There are nights when part of me wants to tell you to just own me. Tell me that you need me. Tell me that you want me by your side. It's okay if you have a girlfriend,

I don't intend to be her replacement. I just want you to acknowledge me. To inform me that indeed, you want me to be with you always.

Why do I always feel uneasy everytime we text and talk to each other? It's as if we are cheating with your girlfriend. Is it just me or you feel that too? I never

really understood that feeling. I mean we are just talking right? No feelings attached, just friends talking.

I thought when I gave up on you, I can finally move on with my feelings of love for you. But the passage of time only made my life for you slowly come back to my

heart.

I miss you. I love you. Please just tell me you own me and I'm yours.

It was just last Thursday when I sent out my Photostory teaser. I must say I am quite pleased with the reaction. Though there were few insensitive comments that they don't understand it etc. It's as if they don't know what a teaser is. But for now I guess I'll just focus on the positive side.

I'm overwhelmed with the reaction really from the target audience. Obviously, the objective was met since it caused quite a stir since loads of people are asking me about it. Plus there was an email saying <b> "INTERESTING"</b>.

Those little things solidify my resolve that, indeed, I made the right decision to ask for my transfer to HR Training.

I can never thank my company enough for doing such an extraordinary move with my career. An Engineer in HR, it's something that I will forever hold in my heart. I will prove that they made the right decision for this move.

I'm also thankful for providing me with the so much support. They recognize my talent and gives me liberty to decide on  creative choices.

Thank you. thank you!

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You are in my dreams again.

We were living under the same roof. I was watching you sleep soundly on your bed. Your torso exposed. Your handsome charm rubbing on me like it's my 1st time seeing you that way. You're like sunshine. Making me warm. My sustenance in this world. You're my forbidden dessert. Delectable but i swore never to indulge on you.

You woke up and saw me watching you. You beamed your pearly whites. My knees turned jelly; i almost melted to slush.

You stood up wearing nothing but boxers and hugged me. No pretentions. It's as if you have always wanted to do that. You closed your eyes and held me closer. Tighter. No other sound than the silent humming of the aircon unit can be heard. And as if on cue, i hugged you back. Eyes welting tears.

You broke the tightness and held me by my waist. You looked deep in my eyes and smiled. My arm still around your nape, i place my head closer to your torso. "I love this man", the fact chorused by my brain and heart. I slide down on of my hand to feel your torso.

I looked up and smiled back at you.

"Kain na ng breakfast", my morning line to you... Just like yesteryears.

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All the things written in the following letter is in the mithos of JK Rowling's Harry Potter Wizarding World.

March 8, 2014 MINISTER FOR MAGIC Office of the Minister for Magic Ministry of Magic
Good day Minister! I hope you are fine. I love to say more friendly terms but I really need to vociferate my current stature in my workplace. I appeal that I be transferred to another Department preferably the Ministry Overseer's Department, specifically in the Supplementary Magical Education Section. At the moment, I'm still working under Azkaban's Imperious Mismanaged Schemes Office. In which I am very dutiful given someone of my magical talents. But working for the Imperious Mismanaged Schemes Office for a little over a year, I have collated capacious amounts of affirmation that I resent working in such office. I would like to elucidate that I do not abhor my job in the office per se, on the contrary, I reckon I fit perfectly for the task. But given the copious reasons why it will be better for me to physically, mentally, and emotionally leave that hell of a position. I am hollering at the top of my lungs that I may be transferred, immediately. To put it bluntly, I can't stand working with the dementor anymore. Its presence drains the happiness from all our staff members. Our Patronus Charm works perfectly in our safe haven. It is very powerful that the dementor refrains from coming to our office. But we are plagued by our inevitable encounter with that detestable creature since it is still part of the workforce. There is never a week that our whole office wallows in despair and hopelessness that only a fully fledged dementor can accomplish. It's torture far graver than the Cruciatus Curse. I am quite certain that it will come in no surprise that all of our staff members will be permanent residents of St. Mungo's in the future. No Healer would be powerful enough to reverse the horrid effects to one's mental and emotional health after being around the dementor too long. Once more Minister, I plead with all my remaining sanity and magical prowess, make my transfer to the Ministry Overseer's Department, Supplementary Magical Education be official as soon as possible. It is just as simple as getting a decree from you using a piece of parchment and ink. Please Minister. Help me. PROMISING YOUNG WIZARD/WITCH

Dear Young Blood,

I can never personally say these things to you; that’s why this will be the only avenue where I can freely express that you are special to me. It’s not that I am ashamed to let you and the world know that you are dear to me… It’s just that… things will just be complicated once you know how I feel.

It’s not that I love you or anything. I mean. Duh! You’re like some years my junior. But I do admit that a part of me likes you. The part of me that’s intrigued/curious about your whole being. Curious about your smile that hides an emotional wound; about the strict sense of responsibility; about the level of deepness that someone your age had developed; and about your future endeavors and dreams.

