I'm in love with you no more

After the AlDub fever, I took a nap to contain all the excitement. I was really slated to leave the house to meet with you. But I elected to sleep since I was still very tired from all Bataan work.

That evening, I was in blogathon mode. It was then that I realized that maybe the reason why I decided not to meet with you is that I am not in love with you anymore... Maybe the person that I'm really in-loved with is my memory of you and not the person you are right now.

That's only the logical explanation why I don't feel anything about what happened. I'm missing my memory of you that's why I'm eager to reply to your messages. But that is it. I'm in love with the ghost that was you.


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Break my Heart Some More

It was my turn in the cashier line when I suddenly froze when I saw him.

I know he isn't who I think he is. Though he has the same slim build, he is taller. But I cannot deny that his eyes, shape of his face, his mannerism in speaking, and his smile all resemble...

"him"...

It was at this point that Jason Dy's Break My Heart (Some More) played instinctively in my mind. I was looping it in Spotify earlier during my travel from San Fernando to Manila. Emotions associated with certain memories began to fill my heart. My heart grew heavy while I was waiting for my groceries to be scanned. Though my watery gates from my eyes have long been dried, those feelings of longing and deep passion are still as pure as the day I locked them inside of me.

I was waiting longer in line because the mustard jar that I bought was not yet included in the scanned items list. This gave me a chance to silently observe the person who reminded me of my forlorn past.

When I saw his name from his exposed ID, I grew even more tense. His name is [*insert initials here*] S. Bautista. Same Middle Initial, Same Surname. Just to check is they are really related, I checked the bagger boy's facebook profile. It was really not hard to find since he uses his real name. I was at first dumbstruck when I saw that he lives in Navotas. But it seems they are not Facebook friends.

I began to be haunted by the ghost of unanswered questions of my previous make-believe relationship.

Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?

I snapped out of my ghastly disilluions when finally the last product was finally scanned and paid for. He handed me my pack of groceries. I said thank you nonchalantly and walked away.

On my ride home, I realized that you don't really move on from this kind of separation. We didn't have proper closure . I cannot say that we broke up since we didn't really prosper into the relationship. Needless to say, he threw me away when I wasn't needed anymore. Without warning. Without any signs. He just left me...

I was trying to build a dream with him. It was a dream that we both share that's why I was excited. Or should I say, I was the more excited one. But in the end, he shattered it without even looking back at me.

Like I said, you don't really move on unless you have closure. You simply just get used to the pain and then try to stand up on your own while picking up the pieces of your heart. I came to the conclusion that his world is moving normally, why should mine stop? I stood up and here I am.

But now that these deeply buried emotions are out once more, let me just say that I still await for closure. If needed be, take a cue from Jason Dy...

"...break my heart some more so I can finally say goodbye..."

Break my heart with the truth and I will finally say goodbye...


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Ghost in my heart

Napanaginipan na naman kita...

Nakatingin ka sakin. Nakangiti. Ang mukha mong mala-anghel ay may tuumutubo nang balbas. Infairness, bagay!

Nakasuot ka ng puti. Bagay na bagay sa kutis mong maputi rin.

Gwapo ka pa rin. Inaamin ko naman na yang mukhang yan ang unang bumihag saken. Yung mukhang inosente. Yung mukhang anghel. Yung mukhang nagpapatalon sa puso ko...

...noon

Nagising ako sa tunog ng alarm. Dumilat na ako pero nanatili pa ding nakahiga. Iniisip ko kung bakit ikaw yung napaginipan ko. Hindi naman kita iniisip. Marami akong trabaho at binabasa. Walang panahon para isipin kita.

Mahal pa ba kita? Yun nalang ang naiisip kong dahilan. Para saken imposible yun. Kasi nung nagdesisyon akong kalimutan na ang pagmamahal ko sayo, binigay ko na ito sa iba...

