Uncertain feelings

Lately, I've been indulging myself with my new guilty pleasure. Yes. I consider it as a guilty pleasure. I consider HIM as My GUILTY PLEASURE.

There is never a time lately that I don't think about him. It's as if I reverted back to my old self. The self-conscious, self-tormenting self.

I feel anxious whenever he doesn't reply. I am always on the edge that maybe, I am once again just the flavor of the month. That what we had was simply him on a whim. And one day, he will just leave as sudden as he came knocking on my door.

I am still trying to figure out my feelings for him. It may be that I am just seeing bunso in him. And all the longing and the love that I have for bunso seems just so right for him. It's just unfair for him if that is the case.

I'm really torn with my feelings. I want to be closer to him but I don't want to do anything that will compromise our relationship. I'm just too comfortable with him around that the thought that he will eventually leave me is driving me mad. But I know I have no right to make him stay. Hell, I don't even have the right to demand his time. I'm simply a prisoner to the minuscule moment that he is giving me.

Do I love him? I think I do. But to what extent? That's what I'm still trying to figure out.

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In the passenger seat by Wilter von Phar


I was prepping to go back to Manila when I heard a knock on the door. I was dumbfounded for a second because I was not expecting anyone.

"Sino naman kaya to? Gabi na ah."

It was after office hours and I just went to my unit to get my things. As I approaced the door, another set of knocks reverberated.

I turned the knob to open the door and was surprised to find a grinning face.

"Anung meron? Bakit ka nandito?" I asked the smiling man outside my door.

"Uhm, tatanungin sana kita kung gusto mong sumabay saken pauwi?", still smiling.

"Huh?" I silently exclaimed.

"...di ba medyo short ka na sa budget?" He continued. "Sabay ka na saken para makatipid ka."

I raised an eyebrow and was a bit annoyed. But I kept it with my self and politely declined his invitation.

"Sana tinext mo nalang muna ako para di ka na naabala pa. Nagdetour ka pa dito." My innocent but icy remark.

"Nagtext naman ako sayo kanina eh. Di ka naman nagreply. Mukhang busy ka sa trabaho eh." Wow, he seems geniunely concerned. Actually I read that text earlier, I just chose not to reply.

"Ah eh di nako nagreply kasi late ko na sya nabasa nung uwian. I figured, umalis ka na agad nung tapos na office hours." Uhuh, me trying to be slick eh? "Tsaka ayoko namang maabala ka pa. Kaya sige na mauna ka na."

"Tutal nandito naman na ako intayin na kita. Andito lang ako sa labas, sa loob ng kotse. Get your things tapos sabay ka na saken, ha?" Still with his stupid smile. Why is he being stubborn? Can't he take a hint that I don't want to come with him?

"Jusko, bat ba ang kulit mo? Ayoko ngang sumabay. Tsaka baka matraffic ka kung di ka pa umalis." A little bit of bitchiness slipped but I regained it with my faux concern for his time.

It seems he understood what my small nasty slip-up meant. His smile disappeared and got all serious.

"Please." Woah there, serious guy.

"Please sumabay ka na." Yikes. "Please..." Now with puppy eyes. I don't know if he is consciously doing that but it will not work mister.

"...I need you..."

Shit.

He said it.

He said the magic words.

I swore that I will never abandon anyone who mutters those words.

Shit...

"Sige na nga. Sige dun ka na muna sa kotse, mukhang uulan na oh. Ayusin ko lang gamit ko." I finally surrendered to his pleas. Ugh. Why did he say those words? I bit my lower lip.

He walked backed to his car while I fixed my things. I already got everything packed so it didn't take a while. I locked up my unit and went straight to his car. I sat down in the passenger seat and threw my things in the backseat. I strapped myself down and was ready to be the shotgun of this ride to Manila. It was then that the rain start to go down.

"Ready ka na?" He asked sheepishly.

I nodded without looking at him. The engine was already on when i got in so we drove off instantly.

Familiar roads and surroundings was enveloped in wetness. His wiper noisily but effectively doing it's job as we go along the highway. I was quiet for the most part. I have no intention to start a conversation with him. I was not there on my own. I was just compelled because he said he needed me. Whether that's true or not, well... he's the one who can answer that.

"Galit ka ba saken?" He broke the ice cold silence.

"Huh? Baket naman ako magagalet?" External words. "Maang maangan at it's finest!" My internal thoughts. I was prepared for this question!

"Lately kasi parang iniiwasan mo ko. Di mo sinasagot ung mga tawag ko, kahit sa office phone. Di ka din nagrereply sa text, kahit sa messages ko sa Viber..."

