the national defense preparedness of our nation has not been served well since the alternative programs in the National Service Training Program are deemed insufficient to inculcate the values of discipline and patriotism required of every citizen and do not address the military training ideally required of every citizen," AGFO said. -GMA News

I would react to this in points:

Point #1: Patriotism and Discipline = Military Service???
I don't understand why these Generals (well former Generals) always equate Patriotism and Discipline with Military Training. Well in a sense it is true but we can all agree that Military training is not the only way to develop patriotism and discipline. A prime example is our Pambansang Kamao, a Filipino Athlete. Athletics is yet another venue to develop patriotism and discpline. The discipline required for training to become an athlete and the glory of representing your country to international games are the same output as military training in terms of discipline and patriotism.

If the military is really a training ground for patriotism and discipline, why is the military plagued with corruption and abuse of power? Isn't that the reason why the Magdalo group staged a coup d'tat? Let's not forget the pabaon system for the retiring AFP Chief of staff which was exposed by George Rabusa, former budget officer. AFP Comptrollers General Jacinto Ligot and General Carlos Garcia were primary accused. These GENERALS are the high ranking officials of the Armed Forces, yet there were no qualms in misusing taxpayers money. Where in this case in patriotism and discipline? Also, let's not forget about former AFP Chief Angelo Reyes who committed suicide because he is compelled to testify on the matter. I know it is wrong to bad mouth a dead person, but if REAL PATRIOTISM was instilled in this FORMER HIGHEST RANKING MILITARY OFFICIAL, he should have faced the Inquiry and spilled the beans! Even after his death he still owes us, his countrymen, the truth behind this corruption!

Let us now consider the recent headline that I read in my newsfeed. A certain General is allegedly abusing his authority by commanding troops under him to construct his personal home and is using provisions for military gas for his personal use. Where's the discipline in that?

Military service = Patriotism and Discipline? Bleh!

Point #2: Key phrase, the military training ideally required of every citizen
First, let as attack the phrase this way. If military training is a must for "every citizen" why is it that ROTC is only mandatory for the Male youth? It should mandatory to all and not just the male youth. But similarly, this military training for every citizen is already encompassed in the high school subject, Citizen's Army Training (CAT). Even the name of the subject itself summarizes what the AGFO wants. It's an Army Training for every citizen that is integrated in the Secondary Education Curriculum.

In my personal experience, CAT is nothing but a nuisance. I had to wake up early on a Saturday and go to school. There for half a day, we will be just be shouted by our batchmates who endured the same shouting the year before. We were commanded to look to left, the right, and march like there's no tomorrow. Then we are forced to shoulder punishments for the offenses did by other members of our platoon. We were screamed to squat, do push ups, jumping jacks, and pumpings. As part credit for CAT, we were required to attend a Say No to Drugs campaign. Honestly, I don't know what we did, we just simply marched around the Tondo neighborhood with streamers and slogans. Now, is that MILITARY TRAINING? HELL NO!!! Take note! CAT is also handled by Military officers!

Although I have doubts in the effectiveness of CAT for the required military training for every citizen, it still addresses the fact that there is already an existing COMPULSORY Army training that every citizen must take. Why add another?

Point #3: NSTP insufficent?
The National Service Training Program is promulgated by Republic Act 9163 which was catalyzed to enactment by the death of one, Mark Welson Chua. Of course the NSTP does not fully address the military training that they want. It was designed to give the students a choice to take ROTC or not. The law requires students male or female to render personal, military, or civil service for the country. It is therefore a service to the country regardless if its military in nature or not. It's PATRIOTISM in general not AGFO's crude definition of it.

Point #4: Nation Defense Preparedness
I can never contest the fact that every Filipino has the responsibility to defend our Motherland. But one can agree that there is greater responsibility for the soldiers whose main job is to defend our country and ensure peace and order. Why waste time on getting more reserve troops when you can just focus on strengthening and improving the skills of our Front line forces?

Although I didn't take ROTC during my college years, I feel as though the "Training" that the students received is not at par to be "national defense" ready. It's just like CAT; only, the students are in college. The same trash talk, the same shit of command hierarchy, and the same old boring march till you die under the ever so hot shining sun or the wet under the blanket of rain clouds. I don't have first hand experience on this, but just like everyone else, I was once a student. So taking into context that ROTC is just another subject, the students probably skip classes because its BORING. You stand in formation, get punished for an offense you didn't do, and talk to a douchebag officer who thinks his the king of the world since he's your superior. At the end of the day, students who took this "training" are non-combatants. One cannot expect them to contribute effectively in a war.

