I awoke with Bituin Escalante's voice singing in my ear. Her signature one-hit-wonder song, Kung Ako Nalang Sana, is part of the playlist in my cellphone. I was there at the right side of the bus facing the TV, perfectly comfortable with my 50-degree inclined back rest. My purple hoodie jacket protected me from the cold whiff of the aircon.The bus just passed by Mayon when I came to. Robin Padilla's daughter: on screen. We were nearing Blumentritt so I gave out a yawn then fixed my things. A quick turn by our driver at the corner and we were in the middle of the traffic in front of Chinese General Hospital's facade. Uninterested with the show in the TV, I nonchalantly turned to my right. I was perpendicular to the Emergency driveway of the hospital. It was then that images of my past appeared in front of me.

I was sitting on the caged veranda. He brought food for his sister-in-law and some supplies for his sick mother. I accompanied him that morning in the hospital because his mother was rushed there. He just got back from their Faculty retreat when he heard the news. I got a hold of him the morning after he arrived. I can tell the anxiousness of his texts that's why I offered to come with him.

After introducing me to his mother, I quietly sat down the veranda. I gave them space so they can properly talk since I know that he was very worried. That was the scenario until his sister-in-law came back.

I received a text from my friends asking where I am. They were then assembled at a place, I was instructed to join them. I replied with the situation and was asked to follow after my affair.

He approached me with a smile. His angelic face beaming. His anxious face now gone. He sat beside me and we began talking. I can't exactly remember the minute details of that conversation, but I am quite sure it was about our dreams. We were both teachers. He as a profession; Myself, at heart. We were conversing about how fulfilled we are to be teachers.

A light drizzle showered outside. Despite the cool wind that accompanied the tiny droplets, my heart was warm because I was with him. We were both happy talking. We could talk and talk forever. But eventually I had to leave. His sister-in-law will go home and he will be the one to replace her to take care of his mom. I happily obliged to go home since it is after all a family affair.

He thanked me for the company and walked me toward the exit of the hospital."


How long has it been? From what I can remember year 0 was the year that Harry Potter 7.2 was shown in cinemas. It was the year I forced myself to stand up again. The year I picked up the pieces of myself from the depths of depression. I won't fool myself and say that I already fully moved on. I can say there is always a part of me that is still broken. There are so many unanswered questions that only he can answer.

That broken part of me is only a tiny portion of my heart. I will keep moving on, until the day I finally be able to resolve the broken portion.

Nanunuood aketch ng Maskman nang biglang tumunog ang tugtog ng isang plawta...



Isang lalaking nakashades mula malayo ang naglalakad papalapit...



Sa kanya nagmumula ang tugtog ng plawta...



patuloy sya sa pag tugtog at tinggal nya ang shades nya...



SHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET!!!! Ang CUTE!!!!

Alam ko na sa simula palang kung sino sya... kaya nung dumating na ang climax...




Eto ang tunay na katauhan nya...



Sya ang Human form ni Guron Doggler...

---

Pero gosh!!! Grabeh sa cute netong guest star ng Maskman ah! His name is Yasuhiro Ishiwata, nung nakita ko pa lang sya sa first scene na naclose up yung face nya, crush ko na sya!!! Wahahaahhah!

Sa episode na ito ng Maskman, nain-love si Gron Doggler sa isang babae na nagligtas sa kanya centuries ago. Nakipag deal sya kay Emperor Zeba na tatalunin nya ang mga Maskmen kung bibigyan nya sya ng kakayahan magkaron ng human body. Nang sumalakay na ang pwerse ng Underground Tube, nagbago ng ihip ng hangin nang masilayan ni Gron Doggler si Momoko (aka Pink Mask). Kamukhang kamukha kasi ni Momoko yung babaeng nagligtas kay Gron Doggler dati. At nagsimula na ang maikling love story ni Hikaru (human name ni Gron Doggler) at Momoko.

Inferness ha! Di ko inexpect na madaming flavors of scorned love ang Maskman ah! Akala ko kina Michael Joe at Rio lang ang dramang yun...

Anyhoo...

I did some research kay Cutie guest star... Apparently, member sya nung last installment ng sentai series prior to Maskman, ang Flashman. Sya si Blue Flash.

Nagguest star din sya with Kanako Maeda (yung gumanap na Momoko) sa Jetman, at magkapartner sila ulet! Lovers on screen ang peg nila! whahhaha!


Oh yeah!

"Sexual orientation is not determined by one's behavior. Sexual orientation is determined by one's desires."

I read that line somewhere in this vast universe called cyberspace. Whoever you are, I take my hat off to you. It is by far the most powerful statement that I have read about homosexuality.