Wow! So he noticed that. I'm surprised.

"Tapos ang sungit sungit mo pa saken. Ramdam na ramdam ko din na ang cold cold mo saken. Wala na ung sweet and light presence mo..." Woah. Sweet and light? What am I a dessert?

"May problema ba?" A very curious question was thrown at me.

I was not sure if i should answer that question. Maybe I was not prepared for the emotional distress that I know will follow once I answered it. So instead of answering, I just turned on his radio. Being the shotgun and all, it requires my mad dj skills.

But to my dismay he quickly turned it off and quiffed: "Sagutin mo naman ung tanong ko please. Importante saken to." As we continue to drive in less than optimal visibility.

Wow! Big words!

"Dahil ba saken kaya ka nagkakaganyan?"

It seems I can no longer evade his question. For the first time in that ride home, I looked at his face. His face is serious and he seems a bit distraught.

Sighing. I softly remarked, "Pabayaan mo nalang ako. Ganito ung way ko para i-let go ka..."

Saying that out loud felt like something got stuck in my throat. I don't like this kind of drama. To be more accurate, I'm fed up with this kind of drama.

"Ayoko naman na palakihin pa ung issue kasi ang gusto ko nalang mawala nalang ung attachment ko sayo."

We were still in the highway. We still have a long way to go and probably, lots to talk about. I knew I opened a big can of worms with what I said. But here's a chance to finally tell him why this is happening.

"i-let go ako? Baket?"

"Sa tingin mo baket?" Ha! Nice counter!

He got quiet for a while then remarked: "Dahil ba to sa girlfriend ko?"

Wow! He's surprisingly very receptive ah! For a straight guy! I'm impressed!

"Eh sabihan ba naman ako na mangaagaw ng boyfriend sino bang matutuwa?" Baring my fangs and claws. "Wala akong ginagawang masama. Walang namamagitan saten. Magkaibigan lang tayo. Tapos sasabihan ako ng ganon? Fuck diba?!"

I exploded. I was so damn furious because I am being accused of doing something I did not. I'm simply a friend. His friend.

He didn't say a word. He's probably trying to check my temper. I don't really lash out like this so he's new to this.

"I'm sorry pero I'm never going to be used to this drama. This is not the first time that this has happened. Dati sinabihan ako na naiilang daw sya sken! Fuck! Mukha ba akong nang-aakit? Mabait ako kasi kaibigan nyo ako! Pero binibigyan ng kulay ng ibang tao ung kabaitan ko!", My mouth slew words in rapid succession. "...Kaya ako nalang maadjust. Ayoko na ung drama! Nakakasawa na eh!" I added, my body trembling with anger.

"So ang solusyon mo eh i-let go ako?"

"Oo! Pag nawala ang attachment ko sayo, hindi na kelangan isipin pa. I'm sorry pero friendship with me comes with this attachment and special services. I'm just trying to still be your friend and give you the services kahit hindi nako attached sayo. Ang labo lang kasi na mawawalan ka ng kaibigan over something this trivial." I was fighting back the tears amidst my loud voice.

"Sorry ganyan na pala nararamdaman mo. Sorry talaga. Pabayaan mo kakausapin ko girlfriend ko."

"Alam mo wag na. Mag aaway lang kayo. Alam ko na yun kasunod nyan kasi nga sabi ko sayo hindi to first time na mangyari saken. Kaya ako nalang magaadjust. I just dont want the drama. Mukha namang mahal na mahal mo ung girlfriend mo, tsaka i want you two to be together."

"Pero unfair naman sayo na ganun iniisip nya sayo. Wala ka namang ginagawang masama."

"Exactly. Wala akong ginagawang masama. Kaya nga ang sama sama ng loob ko. Para akong sinampal kahit na wala naman akong kasalanan. Pero wag na, kasi nga mag aaway lang kayo. And I am not worth it."

"Pero... what if ikaw ang kumausap sa kanya?"

"Makinig ka. Kung mapapaliwanagan ang girlfriend mo, hindi issue sa kanya ang presence ko sa tabi mo. Hindi mo nga nadefend sa kaya na wala akong gusto sayo eh, what makes you think na makikinig sya saken?"

He suddenly became silent. I don't know, maybe he was thinking about what I said? Uncomfortable silence filled his car. Even with ambient rain drops as background noise, i couldn't bear the silence that we have in that car.

I turned the radio on again, hopefully to break some ice. And Adam Levine's voice echoed as he belts out the song, She will be loved.

Song faded and Stay by Carol Banawa played its intro.