Forcing students to take the course and then concluding that every single one of the cadets are quality cadets is grave miscalculation. This is just quantity over quality. AGFO just wants more bodies to be considered cadets while not giving consideration on the quality of cadets the have. Stupidity at its finest.

Point #5: Mark Welson Chua
If you want one big reason why ROTC should not be made mandatory again, just think of Mark Welson Chua. He exposed the corruption hidden behind the ROTC program. He paid dearly for his courage and true sense of patriotism. His gruesome murder sparked the reform in that corrupt operation. For that I am very much grateful to him. Because of him, I enjoyed having the right to choose Literacy Training Service as my NSTP. His death will be in vain if the ROTC will once again be made mandatory. The cycle will just begin anew since the temptation of having too much power over a group of people is just so hard to resist.

I will never be in favor of having the ROTC mandatory again. My two nephews will be the ones affected by this. I want them to enjoy having the right to choose what type of service that they want to render for the country. IF they want to choose ROTC, then it's their own prerogative but at least I have a peace of mind that they are doing that in their own accord and it was not forced on them.

Walang plastikan.

Hinintay ko buong magdamag na igreet nya ako kahapon dahil birthday ko. At sa pagmulat ng mata ko kanina, cellphone ko agad yung una kong hinanap. Nagbakasakali na naalala nya yung birthday ko kahit tapos na.

Wala. Hindi dumating yung mensaheng iniintay ko.

Tama nga ako. Hindi ko alam bakit pa ako nagdalawang isip pa. Siguro kasi talagang nagmahal lang talaga ako. Ang weird noh? Nagmahal na wala namang ginagawa saken. Ganun talaga pag naiinlove dahil sa chemicals. Wahahahah!

At least ngayon I can have a stronger resolve na wala na talaga. Ayoko din naman maging flavor of the month ulet. Wala. Wala na ang pagmamahal ko sa kanya. Lumipas na yung pagmamahal na inalay ko na hindi naman nya pinansin. So there is nothing left to do but to completely move on.

Kaya ko. I've been here multiple times.

Maraming klase daw ang pagmamahal. Though hindi ako isang Psychology major, masasabi ko na may itong iba't ibang klaseng iba iba din ang lebel nito depende sa importansya nito sa tao. Yung iba importante ang sexual love; Familial love sa iba. Dakila din talaga yung mas mahalaga ang selfless love. Masarap din saksakin yung mga narcissistic love ang mahalaga. Iba, nababaliw sa romantic love. Pero sabi ko nga, iba iba ang importansya nya sa mga tao depende kung ano ang kinamulatan at pangangailangan nila.

Ako. Dahil masasabi ko na mahalaga saken ang mga pagmamahal na ito in ascending order: Familial love, Love of Friendship, Romantic love, selfless love, sexual love.

Oh baka isipin nyo amplastic plastik ko na yung sexual love yung pinakahuli. Take note lang po natin na ang kalibugan o lust ay hindi expression of love. It's a selfish satisfaction of one's earthly desire; As oppose to sexual love na "love" in a sense na exchange of passionate feelings.

Anyway, going back to my love hierarchy... Syempre unang una pa din ang love of kinship o ang pagmamahal na mula sa pamilya. Maswerte ako na tanggap ako ng pamilya ko bilang ako. Napagtanto ko habang lumalaki ako na pag may problema ako sa bahay mas madali akong mastress than usual. Although, lumaki akong pasaway na laging umaalis ng madaling araw nung high school ako, ayun, maswerte talaga ako na may kultura nga pagtanggap, pagpapatawad, at pagbibigay laya sa pamilya namin.

Love of friendship na yung sumunod. Let it be on record that I treasure my friends. I am a very loyal person especially to those people who earned them. Kaya nga I'm very careful whom I choose to interact with. As much as possible I stay away from people who show/have red flag traits. The Red Flag traits are: Mayabang, Plastik, Feeling Maganda, Feeling Matalino, Bobo, Walang Leadership Quality, Social Climber, Liar, Traitor, Predator. Mula sa pinakasimple hanggang sa talaga namang kahindik hindik na traits. Mas gugustuhin ko pang maging friends sa mga Serial killer na alam ko hindi ako sasaksakin sa likod noh dahil hihingi sya ng tulong saken na idispose yung katawan ng biktima nya kesa maging friends sa mga plastik.

