I am really a fan of the anime series of Log Horizon. Because it combines the elements of survival, exploration, and virtual game genre. Not to mention elements of politics, ethics, and betrayal. I am drawn to the commander type of characters in the anime which are Crusty and Shiroe. I like that they are manipulative yet a very superb leaders in their own right. With today's new episode, I finally realized that I have an in-anime avatar of sort...


Henrietta
I value intelligence over brute force. Shiroe-sama is the embodiment of intelligence in the series. Even the charismatic leader of DDD, Crusty, acknowledges this. The legendary strategist and mana controller of the Debauchery Tea Party. I cannot shake off his charm on me. When he hatches his evil plans, oohh!!! It makes me shiver! When his fingers push his glasses inward, I know he has a plan. And i am very much willing to oblige.

His plans are flawless. His command is absolute. Shiroe-sama is my God.

But yet, I cannot act on those feelings. His complete trust in my abilities is something that is really important to me. More then my feelings, this trust is much much special for me.

Few friends of mine are bugging me lately with my love life. Ha! Funny! Aside from the usual flirting episodes here and there, there is not much to share. Nada. Zilch.

On my end, I have given up on my futile attempts to get into a relationship. What's the point of getting into a relationship that you know from the start is doomed to just end? I'm not being a pessimist. I'm just being real. Reality bit me... Not just once... Not just twice... Not even just thrice... I have learned my lesson. And it has become who I am.

I am what you call an Old School Dyosa which can be described by one characteristic: I have a heart of a girl. I favor being treated like a lady. I like to be fetched. I like to be held by the hand when going down. I like to rest my head on a nice man's shoulder. I like to be given things that I did not ask for. I like to be walked home. I like to be pleased by the boy I like. Sounds like a princess huh?

But like I said, reality bit then chew me to smultch. I never experienced them with the men that are important to me. And these men mean a lot to me, I give them every resources that I can give. Time. Money. Effort. Everything. I try to savor my time with them because honestly, that's the only thing that I get from them. But after that, I really get this hollow feeling inside me that I will never get to fill.

Hence, my Queen persona. A Queen that created a castle wall from her fragile Princess heart. A Queen has her duties. A Queen has subjects to rule. The only mantra that would make sense for me to go on with this unfair world that I live in.

Love? Haha! Love?! No one can give me that! Can he break these walls that I made to survive? Can he treat me like a princess that I am? Can he still be my prince even if we're out in public?

No use in waiting. As Elsa once said, The cold never bothered me anyway...

It is one of the normal scenario in every gay man's life. You may say it's simply one of the bridges of trial that we have to cross. It's not easy task, mind you. You will be bombarded with fantasies of your desire which shall blind you the seemingly weak plank in that wooden bridge. One step on that, and you fall waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyy down. Based on experience, it is really hard to get that up on that bridge again. And you have to start over. But the beauty of the bridge of fantasy trials, it is sturdy; You just need to have the right mind to be able to cross it...

Just a few weeks ago, I severed ties with a close friend. The reason behind doing so is deeply rooted to this Bridge of Fantasy. I understand that he is a late bloomer for this kind of thing. But I just don't get it why he has not learn anything from his very own experiences. I believe that this sort of thing is essential for every gay man to learn by himself because it will provide you with enough pain to be stronger. But I simply become an absorber of his negativity and angst that stems from his immaturity.

I had enough.

Well, he was the first to snap when I blatantly told him the realities of his present predicament. What kind of brothers have sex with each other?" He fired back with a tirade of sentiments all saying the same thing: he thought I would listen. I was listening. I was listening to every cup of angst, every bottle of jealousy, and every slice hatred for every person going in between every MEN in his life. And I am highlighting this. HIS PROBLEM IS JUST THE SAME SCENARIO WITH DIFFERENT MEN!!!