"Punyeta. Nananadya ba tong radyo?" I thought.

🎵 i want you stay 🎵
🎵 Never go away from me 🎵
🎵 Stay forever🎵

He lowered the volume of the radio then said, "Hindi ko na ba mababago ung isip mo? Ano na lang magiging set up natin?"

He seems to be really concerned about this. I can discern his melancholy just with the way he asked his questions.

"Wag ka na malungkot. Kaibigan mo pa rin naman ako. Iiwasan ko lang na magselos ung girlfriend mo. Ako na mismo ung pipigil sa sarili ko na maging malapit tayo. Basta kung kelangan mo ako tutulungan kita. Pero hindi na katulad dati na kahit di mo ako kelangan nandyan ako."

"Bakit mo pa kasi kelangan gawin yan? Kakausapin ko na lang girlfriend ko para matapos na to!" He's getting a bit agitated.

We just entered the expressway. No traffic despite the heavy rain throughout our journey. I kept quiet after he raised his voice.

"Sorry." I mumbled.

"Ha?"

"Sabi ko sorry." With confidence.

"Bakit ka naman nagsosorry? Ako nga may atraso sayo."

"Di mo naman kasalanan yun. Di naman kita sinisisi dun. Nagsosorry ako kasi, selfish decision ko to."

"Panong selfish decision?"

I gave a very deep sigh and proceeded to tell my true reasons.

"This is the only way for me to save myself from the pain. Nasasaktan ako. Masakit para saken gawin to." I am desperately trying to fight back my tears. "Pero ayoko naman mawala ka completely sa buhay ko. Ayoko na mawalan ng kaibigan dahil lang sa ganito."

Silence again. Ice cold silence.

We continued our journey in the express way in that quiet moment. Neither of us said a word. He continued to drive while I looked at the window pane on my right. We passed by fields and buildings. Familiar sceneries from my weekly travel back and forth from our plant and home.

After a while, we stopped by the toll plaza. While waiting our turn, I looked at him. Surprisingly, he looked into my direction as well. His eyes were filled with sorrow. It pains me to see him like this. I bit my lip again then looked away.

When it was our turn, I gave him the exact amount for our toll.

"Wag na. Ako na." He said. While trying to sweep my hand away.

"Sige na. Eto na oh sakto na oh." I knew the exact amount because my job requires me to go to Manila once in a while aboard our service.

"Kaya ka nga sumabay saken para makatipid ka diba?"

"Sige na. Baka eto na ang last na maisakay mo ko dito." Yes. It will be.

With that quip, he froze for a good few seconds then took the money and payed the toll lady. He was silent while the lady processed our transaction. As soon as the bar went up, we went our way again towards Manila.

"Huli na ba talaga?", he asked while not looking at me. His eyes still on the road.

We both exasperated deep sighs. I looked at him and continued my litany.

"Alam mo, kung ako lang, ayoko naman sanang may magbago saten. Pero acknowledge naman natin ung mga nangyayari ngayon. Iba dati na tayo tayo lang ang iniisip natin. Ngayon may iba na... May girlfriend ka na." My voice softens as I say those words.

"Hindi mo naman kelangan pumili.", I continued. "Kaya ko nga ginagawa to para hindi mo na kakailanganing pumili..."

"Damn!", he exclaimed while hitting the steering wheel. He then became silent. You can read what he is feeling from his face.

I let him be and i just sat there silently. Quite frankly, I'm trying to fight of my tears. My heart has been aching since the moment I saw him distraught. Yet, I can't do anything to help him.

We just stopped talking in the remainder of the ride. I turned up the volume of the radio just to mask the obvious tension between us.

Soon after, his cellphone rang. His girlfriend was calling. I knew it was her. I was the one who told him to assign a specific ringtone for his girlfriend so he knows if she's calling immediately. I turned down the volume so he can talk to her. When he answered the call, I busied myself with the other cars on the expressway. Pardon that I cannot describe them in detail as I am completely clueless in car models. The best I can describe them is by color or size.

"Tinatanong lang nya kung nasan ako." He broke the silence, "nagpapasundo sya sa isang mall."

"Ah ganun ba... sige, ibaba mo nalang ako sa may overpass pag nakalabas na tayo ng NLEX para makadirecho ka na sa pagsundo sa kanya." I replied, mellowing out.

"Okay lang, ihahatid kita sa inyo.", he replied.

"Wag na, masyado nang out of way. Malelate ka pang sunduin ung girlfriend mo. Remember Friday ngayon. Kaya naman siguro yun nagpapasundo kasi ayaw na nya magcommute.", reasoning with him.

