I recently have been reading about how to manage people. Not that I aim to be a manager anytime soon but more on the circumstance that I will be transferred to a different section soon.

The book by Beverly Kate and Sharon Jordan-Evans entitled: Love ‘Em or Lose ‘Em is very informative. It provides 26 strategies on how to keep good employees. I swear, even the Preface speaks volumes! Every chapter gives very real-life situations that will make you rethink everything what a ”manager” is; such as: it’s their job to communicate with those under them (Chapter 1). Supporting Career Growth (Chapter 3); Stop being a Jerk (Chapter 10); Build connection with their employees (Chapter 12); be a mentor (Chapter 13); and more!

As I read each chapter, I found myself nodding in agreement to everything I read. It really hits the spot since everything applies to me. I learned in Chapter 5 that what is happening to me is DISENGAGING - psychological separation as opposed to RESIGNING, which is Physical Separation. This manifested by absenteeism and less than quality work with a question, ”What’s the point anyway?”. It hits the mark perfectly.

I think, the overall lesson of the book is to have a pro-employee approach. The company should be pro-active in getting to know the employees more and adapting to their needs. It is not a 100% guarantee that the company will retain its prized employees, but it will lessen the amount of brain drain from one’s company, or even one’s department.


A few days ago, I was gossiping with a dear friend about a certain relationship between two people. Well, ex relationship anyway. I'm not exactly curious of the totality of the relationship but more on their dynamics.

I'm curious of how it started; Was it just about physical attraction? Was it just because of their similarity of being attracted with the same sex? Or more?



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This film is one of the most powerful film I have watched. I was never one to look at the technical aspects anyway because I'm more curious of the story, the characters, and the implication of the film in real life. Anyhoo... enjoy O beautiful.


This film is an after story of a hate crime. A story of what-if's and wishful thinking. A story of regret and penance.

Brad
Part of me empathize with Brad. His emotions in the film really push some of my buttons. Probably because I experienced them too. Though I was not in anyway raped before, I understand the feeling of terror when Andy came back with his truck. The thought of someone not part of your inner circle knowing what you are brings out the phobia in any budding gay kid. Not to mention, this guy who came back is friends or even teammates with Brad's rapists.

I understand Brad's reaction all too well. The self-pity. The rage. The defensiveness. The mellowing. The resolve. It's as if Brad represents all there is about a gay kid's life. The five phases that I mentioned encompass the 5 stages of moving on of a gay man, well, for me at least.

I remembered shutting myself to others because I was afraid other boys I'll think that I'm just want to be friends with them for their bodies. That's why my initial reaction when guys approached me before was evasion or a shiver, just like Brad did when Andy tried to wipe the blood using his bonnet. I still have that fear even today and I am always very careful around other men around me.

There were two instances that Brad mellowed out to Andy. That one time the Brad invited Andy to his house and in the truck when Andy was fake asleep. I've always wondered how it turned out if Andy obliged to Brad's invitation. If Andy just accepted the invitation, Brad wouldn't have ran away. I imagined it to be a window of weakness for Brad, it was a risk asking a guy whom he barely talk to to come with him to his home. That's why I perfectly understand that when Andy turned him down, his defenses went back on. Then in the truck when Andy was faking he's asleep, he told him he was lying. He told him the truth. He told him that he was a virgin. He bared himself to Andy...

"but tonight..."

When Brad was touching Andy's chest, there was no lust in his eyes. He just wanted someone or some guy to care for him. Someone with a warm chest and a sturdy shoulder so he can shed his armor of bravado. I can totally relate.

That's why I perfectly understand when Brad turned on his defenses after Andy confessed that he watched the whole ordeal. He was thinking he found the guy that he can trust, being the first person that he told his true persona, only to be betrayed at the last minute. oooh boy... I totally relate.

In retrospect, Brad not taking Andy's hand when he was trying to give a handshake is simply a defensive mechanism. But I can imagine that it was pretty hard on Brad's part evidenced by a long pause during the handshake scene.

In my mind, Brad was crying both in rage and disappointment for the boy he thought he could trust.

