All this years, I have denied that I ever felt something for this guy. I have spoken all techniques of negation of the subject. I even tried, though with a heavy heart, pulling myself away from him. But to only go back beside him because he needed me.

I made a decision to hide my feelings for him because I know for a fact that it will be complicated. Though, that did not stop me to show that I care for him deeply. I just acted normally as if everything I do is normal for a gay friend to do for his straight guy friend. I just thought that I am his pseudo-girlfriend, without the hatid-sundo drama and the sex part. That's how I acted, and people soon recognized our situation.

The people around us began questioning our relationship. They began teasing us because of our closeness. My pseudo-girlfriend act became a real girlfriend act in their screwed mind.

Eventually, I pulled away. I retreated to another avenue in my life just to save myself from hurting inside. I want to always stay by him. I want to always talk to him, text him, see his smiles, his bare torso... I wanted to serve him because that's the only way I know I can show that I love him. I didn't want to say it out loud; I just want him to feel what I feel for him.

There came a time that I forced myself to relinquish my feelings for him. I saw that he was happy with his girl and I was not even close to him both physically and emotionally, felt that it was time to let him go. It was the best thing to do for him and, most especially, for me. During one of our out-of-town trips, I cried silently while I stand atop a hill. I let my tears silently fall while my heart tears up inside my ribcage. No words were spoken at that time. Simply ghostly tears and the pain slowly fading away in that high altitude.

I managed to channel my love to someone else, and eventually forgot my feelings for him. I moved on in a sense. There were chances that we had to close physically, but I was contented of the fact that we were just friends.

Fast forward to the present time, just like old times, we have been texting. Sometimes I start it, sometimes him. He's still with his girl. I'm still single.

I find it awkward that everytime he texts me I feel like a querida. I feel like we are talking about things he should be talking with his girlfriend. I feel like being a pseudo-girlfriend again. Though I won't deny that he still has a special place in my heart, and I have a feeling I have one too.

That sounds soooooo self-serving but that's what I feel. I remembered one time, we were walking along a highway; it was our first time to meet after a year or so. He mentioned he wanted to be close to me even for just a short while. I knew then that there is something between us. Not on a lovers level but not simply just on a friendly level.

Sometimes, I just want to tell him to really own me. Make me his. Tell me that I am his because honestly, that is really our relationship is. We just need to make it official. So that I can shout to the world that I am officially his.