"Okay lang yun. Inaya kitang sumabay, marapat lang na tuparin ko ung end of the bargain." At this point, I'm starting to get pissed.

"Kaya magseselos ang girlfriend mo eh! Don't add fuel to fire!", my icy remark. Well it's true!

"Anung fuel to fire ang pinagsasabi mo dyan?! Wala akong ginagawang masama! Ikaw na nagsabi kanina magkaibigan lang tayo! Ginagawa ko to bilang kaibigan mo!"

"Alam ko naman yan! Pinagseselosan ako ng girlfriend mo! Alam kong alam mo yan! Kaya nga hindi mo sinabing kasama mo ako ngayon diba? Kaya nga simula ng malaman mo na pinagseselosan nya ako, kinailangan ko nang maging hangin pag kasama ka!" I blurted out in a fit of anger. It's true! He hides the fact that I'm with him everytime his girlfriend calls!

"Akala mo ba di ko napapansin?!", I continued ranting, "... Di ako nagsasalita kasi yun ang mas makakabuti! Dahil ayoko na nga ng drama! Bakit akala mo wala lang saken un? Ha?! Nung araw na unang ginawa mo saken yan, umiiyak ako sa likod ng kotse mo! Hindi ako humihikbi pero ung puso ko durog na durog! Ikinahiya mo ko! Dineny mo ung pagkatao ko!"

I wiped away my tears as a blurted out those words. All the pain in my heart just urged me to say everything. I may have planned not to leave him but it seems it's inevitable.

He continued to drive silently. As if he did not hear me. Not that it matter.

Finally, we exited the expressway. We were silent all the way out of it. I shouted at him 3 times that day. The first 3 and last 3 times i raised my voice in front of him.

"Itabi mo na lang dyan sa may overpass." I calmly declared.

He turned to the side shoulder and stopped the car. I looked at him as he stares back at me. His eyes, I can read it in his eyes. He's telling me to stay. But I made up my mind. I will not trouble him anymore in having to him choose between me and his girlfriend. It's just not fair for him.

I placed my left hand on his right shoulder. "Take care of yourself okay?" I said and gave a shy smile. A smile so fake it's made in China. He nodded but I can still see sadness in his eyes.

I took of my seatbelt, gathered my things, and stepped out of the car. I went straight to the overpass. As soon as I began ascending the stairs, his car passed where I stood. It was a slow mo moment. I was able to catch a glimpse of his face as his car whizz by.

At the top platform, I was not able to contain my emotions anymore. I broke down while I watch his car disappear in the metro. That must have been a goodbye.

I continued on walking in the platform while crying. Good thing no one was around to see that I was in tears. I gave a deep sigh and went down the stairs.

On the ground, I was 'normal' again. As if my breakdown never happened. My mask is now on again. Defenses up! I hailed a jeep, rode the vehicle, and it drove away.

"Ma, bayad po!", smiling but silently in tears in the passenger seat.



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Last night ni Wilter von Phar

Etong tulang ito ay based sa kanta ni Toey Sittiwat na pinamagatang "I cant hug you" na syang isang OST ng Make It Right The Series, na kinababaliwan kong Thais Series mapasahanggang ngayon. Super nakarelate ako sa emosyon ng kanta. Kaya alay ko sayo to Book, ung character ni Toey.

About the title, ginawa ko syang english dahil gusto ko ung duality ng interpretation ng "Last Night", pwede syang 'Kagabi' or 'Huling gabi'. Sa bandang dulo, bahala na si reader kung iinterpret nyang kung ang pinatay ba nung narrator eh ung sarili nya (suicide) or ung damdamin nya (nagmove on).

Last Night ni Wilter Von Phar

Nakatingin lang ako sa langit
Minamasdan ang mga bituin
Gumugulong ulap sa ihip ng hangin.
Malamig. Pero di naman ako nanginginig.
Malamig, un ang nararamdaman ko.
Malamig. Dahil sa gabing ito.
Lilisan ka na katulad ng mga ulap
Na kanina'y sa buwan nakatakip.

Nasa tuktok tayo ng gusali
Di ko na maalala kung san yon
Basta andun tayo. Nakatayo.
Sa ilalim ng liwanag ng buwan.