People behave differently depending on their beliefs. Most of the closetted gays (or at least they try to be) I know tell me that they will change their ways. They will stop it the "transformation" from progressing as if they will clad sailor uniforms with elemental powers once its complete. The sad thing about their stop-the-metamorphosis litany is because they believe they will go to Hell is they don't change their ways or they are afraid they will be alone in the future.

haaaaay... Same old same old.

The thing is with my closetted friends is that they tend to worry about other people's point of view rather than their own; Also, worrying about a very negative future. I am not the most religious person around but one thing I learned from being a student of Catholic schools for 9 years, the central theme of the Holy Book is Love. Literal interpretation of what's written there is dangerous. Especially since those times of slavery and conquerors are long gone. Therefore, the norms and cultures are different from then and now. I can cite multiple things stated in the Bible that are now obsolete. But I will leave it to other articles in the blogosphere. Do your assignment and check those out. Also, though this is just my personal point of view, in the olden times, the males are easily regarded as the more superior gender. Hence, the Bible is written in this very masculine-centric viewpoint. Sodomy, i.e. Barebacking, is a form of punishment then because it lowers the level of those being sodomized as the aggressive inserter of the phallus to the helpless receiver of the phallus and they become a plaything just like how they view women those days. Now, doing a homosexual act among males is looked down upon because of the fact that it is now consensual. One male is willing to go down a notch down so that he can give pleasure to his lover. Isn't this sacrifice? Isn't this an expression of love. Don't get me wrong, I am not saying that homosexual love is strictly about sex. But hell, that's what the Bible explicitly denounces. A man sharing a bed with another man just like he does his wife. Not a man loving another man.

Moving on, I just get frustrated when they tell me that the only future for gay men is a picture of loneliness. I beg to disagree. What is your basis for saying that I will grow up lonely? Sorry! Is your cheating husband and your dumb kids your picture of a happy life? Vocabulary lesson, the word gay means happy. Since the Filipinos have close-knit family ties, everyone is expected to turn out good. And when I they say good it means finish school, get a job, have kids and the cycle will go on. And that's their equation of happiness. If they continue this cycle, they will be happy. Well not for me.

I think the reason why my closetted friends believe the shit that they will be alone in the future because of the notion that no one will truly love a gay man. That's so two thousand late. We are in the day and age that gay men love other gay men. The idea that gay men will only love straight men is so out. Plus with the proliferation of Bisexuals... OHHOOOOH YEAH!!! *pun intended*

My advice to my friends, go ahead. Try it. Change your ways. Even if you totally remove the rainbow connection from your system, yet what you desire is love from other men. Well... You know what you really are; Best of luck on escaping your true self.

One thing I know for certain, I need to have a reason for doing things for me to be more determined and passionate of doing it. That's the only way that I can be most productive and most passionate in my work. Finally, after a long time of working blind in the dark, I finally found my illumination.

It never really occurred to me until recently. Probably because I kept focusing on the stresses in my work and disregarding all the small positive things around me. But after I started really taking a portion of my work item seriously, it was then that I was able to see this very positive light.

Yep. He is now my reason to work hard. I will not sit idly by while he faces his challenges alone. I will be his secretary. I will throw in double the effort so everything will work out fine. I will do my best to convince him to stay.

I'm so surprised that what my ka-wavelengths said before came true. But then, I guess, they really know me more in that aspect. Wahahahahahaha!!!

For the first time, I can say I'm happy despite the stresses. Yep and it's all about that illumination.

It's already October. On the 16th of this month, I will be just a month away before my 1st year anniversary with my current employer. I will then need to decide if I want to stay with the company or not. I have 1 year to think about it come my 1st year anniversary.

I can say my work is perfect for me. Just like what my good friend, Albert, told me. My skill set fits the mold of the position I have right now. Even the so called "special projects" are well suited in my skills repertoire. But despite the almost tailored carcass that is my designation, the amount of stress level and work ethic really gets to me.

I guess teamwork is not a common practice in our office. Everything is just on assignment. Everyone is assigned a specific task and they will revolve around that task without a care for others. But then again, maybe because it was simply a consensus between the members of our section. Since we have no real authoritative figure within our office, we were contented with the set-up. Even though, we were given this authoritative figure a few months ago, we were adamant with the status quo since it was system that was really working out for us.

I guess I just miss the thrill of having a team. Although everyone has their own role to play, everything comes together because we help each other. No one is left to do their own work because there will always be someone who will be willing to help them. Someone is in charge while doing the same work with the others. This was the case of CSC '08-'09, the year when student-leadership was the most fulfilling. The spirit of camaraderie and teamwork really goes beyond political affiliation.