Andy
This character is a very complex one. That's why I fell in love with David Clayton Rogers immediately after the last scene. He provided the right emotions, expressions, and repression to make the character likable, believable, and human. I may not like it, as I picture Andy as a perfect but broken guy, he's a closeted homosexual. Yep. he is.

I can describe Andy with one word, CONFUSED. He is confused of trying to be a good person yet tries so hard to protect his image especially with his peers. He knows that what they did was wrong, but was afraid that he will be called a fag if he stops his friends. He believes that being a gay is not ok with God but deep inside him, he knows, he is one. And that's his reason for not coming out of the closet, he speaks of religion but the truth is he's just afraid.

All throughout the film, we can see a very unstable Andy, one scene his shouting and cursing, yet in the next scene he will be friendly and nice. This adds to the Confused description that I gave him. He's not exactly sure how to handle the situation. He came back to help, but was not expecting the antagonistic response of Brad. That pissed him off but tried to calm down and still help. By the end of the movie, it was revealed that he was guilty for what happened to Brad. He watched as his peers sodomized this gay kid in front of him. He was so guilty that's why it came to the point that he allowed Brad to touch him. If you would recall that scene, that was the time that his face really looked as if he was thinking of something heavy. Then... He confessed to Brad that he watch.

One line that redeemed Andy for me is the last line...

"Hey Brad... Send me some... postcards or somethin..."

I think this showed that he really showed compassion and care for Brad. Brad may or may not oblige to this but I'm sure it will be on Brad's mind.

---

I love this film. I can keep watching it again and again. oh Dvaid Clayton Rogers... Why are you so beautiful?

Last Friday maybe the most life changing Friday in my life. I spent the night before that thinking of what I should do and surely enough, I got something out of that hour walk from the office to my house.

I expressed myself.

Some might look down on what I did; Call me stupid. an ingrate even. But one thing is clear to me: "People who are not forward thinkers tend to settle with the past and with what-used-to-be's". They are contented with the status quo and a push of the envelop is looked down upon. Everything packaged in their perfect Corporate world.

I was even told to be unprofessional that day. As if the definition of professional is utmost obedience. Not on my dictionary. I believe I was very vocal of my reason why I accepted my job and given the circumstance that time, I held that reason very dearly that's why I refused to be transferred to another section. The circumstance has changed and the bias has been unearthed; Time to move away from one's stresses and into real happiness.

I can the defend the move that I did. I am quite sure that I am very much qualified to fill the post and so does others.

Bahala sila magtaasan ng kilay. Basta ako... I'm in my zone.

All this years, I have denied that I ever felt something for this guy. I have spoken all techniques of negation of the subject. I even tried, though with a heavy heart, pulling myself away from him. But to only go back beside him because he needed me.

I made a decision to hide my feelings for him because I know for a fact that it will be complicated. Though, that did not stop me to show that I care for him deeply. I just acted normally as if everything I do is normal for a gay friend to do for his straight guy friend. I just thought that I am his pseudo-girlfriend, without the hatid-sundo drama and the sex part. That's how I acted, and people soon recognized our situation.

The people around us began questioning our relationship. They began teasing us because of our closeness. My pseudo-girlfriend act became a real girlfriend act in their screwed mind.

Eventually, I pulled away. I retreated to another avenue in my life just to save myself from hurting inside. I want to always stay by him. I want to always talk to him, text him, see his smiles, his bare torso... I wanted to serve him because that's the only way I know I can show that I love him. I didn't want to say it out loud; I just want him to feel what I feel for him.

There came a time that I forced myself to relinquish my feelings for him. I saw that he was happy with his girl and I was not even close to him both physically and emotionally, felt that it was time to let him go. It was the best thing to do for him and, most especially, for me. During one of our out-of-town trips, I cried silently while I stand atop a hill. I let my tears silently fall while my heart tears up inside my ribcage. No words were spoken at that time. Simply ghostly tears and the pain slowly fading away in that high altitude.

I managed to channel my love to someone else, and eventually forgot my feelings for him. I moved on in a sense. There were chances that we had to close physically, but I was contented of the fact that we were just friends.

Fast forward to the present time, just like old times, we have been texting. Sometimes I start it, sometimes him. He's still with his girl. I'm still single.