Hatred Cycle
1. There is a new guy.
2. They will communicate regularly through text. Text when he wakes up, Text when he is going somewhwere, Text when he is breathing in and out, Text when he is closing his eyes to sleep.
3. They will develop a special bond.
4. They will have attachment in differing levels. He will emotionally invest more evident when he is doing special services to the guy.
5. They will have endearment. The special name calling phase (Kuya, Bestfriend,Boyfriend, etc)
6. There will be an issue. Guy will suddenly have a change of heart due to multitude of reasons / He will have cold feet about the relationship because he considers homosexual relationships as a sin / He will create his own issue because he acts like a jealous obsessed girlfriend.
7. He will leave the guy because he wants to be alone for a while. He will enter what we call his Ermitanyo mode wherein he cannot be found anywhere as if he retreated to some oddly world dimension.
8. He will come out of hiding and tries to fix things with the guy.
9. His effort will be in vain because the endearment is gone. He starts to curse the world for going against his relationship with the guy. Though he stills deny any feelings for the guy only shadowing it with the term, bestfriend, kuya, etc.
10. His heart will break and will cry.
11. As his heart recuperates, he meets a new guy.
12. Rinse and Repeat.

What I am frustrated the most is that in every complete cycle he just laments that it was his fault. It is always his fault anyway. He acts like an overly jealous and obsessed girlfriend. From what I read in Cosmo's top ten list of signs of being an obsessed girlfriend, he's a 10/10. What's more, HE IS NOT EVEN THE GUY'S GIRLFRIEND!!! HE ACTS LIKE IT BUT DENIES HAVING FEELINGS FOR THE GUY! Clearly, there is really a fine line between caring for a person and obsession.

But here's a shocker, "Ganun naman kasi talaga ako..." That's his defense for being that way. And he wouldn't change anything because that's the way he is he says. Yet, he always questions why everyone is leaving him. "Ganyan ka kasi...", is my short answer to that.

I do admit that I'm really hard on him. Perhaps because I went through the same thing. Same heartache. Same self-loathing. But those experiences changed me. Because I learned a lot from them. And those things made me who I am now. And I can say they changed me for the better. Which I think he still fighting to do. If only he will understand that he needs to make some changes regarding his attitude and way of life, he will be enlightened.

For a long time, I denied I have feelings for Albert when we were in college. I did. Not because I was scared he would reject me, but because I was just happy just being with him. That's why I acted like a girlfriend without saying anything, without expressing i wanted anything. Because I knew what my part was, I was his bestfriend and I was not his girlfriend. I never demanded that he fetch me, take me home, get me something on my birthday or text me everyday. I enjoy being beside him. Though that wasn't enough for me emotionally, but I knew that is the only scenario that I can settle in.

Naiilang ako...

When I first heard Albert say that and it was referenced to me, my world shattered. It hurt me more because I was really doing my best to just settle to just being beside him. And this is me not acting overly jealous and obsessed. What more for this friend of mind who acts like such.

Kung gusto mo kasing ikaw lang, jowain mo na.

That's the best advice that I gave him, but he retaliated with I'm not into him, I just don't look at him that way. Yeah right, then you have sex or you exchange kinky text message/pictures? Oh yeah. Tooooootally bestfriend-y/brotherly stuff.

If you call him Kuya, act like a little brother. If you call him your bestfriend, act like your his bestfriend. Don't mistake his endearment of friendship or special relationship like that of passionate love. Just because you are giving him attention, doesn't mean he is compelled to do the same to you. It's a free world. You just need to understand the fact that your into him and his not into you. You deny and deny, but that's the truth. Obsession is a negative form of love. It destroys relationships not bridge them. If you continue with this obsessive form of love, you just going through the cycle all over again.

Just like you, I have important men in my life. I have special names that I call them as they have with me. But i love them selflessly, without asking anything in return. Though sometimes I do have dirty thoughts of them with me, but I am bounded to the principle that I made for myself. That I will never have sex with any of them and I will never ask for anything in return. I do it because it makes me happy. And of course, because I love them and I enjoy being with them.

Open your eyes to reality. This is the real world. Wake up from your fantasy dreamland of your naked boys whom you call Kuya or Bestfriend. If you want to be with them do it right. Do not deny your feelings. You're just not being true to yourself.

Isiniksik ka na ngunit kulang pa rin!