Then we have the indefensible stress, that comes out from whimsical decisions rather than logical reasons. Just to give a pop culture reference to this, it's just like what Heidi Klum says, "One day your in and the next day your out". That's how erratic decisions in our section are. One day this is it, and the next day it will be this. I understand that there will always be stress at work, but I am defining this indefensible stress because it is just additional burden that should not have been there but exists because of erratic decisions. One such example is the one in my previous post. I was assigned to spearhead a project that I have no prior experience in organizing. It will be the end of me. I tell you. THE. END. OF. ME.

And finally we have the bossy co-workers. I will turn a blind eye if the person is a tier above me, but we are in positions of the same level. Seniority does not excuse someone to behave with proper etiquette and good manners. Saying Please and Thank you would be enough, also a proper tone of voice when asking for a favor.

I recently had a chat with a former officemate; she's been blooming ever since she got out of the hell hole called our office. And we have the same brain wavelength to conclude that "You can never understand how stressful it is in that office unless you're in it." Good for her and I'm happy for her.

Well, I can rant all I want but then again, the job is not half bad. Though I guess I lack the training required to do some of the requirements of my job. That's why they can never utilize my full potential without these trainings. I took the job because I thought I will be fulfilled. Not the lucrative pay nor the fame of working in that particular industry. Once my fulfillment cannot offset the poor work ethics or I hit my boiling point due to stress...

I'M DONE...

But that's a year from now.

I was known as the One Man Team when I was still a student leader in my tertiary Alma Mater. When I was a 4th year Chemical Engineering Student, I retained my position as the Legal Officer of our neophyte political party, SIKLAB. I was also appointed the Project Director of Thomasian Project 4, under the then Cachero CSC Administration. I was the sole member of the SIKLAB Legal Team, since we were a neophyte party, and the Thomasian Project 4, since the other member, my superior, graduated in the last school year.

I guess I did good in those two positions since I retained them the following school year. But it was mainly due to the fact that I was left to explore the positions that I held. SIKLAB was just in its sophomore year, I was free to define what kind of person should the SIKLAB Legal Officer be. I was free to create a system of documentation that future SIKLAB Legal Officers can use. While for TP4, I was part of its pilot phase and my opinions were held with high regard because I was the longest to be affiliated with the project.

Unlike what is happening now...

I was assigned to a program that I know nothing of except that it's like a showcase of technical projects. Even worse, I was the one the helm the realization of the program this year. Oooooh BOY!!!

During the initial planning, I heard this particular remark that made me realize that I am will be a One Man Team once more: "Estimate mo kung ilan kelangan mong mga...". Pertaining to the materials that I will need for the program. I knew right then that I will be in this alone. There was no hint of I'll help you in that remark. But there can never be more horrifying experience with this program than learning that I have no budget. Worse, I was accused that I will not do the program because there was no money. FUCK!

Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay! To tell you the truth, I was very frustrated that I was given to helm this program. Not only that the needed spirit or mindset has not even inculcated in me, I have no prior experience with the program whatsoever. It was okay if I was the first time that the program will be organized. I can simply explore the possibilities just like what I did back in college. But since the program was existing for years now, there was a sense of expectation from all that are familiar with it. You must do this and that because that was done before. I was so stressed thinking about what will happen with the program that I fell ill many times in the past months. The program is important they said, the program is used for appraisal they said. IF IT IS SO DAMN IMPORTANT WHY IS THE BUDGET FOR IT BEEN CUT?!

After a few sleepless nights, I finally found the resolve to really spearhead the program. I have no prior experience with it so I have no choice but to simply own it. I will OWN it since I AM the one in charge! I got my netbook and started creating designs for new logos. I made logos to symbolize that the program is getting a facelift. So far, the feedback has been positive.

I find it funny that they wanted me to do a Workshop even though I haven't even had that workshop yet. When I asked for the objective, it was to get ideas for future projects. Then ultimately, it was late since there was a prerequisite period of implementation before projects were eligible for the program. So anything that they can come up can only be passed next year. I was stubborn not to conduct anymore workshops. It was simply just a waste of time.

I will give it all I got until it exhaust me. I will never forget the grade I got during my regularization.

I AM A ONE MAN TEAM...

I will all show you who I really am.

I know it's a bit late to comment on this issue. I'm not exactly a fan of school sporting events so news about this kind of things I rarely open in my news. But after reading this article from Rappler, I guess I'll take a shot at it and share my thoughts.