Mas importante saken ang Friendship love kesa sa Romantic love. Kaya ko mainlove sa iba't ibang tao, pero yung friendship na kayang ioffer sa mga kaibigan ko. Special yun sa bawat isa. Hindi pantay pantay ang tingin ko sa mga kaibigan ko. Perong mas importante saken kaysa sa iba. Hindi nko magpapakaplastik. Totoo yun. May special treatment ako sa iba. Yun ang reaosn kaya I will never (again) break the line of friendship and romance. I crashed and burned nung ginawa ko yun. Ayoko na maramdaman ulet yung panghihinyang dahil lang I went to far with my emotions.

hmmmp... Moving on to romantic love. Pag ako nainlove wagas. Kaya pag ako nasaktan wagas din. At ang tanging sandigan pag nasasaktan nah... Kaibigan! Kaya mas mahalaga ang friendship love noh! Pero pag umabot ako sa point na everything feels right. Ay! Full force ang dyosang itey!

Pag ako nagmahal ng tao, lahat ibibigay ko. Imbis na para saken para sa kanila nalang. Selfless love na itu! *cue Only Selfless love!*

Tsaka palang papasok yung Sexual love or intimacy. Ewan ko, iba kasi pag may pagmamahal na kasama ang sex eh, yung hindi libog lang. Promise iba. Hindi fulfilling yun eh.

At finally naexplain ko na yung love para saken at importansya nito sa buhay ko. Ngayon, try ko naman iexplain kung bakit para saken may expiration date ang pagmamahal.

Ngayon sinasabi ko na hindi sa lahat nang tao mag-aapply etong mga sasabihin ko. Iba iba tayo ng outlook sa buhay, proof nyan eh iba iba nga tayo ng LOVE na gustong maramdaman.

Para saken, in some degree pwedeng optional nalang yung last three sa hierarchy of love ko. "in some degree" lang kasi alam ko naman hindi din ako mabubuhay ng wala yung mga yun paminsan minsan. Pwede namang walang jowa pero minsan you want to feel that "importance" sa ibang tao. Pwede din naman ako maging selfish at gawin lahat ng gusto ko pero i'm naturally benevolent naman so masasabi kong selfless ako in some degree. Hindi din naman ako sexually active for a long time, pero I really get the feeling na tigang ako lately.

Pero pag ako nainlove sa lalake, laging more than friendship ang hanap ko. Meaning romantic love. Kahit hindi nya ireciprocate minsan nag-eevolve ito sa pagiging selfless love. Magpapatuloy ang pagmamahal na yun hangga't s akaya pa ng puso kong stubborn. Pero once na magmaliw na yung nararamdaman ko, the longing for the romantic love. Nawawala din ang pagmamahal na yun. Ganun talaga pag hindi inaalagaan ang pagmamahal na inaalay mo sa isang tao.

Sinusubukan ko naman laging maghold on, hangga't kaya pa ng puso ko, maghohold on ako. Pero katulad ng lahat ng tao, napapagod din ako, ganun din ang puso ko. Nawawala din yung pagmamahal na inaalay mo sa isang tao kung puro sakit at pangungulila lang ang binibigay nung taong yun sayo.

Parang ngayon, akala ko si Prince Charming na yung lalakeng pinagdasal ko pa kay San Pedro Calunsod. Pero ngayon halos hindi ko na maramdaman yung pagmamahal sa kanya. Dati iniisip ko sya palagi, ngayon parang wala na. Ni hindi na tumitibok yung puso ko ng mabilis pag nakita ko sya sa Facebook feed ko. Alam ko dapat nagsasaktan ako ngayon dahil wala na sya, pero parang wala lang. Minsan naiinggit ako kay Eric ng My Husband's Lover (played by Dennis Trillo) kasi pag nasasaktan sya, nakakaiyak sya. Ako. Wala na. Manhind na eh. Eto na yung sinsasabing expiration ng pagmamahal. Alam ko alam nya na mahal ko sya, but we both chose not to get it to a higher notch. Madami din kasi ako talagang issues na hindi pa naayos sa sarili ko. Kaya talangang hindi na magwowork out pah.

