Isiniksik ka na ngunit kulang pa rin!

I squeezed myself slowly as I move further to the back of a tin can called Genesis. My effects hurriedly placed on top of the open shelving as to not inhibit the narrow passage in which other sardines may pass through. Hopefully with every bit of tomato sauce puffed out by the aircon holes.

Our metallic packaging with wheels stopped by Tundol. It was here that "he" joined our sardine trip. He was wearing a bright blue shirt and was really giving a cool vibe. He stood behind Aaron his face nonchalant then raised his arms to hold on to the shelf. He turned his back to face the front and watched the movie on board.

It was during this time that my little sardine pancreas rodeo-ed in my PPE. Still standing mighty in that scenario, I was all smiley face and giving soft giggling sounds; Much to Peter's chagrin. Swerte!, I thought not minding this sardine parody of journey home.

Our status quo of standing with the blue guy facing the front was broken when he turned sideways around Hermosa area. My pancreas went crescendo on the rodeo. You can faintly hear the sound effects of Mario the plumber when he enters a pipe: Kilig kilig kilig! It was only that time that I got to see his features more clearly.

Well, he is fair skinned. Of course it was already evident given his sexy fair-skinned nape. He had his eyes closed while standing on one foot, his weight supported by the bus seat. He looked so angelic. His nose sharply pointing outward. His mouth closed and his brow slightly curved inward. Maybe that was due to the song he's listening that time since he had his earphones stuck to his ear all throughout the ride.

As we approached Layac, our bus decelerated to a stop. He opened his eyes and looked around when he felt that our sardine can was not moving. Shit. He whispered after observing the vehicle line up ahead and went back to his original position.

I smiled to that small activity. I confirmed that he's not a robot after all.

After passing through the bottleneck as we expected, our tin can of a bus went for a stopover. Almost all of the passengers in front step down as well as my angel in bright blue shirt. I tried my best to keep my kilig-much persona at bay before my companions. Before I knew it, the other passengers were embarking the bus. Then the conductor shouting that we are going already. "Teka lang, wala pa si Kuya!" I spoke silently. But not silent enough to be inaudible. "Sinong Kuya?", Peter asked. It was then that my angel in bright blue shirt went in slo-mo while entering.

HOMAYGASH!!! His eyes!!! Those INNOCENT EYES!!! My knees turned to slush. "Ayun oh... hihihi!" I answered Peter's question with my flirty fan-girl voice. He didn't hear me though since he had his earphones on.

Bright Blue Angel positioned back to his original station. The bus then went on his way. He continued to keep his eyes shut while listening to music while I continued dissecting his body.

After what seems like 10,000 rotation of our tin can with wheels, the couple beside me shouted to signal to the driver that they were getting off. As the disembark, I signaled Peter to sit. As I get comfy with my seat, i indulged on my Mr Bright Blue Shirt Angel. He had both his arms extended to the shelves for support. Ooh... Nice Shoulders! I mused to myself.

I took my phone and posted a status on Facebook:
"Ang tanging energy source ko lang sa pagtayo sa bus from Bataan to Pampanga ay si kuyang cutie na nakabright blue shirt na maputi at maamo ang mata. Mahal na kita. I love you! Chowz! ‪#‎BusRideTales‬"

A smile pasted on my face after my little deed. Afterwards, my seatmate exclaimed: "Anung kalandian to?" showing the status that I posted. Hahahahaha was the only thing I can rebut. A few moments later, I began to feel sleepy because of the work earlier. Before I traveled to dreamland, I took a quick fix of my blue angel before clsoing my eyes.

I came to when we are already in San Fernando. I woke up Peter to prepare for the end of our sardine trip. Cutie Bright Blue Angel also stepped down from the bus. I intently watched him as he takes his things from the bus's compartment. I gave him a last galnace before finally focusing on our group's next destination.

While walking towards Mc Donald's, "Kamukha nya si Kuya Jarnie ano?" I absentmindedly exclaimed. The two people with me affirmed.

Conversations can really open up old wounds. But in my case, it reminded me of old scars. Memories that I kept hidden behind my tearducts...

I waited patiently by the park near C4. Navotas sector names adorn the park's centerpiece statue. It was a cool July evening. Soft breezes chill bystanders like me in the park. I was holding two tickets of the advance screening of Harry Potter 7.0. I was meeting the person I chose to go with for that special screening. My heart pounding in sync with every second that passes.