I squeezed myself slowly as I move further to the back of a tin can called Genesis. My effects hurriedly placed on top of the open shelving as to not inhibit the narrow passage in which other sardines may pass through. Hopefully with every bit of tomato sauce puffed out by the aircon holes.

Our metallic packaging with wheels stopped by Tundol. It was here that "he" joined our sardine trip. He was wearing a bright blue shirt and was really giving a cool vibe. He stood behind Aaron his face nonchalant then raised his arms to hold on to the shelf. He turned his back to face the front and watched the movie on board.

It was during this time that my little sardine pancreas rodeo-ed in my PPE. Still standing mighty in that scenario, I was all smiley face and giving soft giggling sounds; Much to Peter's chagrin. Swerte!, I thought not minding this sardine parody of journey home.

Our status quo of standing with the blue guy facing the front was broken when he turned sideways around Hermosa area. My pancreas went crescendo on the rodeo. You can faintly hear the sound effects of Mario the plumber when he enters a pipe: Kilig kilig kilig! It was only that time that I got to see his features more clearly.

Well, he is fair skinned. Of course it was already evident given his sexy fair-skinned nape. He had his eyes closed while standing on one foot, his weight supported by the bus seat. He looked so angelic. His nose sharply pointing outward. His mouth closed and his brow slightly curved inward. Maybe that was due to the song he's listening that time since he had his earphones stuck to his ear all throughout the ride.

As we approached Layac, our bus decelerated to a stop. He opened his eyes and looked around when he felt that our sardine can was not moving. Shit. He whispered after observing the vehicle line up ahead and went back to his original position.

I smiled to that small activity. I confirmed that he's not a robot after all.

After passing through the bottleneck as we expected, our tin can of a bus went for a stopover. Almost all of the passengers in front step down as well as my angel in bright blue shirt. I tried my best to keep my kilig-much persona at bay before my companions. Before I knew it, the other passengers were embarking the bus. Then the conductor shouting that we are going already. "Teka lang, wala pa si Kuya!" I spoke silently. But not silent enough to be inaudible. "Sinong Kuya?", Peter asked. It was then that my angel in bright blue shirt went in slo-mo while entering.

HOMAYGASH!!! His eyes!!! Those INNOCENT EYES!!! My knees turned to slush. "Ayun oh... hihihi!" I answered Peter's question with my flirty fan-girl voice. He didn't hear me though since he had his earphones on.

Bright Blue Angel positioned back to his original station. The bus then went on his way. He continued to keep his eyes shut while listening to music while I continued dissecting his body.

After what seems like 10,000 rotation of our tin can with wheels, the couple beside me shouted to signal to the driver that they were getting off. As the disembark, I signaled Peter to sit. As I get comfy with my seat, i indulged on my Mr Bright Blue Shirt Angel. He had both his arms extended to the shelves for support. Ooh... Nice Shoulders! I mused to myself.

I took my phone and posted a status on Facebook:
"Ang tanging energy source ko lang sa pagtayo sa bus from Bataan to Pampanga ay si kuyang cutie na nakabright blue shirt na maputi at maamo ang mata. Mahal na kita. I love you! Chowz! ‪#‎BusRideTales‬"

A smile pasted on my face after my little deed. Afterwards, my seatmate exclaimed: "Anung kalandian to?" showing the status that I posted. Hahahahaha was the only thing I can rebut. A few moments later, I began to feel sleepy because of the work earlier. Before I traveled to dreamland, I took a quick fix of my blue angel before clsoing my eyes.

I came to when we are already in San Fernando. I woke up Peter to prepare for the end of our sardine trip. Cutie Bright Blue Angel also stepped down from the bus. I intently watched him as he takes his things from the bus's compartment. I gave him a last galnace before finally focusing on our group's next destination.

While walking towards Mc Donald's, "Kamukha nya si Kuya Jarnie ano?" I absentmindedly exclaimed. The two people with me affirmed.

Conversations can really open up old wounds. But in my case, it reminded me of old scars. Memories that I kept hidden behind my tearducts...

I waited patiently by the park near C4. Navotas sector names adorn the park's centerpiece statue. It was a cool July evening. Soft breezes chill bystanders like me in the park. I was holding two tickets of the advance screening of Harry Potter 7.0. I was meeting the person I chose to go with for that special screening. My heart pounding in sync with every second that passes.