Lumingon ako sayo.
Nakatayo ka lang doon.
Nakatingin. Seryoso.
Hindi ko naman masabing galit
Pero hindi ka kasi nakangiti.
Lumapit ako at tumayo sa harap mo.
Ngayon magkatingin na tayo.
Habang bumabagsak ang liwanag ng ilaw ng buwan sa ating mga mukha

Gusto kong tumigil ang oras
Yun bang wag na matapos ung ating tagpo
Alam ko kasing un na ang huling beses na magkakaharap tayo ng ganun
Tinititigan kita na para bang kinakabisado ko ang bulto mo
Magkatingin pa rin tayo
Akala mo nag uusap gamit ang paningin
Pero wala akong maintindihan sa gusto mong sabihin o ipahiwatig
Sapagkat hirap na akong pigilin ang mga luha kong pumatak

Hindi na ako nakatiis.
Lumapit ako para yakapin ka.
Sinubsob ko ang mukha ko sa kaliwang balikat mo
Sabay ng pagpulupot ng mga braso ko sa iyong balikat at leeg
Niyapos mo na din ako sa tagpong yon
Huminga ako ng malalim
Inalala ko ang dahilan kung paano tayo umabot sa ganito

Hinigpitan ko pa yapos ko sayo
Sa pagalala ko sa lahat ng mga tagpo natin
Ung mga ngiti mo
Ung mga tawa mo
Ung mga titig mo
Lahat ng yon bumalik sa aking tanaw
Habang ang ulo mo'y nakabagsak din sa balikat ko

Sa bandang huli, unti unti akong bumitaw sayo
Unti unti nagkalayo ang mga katawan natin
At muling bumalik ang ginaw ng paligid
Magkaharap tayong muli
Nagkakatitigan nanaman ulit.
At katulad ng pagbitaw ko sa iyong mga bisig
Ikaw na ang bumitaw sa ating pagkatitig
Dahan dahan ka nang naglakad pabalik
Tumalikod, at tinungo ang daan paalis

Naiwan ako sa lamig at luwag ng bubong
Habang pinapanood kang unti unting mawala.
Nais kong sumigaw
Nais kong humiyaw
Nais kong umayaw sa eksenang naganap
Ngunit sa pag alis mo at hindi mo paglingon
Wala na akong nagawa, dahil alam kong kagustuhan mo yon

Ngayon nakatingin nanaman ako sa langit
Hawak hawak ang balikat kung saan ang ulo mo'y huling dumantay
Sinusulyapan ko yon, inaalala
ang hugis
ang bigat
ang emosyon ng taong huling pumatong roon.
Isang malalim na hininga ang pinakawalan ko

Yon ang ating huling gabi...

Ang aking huling gabi...

Ang huling pagtibok ng puso ko...

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I'm in love with you no more

After the AlDub fever, I took a nap to contain all the excitement. I was really slated to leave the house to meet with you. But I elected to sleep since I was still very tired from all Bataan work.

That evening, I was in blogathon mode. It was then that I realized that maybe the reason why I decided not to meet with you is that I am not in love with you anymore... Maybe the person that I'm really in-loved with is my memory of you and not the person you are right now.

That's only the logical explanation why I don't feel anything about what happened. I'm missing my memory of you that's why I'm eager to reply to your messages. But that is it. I'm in love with the ghost that was you.


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Break my Heart Some More

It was my turn in the cashier line when I suddenly froze when I saw him.

I know he isn't who I think he is. Though he has the same slim build, he is taller. But I cannot deny that his eyes, shape of his face, his mannerism in speaking, and his smile all resemble...

"him"...

It was at this point that Jason Dy's Break My Heart (Some More) played instinctively in my mind. I was looping it in Spotify earlier during my travel from San Fernando to Manila. Emotions associated with certain memories began to fill my heart. My heart grew heavy while I was waiting for my groceries to be scanned. Though my watery gates from my eyes have long been dried, those feelings of longing and deep passion are still as pure as the day I locked them inside of me.

I was waiting longer in line because the mustard jar that I bought was not yet included in the scanned items list. This gave me a chance to silently observe the person who reminded me of my forlorn past.

When I saw his name from his exposed ID, I grew even more tense. His name is [*insert initials here*] S. Bautista. Same Middle Initial, Same Surname. Just to check is they are really related, I checked the bagger boy's facebook profile. It was really not hard to find since he uses his real name. I was at first dumbstruck when I saw that he lives in Navotas. But it seems they are not Facebook friends.

I began to be haunted by the ghost of unanswered questions of my previous make-believe relationship.

Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?

I snapped out of my ghastly disilluions when finally the last product was finally scanned and paid for. He handed me my pack of groceries. I said thank you nonchalantly and walked away.

On my ride home, I realized that you don't really move on from this kind of separation. We didn't have proper closure . I cannot say that we broke up since we didn't really prosper into the relationship. Needless to say, he threw me away when I wasn't needed anymore. Without warning. Without any signs. He just left me...