Basta dapat pag mahal ka, at mahal mo din. Alagaan mo para hindi magexpire yung pagmamahal nyo sa isa't isa. Ang love parang apoy kung hindi mo to lalagyan ng panggatong hindi ito magniningas ng malaki at mainit. Diba ganun ang pagmamahalan? Dapat laging mainit.

It's already been a month since the controversial airing of the pilot of my new addiction, My Husband's Lover. It's also been weeks after the CBCP gave a "reminder" about the show's sensitive theme. Only to be, sorry there is no word for it, masupalpal with GMA's statement about the show.

“GMA Network welcomes the scrutiny of the Catholic Bishops Conference of the Philippines (CBCP) of our primetime program ‘My Husband’s Lover’. We believe that our program while tackling sensitive real-life situations is produced with utmost prudence and in good taste. The Movie and Television Review and Classification Board or MTRCB has given the program an SPG (Strong Parental Guidance) rating and GMA is committed to comply with all its standards.

We would like to thank all the viewers of ‘My Husband’s Lover’ for supporting our program not just by watching it but via intelligent discussions and comments in all forms of media. The Kapuso Network is pleased with the high ratings that ‘My Husband’s Lover’ has achieved in its first two weeks and would like to assure the Filipino audience that we will continue to produce relevant and entertaining programs.” - GMA Network

I think this is just a battle Open-minded people vs close-minded people. I really don't get what their concern is with the show. There always this concern about the youth with the likes of CBCP. Honestly, I really don't know why they are concerned. Here's my comment to this guy. He commented in Jessica Zafra's article in Interaksyon.com and he, just like the CBCP, is concerned about the youth having Gender Confusion. I was trying to comment but kept receiving error messages. So here is my reply to him.

Let's chop it too.

1st issue: Taga Tondo ako so I guess kahit hindi ko personally nakita yung mga taga-riles sa Blumentritt at eskinita sa QC, I have credibility to say I know this people with "given socio economic status". Question. Pag mahirap, bobo agad? this is what "given their socio economic status" implies right? These people are parents too. You don't need a college diploma to explain to your kids what the show is trying to impart. Also, the rating SPG does not mean your kids can't watch it and the parents should turn of the TV when it is rated SPG. STRIKTONG PATNUBAY NG MAGULANG means the parents should be their with the kids while their watching it so as to avoid confusion and the parents can explain the matter to them at real time. Let the parents do their job as parents, at least give them that chance.

2nd issue: We have confusion. Then realization. Then conclusion. That's how people learn. Try remembering your first math class. Nuff said.

3rd issue: Let the kids decide if they want to watch it. Then stick to the SPG rating with the parents watching it with them. Matalino pala ang mga bata ngayon eh. Let them use their brains and think about the show's message. She's right you know. We start as gay kids and grow up as gay men. Gay Professional Men who contribute well to the society. Also, hindi ka magiging bakla pag nanuod ka ng My Husband's Lover. Bakit magkakaron ng confusion ang mga bata just from watching the show? Baka naman what your trying to say is baka makarelate sila? Di kaya?

I will iterate...

HINDI NAKAKABAKLA PANUORIN ANG MY HUSBAND'S LOVER

The show is a reflection of what is happening to the society. The show depicts real life that everything is believable. Also, in terms of execution, tt is the prime example that you don't need flesh exposure or kissing scenes between two males to make the show appealing to the gay milieu. The simple scenes that we can relate to and the kilig moments are enough to keep us hooked.

That is why I don't see anything wrong with the show. It is done in good taste and well applies to the masses curious buds.

I was reading my News Feed from Rappler when this article caught my attention.


**Source**
The cartoon really said it all. See the roots? The Pandacan Oil Depots are rooted to that area; They will leave a big hole if they are removed.

My 1st question after I read the Rappler article, "Why are they always pointing their fingers at the Pandacan Oil Depots?" Is it that easy to just blame the depots for every disaster that Metro Manila encounters related to Petroleum?

The recent Oil Spill in Sta. Ana, Manila revived the unending call for the ousting of the Oil Depots in Pandacan Manila. The City of Manila ordered the closure of the depot in Sta. Ana following the Oil Spill. This will not be the case in with the Pandancan Oil Depots since they follow international standards just like what the Rappler article said. SO WHY BOTHER REMOVING THEM???