Naalala ko pa nung umiiyak ako sa taas ng burol habang umuuulan. Damang dama ko ang lamig habang umiiyak ako. Pero yun lang ang naisip kong paraan para hindi na masaktan at hindi na din ako makagulo sayo. Win-win diba?

Binigay ko na sa iba ang pagmamahal na dapat para sayo. Binigay ko lahat. Kaya sigurado ako, hindi kita mahal katulad ng pagmamahal ko sayo dati.

Pero hindi pa rin nasasagot ang tanong ko... Bakit ba kita napanaginipan?

Nakikita ko naman yung picture mo minsan, pero wala na ung lundag ng puso na nararamdaman ko dati. Wala yung pagnanais na makita ka talaga at makasama araw araw. Kaya ang laking misteryo kung bakit kita napanaginipan. Dahil wala naman akong nararamdaman sa twing nahahagip ng mga mata ko ang larawan mo.

Hindi na kita mahal. Pero bakit napanaginipan pa rin kita?

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The Notebook, a BnBp inspired life story

It was a pretty normal school weekday for Steward. He arrived on time for the flag ceremony and placed his bag in line with those of his classmates. The usual flag raising scenario everyday for the past year or so since he transferred to that school. Nothing new really… Except for that new song that they are forced to perform the action while singing. Urgh. But other than that, it was just a typical day in the life of a male high school student.

After a few announcements, classes were allowed to proceed in their respective rooms. Steward’s class occupies the room beside the girl’s comfort room on the second floor of the building nearest the second gate. Hence, they usually the first class to arrive to their classroom.

He sat down on his new seat nonchalantly. Their class had their seats rearranged. He was now seated on the 4th row 2nd seat from the back left of the pair of chairs. Not that it mattered to him. It was just simply a change in scenery from a big white wall to a row of windows. Even his new seatmate is not an issue. A new victim of his jokes and antics. Typical day for Steward indeed.

Or so he thought…

That very typical morning after their Biology class, he noticed his classmates Rene and Edwin were trading notebooks. At that time, he really didn’t give it any second thought. After all, it is normal for classmates to exchange notes. But on that typical day, some unknown power triggered the event that will change Steward’s life forever. This mysterious force caused one of the notebooks being traded to fall to the floor. Its hidden treasure burst from its confinement and rolled near Steward’s seat.

“Ano yan?” he asked curiously.

A long silence followed that inquiry. No words were uttered to answer his question. Just solemn muteness that lasted for about 10 seconds.

After a decade of quiet seconds to temper the waters, one of the boys grabbed the fallen notebook and retrieved the sacred treasure back to its chest. He handed the “treasure chest” to Steward who accepted it. Confused, Steward slowly opened the “chest” to reveal its “treasure”.

A blinding light burst from the opened notebook. Angelic harmony echoing simultaneously with the intense luminosity. There, glowing clamped between the pages of the notebook, is the sacred trade of pubescent males in that high school.

It was a CD. A video CD to be exact. This particular video CD is designed with women looking anguished, their busty bodies noticeably tense. In the middle, a shadowy figure of a laughing man clasping a distraught maven into his monstrous hands. Above these images, a huge caption reads: PROFESSOR PAIN XXX.

It was definitely one eureka moment for Steward. It was a don’t ask, don’t tell kind of thing. A malicious grin appeared on his face. A grin he shared with his classmates Rene and Edwin. [: D]

That typical day in a life of a male high school student was the day that Steward was blessed by the sacred light of the Notebook’s treasure. It was the day that he took the Notebook’s content, accepted it, and molded by it. Needless to say, Professor Pain introduced him to the light of this underground world of pubescent males.

From that moment on, exchanging notebooks was never again the same in the eyes of Steward. Especially, trading notebooks with malicious grins by pubescent males in his high school. Notebooks packed with different treasures for their mutual enjoyment.

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Feeling Henrietta

I am really a fan of the anime series of Log Horizon. Because it combines the elements of survival, exploration, and virtual game genre. Not to mention elements of politics, ethics, and betrayal. I am drawn to the commander type of characters in the anime which are Crusty and Shiroe. I like that they are manipulative yet a very superb leaders in their own right. With today's new episode, I finally realized that I have an in-anime avatar of sort...