I was trying to build a dream with him. It was a dream that we both share that's why I was excited. Or should I say, I was the more excited one. But in the end, he shattered it without even looking back at me.

Like I said, you don't really move on unless you have closure. You simply just get used to the pain and then try to stand up on your own while picking up the pieces of your heart. I came to the conclusion that his world is moving normally, why should mine stop? I stood up and here I am.

But now that these deeply buried emotions are out once more, let me just say that I still await for closure. If needed be, take a cue from Jason Dy...

"...break my heart some more so I can finally say goodbye..."

Break my heart with the truth and I will finally say goodbye...


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Ghost in my heart

Napanaginipan na naman kita...

Nakatingin ka sakin. Nakangiti. Ang mukha mong mala-anghel ay may tuumutubo nang balbas. Infairness, bagay!

Nakasuot ka ng puti. Bagay na bagay sa kutis mong maputi rin.

Gwapo ka pa rin. Inaamin ko naman na yang mukhang yan ang unang bumihag saken. Yung mukhang inosente. Yung mukhang anghel. Yung mukhang nagpapatalon sa puso ko...

...noon

Nagising ako sa tunog ng alarm. Dumilat na ako pero nanatili pa ding nakahiga. Iniisip ko kung bakit ikaw yung napaginipan ko. Hindi naman kita iniisip. Marami akong trabaho at binabasa. Walang panahon para isipin kita.

Mahal pa ba kita? Yun nalang ang naiisip kong dahilan. Para saken imposible yun. Kasi nung nagdesisyon akong kalimutan na ang pagmamahal ko sayo, binigay ko na ito sa iba...

Naalala ko pa nung umiiyak ako sa taas ng burol habang umuuulan. Damang dama ko ang lamig habang umiiyak ako. Pero yun lang ang naisip kong paraan para hindi na masaktan at hindi na din ako makagulo sayo. Win-win diba?

Binigay ko na sa iba ang pagmamahal na dapat para sayo. Binigay ko lahat. Kaya sigurado ako, hindi kita mahal katulad ng pagmamahal ko sayo dati.

Pero hindi pa rin nasasagot ang tanong ko... Bakit ba kita napanaginipan?

Nakikita ko naman yung picture mo minsan, pero wala na ung lundag ng puso na nararamdaman ko dati. Wala yung pagnanais na makita ka talaga at makasama araw araw. Kaya ang laking misteryo kung bakit kita napanaginipan. Dahil wala naman akong nararamdaman sa twing nahahagip ng mga mata ko ang larawan mo.

Hindi na kita mahal. Pero bakit napanaginipan pa rin kita?

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The Notebook, a BnBp inspired life story

It was a pretty normal school weekday for Steward. He arrived on time for the flag ceremony and placed his bag in line with those of his classmates. The usual flag raising scenario everyday for the past year or so since he transferred to that school. Nothing new really… Except for that new song that they are forced to perform the action while singing. Urgh. But other than that, it was just a typical day in the life of a male high school student.

After a few announcements, classes were allowed to proceed in their respective rooms. Steward’s class occupies the room beside the girl’s comfort room on the second floor of the building nearest the second gate. Hence, they usually the first class to arrive to their classroom.

He sat down on his new seat nonchalantly. Their class had their seats rearranged. He was now seated on the 4th row 2nd seat from the back left of the pair of chairs. Not that it mattered to him. It was just simply a change in scenery from a big white wall to a row of windows. Even his new seatmate is not an issue. A new victim of his jokes and antics. Typical day for Steward indeed.

Or so he thought…

That very typical morning after their Biology class, he noticed his classmates Rene and Edwin were trading notebooks. At that time, he really didn’t give it any second thought. After all, it is normal for classmates to exchange notes. But on that typical day, some unknown power triggered the event that will change Steward’s life forever. This mysterious force caused one of the notebooks being traded to fall to the floor. Its hidden treasure burst from its confinement and rolled near Steward’s seat.

“Ano yan?” he asked curiously.

A long silence followed that inquiry. No words were uttered to answer his question. Just solemn muteness that lasted for about 10 seconds.

After a decade of quiet seconds to temper the waters, one of the boys grabbed the fallen notebook and retrieved the sacred treasure back to its chest. He handed the “treasure chest” to Steward who accepted it. Confused, Steward slowly opened the “chest” to reveal its “treasure”.

A blinding light burst from the opened notebook. Angelic harmony echoing simultaneously with the intense luminosity. There, glowing clamped between the pages of the notebook, is the sacred trade of pubescent males in that high school.