He approached me silently. He was on his bicycle when I saw him. He immediately parked his bike beside a nearby pot and then sat at the opposite side of the bench I was sitting on. We were silent for a few long cold minutes. In the end, I thawed the glacier with a smile, and handed over our ticket for the special screening.

He accepted it. Examined it closely. Then smiled. It was the smile that melted more ice during that encounter. We were able to converse more after that smile.

We began talking about things that I don't remember anymore. Maybe it was too trivial so it didn't earn spaces in my memory banks. But I do remember smiling because I was talking to the man I love.

Not long after, we parted ways since we both have work the next morning. I hopped on a jeepney and proceeded straight home.

Painful memories can stir things inside you. But for this instance, it was a happy memory. A happy memory that lead to not so happy memories. But then again, I was reminded of this when we talked about that particular park in Navotas.

It is a scar of yester-years but it is somehow a treat it visit... Why? Because it reminds me that how I became strong enough to stand on my own. To stand when there was not even ground to step on. A major part of me has moved on. But that tiny speckle of my heart still weeps everytime I remember events during that time.

I guess it still begs for closure.

Dear Reverend Marvin,

Alam mo ba Rev, unang beses palang kitang nakita, nanginig na sa kilig yung pancreas ko. Opo Rev, hindi ka nagkakamali ng basa, PANCREAS KO TALAGA YUNG KINILIG! Nagbabasa ka pa nun ng Gospel. Nakangiti ka pa nga nun habang nagbabasa eh. Ako naman, parang tangang nililipad na sa alapaan dahil sa angelic mong smile.


Nasilayan nalang kita muli nang ikaw yung magbasa ng Gospel para kay Pope nung mass sa Manila Cathedral. Medyo chubby chubby ka na ha. Haha! Pero pogi pa din. Kaya ayun, nag-overload na naman sa kilig yung pancreas ko. Close up na close up kasi yung mukha mo. Para akong hihimatayin twing pinagmamasdan ko ang maamo mong mukha. Ang gwapo gwapo mo kasi talaga Rev! Para kang anghel na bumuba sa lupa! Nakakaloka!

Kanina naman sa mass sa Quirino Grandstand, ayun ka, nakaupo sa tabi ni Archbishop Tagle. Ang lapit lapit mo kay Pope, isang mashonders na sakristan lang ang pagitan nyo. Kaya twing naka-wide shot yung stage, kitang kita kita na naka-Amen position yung kamay mo. Nanlalambot yung tuhod ko pagnakaganung tindig ka. Anghel ka talaga. Anghel ka talaga sa paningin ko. Para akong nakainom ng ecstasy pag nagpapanning yung camera at nahahagip ka. Sigaw ako ng sigaw na mukhang lokaret na haliparot. Lalo na nung si Archbishop Tagle na yung nagsasalita sa mic, antagal nakatutok ng camera sayo. Nonchalant ka lang nun, halatang nakikinig sa sinasabi ni Cardinal. Ughhhh grabeh! Sasabog ata yung pancreas ko nung mga oras na yun!

Haaay Reverend Marvin! Sabihin mo lang, magreresign ako para maging secretary mo for life! Super love you po!

Ang iyong Inhinyera Dyosa,

Whilhelmina

During Tankage Inventory, the surveyors partnered with me are amazed that I am able to predict the time that we will finish with the activity accurately. No matter if they are senior or newbie surveyor, I can easily project our finishing time.

It's actually no biggie. I simply use an estimation method that I developed during college. I christened it with a fancy name, FAR SIGHT PROJECTION.

I first used this estimation technique during my second year in college. I was assigned as a tour guide for our freshmen. It was really a half day affair but we managed to do it in under 2 hours. We went against the flow of tour teams. We entered every building that can be toured first before we began the perimeter tour. I made that unique plan because of my experience the previous year with our tour. There was a bottleneck last year in the Main Building museum and the Botanical Garden. This became one of my considerations during the planning stage. I also considered the amount of sunshine during the timeframe. Who wants to walk under the scorching sun right?