I find it awkward that everytime he texts me I feel like a querida. I feel like we are talking about things he should be talking with his girlfriend. I feel like being a pseudo-girlfriend again. Though I won't deny that he still has a special place in my heart, and I have a feeling I have one too.

That sounds soooooo self-serving but that's what I feel. I remembered one time, we were walking along a highway; it was our first time to meet after a year or so. He mentioned he wanted to be close to me even for just a short while. I knew then that there is something between us. Not on a lovers level but not simply just on a friendly level.

Sometimes, I just want to tell him to really own me. Make me his. Tell me that I am his because honestly, that is really our relationship is. We just need to make it official. So that I can shout to the world that I am officially his.

The year 2013 is a fairly good year for me. I had no major setbacks in my life. No biggie. Just a few somethin somethin from work of which I have no control over.

I am putting this into writing to symbolize that I am letting go of the bitterness of this particular event. Though I am letting go, doesn't mean I will not base my future decisions on this "trivial" matter. This particular scenario, in my opinion, showcases the weakness of our section. But let's not spoil the fun. You be the judge after I explained my side.

---

I never actually thought that I will be praised for the 1st one since it is just a simple transition effect using powerpoint. After being praised for the 1st teaser that I made, I rev'd up my gears for more creative teasers for the major event that was assigned to me. I spent a non-OT paid weekend to conceptualize an effective campaign for my teasers. I even downloaded related items from the internet during the same weekend so that come Monday I will start working on my concepts.

After two full working days, I finally finished the 2nd teaser. Friends, I present to you the unreleased 2nd teaser for the 17th CIP Season:

I really felt good after I finished the material. I know for a fact that it was fresh and it was never done before. With pride, I presented it to my co-workers in the office and of course to my supervisor and received positive feedback. That is why it came as a big shocker when it went for final judging, it was ultimately scrapped.

The reason? It's NOT CORPORATE.

I slaved for 2 days. I even conceptualized unpaid. Yet, it was all scrapped because the material was NOT CORPORATE.

FUCK right?

I was on brink of a tantrum that day. Good thing friends and people from other sections were very supportive. Without consent, I sent my work to selected people in the company to get their view. I got positive responses as well. No surprise there.

It was then I realized that I will never be able to show my true potential in my work. Call me an onion skinned bitch but that is true. You cannot present an out-of-the-box idea to someone that is already close-minded to accept the idea and expect a positive result. I've read somewhere that free-spirits or those in the creative business don't work well in box, three dimensional prison called Corporate world.

Hence, starting that day, I never placed my whole creative output for each of the things that I design since it was a well thought of material for me. I used the Minions' popularity because my intended audience were the new hires and was clearly set to create awareness. Then they had the nerve to say that my campaign was not effective since no one is aware of it.

Duh! Yeah, because I made less than worthy of my talent materials after.

That particular scenario really did a blow on my confidence (ok yeah, my ego too!). It was something that I made with all my creative talents yet was deemed unworthy to be released by simply not being corporate. If I remember correctly, I had comments like the other managers will not appreciate it, etc. My point is, they were not the intended audience anyway. They already know the project, why entice them?

One thing I can assure you. I'm not Kiss Ass.

I clearly remember this awkward moment (well... for me at least...) during the Thomasian Welcome Walk 2009...

The event, which was spearheaded by the UST Central Student Council, came to an end in smashing success. It was a very tiring day for the officers and the staff having to endure a planning session in the morning, then do each of our assigned duties for the event that started early afternoon and lasted early evening. Committee heads like yours truly have dual assignments, as I am the head of the First Aid Booth as well as a runner for one of the OSA (Office for Student Affairs) staff.

I came back to the office to get a whiff of cold air to freshen up. All the running plus the hot temperature of the afternoon opened up all the sweat glands in my body. Not to mention, uber tired for the same reasons.

I sat down on our desk (actually, the Office of the Auditor's desk) with a big thud. The aircon doing its job of relieving the hot stresses of the day's event. After getting comfy for a bit, I decided to go the restroom to wash up the grime even for just the face and arms.

During our time, the 2nd floor restroom of the Tan Yan Kee Student Center is for the exclusive use of the OSA Staff, VIPs, and the Student Leaders whose offices are located on the floor which are CSC and SOCC. CSC 08-09 provided a special keyholder for the key the restroom which was inherited by CSC 09-10. The restroom key was inside a key ring that is attached to a big wooden key figure.