He approached me silently. He was on his bicycle when I saw him. He immediately parked his bike beside a nearby pot and then sat at the opposite side of the bench I was sitting on. We were silent for a few long cold minutes. In the end, I thawed the glacier with a smile, and handed over our ticket for the special screening.

He accepted it. Examined it closely. Then smiled. It was the smile that melted more ice during that encounter. We were able to converse more after that smile.

We began talking about things that I don't remember anymore. Maybe it was too trivial so it didn't earn spaces in my memory banks. But I do remember smiling because I was talking to the man I love.

Not long after, we parted ways since we both have work the next morning. I hopped on a jeepney and proceeded straight home.

Painful memories can stir things inside you. But for this instance, it was a happy memory. A happy memory that lead to not so happy memories. But then again, I was reminded of this when we talked about that particular park in Navotas.

It is a scar of yester-years but it is somehow a treat it visit... Why? Because it reminds me that how I became strong enough to stand on my own. To stand when there was not even ground to step on. A major part of me has moved on. But that tiny speckle of my heart still weeps everytime I remember events during that time.

I guess it still begs for closure.

Dear Reverend Marvin,

Alam mo ba Rev, unang beses palang kitang nakita, nanginig na sa kilig yung pancreas ko. Opo Rev, hindi ka nagkakamali ng basa, PANCREAS KO TALAGA YUNG KINILIG! Nagbabasa ka pa nun ng Gospel. Nakangiti ka pa nga nun habang nagbabasa eh. Ako naman, parang tangang nililipad na sa alapaan dahil sa angelic mong smile.


Nasilayan nalang kita muli nang ikaw yung magbasa ng Gospel para kay Pope nung mass sa Manila Cathedral. Medyo chubby chubby ka na ha. Haha! Pero pogi pa din. Kaya ayun, nag-overload na naman sa kilig yung pancreas ko. Close up na close up kasi yung mukha mo. Para akong hihimatayin twing pinagmamasdan ko ang maamo mong mukha. Ang gwapo gwapo mo kasi talaga Rev! Para kang anghel na bumuba sa lupa! Nakakaloka!

Kanina naman sa mass sa Quirino Grandstand, ayun ka, nakaupo sa tabi ni Archbishop Tagle. Ang lapit lapit mo kay Pope, isang mashonders na sakristan lang ang pagitan nyo. Kaya twing naka-wide shot yung stage, kitang kita kita na naka-Amen position yung kamay mo. Nanlalambot yung tuhod ko pagnakaganung tindig ka. Anghel ka talaga. Anghel ka talaga sa paningin ko. Para akong nakainom ng ecstasy pag nagpapanning yung camera at nahahagip ka. Sigaw ako ng sigaw na mukhang lokaret na haliparot. Lalo na nung si Archbishop Tagle na yung nagsasalita sa mic, antagal nakatutok ng camera sayo. Nonchalant ka lang nun, halatang nakikinig sa sinasabi ni Cardinal. Ughhhh grabeh! Sasabog ata yung pancreas ko nung mga oras na yun!

Haaay Reverend Marvin! Sabihin mo lang, magreresign ako para maging secretary mo for life! Super love you po!

Ang iyong Inhinyera Dyosa,

Whilhelmina

During Tankage Inventory, the surveyors partnered with me are amazed that I am able to predict the time that we will finish with the activity accurately. No matter if they are senior or newbie surveyor, I can easily project our finishing time.

It's actually no biggie. I simply use an estimation method that I developed during college. I christened it with a fancy name, FAR SIGHT PROJECTION.

I first used this estimation technique during my second year in college. I was assigned as a tour guide for our freshmen. It was really a half day affair but we managed to do it in under 2 hours. We went against the flow of tour teams. We entered every building that can be toured first before we began the perimeter tour. I made that unique plan because of my experience the previous year with our tour. There was a bottleneck last year in the Main Building museum and the Botanical Garden. This became one of my considerations during the planning stage. I also considered the amount of sunshine during the timeframe. Who wants to walk under the scorching sun right?

Ever since then, I began perfecting this estimation method... While doing experiments during lab subjects... Long calculations in quizzes... Travel time from home to school, from Tan Yan Kee to Engineering...