Ever since then, I began perfecting this estimation method... While doing experiments during lab subjects... Long calculations in quizzes... Travel time from home to school, from Tan Yan Kee to Engineering...

Bit by bit, I refined my estimation technique until I finally concluded these criteria to make my estimation accurate:

1. I must have a prior experience with the activity at hand.
   
2. Certain variables must be incorporated with the estimation algorithm depending on the activity.
   
3. If I'm a variable, I can control the circumstance to make the estimation more favorable.
   
4. Unexpected factors may delay or advance the estimation.
   

For the 1st criterion, I should have experienced and at least understood how the activity works. Or else, I will have difficulty in learning the activity and estimating at the same time.

For the 2nd one, every activity has its own set of variables to be considered. Like for the Tankage Inventory, I estimate the immersion time per tank plus the travel time to get to the tank and just take the sum of the individual estimations. Sounds hard? Well, not exactly. Since some of the tanks are usually the same height so we can assume the same immersion time for them. Immersion time will also differ if they are black or white products. Immersion time is actually Time for Perimeter check plus Time for stair usage times two plus Time for Sampling and Gauging.

For the 3rd criterion, I can adjust the estimation time on my judgement if I am one of the variables. Going back with our example of Tank Inventory, I can hasten our time if I walk faster in between tanks and do the perimeter check faster or slower depending on the situation.

For the 4th one, this is tricky since I will only know the added variable on the spot. Like when it rains, it extends our immersion time or when the service takes time to fetch us, our travel time suffers. But of course if a tank is unexpectedly under maintenance, it's a plus for us! whahahha!

But in general, I have a 3% error based on experience with my estimations. This is very handy since dabble in events planning and training module creation.

The night after watching English Only Please, I reflected on the movie's impact in my psyche. I guess the movie just hit too close to home particularly with Tere. Tanga rin kasi ako eh...

Ewan ko ba. Just like her, I become too attached with certain people. An attachment that was not requested nor required. I just acted on my own and treat these people dearly. I take care of these people, serve them with everything that I have. Even at the cost of my own money, even happiness. I sometime question if what I'm doing is right. Should I really sacrifice my time and resources just for them? What I get from all of this?

But every time I'm on the edge of letting them go, these people do something that will make me feel I am important to them. And because of my attachment, I go back to serving them.

This is maybe a rant on my part, but sometimes, I just want them to appreciate me more. I don't mean that they need to do the same things as I do but more on the little things like texting, messaging. Actually, one of the reason why I get lonely is because I don't get feedback from them. And this will sound cliche, sometimes, I only hear from them when they need something.

TANGA, ako yan kasi kahit ganoon na nga, tuloy pa din ako sa kahibangan ko. I cherish them but they don't cherish me back.

Ang sad noh?

Last December 17, 2014 was the date we celebrated our Refinery's Xmas party. In my mind, it was just another major Refinery program. But I had my rags pulled under me when I realized it was a big thing for everyone.

I was the party's floor director/program manager. I make sure that the programs go smoothly. I advise the hosts if there will be any intermission or if there are changes with regard to the program itself. I was situated left of the stage during the whole program except when I was running to the backstage or shouting near the badminton court for pasaway contestants.

After our Ms. PBR Bebot 2014 was crowned, it's as if a huge weight was lifted from my back.

"TAPOS NAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!", I exclaimed on the top of my lungs beside the stage.

The crowning ceremony signaled the end of my duties as floor director. I immediately went to the backstage and got my things. Before I went home, I mingled a bit with the remaining crowd which consists of mostly engineers plus our VP and some of members of the PBR Ladies Circle. I gave my things a quick shove to a chair and immediately joined the photo-ops.

It was during this time that our VP congratulated me for a job well done. His wife also said the same thing and that she enjoyed the night. Of course I accepted their congratulations very graciously and also gave my thanks before quietly slipping out to go home.

The next morning during pour debriefing session with HR about the event, we received emails congratulating our team for a job well done. In the general, our employees really enjoyed the night and were really grateful to have attended the party. As part of the organizers, one can only be proud and happy that people appreciate what you did. Because that was the exact objective of the program, that is to entertain people and somehow have them forget about the stresses in our workplace.