It was a CD. A video CD to be exact. This particular video CD is designed with women looking anguished, their busty bodies noticeably tense. In the middle, a shadowy figure of a laughing man clasping a distraught maven into his monstrous hands. Above these images, a huge caption reads: PROFESSOR PAIN XXX.

It was definitely one eureka moment for Steward. It was a don’t ask, don’t tell kind of thing. A malicious grin appeared on his face. A grin he shared with his classmates Rene and Edwin. [: D]

That typical day in a life of a male high school student was the day that Steward was blessed by the sacred light of the Notebook’s treasure. It was the day that he took the Notebook’s content, accepted it, and molded by it. Needless to say, Professor Pain introduced him to the light of this underground world of pubescent males.

From that moment on, exchanging notebooks was never again the same in the eyes of Steward. Especially, trading notebooks with malicious grins by pubescent males in his high school. Notebooks packed with different treasures for their mutual enjoyment.

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Feeling Henrietta

I am really a fan of the anime series of Log Horizon. Because it combines the elements of survival, exploration, and virtual game genre. Not to mention elements of politics, ethics, and betrayal. I am drawn to the commander type of characters in the anime which are Crusty and Shiroe. I like that they are manipulative yet a very superb leaders in their own right. With today's new episode, I finally realized that I have an in-anime avatar of sort...

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Henrietta

I value intelligence over brute force. Shiroe-sama is the embodiment of intelligence in the series. Even the charismatic leader of DDD, Crusty, acknowledges this. The legendary strategist and mana controller of the Debauchery Tea Party. I cannot shake off his charm on me. When he hatches his evil plans, oohh!!! It makes me shiver! When his fingers push his glasses inward, I know he has a plan. And i am very much willing to oblige.

His plans are flawless. His command is absolute. Shiroe-sama is my God.

But yet, I cannot act on those feelings. His complete trust in my abilities is something that is really important to me. More then my feelings, this trust is much much special for me.

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Wall Breaker

Few friends of mine are bugging me lately with my love life. Ha! Funny! Aside from the usual flirting episodes here and there, there is not much to share. Nada. Zilch.

On my end, I have given up on my futile attempts to get into a relationship. What's the point of getting into a relationship that you know from the start is doomed to just end? I'm not being a pessimist. I'm just being real. Reality bit me... Not just once... Not just twice... Not even just thrice... I have learned my lesson. And it has become who I am.

I am what you call an Old School Dyosa which can be described by one characteristic: I have a heart of a girl. I favor being treated like a lady. I like to be fetched. I like to be held by the hand when going down. I like to rest my head on a nice man's shoulder. I like to be given things that I did not ask for. I like to be walked home. I like to be pleased by the boy I like. Sounds like a princess huh?

But like I said, reality bit then chew me to smultch. I never experienced them with the men that are important to me. And these men mean a lot to me, I give them every resources that I can give. Time. Money. Effort. Everything. I try to savor my time with them because honestly, that's the only thing that I get from them. But after that, I really get this hollow feeling inside me that I will never get to fill.

Hence, my Queen persona. A Queen that created a castle wall from her fragile Princess heart. A Queen has her duties. A Queen has subjects to rule. The only mantra that would make sense for me to go on with this unfair world that I live in.

Love? Haha! Love?! No one can give me that! Can he break these walls that I made to survive? Can he treat me like a princess that I am? Can he still be my prince even if we're out in public?

No use in waiting. As Elsa once said, The cold never bothered me anyway...

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Dreamland Fantasy

It is one of the normal scenario in every gay man's life. You may say it's simply one of the bridges of trial that we have to cross. It's not easy task, mind you. You will be bombarded with fantasies of your desire which shall blind you the seemingly weak plank in that wooden bridge. One step on that, and you fall waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyy down. Based on experience, it is really hard to get that up on that bridge again. And you have to start over. But the beauty of the bridge of fantasy trials, it is sturdy; You just need to have the right mind to be able to cross it...

Just a few weeks ago, I severed ties with a close friend. The reason behind doing so is deeply rooted to this Bridge of Fantasy. I understand that he is a late bloomer for this kind of thing. But I just don't get it why he has not learn anything from his very own experiences. I believe that this sort of thing is essential for every gay man to learn by himself because it will provide you with enough pain to be stronger. But I simply become an absorber of his negativity and angst that stems from his immaturity.

I had enough.