Bit by bit, I refined my estimation technique until I finally concluded these criteria to make my estimation accurate:

1. I must have a prior experience with the activity at hand.
   
2. Certain variables must be incorporated with the estimation algorithm depending on the activity.
   
3. If I'm a variable, I can control the circumstance to make the estimation more favorable.
   
4. Unexpected factors may delay or advance the estimation.
   

For the 1st criterion, I should have experienced and at least understood how the activity works. Or else, I will have difficulty in learning the activity and estimating at the same time.

For the 2nd one, every activity has its own set of variables to be considered. Like for the Tankage Inventory, I estimate the immersion time per tank plus the travel time to get to the tank and just take the sum of the individual estimations. Sounds hard? Well, not exactly. Since some of the tanks are usually the same height so we can assume the same immersion time for them. Immersion time will also differ if they are black or white products. Immersion time is actually Time for Perimeter check plus Time for stair usage times two plus Time for Sampling and Gauging.

For the 3rd criterion, I can adjust the estimation time on my judgement if I am one of the variables. Going back with our example of Tank Inventory, I can hasten our time if I walk faster in between tanks and do the perimeter check faster or slower depending on the situation.

For the 4th one, this is tricky since I will only know the added variable on the spot. Like when it rains, it extends our immersion time or when the service takes time to fetch us, our travel time suffers. But of course if a tank is unexpectedly under maintenance, it's a plus for us! whahahha!

But in general, I have a 3% error based on experience with my estimations. This is very handy since dabble in events planning and training module creation.

The night after watching English Only Please, I reflected on the movie's impact in my psyche. I guess the movie just hit too close to home particularly with Tere. Tanga rin kasi ako eh...

Ewan ko ba. Just like her, I become too attached with certain people. An attachment that was not requested nor required. I just acted on my own and treat these people dearly. I take care of these people, serve them with everything that I have. Even at the cost of my own money, even happiness. I sometime question if what I'm doing is right. Should I really sacrifice my time and resources just for them? What I get from all of this?

But every time I'm on the edge of letting them go, these people do something that will make me feel I am important to them. And because of my attachment, I go back to serving them.

This is maybe a rant on my part, but sometimes, I just want them to appreciate me more. I don't mean that they need to do the same things as I do but more on the little things like texting, messaging. Actually, one of the reason why I get lonely is because I don't get feedback from them. And this will sound cliche, sometimes, I only hear from them when they need something.

TANGA, ako yan kasi kahit ganoon na nga, tuloy pa din ako sa kahibangan ko. I cherish them but they don't cherish me back.

Ang sad noh?

Last December 17, 2014 was the date we celebrated our Refinery's Xmas party. In my mind, it was just another major Refinery program. But I had my rags pulled under me when I realized it was a big thing for everyone.

I was the party's floor director/program manager. I make sure that the programs go smoothly. I advise the hosts if there will be any intermission or if there are changes with regard to the program itself. I was situated left of the stage during the whole program except when I was running to the backstage or shouting near the badminton court for pasaway contestants.

After our Ms. PBR Bebot 2014 was crowned, it's as if a huge weight was lifted from my back.

"TAPOS NAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!", I exclaimed on the top of my lungs beside the stage.

The crowning ceremony signaled the end of my duties as floor director. I immediately went to the backstage and got my things. Before I went home, I mingled a bit with the remaining crowd which consists of mostly engineers plus our VP and some of members of the PBR Ladies Circle. I gave my things a quick shove to a chair and immediately joined the photo-ops.

It was during this time that our VP congratulated me for a job well done. His wife also said the same thing and that she enjoyed the night. Of course I accepted their congratulations very graciously and also gave my thanks before quietly slipping out to go home.

The next morning during pour debriefing session with HR about the event, we received emails congratulating our team for a job well done. In the general, our employees really enjoyed the night and were really grateful to have attended the party. As part of the organizers, one can only be proud and happy that people appreciate what you did. Because that was the exact objective of the program, that is to entertain people and somehow have them forget about the stresses in our workplace.