Regarding the Pipeline leak, it is owned and operated by First Philippine Industrial Corporation (FPIC). In my opinion, any fault or consequence resulting from this incident should be directly thrown to FPIC. The transfer of stream from Batangas to the Pandacan Depots is contracted out to FPIC. FPIC should be the one maintaining the pipe not whoever contracted them.

As with the City Council of Manila, the primary concern is SAFETY. But then again, as the Rappler article pointed out, there is no Government Agency tasked to really monitor this type of businesses. But in my point of view, since DOLE is the one tasked with handling Permits to Operate Boiler, Steam turbines, etc. I think DOLE should be the one handling this. The real problem here is that there are no rules regarding how frequent maintenance of Pipes that extends that long. It would be easier to just create an addendum to the Occupational Safety and Health Standards (which covers Boilers and such) about a pipeline that extends to a certain length. Problem solved!

I believe that people don't really understand why the depots located in the heart in Manila. It's a strategic area and ousting them there will have great ripple effects in our lives. Here's a simple thought: the oil prices are already high when the depots are here in Manila, what more when they are located in the provinces? Probably to make it cheaper they will just have gas stations in Expressways. That way, they have minimal investment in supplying the oil.

The Depots should stay. Period.

I feel different...

I...

My heart is numb... I can't feel it anymore...

Nothing but a hole lies in the center of my chest.

The overflowing love has run dry. GONE. Like A plant that withered and died. Like a flame that has no more fuel to burn.

I feel no pain, just this numb feeling. A feeling of emptiness. As if something is missing.

I'm in this familiar space again. This cramped world that I had been to countless of times. I know why I am here. I know the reason why I am here again. I have become complacent with the feelings I have with Prince Charming. This is now the time that I will bargain with myself if I will push through with my feelings or not.

I loved so many times before. I have been hurt the same number of times. Every scar in my heart is a proof of the way I love. But every time that I come to the point that I feel good about the relationship, external factors unknown to me always get in the way.

There is this thin wall of uncertainty that Prince Charming and I share. Every time we text, at the back of my mind there is always this nagging feeling that he doesn't have the same feelings for me. That this, yet again, is another make-believe. That is why my heart is doing its interlock so to speak. It's defensive measure after countless of times of being scarred.

I'm beginning to question everything again. Why does he text me? Why does he talk to me? Why is it that he asked me for help? Why is it that he sends mixed signals? Why does something that feel so good can be untrue? Why can't be together? Why do I feel that he is so distant? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY?

I guess I'm just scared. I'll lose my mind if I will think about it too much.

I was a bit tense that Wednesday afternoon. I couldn't focus on the document that I was working on. If you ask Mr. Webster, I'm sure he'll tell you that anxious is the adjective that describes me perfectly in that instance. My mind was a smorgasbord of things from my work items and scenarios with the object of my affection.

I know Prince Charming was coming to the office. I was texting him the previous night and he said that he will give me his pasalubong from Puerto G that day. He didn't give a specific time, so I figured he will drop by our office after his shift. That will be around 2PM.

Exactly 1:37 PM, my throat ran dry; Probably from the anxiety. I took my water bottle and went to the pantry. I zoned out mindlessly as I fill up my water bottle. I went back to my office table afterwards. My laptop time showed 1:40 PM. "Gosh! Time goes slowly when your anxious!", I exclaimed in my head.

I tried to calm down by doing extra-curricular work. I was designing something for my special project. Damn. Still can't focus. Prince Charming's face keeps popping up! Fortunately, our manager gave me a new task through email. It was urgent so I slapped myself with my ghost hand and tried to focus on the task at hand.

I was finalizing my email with someone when Ate Nympa called my attention:

"Oh Tita Whil, 2 o'clock na. Nasan na sya?"

Uu nga. Nasan na nga sya? Words in my head. Well I was prepared for the worst anyway. Probably he forgot about it. I know he doesn't bring his cellphone to so he couldn't text me. I decided to look for him. I opened our door looked sideways. I just gave a deep sigh when he was not there. I went to the HR because I saw a crowd by the door. He was not there too. I loitered for about five good minutes then decided to end my search. It was in vain anyway.