Hmmmp... disclaimer first. My status has a UST graduate does not have bearing in my opinion. If you know me, I'm sure you are aware that I am not a proud Thomasian. With that said, here is what I think about the issue.

Something is amiss here. This is school sports we are talking about right? This is equivalent to school spirit and school pride. Then Mikee Bartolome's formation is incomplete because she represents a school that she is not proud of. If her life long dream is to represent UP in a swim meet, why did she enroll in UST High School? She could have easily enrolled in UP Integrated School and represent the UP Junior Swimming team. I've read in other articles that another reason for her transfer in UP is that UP is much nearer to their place. All the more reason why she should've enrolled in UPIS. Then she wouldn't be having this problem.

There was another reason given from an article I cannot locate anymore. It said that she would need to pay for her two years in college because UP cannot offer her scholarship because of the residency rule. Haaaay, then stay with UST! She'll still be part of the swim team which in turn gives her athletic scholarship from UST. My goodness! This is a hard decision she needs to make! She's lucky enough that she can even choose between these two schools, unlike people I know who can't even go to college! Nakakainis eh! You cannot have everything girl!

In my opinion, the life-long dream thing is not accurate. There's no logic in enrolling in a school far from your house, represent it in the sport in you excel in, then after four years say your dream school is the one near your place.

On another note, I understand UAAP officials why they created the residency rule. It is simply a safety net for them. How would you feel if the dog you trained and fed, betrayed you because it favored to your rival and worse bit you? Well, I don't really look at athletes as dogs and just made my remark to simply to explain the matter. But if the shoe fits...

I was dumbstruck when I read that particular post. I felt uneasy all throught out my jeepney ride home. My mind completely dittoing the cloudy sky. I gave a deep sigh after disembarking from the PUJ. The weather truly sympathetic...

I closed my eyes and gave another sigh as I sat down on my monobloc chair. The post reverberating into the deepest corners of my heart. I slumped lazily as my mind drifted to the abyss.

But then again, my mind begged to differ. Should I really be affected? Should I really think that it's about me?

I guess I still do have feelings for him. But why should I hold on to something that was never there to begin with? I'm just fed up with false hopes and make-believes. This is probably a wake up call; The only difference is that it came from him.

yup. We will part ways... I'll make sure of it...

Recently, I haven't been cooking meals in my home in Bataan. It's not that I hate the clean up or anything. I wasn't really sure why though. But tonight, I read a manga that gave the me the reason why...

It's true that I love to cook. It's probably one of my skills that I can brag about. That's why it's really a wonder that I haven't been cooking at all. And I think the reason is...

I'm not cooking for someone...

Like the manga I read pointed out, cooking is different if your doing it for someone. Though I guess, there was no avenue in which I can make him eat what I cooked. But it's a fact that I do think about him when I cook. Well, I still am recovering from the "loss" of the love that was never there. How ironic to be sentimental to something that did not exist. It's sooooooooooooooooo RH Debate!

Anyhoo, I plan to cook some food for me soon. I miss that Sour Tomato recipe I used to make when I was still living in Cavite. The sweet-sour-salty flavor is a must in this rainy season. It's healthy too.

Kamusta lovelife?

That's probably the most common question I hear when catching up with friends in the metro. I usually reply with the generic: Wala. Zero.

But with friends in Bataan, the usual question is, Kamusta na kayo ni Prince Charming?

To put it bluntly, I moved on. Yes there was this silver lining, for moment, that I saw with him. But I have already accepted the reality that my supposed "Prince Charming" is not the Prince for me.

Next question pops up. Ganun ka kabilis mag-move on?

I can't just move on in just a snap but I guess for this instance, the process was swift. Probably because I didn't put much emotional investment on this. It was from the start, a game of cat and mouse. There were too many loose ends cloaked in denials and lies. It was apparent that it was simply an opportunity but unfeasible from the start.

I made a mistake before when I fell in love with a coward and a fraud who treated me like a piece of trash after he was done with me. Along with that came my broken heart and shattered dreams. I dreamed that we can be a team. I dreamed that we can fulfill a common endeavor. But he left me. Without a clear explanation why and what happened. He just threw me out of his life. And I was left alone to gather the pieces of me and the dream that I made for the two of us.

It's funny that I once mentioned that I would work in my current company and finance his Masters in my Alma Mater. Though that time I was still working in a different company. And look where I am now, working in this company that I never thought will accept me, and look where he is, I think still being that closetted sexual predator. If this story intrigues you, I suggest you read The Angel of Torment series. You can read all about it there.

Anyhoo, back to the real topic. I guess, this didn't shatter me enough to make it a big deal. Like they say, what doesn't kill you make you stronger. Yep. I'm stronger alright.