Two of the most important congratulatory messages came from two people whom I look up to in the Refinery, Tita Bong and Sir Eli V. I guess they are what you call our "seniors", our "predecessors" in the Refinery. It was because of them that people like us are treated equally in the Refinery. That our gender identity is not a question of our technical and creative prowess. That's why I nearly cried when Tita Bong mentioned that he can now retire because he knows the Refinery is in good hands, program-wise.

During our Division Party, when our VP took the mic for his Xmas party address, I was shocked when he first asked everyone to clap for the appreciation of my hardwork during our ONE PBR Xmas Party. There I was sitting in front, since I was also the program manager for the party, scratching my head in embarrassment while everyone was clapping.

To tell you honestly, people are just making take credit for everything when the program itself was a combination of creative juices and sweat-toiled hardwork by HR; I am especially mentioning Anna Marie Eugenio who was the overall in charge of the program.

During the preparation stage, I was in charge of the BEBOT rehearsals from ramp to intermission number. I researched and mixed the songs for it. Given the limited time that we have, we were only able to practice thrice. I also supervised though not consistently, the New Hires Presentation. Actually, I was just making sure if they follow it the choreography. I mixed the songs for the Petron Sessionistas performance. Those performers were so demanding with their pieces! KALOKA!

The other parts of the program were assigned to other HR associates with Ate Venice taking charge of the widely successful Audio Visual Presentation, just to her acknowledge her hardwork. The lynch pin to all of us was Anna Marie who handled everything else.

So please, give that girl the recognition she deserves. SHE EFFING DESERVES IT!

I have known it for a while… Bago pa sya nagpasa ng resignation nya, pumutok na yung balita na nag-a-apply na sya ng work abroad. Actually, ni-confront ko nga sya about dun nung nalaman ko. Ang sabi nya lang saken, “Hindi pa ah. Matagal pa yun.” Syempre ako naman naging kampante na rin kasi hindi pa naman pala aalis ang Kuya Jarnie ko…

Hanggang sa may pumutok na naman na balita na natanggap na sya sa inaapplyan nya. IMS Engineer pako nun. Syempre twing dadaan ako sa munting building nila dahil sa nature ng trabaho ko, lagi akong nag-a-ala Inday Badiday dahil sa kakatanong ng mga questions about it. I swear! Daig pa ang External Audit sa mga pinagtatanong ko!

At dumating na nga yung matagal na yun na sinasabi ni Kuya Jarnie. Pumutok na ang balita na nagresign na nga sya. Ginagawa ko pa nun yung dokumento nun nakailangan ko makipag-usap lagi sa Department Manager nya. Dahil always waiting in line ang peg ko sa dami ng kameeting ni Madam manager, naririnig ko yung mga information about it.

“Luchie, schedule mo nga si Jarnie ng Exit Interview saken.”

Natutulala ako nung narinig ko yun. Eksenang nag-Time Space Warp ako nung mga oras na yun… isa lang kasi ang ibig sabihin ng Exit Interview… Confeeeeeermed na nagresign na nga sya. Confeeeeeermed na aalis na nga si Kuya Jarnie.

Nung nag-Return from the Different Dimension nako, nagpaalam ako na babalik nalang ako. Ang totoo kasi nun, tutulo na yung luha ko. A big part of me was wallowing in despair with the realization na aalis na nga ang Kuya Jarnie ko. Gustuhin ko man nun na tumakbo palayo, office hours pa eh, bawal pa umeksena ng drama at baka maawardan ako ng Best Actress.

Friday. Uwian pa-Manila. Last day of the week, but for me last day na andyan si Kuya Jarnie. Yung coming Sunday kasi na yun eh last day na nya sa company. Hindi ako makapagconcentrate nung araw na yun. I was ambivalent kung magpapakita ba ako sa kanya o hindi. I ended up just staring on my laptop’s monitor kasi wala ang diwa ko sa buong araw na yun. In the end, I chose not to see him, hindi naman na dahil sa may pagka-masochist ako noh but I just don’t want him to see me crying. I wanted him to remember me as the cheerful Whil that he knows.