Two of the most important congratulatory messages came from two people whom I look up to in the Refinery, Tita Bong and Sir Eli V. I guess they are what you call our "seniors", our "predecessors" in the Refinery. It was because of them that people like us are treated equally in the Refinery. That our gender identity is not a question of our technical and creative prowess. That's why I nearly cried when Tita Bong mentioned that he can now retire because he knows the Refinery is in good hands, program-wise.

During our Division Party, when our VP took the mic for his Xmas party address, I was shocked when he first asked everyone to clap for the appreciation of my hardwork during our ONE PBR Xmas Party. There I was sitting in front, since I was also the program manager for the party, scratching my head in embarrassment while everyone was clapping.

To tell you honestly, people are just making take credit for everything when the program itself was a combination of creative juices and sweat-toiled hardwork by HR; I am especially mentioning Anna Marie Eugenio who was the overall in charge of the program.

During the preparation stage, I was in charge of the BEBOT rehearsals from ramp to intermission number. I researched and mixed the songs for it. Given the limited time that we have, we were only able to practice thrice. I also supervised though not consistently, the New Hires Presentation. Actually, I was just making sure if they follow it the choreography. I mixed the songs for the Petron Sessionistas performance. Those performers were so demanding with their pieces! KALOKA!

The other parts of the program were assigned to other HR associates with Ate Venice taking charge of the widely successful Audio Visual Presentation, just to her acknowledge her hardwork. The lynch pin to all of us was Anna Marie who handled everything else.

So please, give that girl the recognition she deserves. SHE EFFING DESERVES IT!

I have known it for a while… Bago pa sya nagpasa ng resignation nya, pumutok na yung balita na nag-a-apply na sya ng work abroad. Actually, ni-confront ko nga sya about dun nung nalaman ko. Ang sabi nya lang saken, “Hindi pa ah. Matagal pa yun.” Syempre ako naman naging kampante na rin kasi hindi pa naman pala aalis ang Kuya Jarnie ko…

Hanggang sa may pumutok na naman na balita na natanggap na sya sa inaapplyan nya. IMS Engineer pako nun. Syempre twing dadaan ako sa munting building nila dahil sa nature ng trabaho ko, lagi akong nag-a-ala Inday Badiday dahil sa kakatanong ng mga questions about it. I swear! Daig pa ang External Audit sa mga pinagtatanong ko!

At dumating na nga yung matagal na yun na sinasabi ni Kuya Jarnie. Pumutok na ang balita na nagresign na nga sya. Ginagawa ko pa nun yung dokumento nun nakailangan ko makipag-usap lagi sa Department Manager nya. Dahil always waiting in line ang peg ko sa dami ng kameeting ni Madam manager, naririnig ko yung mga information about it.

“Luchie, schedule mo nga si Jarnie ng Exit Interview saken.”

Natutulala ako nung narinig ko yun. Eksenang nag-Time Space Warp ako nung mga oras na yun… isa lang kasi ang ibig sabihin ng Exit Interview… Confeeeeeermed na nagresign na nga sya. Confeeeeeermed na aalis na nga si Kuya Jarnie.

Nung nag-Return from the Different Dimension nako, nagpaalam ako na babalik nalang ako. Ang totoo kasi nun, tutulo na yung luha ko. A big part of me was wallowing in despair with the realization na aalis na nga ang Kuya Jarnie ko. Gustuhin ko man nun na tumakbo palayo, office hours pa eh, bawal pa umeksena ng drama at baka maawardan ako ng Best Actress.

Friday. Uwian pa-Manila. Last day of the week, but for me last day na andyan si Kuya Jarnie. Yung coming Sunday kasi na yun eh last day na nya sa company. Hindi ako makapagconcentrate nung araw na yun. I was ambivalent kung magpapakita ba ako sa kanya o hindi. I ended up just staring on my laptop’s monitor kasi wala ang diwa ko sa buong araw na yun. In the end, I chose not to see him, hindi naman na dahil sa may pagka-masochist ako noh but I just don’t want him to see me crying. I wanted him to remember me as the cheerful Whil that he knows.

The following day, Saturday, wala akong ginawa buong magdamag kundi umiyak. Iyak ako ng iyak. I can’t help it eh. The tears just kept flowing. Parang flash flood sa Espanya sa may UST, ganun. Dun lang siguro nagsettle saken na wala na si Kuya Jarnie. Na pagbalik ko ng office, hindi ko na sya makikita…

Wala nang magsasabi saken ng: “Hi sexy Whil!” Bolero eh noh?

