One thing I know for certain, I need to have a reason for doing things for me to be more determined and passionate of doing it. That's the only way that I can be most productive and most passionate in my work. Finally, after a long time of working blind in the dark, I finally found my illumination.

It never really occurred to me until recently. Probably because I kept focusing on the stresses in my work and disregarding all the small positive things around me. But after I started really taking a portion of my work item seriously, it was then that I was able to see this very positive light.

Yep. He is now my reason to work hard. I will not sit idly by while he faces his challenges alone. I will be his secretary. I will throw in double the effort so everything will work out fine. I will do my best to convince him to stay.

I'm so surprised that what my ka-wavelengths said before came true. But then, I guess, they really know me more in that aspect. Wahahahahahaha!!!

For the first time, I can say I'm happy despite the stresses. Yep and it's all about that illumination.

It's already October. On the 16th of this month, I will be just a month away before my 1st year anniversary with my current employer. I will then need to decide if I want to stay with the company or not. I have 1 year to think about it come my 1st year anniversary.

I can say my work is perfect for me. Just like what my good friend, Albert, told me. My skill set fits the mold of the position I have right now. Even the so called "special projects" are well suited in my skills repertoire. But despite the almost tailored carcass that is my designation, the amount of stress level and work ethic really gets to me.

I guess teamwork is not a common practice in our office. Everything is just on assignment. Everyone is assigned a specific task and they will revolve around that task without a care for others. But then again, maybe because it was simply a consensus between the members of our section. Since we have no real authoritative figure within our office, we were contented with the set-up. Even though, we were given this authoritative figure a few months ago, we were adamant with the status quo since it was system that was really working out for us.

I guess I just miss the thrill of having a team. Although everyone has their own role to play, everything comes together because we help each other. No one is left to do their own work because there will always be someone who will be willing to help them. Someone is in charge while doing the same work with the others. This was the case of CSC '08-'09, the year when student-leadership was the most fulfilling. The spirit of camaraderie and teamwork really goes beyond political affiliation.

Then we have the indefensible stress, that comes out from whimsical decisions rather than logical reasons. Just to give a pop culture reference to this, it's just like what Heidi Klum says, "One day your in and the next day your out". That's how erratic decisions in our section are. One day this is it, and the next day it will be this. I understand that there will always be stress at work, but I am defining this indefensible stress because it is just additional burden that should not have been there but exists because of erratic decisions. One such example is the one in my previous post. I was assigned to spearhead a project that I have no prior experience in organizing. It will be the end of me. I tell you. THE. END. OF. ME.

And finally we have the bossy co-workers. I will turn a blind eye if the person is a tier above me, but we are in positions of the same level. Seniority does not excuse someone to behave with proper etiquette and good manners. Saying Please and Thank you would be enough, also a proper tone of voice when asking for a favor.

I recently had a chat with a former officemate; she's been blooming ever since she got out of the hell hole called our office. And we have the same brain wavelength to conclude that "You can never understand how stressful it is in that office unless you're in it." Good for her and I'm happy for her.

Well, I can rant all I want but then again, the job is not half bad. Though I guess I lack the training required to do some of the requirements of my job. That's why they can never utilize my full potential without these trainings. I took the job because I thought I will be fulfilled. Not the lucrative pay nor the fame of working in that particular industry. Once my fulfillment cannot offset the poor work ethics or I hit my boiling point due to stress...

I'M DONE...

But that's a year from now.

I was known as the One Man Team when I was still a student leader in my tertiary Alma Mater. When I was a 4th year Chemical Engineering Student, I retained my position as the Legal Officer of our neophyte political party, SIKLAB. I was also appointed the Project Director of Thomasian Project 4, under the then Cachero CSC Administration. I was the sole member of the SIKLAB Legal Team, since we were a neophyte party, and the Thomasian Project 4, since the other member, my superior, graduated in the last school year.

I guess I did good in those two positions since I retained them the following school year. But it was mainly due to the fact that I was left to explore the positions that I held. SIKLAB was just in its sophomore year, I was free to define what kind of person should the SIKLAB Legal Officer be. I was free to create a system of documentation that future SIKLAB Legal Officers can use. While for TP4, I was part of its pilot phase and my opinions were held with high regard because I was the longest to be affiliated with the project.

Unlike what is happening now...

I was assigned to a program that I know nothing of except that it's like a showcase of technical projects. Even worse, I was the one the helm the realization of the program this year. Oooooh BOY!!!

During the initial planning, I heard this particular remark that made me realize that I am will be a One Man Team once more: "Estimate mo kung ilan kelangan mong mga...". Pertaining to the materials that I will need for the program. I knew right then that I will be in this alone. There was no hint of I'll help you in that remark. But there can never be more horrifying experience with this program than learning that I have no budget. Worse, I was accused that I will not do the program because there was no money. FUCK!

Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay! To tell you the truth, I was very frustrated that I was given to helm this program. Not only that the needed spirit or mindset has not even inculcated in me, I have no prior experience with the program whatsoever. It was okay if I was the first time that the program will be organized. I can simply explore the possibilities just like what I did back in college. But since the program was existing for years now, there was a sense of expectation from all that are familiar with it. You must do this and that because that was done before. I was so stressed thinking about what will happen with the program that I fell ill many times in the past months. The program is important they said, the program is used for appraisal they said. IF IT IS SO DAMN IMPORTANT WHY IS THE BUDGET FOR IT BEEN CUT?!

After a few sleepless nights, I finally found the resolve to really spearhead the program. I have no prior experience with it so I have no choice but to simply own it. I will OWN it since I AM the one in charge! I got my netbook and started creating designs for new logos. I made logos to symbolize that the program is getting a facelift. So far, the feedback has been positive.

I find it funny that they wanted me to do a Workshop even though I haven't even had that workshop yet. When I asked for the objective, it was to get ideas for future projects. Then ultimately, it was late since there was a prerequisite period of implementation before projects were eligible for the program. So anything that they can come up can only be passed next year. I was stubborn not to conduct anymore workshops. It was simply just a waste of time.

I will give it all I got until it exhaust me. I will never forget the grade I got during my regularization.

I AM A ONE MAN TEAM...

I will all show you who I really am.