I sat down my chair trying to calm my chagrin. I just focused on the email I was composing because I had it send it out before end of day. Oh well. Ganun talaga ang buhay.

I just clicked the send button when there was a knock on the door. The door opened and Prince Charming's head popped in. I turned my head to the direction of the wall to try to hide my kilig face from my colleagues. I opened my top drawer and took out my gift for him.

Finally I went to the door. I closed my eyes, bit my lip then turned the knob and opened that slab of wood. He smiled and raised his hand holding a seashell.

"Nabura eh. Nabura ung isang letter.", he said as he handed me his pasalubong.

"Okay lang yun.", I said smiling.

He then began to walk away. I was still holding my gift to him in my hand. I became conscious of the people in the corridor. I backed down from giving him my gift.

I returned to my work station. I tried my best not to look at the faces of my officemates. But I'm pretty sure they all look something like this:

After five short minutes I stood up and decided to give it to him. I have waited a long time to give that shirt. I went to the HR since I believe he had some business there. But a crowd lingered by the door so I still couldn't give it to him without getting an impression from the spectators.

That happened at least three times more of me backing down to give him my gift. I just decided to text him to inform him that I forgot to give him my gift to him. He replied that I can give it to him the next day.

My big smile was plastered on the face that cause a little teasing from the people in the office. There must've been a little blushing on the side too.

I contemplated where I would use my new seashell keychain. First, I thought I should replace my strawberry keychain and use it for my house keys. But I went against it since I lend my keys to others. Then I had an idea. There is just one place where it is perfect to place.

My one of a kind seashell kitchen with the letters "Whi" on my black Jansport Office use bag. =D

Protego Maxima! Fianto Duri! Repello Inimicum!
Protego Horribilis! Protego Totalum!
Just five more days before we, Refiners Batch 12, are officially regular employees of our company. I empathize with the boys when they say Nakakapagod, nakakatamad, nakakabanas yung supervisor and all other complaints they can say. Really. I empathize.

Last week is probably the most stressful (yet) week I had with our section. Probably because of the tons of work to be done. Both in line and extra curricular. Swear! I empathize with the boys. Though I know their designation mainly takes a blitzkrieg in the physical aspect, mine tend to foray into the mental and emotional.

I just hope I don't hear insensitive comments anymore. I mean, I'm trying my best to balance out everything. Like I said, the more things they put on my plate, the more it will be put on hold depending on the urgency. Though I know I am the new one, I CANNOT LEARN EVERYTHING AT THE SAME TIME. I know I'm Superwoman but damn, Superwoman cannot handle Metropolis and Smallville at the same time! I'm trying to juggle tons of documents, and I mean tons. Then they expect me TO CHAPERONE people whom can perform the task without me, then ASK me to do things they can perfectly do themselves.

HAAAAY!!!

Anyway, I say this words for myself and for the whole Refiners Batch 12.

Fianto Duri!

by etymology: Latin: "fiant" meaning "become", "duri" plural of the Latin word durus meaning "hard".

Altogether, Fianto Duri means become hard.

Become hard to the relentless culture within our company.

Become hard to the harsh environment that we all are exposed too whether physical, mental, psychological, or emotional.

Become hard and determined, that just a few more days, we have proven ourselves worthy to be regular employees.

Isang linggo ko na din ineenjoy yung lamig ng bagong kabit kong aircon sa bahay ko sa Limay. Eh wala din naman akong choice. Biglang nasira din yung electric fan ko kaya kung hindi ko gagamitin yung aircon saksakan ng init sa bahay ko. Sabi ng kapitbahay at fellow Refiners Batch 12 member ko na si Mayor, naubusan daw ng oil yun kaya ayaw umikot. Actually hindi ko naintindihan yun. kaya hindi ko nalang din sya kinulet para magexplain.

Kahapon matapos kong magsend ng gm sa mga boys, naloka din ako sa gm na nareceive ko.

Ang init init daw sabi ni Prince Charming.

hmmmmp...

Honestly, natempt akong magreply ng...

*cue music from RENT!*

Live in my house, I'll be your shelter
Just pay me back with one thousand kisses
Be my lover... and I'll cover you...