The following day, Saturday, wala akong ginawa buong magdamag kundi umiyak. Iyak ako ng iyak. I can’t help it eh. The tears just kept flowing. Parang flash flood sa Espanya sa may UST, ganun. Dun lang siguro nagsettle saken na wala na si Kuya Jarnie. Na pagbalik ko ng office, hindi ko na sya makikita…

Wala nang magsasabi saken ng: “Hi sexy Whil!” Bolero eh noh?

Wala nang magrereply sa email ko ng “Wow naman! Ang ganda naman!” pag may pakulo akong ginawa na sinesend to all sa email.

Wala na akong pagrereportan ng mga nakikita kong potential hazards pag mag-Tankage Inventory.

Wala na yung inspiration ko to continue striving hard despite all the downsides of being an IMS Engineer. That little speck of inspiration was enough to keep me going kahit na ayaw ko na talaga.

Wala na…

Wala na yung Kuya Jarnie ko…

Ngayon nga lang na sinusulat ko to… Lumuluha ako. Basang basa na yung kumot sa tabi ko kasi I am relieving the loneliness that I felt nung kasagsagan nung scenario na yun. Oo with matching uhog. Ngawngaw much. Kaw ba naman kasi mawalan ng Kuya sa Refinery. Yun kasi sya saken eh. Kuya. As in KUYA talaga. Opo. Yung top eligible bachelor ng Refinery na husband material ay Kuya lang para saken. Kuyazooooooooooone.

For a change kasi, I was not expected to take care him… kasi for a change, I was “the little sister”… I was allowed to be childlike. I was not guarded in what I am saying. I was simply being me pag andun ako sa office nila at nakaupo ako sa upuan sa harap ng table nya. Nag-uubos ng oras dun pag stressed na stressed na ako sa IMS office. Defenses down. Barrier Zero Percent. Yung feeling ko eh babae ako because he treats me that way. Heck! Even my own older brothers don’t treat me that way! Yung feeling of relief kasi feel na feel kong safe na safe ako sa office nila kasi andun sya.

Hindi man lang nya naabutan nung nalipat ako sa HR Training. Hindi man lang nya naabutan na masaya nako ngayon sa posisyon ko. Na masayang masaya na akong natatrabaho ulet. Di na nya makikita yung mga gagawin ko pa na projects, designs, at events na pinagbubutihan ko talaga. Highest level of effort lagi.

Sa ngayon, masasabi kong di pa ako talaga nakakaget-over pa sa pag-alis ni Kuya Jarnie. Eh sa matagal ako mag-move on eh. Bakit ba? Kanina nga lang eh nung nagsend ako ng invite sa Zumba, I was still half expecting na magrereply sya sa invite ko ng joke or good job. Nung birthday nya, I sent him a caricature photo with his head embossed sa isang guy na nagigitara. Nagustuhan naman daw nya.

May isa pa ngang time na I was thinking out loud at nasabi kong “Namimiss ko si Kuya Jarnie” and lo and behold! Paglabas ko ng office namin, ayun sya naglalakad palapit sa akin! I froze with matching jaw drop with my phantom mouth. Nung malapit na sya saken at kinausap nya ako, I covered my eyes with my arm. Sabi ko na nga ba, iiyak ako pag nakita ko sya. Hindi naman hagulgol ang ginawa ko. Just teary eyed na nakita ko sya ulet. Binigyan pa nga nya ako ng isang box ng chocolate. Pasalubong nya daw saken. But I had a feeling na hindi na nya naibigay yun sa dapat nyang pagbigyan pero I still accepted it wholeheartedly. Actually, nasa drawer ko pa din yun. Hopefully hindi ako maunahan ng mga langgam sa pagkain nun.

Anyhoo siguro, it will be healthier for me to disengage myself from him. At etong blog na ito ang simula ng process na yun. Writing has always been my outlet. Maybe I just wanted to preserve the experience, the memory, and the emotions than I had before moving on from this part of my life. After all, he’s having the time of his life+ now. But of course, Kuya Jarnie will always have a place in my heart. Always.