Wala nang magrereply sa email ko ng “Wow naman! Ang ganda naman!” pag may pakulo akong ginawa na sinesend to all sa email.

Wala na akong pagrereportan ng mga nakikita kong potential hazards pag mag-Tankage Inventory.

Wala na yung inspiration ko to continue striving hard despite all the downsides of being an IMS Engineer. That little speck of inspiration was enough to keep me going kahit na ayaw ko na talaga.

Wala na…

Wala na yung Kuya Jarnie ko…

Ngayon nga lang na sinusulat ko to… Lumuluha ako. Basang basa na yung kumot sa tabi ko kasi I am relieving the loneliness that I felt nung kasagsagan nung scenario na yun. Oo with matching uhog. Ngawngaw much. Kaw ba naman kasi mawalan ng Kuya sa Refinery. Yun kasi sya saken eh. Kuya. As in KUYA talaga. Opo. Yung top eligible bachelor ng Refinery na husband material ay Kuya lang para saken. Kuyazooooooooooone.

For a change kasi, I was not expected to take care him… kasi for a change, I was “the little sister”… I was allowed to be childlike. I was not guarded in what I am saying. I was simply being me pag andun ako sa office nila at nakaupo ako sa upuan sa harap ng table nya. Nag-uubos ng oras dun pag stressed na stressed na ako sa IMS office. Defenses down. Barrier Zero Percent. Yung feeling ko eh babae ako because he treats me that way. Heck! Even my own older brothers don’t treat me that way! Yung feeling of relief kasi feel na feel kong safe na safe ako sa office nila kasi andun sya.

Hindi man lang nya naabutan nung nalipat ako sa HR Training. Hindi man lang nya naabutan na masaya nako ngayon sa posisyon ko. Na masayang masaya na akong natatrabaho ulet. Di na nya makikita yung mga gagawin ko pa na projects, designs, at events na pinagbubutihan ko talaga. Highest level of effort lagi.

Sa ngayon, masasabi kong di pa ako talaga nakakaget-over pa sa pag-alis ni Kuya Jarnie. Eh sa matagal ako mag-move on eh. Bakit ba? Kanina nga lang eh nung nagsend ako ng invite sa Zumba, I was still half expecting na magrereply sya sa invite ko ng joke or good job. Nung birthday nya, I sent him a caricature photo with his head embossed sa isang guy na nagigitara. Nagustuhan naman daw nya.

May isa pa ngang time na I was thinking out loud at nasabi kong “Namimiss ko si Kuya Jarnie” and lo and behold! Paglabas ko ng office namin, ayun sya naglalakad palapit sa akin! I froze with matching jaw drop with my phantom mouth. Nung malapit na sya saken at kinausap nya ako, I covered my eyes with my arm. Sabi ko na nga ba, iiyak ako pag nakita ko sya. Hindi naman hagulgol ang ginawa ko. Just teary eyed na nakita ko sya ulet. Binigyan pa nga nya ako ng isang box ng chocolate. Pasalubong nya daw saken. But I had a feeling na hindi na nya naibigay yun sa dapat nyang pagbigyan pero I still accepted it wholeheartedly. Actually, nasa drawer ko pa din yun. Hopefully hindi ako maunahan ng mga langgam sa pagkain nun.

Anyhoo siguro, it will be healthier for me to disengage myself from him. At etong blog na ito ang simula ng process na yun. Writing has always been my outlet. Maybe I just wanted to preserve the experience, the memory, and the emotions than I had before moving on from this part of my life. After all, he’s having the time of his life+ now. But of course, Kuya Jarnie will always have a place in my heart. Always.

ANDA

Definition: Money, Pera

Derivative:s
Ang Duchess of York, Dats, Datung

Etymology:
Ang ANDA ay binaliktad na dalawang pantig ng salitang DAAN. Uso kasi nung mga early 90's na binabaliktad ang mga salita para yung TSEKOT para sa KOTSE, GOLI para sa LIGO, at kung anik anik pa! Hanggang sa umiral nanaman ang creative juices ng mga early dyosas na mga sosyalin. Para "sounding sosyal" nauso ang paggamit sa derivative na Ang Duchess of York na pangalan ng totoong dugong bughaw. Napansin mo ba na katunog ng ANDA yung ANG DUCHESS OF YORK? Yun lang ang dahilan nun, wala nang malalim na dahilan. Hanggang sa siguro nahabaan na rin sila ANG DUCHESS OF YORK kaya naging DUCHESS OF YORK nalang.