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Henrietta

I value intelligence over brute force. Shiroe-sama is the embodiment of intelligence in the series. Even the charismatic leader of DDD, Crusty, acknowledges this. The legendary strategist and mana controller of the Debauchery Tea Party. I cannot shake off his charm on me. When he hatches his evil plans, oohh!!! It makes me shiver! When his fingers push his glasses inward, I know he has a plan. And i am very much willing to oblige.

His plans are flawless. His command is absolute. Shiroe-sama is my God.

But yet, I cannot act on those feelings. His complete trust in my abilities is something that is really important to me. More then my feelings, this trust is much much special for me.

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Wall Breaker

Few friends of mine are bugging me lately with my love life. Ha! Funny! Aside from the usual flirting episodes here and there, there is not much to share. Nada. Zilch.

On my end, I have given up on my futile attempts to get into a relationship. What's the point of getting into a relationship that you know from the start is doomed to just end? I'm not being a pessimist. I'm just being real. Reality bit me... Not just once... Not just twice... Not even just thrice... I have learned my lesson. And it has become who I am.

I am what you call an Old School Dyosa which can be described by one characteristic: I have a heart of a girl. I favor being treated like a lady. I like to be fetched. I like to be held by the hand when going down. I like to rest my head on a nice man's shoulder. I like to be given things that I did not ask for. I like to be walked home. I like to be pleased by the boy I like. Sounds like a princess huh?

But like I said, reality bit then chew me to smultch. I never experienced them with the men that are important to me. And these men mean a lot to me, I give them every resources that I can give. Time. Money. Effort. Everything. I try to savor my time with them because honestly, that's the only thing that I get from them. But after that, I really get this hollow feeling inside me that I will never get to fill.

Hence, my Queen persona. A Queen that created a castle wall from her fragile Princess heart. A Queen has her duties. A Queen has subjects to rule. The only mantra that would make sense for me to go on with this unfair world that I live in.

Love? Haha! Love?! No one can give me that! Can he break these walls that I made to survive? Can he treat me like a princess that I am? Can he still be my prince even if we're out in public?

No use in waiting. As Elsa once said, The cold never bothered me anyway...

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Dreamland Fantasy

It is one of the normal scenario in every gay man's life. You may say it's simply one of the bridges of trial that we have to cross. It's not easy task, mind you. You will be bombarded with fantasies of your desire which shall blind you the seemingly weak plank in that wooden bridge. One step on that, and you fall waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyy down. Based on experience, it is really hard to get that up on that bridge again. And you have to start over. But the beauty of the bridge of fantasy trials, it is sturdy; You just need to have the right mind to be able to cross it...

Just a few weeks ago, I severed ties with a close friend. The reason behind doing so is deeply rooted to this Bridge of Fantasy. I understand that he is a late bloomer for this kind of thing. But I just don't get it why he has not learn anything from his very own experiences. I believe that this sort of thing is essential for every gay man to learn by himself because it will provide you with enough pain to be stronger. But I simply become an absorber of his negativity and angst that stems from his immaturity.

I had enough.

Well, he was the first to snap when I blatantly told him the realities of his present predicament. What kind of brothers have sex with each other?" He fired back with a tirade of sentiments all saying the same thing: he thought I would listen. I was listening. I was listening to every cup of angst, every bottle of jealousy, and every slice hatred for every person going in between every MEN in his life. And I am highlighting this. HIS PROBLEM IS JUST THE SAME SCENARIO WITH DIFFERENT MEN!!!