I took the ginormous key of comfort and proceeded to the restroom. Cloud nine feelings of contentment envelop me as the cool water slowly cleanses my skin. I bought a facial cleanser for the sole purpose of washing up after the end of the day. I learned this lesson during the last CSC event that clean up is a must after every event and bring your own cleaning agents. I generously used both the cleanser and the cool water to satisfy my end of event wash up routine.

When I came back to the office, a handful of staff and officers were already there. Everyone cheered congratulations to each other for a very successful event. Of course, though there is an air of happiness, it is tainted by the desire to freshen up from the tiring activity. We found leftover shirts from last year's Paskuhan. After getting consent from the officers to use it, I took one that is my size and returned to the restroom to change.

Of course since I'm a Dyosa, I went straight to the cubicle to change upon entering the rest room. Two other male staff came in the restroom while I was changing. It didn't took a light year for me to change so I got out of the cubicle fast. They were having a conversation while I came out. I smiled at them went straight to lavatory and fixed my hair with the water. When I looked in the mirror...

there it was... A slow mo awkward moment...

The two male staff slowly (well in my mind since its a slow mo moment) lifted their shirts to their heads. Revealing their boyish non toned slim physiques. During this time, my faux jaw that is invisible to others dropped to the floor of course in slow mo fashion as well. They revealed a smile after removing their shirts and continued their conversation while I just stood their in silence trying not to freak out while in between two half naked guys. Both of them are not really gwapo, but one is really appealing sexually, while the other one has really a charming smile.

One of them asked me if I had a soap, I pointed to the available hand soap, trying to act cool amidst the confusion with the situation. After tossing my hair just a bit more, I decided to leave, but not before I had a final look at the fine reward that was given to me for a job well done.

Haha!

I was browsing through the blogosphere when I accidentally stumbled upon Junakis's blog. I read through his writings and I must say I love it! But what most hit me his is short story entitled, "Noted, Love"

What really hit me is the story itself. But before that I would like to thank Darwin Taylo for sharing his gift of writing to the world. Really. So good.

Anyhoo, as I mentioned, what really hit me is the story itself. Probably because it hit a mark on a certain memory that as much as I want to forget, is one of the reason why I stand tall.

Like the story, I once had a "relationship", quote unquote, that ended abruptly. It has that same element of everything feeling right and falling into place then in just a snap, everything is swallowed into the void with no explanations whatsoever.

Anyway, I won't be putting much detail into that since you can read all about in the the Angel of Torment section of my blog.

Dahil kagabi walang internet, napagdesisyunan kong basahin nalang yung binili kong komiks last weekend. At hindi ako nadisappoint!

My gosh! Magkakasundo kami ng author neto pag makita kami! I think he has a very clear picture of the conversations that I want to talk about with my future husband! *Chows!*

The komiks is really witty and filled with philosophical questions about life. Actually... it inspired me to write a piece. So watch out for that!

Looking forward in buying the other comic complilation of KikoMachine! Highly recommended for High IQ people! Sa mga in the lower strata of the quotient, Pupung nalang kayo... Baka kasi hindi kayo matawa eh. whahahhah!

My most favorit VPop Artist is Cuong 7. Here is his new video that translate to "Love you"