Overtime naging DATS nalang ang tawag sa Pink Money. May dalawa ako theory kung bakit naging ganyan. Nauso siguro yung mga baklang social climber nuon at nakikiuso sa Duchess of York. Hindi rin nila siguro mapronounce mabuti at hindi rin nila alam kung ano ang Duchess na tinatawag nilang DATSES... Naging DATS nalang para safe!

Eventually, nauso na ang pagtawag sa pera na ngyon ay ginagamit ng girl boy bakla tomboy, DATUNG. Ang theory ko dyan, nilagayan siguro ng German suffix yung DATS. Kaya ito naging DATSUNG. Tas eventually, nagtransform na at naging DATUNG.

Oi! Lahat ng ito hypothesis lang ha! Pawang imagination at kabalbalan lamang na kahit papano ay may logic! Bwahahha! Don't forget to use #BekiEtymology when sharing!!!

Naalala ko pa nung nagtatrabaho pa ako sa Cavite, new hire palang ako nun. Since wala naman magawa sa bus pauwi ng Manila, nagwonder nalang ako ng mga what-if's sa buhay ko. Ewan ko. Eh talagang nakakabore naman talaga ang bus ride from Imus to Lawton.

Nung time na yun, hindi ko alam kung anung pumasok sa kokote ako at tinanong ko ang what-if question na ito...

What if sabihan ako sa isa sa mga anak ko na "Nay, salamat sa lahat pero aalis na ako"?"

Nung time na yun, si Jeco ang inisip ko na nagsabi saken nun. Nung time na yun kasi sya yung pinakaclose ko. Inisip ko ng inisip si Jeco. Inimagine ko pati yung boses na sinasabi nya talaga saken yun...

Habang patuloy ang pagtahak ng bus papuntang Maynila, at habang may kanya kanyang ginagawa yung iba pang pasahero, lumuha bigla yung kaliwang mata ko dulot ng matinding kirot sa puso ko. Pinipiga ng sobra yung puso ko. Ramdam na ramdam ko yung sakit kaya tumuloy-tuloy ang daloy yung mga luha ko.

Kung makakahagulgol lang ako nung mga oras na yun, malamang ginawa ko with matching lupasay/kisay. Mahal na mahal ko yung anak ko na yun. Sya ang dahilan kya ako bumabangon ng mas matapang nung panahon na yun. Sya yung dahilan kaya nakamove on ako kay Monster. Sa kanya ko binuhos yung pagmamahal na dapat kay Monster.

Kya nung dumating yung oras na nagpaalam na sya sa akin, kahit papano alam ko na ang mararamdaman ko. Kaya sa puntong iyon hindi na ako lubusang nasaktan. Pero syempre, napaiyak pa din ako. Pero naiintindihan ko naman sya. Alam ko kung bakit nya yun gustong gawin. May mga bagay na ikaw lang mag-isa ang dapat lumutas.

Minsan naalala ko pa din si Jeco. Hindi ko naman masabi ko iniintay ko pa syang bumalik. Pero twing naalala ko yung kirot na naramdaman ko nung nagpaalam si Jeco. Naluluha pa rin ako. Kung bumalik man sya o hindi, masaya na din ako na kahit papano may natawag akong anak na nagngangalang PEEJAY...

There are nights when part of me wants to tell you to just own me. Tell me that you need me. Tell me that you want me by your side. It's okay if you have a girlfriend,

I don't intend to be her replacement. I just want you to acknowledge me. To inform me that indeed, you want me to be with you always.

Why do I always feel uneasy everytime we text and talk to each other? It's as if we are cheating with your girlfriend. Is it just me or you feel that too? I never

really understood that feeling. I mean we are just talking right? No feelings attached, just friends talking.

I thought when I gave up on you, I can finally move on with my feelings of love for you. But the passage of time only made my life for you slowly come back to my

heart.

I miss you. I love you. Please just tell me you own me and I'm yours.