Hatred Cycle
1. There is a new guy.
2. They will communicate regularly through text. Text when he wakes up, Text when he is going somewhwere, Text when he is breathing in and out, Text when he is closing his eyes to sleep.
3. They will develop a special bond.
4. They will have attachment in differing levels. He will emotionally invest more evident when he is doing special services to the guy.
5. They will have endearment. The special name calling phase (Kuya, Bestfriend,Boyfriend, etc)
6. There will be an issue. Guy will suddenly have a change of heart due to multitude of reasons / He will have cold feet about the relationship because he considers homosexual relationships as a sin / He will create his own issue because he acts like a jealous obsessed girlfriend.
7. He will leave the guy because he wants to be alone for a while. He will enter what we call his Ermitanyo mode wherein he cannot be found anywhere as if he retreated to some oddly world dimension.
8. He will come out of hiding and tries to fix things with the guy.
9. His effort will be in vain because the endearment is gone. He starts to curse the world for going against his relationship with the guy. Though he stills deny any feelings for the guy only shadowing it with the term, bestfriend, kuya, etc.
10. His heart will break and will cry.
11. As his heart recuperates, he meets a new guy.
12. Rinse and Repeat.

What I am frustrated the most is that in every complete cycle he just laments that it was his fault. It is always his fault anyway. He acts like an overly jealous and obsessed girlfriend. From what I read in Cosmo's top ten list of signs of being an obsessed girlfriend, he's a 10/10. What's more, HE IS NOT EVEN THE GUY'S GIRLFRIEND!!! HE ACTS LIKE IT BUT DENIES HAVING FEELINGS FOR THE GUY! Clearly, there is really a fine line between caring for a person and obsession.

But here's a shocker, "Ganun naman kasi talaga ako..." That's his defense for being that way. And he wouldn't change anything because that's the way he is he says. Yet, he always questions why everyone is leaving him. "Ganyan ka kasi...", is my short answer to that.

I do admit that I'm really hard on him. Perhaps because I went through the same thing. Same heartache. Same self-loathing. But those experiences changed me. Because I learned a lot from them. And those things made me who I am now. And I can say they changed me for the better. Which I think he still fighting to do. If only he will understand that he needs to make some changes regarding his attitude and way of life, he will be enlightened.

For a long time, I denied I have feelings for Albert when we were in college. I did. Not because I was scared he would reject me, but because I was just happy just being with him. That's why I acted like a girlfriend without saying anything, without expressing i wanted anything. Because I knew what my part was, I was his bestfriend and I was not his girlfriend. I never demanded that he fetch me, take me home, get me something on my birthday or text me everyday. I enjoy being beside him. Though that wasn't enough for me emotionally, but I knew that is the only scenario that I can settle in.

Naiilang ako...

When I first heard Albert say that and it was referenced to me, my world shattered. It hurt me more because I was really doing my best to just settle to just being beside him. And this is me not acting overly jealous and obsessed. What more for this friend of mind who acts like such.

Kung gusto mo kasing ikaw lang, jowain mo na.

That's the best advice that I gave him, but he retaliated with I'm not into him, I just don't look at him that way. Yeah right, then you have sex or you exchange kinky text message/pictures? Oh yeah. Tooooootally bestfriend-y/brotherly stuff.

If you call him Kuya, act like a little brother. If you call him your bestfriend, act like your his bestfriend. Don't mistake his endearment of friendship or special relationship like that of passionate love. Just because you are giving him attention, doesn't mean he is compelled to do the same to you. It's a free world. You just need to understand the fact that your into him and his not into you. You deny and deny, but that's the truth. Obsession is a negative form of love. It destroys relationships not bridge them. If you continue with this obsessive form of love, you just going through the cycle all over again.

Just like you, I have important men in my life. I have special names that I call them as they have with me. But i love them selflessly, without asking anything in return. Though sometimes I do have dirty thoughts of them with me, but I am bounded to the principle that I made for myself. That I will never have sex with any of them and I will never ask for anything in return. I do it because it makes me happy. And of course, because I love them and I enjoy being with them.

Open your eyes to reality. This is the real world. Wake up from your fantasy dreamland of your naked boys whom you call Kuya or Bestfriend. If you want to be with them do it right. Do not deny your feelings. You're just not being true to yourself.