Yêu Em
by Cuong 7

Vietnamese Lyrics: Từng ngày trôi qua, tìm kiếm nơi cảm xúc ta vô tình này người vào mơ bao lâu và chìm trong miên man nghĩ về những yêu thương ta chôn vùi sâu,từ bao đêm say . Và để rồi một lần nữa tìm được em sau bao tháng ngày người con gái khiến anh chìm vào những ngất ngây. Và lại một lần nữa trái tim anh này lại được lắp đầy về một khao khát luôn có em trong vòng tay. Một lần thôi em nhé đến trái tim được nghe những yêu thương anh luôn dành tặng riêng cho người. Và tình yêu anh sẽ giúp xóa đi cơn mê trong lòng anh bấy lâu. Hãy cho anh được yêu em, yêu em, yêu em từ con tim này được lên tiếng khi em kề bên. Hãy cho anh được yêu em, yêu em, yêu em từ giấc mơ được gọi tên anh mỗi đêm. Một lần thôi em nhé đến trái tim được nghe những yêu thương anh luôn dành tặng riêng cho người. Và tình yêu anh sẽ giúp xóa đi cơn mê trong lòng anh bấy lâu. Kể từ ngày em đi để từng cuối chân trời nơi những vì sao kia đang từng vui lung linh và tràn ngập trong suy nghĩ về em. Người con gái trong mơ anh bao đêm kiếm tìm để rồi từng ngày nhung nhớ người tình yêu trong khúc hát này người làm anh chìm đắm trong mê say. Và lại một lần nữa trái tim anh này lại được lắp đầy về một khao khát luôn có em trong vòng tay. Một lần thôi em nhé đến trái tim được nghe những yêu thương anh luôn dành tặng riêng cho người. Và tình yêu anh sẽ giúp xóa đi cơn mê trong lòng anh bấy lâu. Hãy cho anh được yêu em, yêu em, yêu em từ con tim này được lên tiếng khi em kề bên. Hãy cho anh được yêu em, yêu em, yêu em từ giấc mơ được gọi tên anh mỗi đêm. Anh dằn vặt đôi cơn bão, luôn đôi cả đại dương xanh ước ao gạt bóng đêm giữ luôn định luật khoảng cách cho dù là bất cứ khi nào, bất cứ nơi nào không thể ai ngăn cách được em và anh nắng ấm sẽ tìm tới bên em baby girl đừng lo lắng anh sẽ lại vẽ bầu trời đầy nắng vì em là viên kim cương quý giá anh đi tìm khắp bố phương và chỉ có em anh thức được trái tim đã ngủ quên ở thiên đường. Một lần thôi em nhé đến trái tim được nghe những yêu thương anh luôn dành tặng riêng cho người. Và tình yêu anh sẽ giúp xóa đi cơn mê trong lòng anh bấy lâu. Hãy cho anh được yêu em, yêu em, yêu em từ con tim này được lên tiếng khi em kề bên. Hãy cho anh được yêu em, yêu em, yêu em từ giấc mơ được gọi tên anh mỗi đêm. Một lần thôi em nhé đến trái tim được nghe những yêu thương anh luôn dành tặng riêng cho người. Và tình yêu anh sẽ giúp xóa đi cơn mê trong lòng anh bấy lâu.Hãy cho anh được yêu.

English Lyrics (Translated using Google Translate) Each passing day , we search where emotion this accidentally in the long dream and sunk in thought endlessly about my love buried deep , from which night drunk . And so then find them again after so many months of the date a girl made ​​him sink into ecstasy . And once again my heart this is about a longing fills you in my arms always . Okay once you hear the heart to love him always dedicated for people . And he would love to remove the coma in his heart for so long . Let's give him the love you , love you , love you from my heart was when I spoke adjacent . Let's give him the love you , love you , love you from the dream his name every night . Okay once you hear the heart to love him always dedicated for people . And he would love to remove the coma in his heart for so long . Since the end of each day I go to where the horizon is the starlight shimmer ever happy and overwhelmed thinking about you . The girl in his dream which seeks night and day by day but thanks to the love of singing this song make you immersed in the fascination . And once again my heart this is about a longing fills you in my arms always . Okay once you hear the heart to love him always dedicated for people . And he would love to remove the coma in his heart for so long . Let's give him the love you , love you , love you from my heart was when I spoke adjacent . Let's give him the love you , love you , love you from the dream his name every night . He sometimes tormenting storm , always double blue oceans desire to keep the darkness always deceive law whether the distance anytime , anywhere who can not be separated from me and you will find the warm sunshine baby girl by your side do not worry he will re- draw the sunny skies because they are precious diamonds you go looking around and just have my dad the way he fell asleep hearts in heaven . Okay once you hear the heart to love him always dedicated for people . And he would love to remove the coma in his heart for so long . Let's give him the love you , love you , love you from my heart was when I spoke adjacent . Let's give him the love you , love you , love you from the dream his name every night . Okay once you hear the heart to love him always dedicated for people . And he would love to remove the coma in his heart for his beloved lau.Hay then.