Natempt talaga akong iinvite sya na saken nalang sya tumira may aircon. Shet! I sound like a desperate bitch! Pero syempre pinigilan ako ng common sense at syempre iniisip ko pa din na he hates me. Yun lang din naman ang reason kaya hindi ako naooverpower ng obsessive tendencies ko eh. Sama mo na din na sobrang tambak ang work kaya hindi ko din sya maaasikaso sa bahay if ever (Yes! housewife ang peg!).

Oh well for now, tapusin muna ang trabaho at intayin ang regularization. Sa susunod, I will ask him. And I wont take no for an answer.

I came home that evening still feeling sticky and (hell there's no other word for it) yucky. That's how you would feel after going up six (6) tanks, three (3) which I needed to climb twice. It's even at the time the the sun is already up. Even though its before noon; Since we are wearing protective equipment, it is...

H O T - HOT!!!!
Even though I brought an extra shirt as change since I anticipated that I will have that icky feeling, it was not enough to remove that uncomfortableness.

I entered my unit's bathroom. A couple of more sighs to relieve that grotesque icky feel. I turned the faucet on to allow the water to fill my small tub. I just stood there thinking how tired I was for that day.

"...sinulit nila bayad nila saken ngayong araw na to ah... Umakyat na ng tanks, andami pang natapos na paperworks."

When the water depth was enough to accommodate my pink tabo, I scooped some water started to bathe. As soon as the first drop touched me, my slow mo sequence kicked in.

My body trembled to the satisfying coldness of the liquid being poured to me. I shook my head left and right with mouth wide open as if getting hallucinations from a party pill. I let the sensation pass first before getting some more of that pleasure liquid. It was the first time that I really felt cleansing power of water. I felt not just the dirty and grime wash away, but also the stress and fatigue from that very long day.

I stepped out the bathroom squeaky clean with revived spirits.

Sarap maligo!

A proud Pink Soldier amidst a sea of Wingmen
Next Friday will be the 5th monthsary that I was elected Secretary General of Refiners Batch 12. First, let me express my relief that I was not elected for the Presidency or the Vice Presidency. Though I know I can handle these positions, I strongly believe that my personality does not fit flawlessly with them. I am very much happy with the position given to me and that's one reason I am fulfilling it to the best of my ability despite my busy schedule.

I am proud to be part of Refiners Batch 12. With pride, I always mention that in every introduction that I do in the company. Of course, the batch has its negatives. Nevertheless, my loyalty and my concern for the batch is unmoved. To the point that if ever that I would need to choose from a co-worker or from someone from our batch... I'm sorry. I cannot be objective on this one since I already have inclination towards the boys.

Last week, I joined two inuman sessions organized by members of the batch in their respective work groups. First was Group 3 where my dear friend Albert is also a member. They introduced me to the other members as: "Si Whil. Secretary namin yan." Honestly, nakakataba ng puso. I never thought that they cared enough to introduce me and equate my name to the position they elected me to. The other session was with the self-proclaimed Line Trace Engineers of Utilities. Again, members of the batch introduced me with Secretary namin not far behind. I just can't help but feel appreciated. I never thought that my simple care and sense of duty for them, is something that they know and appreciate. Kakatouch

I will always be proud of our batch. Proud to be the sole "Out" Dyosa. Proud to be its Secretary General.

I was in the middle of thinking of a way to solve this particular concern regarding the forms when I suddenly got thirsty. I took my water bottle, which was on top of the most cluttered desk (mine) in our section, and proceeded to get some H two O in the pantry.

I was filling her up when my inattentive eyes met a gaze of someone familiar. He was holding a box of some sort. Of course, since I wasn't really expecting anyone, I helped myself with some of that hydration liquid non-nonchalantly.

When I stepped out of the pantry, curiosity got ahead of me. My head turned left and to my surprise it was prince charming. Charming as always, I thought.

"Oh, diba off mo?", I said, obviously surprised.

"Hindi ah, first day namin, pang-umaga na kami ngayon. Last day ng off namin kahapon.", he replied smiling.

I paused for five seconds and processed the information that I just heard.

Yep! Day Off na ng Group 3. Tapos pang hapon ang Group 1. Kaya tama pang umaga na yung Group 4.

"Ay! Uu nga! Wahahahaha!", I said laughing.

"Kaw talaga...", he replied smiling.

With that I went back to our office. Feeling much less stressed. My afternoon thirst was quench by that short trip to the pantry.