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Commuter Cutie Story: Blue Shirt Kuya Jarnie-look-alike

Isiniksik ka na ngunit kulang pa rin!

I squeezed myself slowly as I move further to the back of a tin can called Genesis. My effects hurriedly placed on top of the open shelving as to not inhibit the narrow passage in which other sardines may pass through. Hopefully with every bit of tomato sauce puffed out by the aircon holes.

Our metallic packaging with wheels stopped by Tundol. It was here that "he" joined our sardine trip. He was wearing a bright blue shirt and was really giving a cool vibe. He stood behind Aaron his face nonchalant then raised his arms to hold on to the shelf. He turned his back to face the front and watched the movie on board.

It was during this time that my little sardine pancreas rodeo-ed in my PPE. Still standing mighty in that scenario, I was all smiley face and giving soft giggling sounds; Much to Peter's chagrin. Swerte!, I thought not minding this sardine parody of journey home.

Our status quo of standing with the blue guy facing the front was broken when he turned sideways around Hermosa area. My pancreas went crescendo on the rodeo. You can faintly hear the sound effects of Mario the plumber when he enters a pipe: Kilig kilig kilig! It was only that time that I got to see his features more clearly.

Well, he is fair skinned. Of course it was already evident given his sexy fair-skinned nape. He had his eyes closed while standing on one foot, his weight supported by the bus seat. He looked so angelic. His nose sharply pointing outward. His mouth closed and his brow slightly curved inward. Maybe that was due to the song he's listening that time since he had his earphones stuck to his ear all throughout the ride.

As we approached Layac, our bus decelerated to a stop. He opened his eyes and looked around when he felt that our sardine can was not moving. Shit. He whispered after observing the vehicle line up ahead and went back to his original position.

I smiled to that small activity. I confirmed that he's not a robot after all.

After passing through the bottleneck as we expected, our tin can of a bus went for a stopover. Almost all of the passengers in front step down as well as my angel in bright blue shirt. I tried my best to keep my kilig-much persona at bay before my companions. Before I knew it, the other passengers were embarking the bus. Then the conductor shouting that we are going already. "Teka lang, wala pa si Kuya!" I spoke silently. But not silent enough to be inaudible. "Sinong Kuya?", Peter asked. It was then that my angel in bright blue shirt went in slo-mo while entering.

HOMAYGASH!!! His eyes!!! Those INNOCENT EYES!!! My knees turned to slush. "Ayun oh... hihihi!" I answered Peter's question with my flirty fan-girl voice. He didn't hear me though since he had his earphones on.

Bright Blue Angel positioned back to his original station. The bus then went on his way. He continued to keep his eyes shut while listening to music while I continued dissecting his body.

After what seems like 10,000 rotation of our tin can with wheels, the couple beside me shouted to signal to the driver that they were getting off. As the disembark, I signaled Peter to sit. As I get comfy with my seat, i indulged on my Mr Bright Blue Shirt Angel. He had both his arms extended to the shelves for support. Ooh... Nice Shoulders! I mused to myself.

I took my phone and posted a status on Facebook:
"Ang tanging energy source ko lang sa pagtayo sa bus from Bataan to Pampanga ay si kuyang cutie na nakabright blue shirt na maputi at maamo ang mata. Mahal na kita. I love you! Chowz! ‪#‎BusRideTales‬"

A smile pasted on my face after my little deed. Afterwards, my seatmate exclaimed: "Anung kalandian to?" showing the status that I posted. Hahahahaha was the only thing I can rebut. A few moments later, I began to feel sleepy because of the work earlier. Before I traveled to dreamland, I took a quick fix of my blue angel before clsoing my eyes.

I came to when we are already in San Fernando. I woke up Peter to prepare for the end of our sardine trip. Cutie Bright Blue Angel also stepped down from the bus. I intently watched him as he takes his things from the bus's compartment. I gave him a last galnace before finally focusing on our group's next destination.