Yes Yes. It was at first, your looks that attracted me to you. You might not be the uber gwapo type of guy but I can vouch that you are a Certified Cutie. Itataya ko Dyosa Powers ko dyan! Then I got to know you more which made me realize that you are not just a pretty face.

There was this time that you did something right in front me. I was shocked then that I froze. I don’t know if you have noticed that. But looking back, apart from the shock factor, I am quite honored that you have high trust in me. I believe only those with enough trust to a Dyosa like me will be able to do that, so thank you…

To tell you the truth, after that, I began paying more attention to you. I noticed that you have nice bum. But your thighs are much bigger proportional to your body size. You have also gained some weight as evidenced by that bump in your solar plexus. I know you are conscious about these but I assure you, your girlfriend won’t mind since she’s with a cutie, with brains to boot.

Finally, I would like to use this chance to thank you for having such high regard about me. I may not always show my intellectual prowess but you are one of the only few people who can see through my happy-go-lucky veil, which I also hold with high regard. I promise not to disappoint you with the next endeavors that I do. You are always part of my thinking process and surely, one of my projects will benefit you. Keep up your good work!

I recently have been reading about how to manage people. Not that I aim to be a manager anytime soon but more on the circumstance that I will be transferred to a different section soon.

The book by Beverly Kate and Sharon Jordan-Evans entitled: Love ‘Em or Lose ‘Em is very informative. It provides 26 strategies on how to keep good employees. I swear, even the Preface speaks volumes! Every chapter gives very real-life situations that will make you rethink everything what a ”manager” is; such as: it’s their job to communicate with those under them (Chapter 1). Supporting Career Growth (Chapter 3); Stop being a Jerk (Chapter 10); Build connection with their employees (Chapter 12); be a mentor (Chapter 13); and more!

As I read each chapter, I found myself nodding in agreement to everything I read. It really hits the spot since everything applies to me. I learned in Chapter 5 that what is happening to me is DISENGAGING - psychological separation as opposed to RESIGNING, which is Physical Separation. This manifested by absenteeism and less than quality work with a question, ”What’s the point anyway?”. It hits the mark perfectly.

I think, the overall lesson of the book is to have a pro-employee approach. The company should be pro-active in getting to know the employees more and adapting to their needs. It is not a 100% guarantee that the company will retain its prized employees, but it will lessen the amount of brain drain from one’s company, or even one’s department.


A few days ago, I was gossiping with a dear friend about a certain relationship between two people. Well, ex relationship anyway. I'm not exactly curious of the totality of the relationship but more on their dynamics.

I'm curious of how it started; Was it just about physical attraction? Was it just because of their similarity of being attracted with the same sex? Or more?



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This film is one of the most powerful film I have watched. I was never one to look at the technical aspects anyway because I'm more curious of the story, the characters, and the implication of the film in real life. Anyhoo... enjoy O beautiful.


This film is an after story of a hate crime. A story of what-if's and wishful thinking. A story of regret and penance.

Brad
Part of me empathize with Brad. His emotions in the film really push some of my buttons. Probably because I experienced them too. Though I was not in anyway raped before, I understand the feeling of terror when Andy came back with his truck. The thought of someone not part of your inner circle knowing what you are brings out the phobia in any budding gay kid. Not to mention, this guy who came back is friends or even teammates with Brad's rapists.

I understand Brad's reaction all too well. The self-pity. The rage. The defensiveness. The mellowing. The resolve. It's as if Brad represents all there is about a gay kid's life. The five phases that I mentioned encompass the 5 stages of moving on of a gay man, well, for me at least.

I remembered shutting myself to others because I was afraid other boys I'll think that I'm just want to be friends with them for their bodies. That's why my initial reaction when guys approached me before was evasion or a shiver, just like Brad did when Andy tried to wipe the blood using his bonnet. I still have that fear even today and I am always very careful around other men around me.

There were two instances that Brad mellowed out to Andy. That one time the Brad invited Andy to his house and in the truck when Andy was fake asleep. I've always wondered how it turned out if Andy obliged to Brad's invitation. If Andy just accepted the invitation, Brad wouldn't have ran away. I imagined it to be a window of weakness for Brad, it was a risk asking a guy whom he barely talk to to come with him to his home. That's why I perfectly understand that when Andy turned him down, his defenses went back on. Then in the truck when Andy was faking he's asleep, he told him he was lying. He told him the truth. He told him that he was a virgin. He bared himself to Andy...

"but tonight..."

When Brad was touching Andy's chest, there was no lust in his eyes. He just wanted someone or some guy to care for him. Someone with a warm chest and a sturdy shoulder so he can shed his armor of bravado. I can totally relate.

That's why I perfectly understand when Brad turned on his defenses after Andy confessed that he watched the whole ordeal. He was thinking he found the guy that he can trust, being the first person that he told his true persona, only to be betrayed at the last minute. oooh boy... I totally relate.

In retrospect, Brad not taking Andy's hand when he was trying to give a handshake is simply a defensive mechanism. But I can imagine that it was pretty hard on Brad's part evidenced by a long pause during the handshake scene.