Well, he was the first to snap when I blatantly told him the realities of his present predicament. What kind of brothers have sex with each other?" He fired back with a tirade of sentiments all saying the same thing: he thought I would listen. I was listening. I was listening to every cup of angst, every bottle of jealousy, and every slice hatred for every person going in between every MEN in his life. And I am highlighting this. HIS PROBLEM IS JUST THE SAME SCENARIO WITH DIFFERENT MEN!!!

Hatred Cycle
1. There is a new guy.
2. They will communicate regularly through text. Text when he wakes up, Text when he is going somewhwere, Text when he is breathing in and out, Text when he is closing his eyes to sleep.
3. They will develop a special bond.
4. They will have attachment in differing levels. He will emotionally invest more evident when he is doing special services to the guy.
5. They will have endearment. The special name calling phase (Kuya, Bestfriend,Boyfriend, etc)
6. There will be an issue. Guy will suddenly have a change of heart due to multitude of reasons / He will have cold feet about the relationship because he considers homosexual relationships as a sin / He will create his own issue because he acts like a jealous obsessed girlfriend.
7. He will leave the guy because he wants to be alone for a while. He will enter what we call his Ermitanyo mode wherein he cannot be found anywhere as if he retreated to some oddly world dimension.
8. He will come out of hiding and tries to fix things with the guy.
9. His effort will be in vain because the endearment is gone. He starts to curse the world for going against his relationship with the guy. Though he stills deny any feelings for the guy only shadowing it with the term, bestfriend, kuya, etc.
10. His heart will break and will cry.
11. As his heart recuperates, he meets a new guy.
12. Rinse and Repeat.

What I am frustrated the most is that in every complete cycle he just laments that it was his fault. It is always his fault anyway. He acts like an overly jealous and obsessed girlfriend. From what I read in Cosmo's top ten list of signs of being an obsessed girlfriend, he's a 10/10. What's more, HE IS NOT EVEN THE GUY'S GIRLFRIEND!!! HE ACTS LIKE IT BUT DENIES HAVING FEELINGS FOR THE GUY! Clearly, there is really a fine line between caring for a person and obsession.

But here's a shocker, "Ganun naman kasi talaga ako..." That's his defense for being that way. And he wouldn't change anything because that's the way he is he says. Yet, he always questions why everyone is leaving him. "Ganyan ka kasi...", is my short answer to that.

I do admit that I'm really hard on him. Perhaps because I went through the same thing. Same heartache. Same self-loathing. But those experiences changed me. Because I learned a lot from them. And those things made me who I am now. And I can say they changed me for the better. Which I think he still fighting to do. If only he will understand that he needs to make some changes regarding his attitude and way of life, he will be enlightened.

For a long time, I denied I have feelings for Albert when we were in college. I did. Not because I was scared he would reject me, but because I was just happy just being with him. That's why I acted like a girlfriend without saying anything, without expressing i wanted anything. Because I knew what my part was, I was his bestfriend and I was not his girlfriend. I never demanded that he fetch me, take me home, get me something on my birthday or text me everyday. I enjoy being beside him. Though that wasn't enough for me emotionally, but I knew that is the only scenario that I can settle in.

Naiilang ako...

When I first heard Albert say that and it was referenced to me, my world shattered. It hurt me more because I was really doing my best to just settle to just being beside him. And this is me not acting overly jealous and obsessed. What more for this friend of mind who acts like such.

Kung gusto mo kasing ikaw lang, jowain mo na.

That's the best advice that I gave him, but he retaliated with I'm not into him, I just don't look at him that way. Yeah right, then you have sex or you exchange kinky text message/pictures? Oh yeah. Tooooootally bestfriend-y/brotherly stuff.

If you call him Kuya, act like a little brother. If you call him your bestfriend, act like your his bestfriend. Don't mistake his endearment of friendship or special relationship like that of passionate love. Just because you are giving him attention, doesn't mean he is compelled to do the same to you. It's a free world. You just need to understand the fact that your into him and his not into you. You deny and deny, but that's the truth. Obsession is a negative form of love. It destroys relationships not bridge them. If you continue with this obsessive form of love, you just going through the cycle all over again.

Just like you, I have important men in my life. I have special names that I call them as they have with me. But i love them selflessly, without asking anything in return. Though sometimes I do have dirty thoughts of them with me, but I am bounded to the principle that I made for myself. That I will never have sex with any of them and I will never ask for anything in return. I do it because it makes me happy. And of course, because I love them and I enjoy being with them.

Open your eyes to reality. This is the real world. Wake up from your fantasy dreamland of your naked boys whom you call Kuya or Bestfriend. If you want to be with them do it right. Do not deny your feelings. You're just not being true to yourself.


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