I have this thing I call Man of the hour. These men are usually the guys that I'm attached to emotionally. I'm more caring with these guys as compared to our circle of friends. But they happen one at a time and I'm loyal to them to the extent that I will sacrifice everything so I can satisfy their needs or for their well being.

The reason why I decided that they become the Man of the hour depends on my need at that certain time. There's this one that I needed a big brother, one that I needed a little brother, one that I look forward to see each day but this one particular Man of the hour, my reason is I need a straight bestfriend.

Sounds cliche in gay love stories? Kinda! whahahah! But the difference is that, I'm not in love with him. I'm just strongly emotionally attached. Well, that goes for all them. I usually am misunderstood to be in love with them... *Well there was an exception, I really did fell in love with the one I look forward to see everyday but it faded* ... but I am always firm that I am not in love with them. In any case I do love them, but not as a lover but a companion. Whether as a brother, as a centrum (Centrum compelete, gets?), or in this particular situation, as a bestfriend.

There came a time that my satisfaction to our relationship as close friends was shaken. As I told him, "I feel neglected and unsatisfied. It's either I'm wanting more or you're giving less." We ended up exchanging words, him acting all pity saying that it was all his fault. I understood where those words were coming from because I know behind his intimidating facade, lies a very wounded soldier of love. He always thinks that he is always the reason behind every failure because of what happened in his past relationship. That is exactly the reason why I can't seem to let him be. He's my Man of the hour so I sacrificed my "wants" so that we can still have our close relationship.

There was also this one time that we had a misunderstanding. We were supposed to watch a movie but he cancelled on me last minute. I felt as though he was ashamed to be seen with a homosexual like me. I didn't think that he had malice in our relationship. Actually, this malice is the reason why my closeness with the one who I treat like my little brother crumbled. Adding more injury, he was the last person in the world that I would think had malice on me. My heart broke. I was stabbed continuously and was silently bleeding while I was watching the movie. To tell you the truth, I never really understood his reason. In fact, I was determined to throw him away from my life forever. I wanted to say goodbye to him formally, so I told him everything that was going through my mind. I told him that I was very furious of what he did; That I am very much disappointed in him. To my dismay he didn't even tried to defend himself. He just accepted every word that I said and told me that he will not bother me any longer. Although ambivalent, I welcomed him once more in my life and threw my negative feelings away.

On a more recent scenario, I asked him what I am to him. This arose because I was confused in my role to play in his life. Whenever I act as his bestfriend, he always points out that he has bestfriends. I tried to act at the opposite end, as a normal friend, but he keeps on asking for more. I just don't know how to act so I asked him directly. He responded to me that he will not ask more from me, which led me to conclude that I am his normal friend. But a follow up statement shook that conclusion for he told me that I'm a special friend. This made it more confusing. But again, I sacrificed my "wants". I cried for three weeks. I cried all my pains away. I cried my frustrations that I can never be his bestfriend; that I will never be his choice.

The other night, I received a text message from him:
"last peso na... Meme mabuti..."

This was not the first time that I received a text that it was his last peso from him. Somehow, I feel privileged. But I guess it's a double edged sword. I am only as good as his last peso but I'm not complaining. It just gave me a direction for my role in his life...

I'm his last peso.