In my mind, Brad was crying both in rage and disappointment for the boy he thought he could trust.

Andy
This character is a very complex one. That's why I fell in love with David Clayton Rogers immediately after the last scene. He provided the right emotions, expressions, and repression to make the character likable, believable, and human. I may not like it, as I picture Andy as a perfect but broken guy, he's a closeted homosexual. Yep. he is.

I can describe Andy with one word, CONFUSED. He is confused of trying to be a good person yet tries so hard to protect his image especially with his peers. He knows that what they did was wrong, but was afraid that he will be called a fag if he stops his friends. He believes that being a gay is not ok with God but deep inside him, he knows, he is one. And that's his reason for not coming out of the closet, he speaks of religion but the truth is he's just afraid.

All throughout the film, we can see a very unstable Andy, one scene his shouting and cursing, yet in the next scene he will be friendly and nice. This adds to the Confused description that I gave him. He's not exactly sure how to handle the situation. He came back to help, but was not expecting the antagonistic response of Brad. That pissed him off but tried to calm down and still help. By the end of the movie, it was revealed that he was guilty for what happened to Brad. He watched as his peers sodomized this gay kid in front of him. He was so guilty that's why it came to the point that he allowed Brad to touch him. If you would recall that scene, that was the time that his face really looked as if he was thinking of something heavy. Then... He confessed to Brad that he watch.

One line that redeemed Andy for me is the last line...

"Hey Brad... Send me some... postcards or somethin..."

I think this showed that he really showed compassion and care for Brad. Brad may or may not oblige to this but I'm sure it will be on Brad's mind.

---

I love this film. I can keep watching it again and again. oh Dvaid Clayton Rogers... Why are you so beautiful?

Last Friday maybe the most life changing Friday in my life. I spent the night before that thinking of what I should do and surely enough, I got something out of that hour walk from the office to my house.

I expressed myself.

Some might look down on what I did; Call me stupid. an ingrate even. But one thing is clear to me: "People who are not forward thinkers tend to settle with the past and with what-used-to-be's". They are contented with the status quo and a push of the envelop is looked down upon. Everything packaged in their perfect Corporate world.

I was even told to be unprofessional that day. As if the definition of professional is utmost obedience. Not on my dictionary. I believe I was very vocal of my reason why I accepted my job and given the circumstance that time, I held that reason very dearly that's why I refused to be transferred to another section. The circumstance has changed and the bias has been unearthed; Time to move away from one's stresses and into real happiness.

I can the defend the move that I did. I am quite sure that I am very much qualified to fill the post and so does others.

Bahala sila magtaasan ng kilay. Basta ako... I'm in my zone.

All this years, I have denied that I ever felt something for this guy. I have spoken all techniques of negation of the subject. I even tried, though with a heavy heart, pulling myself away from him. But to only go back beside him because he needed me.

I made a decision to hide my feelings for him because I know for a fact that it will be complicated. Though, that did not stop me to show that I care for him deeply. I just acted normally as if everything I do is normal for a gay friend to do for his straight guy friend. I just thought that I am his pseudo-girlfriend, without the hatid-sundo drama and the sex part. That's how I acted, and people soon recognized our situation.

The people around us began questioning our relationship. They began teasing us because of our closeness. My pseudo-girlfriend act became a real girlfriend act in their screwed mind.

Eventually, I pulled away. I retreated to another avenue in my life just to save myself from hurting inside. I want to always stay by him. I want to always talk to him, text him, see his smiles, his bare torso... I wanted to serve him because that's the only way I know I can show that I love him. I didn't want to say it out loud; I just want him to feel what I feel for him.

There came a time that I forced myself to relinquish my feelings for him. I saw that he was happy with his girl and I was not even close to him both physically and emotionally, felt that it was time to let him go. It was the best thing to do for him and, most especially, for me. During one of our out-of-town trips, I cried silently while I stand atop a hill. I let my tears silently fall while my heart tears up inside my ribcage. No words were spoken at that time. Simply ghostly tears and the pain slowly fading away in that high altitude.

I managed to channel my love to someone else, and eventually forgot my feelings for him. I moved on in a sense. There were chances that we had to close physically, but I was contented of the fact that we were just friends.

Fast forward to the present time, just like old times, we have been texting. Sometimes I start it, sometimes him. He's still with his girl. I'm still single.

I find it awkward that everytime he texts me I feel like a querida. I feel like we are talking about things he should be talking with his girlfriend. I feel like being a pseudo-girlfriend again. Though I won't deny that he still has a special place in my heart, and I have a feeling I have one too.

That sounds soooooo self-serving but that's what I feel. I remembered one time, we were walking along a highway; it was our first time to meet after a year or so. He mentioned he wanted to be close to me even for just a short while. I knew then that there is something between us. Not on a lovers level but not simply just on a friendly level.

Sometimes, I just want to tell him to really own me. Make me his. Tell me that I am his because honestly, that is really our relationship is. We just need to make it official. So that I can shout to the world that I am officially his.