While walking towards Mc Donald's, "Kamukha nya si Kuya Jarnie ano?" I absentmindedly exclaimed. The two people with me affirmed.

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Unwritten Letter to No One

Conversations can really open up old wounds. But in my case, it reminded me of old scars. Memories that I kept hidden behind my tearducts...

I waited patiently by the park near C4. Navotas sector names adorn the park's centerpiece statue. It was a cool July evening. Soft breezes chill bystanders like me in the park. I was holding two tickets of the advance screening of Harry Potter 7.0. I was meeting the person I chose to go with for that special screening. My heart pounding in sync with every second that passes.

He approached me silently. He was on his bicycle when I saw him. He immediately parked his bike beside a nearby pot and then sat at the opposite side of the bench I was sitting on. We were silent for a few long cold minutes. In the end, I thawed the glacier with a smile, and handed over our ticket for the special screening.

He accepted it. Examined it closely. Then smiled. It was the smile that melted more ice during that encounter. We were able to converse more after that smile.

We began talking about things that I don't remember anymore. Maybe it was too trivial so it didn't earn spaces in my memory banks. But I do remember smiling because I was talking to the man I love.

Not long after, we parted ways since we both have work the next morning. I hopped on a jeepney and proceeded straight home.

Painful memories can stir things inside you. But for this instance, it was a happy memory. A happy memory that lead to not so happy memories. But then again, I was reminded of this when we talked about that particular park in Navotas.

It is a scar of yester-years but it is somehow a treat it visit... Why? Because it reminds me that how I became strong enough to stand on my own. To stand when there was not even ground to step on. A major part of me has moved on. But that tiny speckle of my heart still weeps everytime I remember events during that time.

I guess it still begs for closure.

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Love Letter para kay Reverend Marvin

Dear Reverend Marvin,

Alam mo ba Rev, unang beses palang kitang nakita, nanginig na sa kilig yung pancreas ko. Opo Rev, hindi ka nagkakamali ng basa, PANCREAS KO TALAGA YUNG KINILIG! Nagbabasa ka pa nun ng Gospel. Nakangiti ka pa nga nun habang nagbabasa eh. Ako naman, parang tangang nililipad na sa alapaan dahil sa angelic mong smile.


Nasilayan nalang kita muli nang ikaw yung magbasa ng Gospel para kay Pope nung mass sa Manila Cathedral. Medyo chubby chubby ka na ha. Haha! Pero pogi pa din. Kaya ayun, nag-overload na naman sa kilig yung pancreas ko. Close up na close up kasi yung mukha mo. Para akong hihimatayin twing pinagmamasdan ko ang maamo mong mukha. Ang gwapo gwapo mo kasi talaga Rev! Para kang anghel na bumuba sa lupa! Nakakaloka!

Kanina naman sa mass sa Quirino Grandstand, ayun ka, nakaupo sa tabi ni Archbishop Tagle. Ang lapit lapit mo kay Pope, isang mashonders na sakristan lang ang pagitan nyo. Kaya twing naka-wide shot yung stage, kitang kita kita na naka-Amen position yung kamay mo. Nanlalambot yung tuhod ko pagnakaganung tindig ka. Anghel ka talaga. Anghel ka talaga sa paningin ko. Para akong nakainom ng ecstasy pag nagpapanning yung camera at nahahagip ka. Sigaw ako ng sigaw na mukhang lokaret na haliparot. Lalo na nung si Archbishop Tagle na yung nagsasalita sa mic, antagal nakatutok ng camera sayo. Nonchalant ka lang nun, halatang nakikinig sa sinasabi ni Cardinal. Ughhhh grabeh! Sasabog ata yung pancreas ko nung mga oras na yun!

Haaay Reverend Marvin! Sabihin mo lang, magreresign ako para maging secretary mo for life! Super love you po!

Ang iyong Inhinyera Dyosa,

Whilhelmina


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