Don’t have a relationship with a person who doesn’t love himself. Happy people love themselves first before they love others…
-TheNotebookOfLove

Pag may nagtatanong saken ng: “What are your regrets in life?”, usually wala akong maisagot. Until now… I don’t really treat my failures as something to be regretted. Kasi naniniwala ako na those failures happened because they have a reason.

My very first regret is that I gave my treasure to him. I’m talking about my copy of “Mga Munting Tinig”. I know, AMBABAW diba? I bought it when I when I was still a student. Imagine, My baon was like 100 pesos a day only, fare and food included, classes and organization work from 9am to 9pm, dota with the boys, to come up with 475 pesos to buy the copy is one heck of TGIS (Tiis Gutom Ipon Salapi)! So apart from the very world class content of that film, it’s really special because of the way that I got it for myself. I remember the time when I first watched it. I thought of going public after graduation. I’ll teach in public schools because I think that I can really help out. It’s really one of the big reasons why I wanted to become a teacher. I know I can help out, I know I can reach out. And I’ll do it in the best way I know I can. Good thing my friends slapped me out of it, literally.

Well, I insisted that he take it. I really wanted him to have it. I know that he loves the movie. Just like I do. The sad thing is that, even after giving him that very special item, he still thinks that I’m ruining his life. He said so; I don’t think someone will just say that on impulse. There must be something in him that thinks that I really do am ruining his life. That is what I don’t understand. And he doesn’t want to explain. I am left with all these questions. I don’t even know where or how to start to answer them. Haaaaay… It’s just sad that even after giving him that special treasure, he still chose to leave me. I’ve regretted it ever since.

But the biggest regret that I have in my life is that I shared my dream with him, and he did nothing but shatter it to pieces. It’s not every day that you meet someone with the same level of passion towards education as me. I shared my dream with him because I believed that I found someone who understands my passion. This dream I’m talking about is what I entitled Project enREACH. It’s an online academic assistance and scholarship information site. We are supposed to be the moderators of the website. We talked about the things that we can do there. He can continue his discussion there just in case the kids will have more questions. Or they lack time in the classroom that they would need to discuss it more. Things like that. Then on my end, I will handle the technical, clerical, and administrative aspects of the project. Of course, I’ll also pitch in in the discussion, especially in my subjects. We talked about this dream even before I told him I love him. That is why I was shattered when he told me he doesn’t need the website anymore. For me, it wasn’t just my dream anymore, it was our dream. All the plans that we talked about simply vanished just because he said he didn’t need it anymore. We could have still continued the Project even just as friends.

I’m trying to pick up the pieces of my shattered dreams one by one. Honestly, it’s hard. I entrusted my dream to someone whom I thought understands the importance and the fulfilment of the project to me, but I was not only disappointed, I was shattered and betrayed. Every time I remember the time that we talked about the project, tears just keeps rushing to my eyes. I will always regret the fact that I shared my dream to a monster that did nothing but tear my dream to pieces.

Ever since the time he told me he didn’t love me, I’ve always exuded strength. There are tons of people who asked me if I’m ok. Like a robot I always gave them a very cheerful reply. But there are those days when the pain catches up to me. Days when I feel that I’m not that strong. Up until now, I still cry because I still think about the questions that I have in my mind. I don’t know why but despite the overwhelming hatred that I have for him. Part of me just doesn’t cease to love him. Although I can feel that my love is slowly dissipating, I just don’t get the reason why it just can’t puff away like a smoke. No matter how hard I try to throw away the questions I have in my mind, I just can’t seem to forget about them. Am I really just a toy for him? That he only talked to me because he had spare time? And now that he is “busy” with his work he would just simply tuck me away? Or am I just a pawn in his little game of revenge? He just did everything to exact revenge on my friend. And I was his prime target because I was easily manipulated. I always look at the positive sides of people but I don’t have any more explanation to counter these statements.

I pray that the monster won’t enter my life again. I pray that he wouldn’t have the chance to talk to me, see me, and hurt me. I pray that he be tamed in his cage and never be able to shatter other people dreams again. I pray that the people around him be safe to the ferocious monster that hides in his gentle persona. I pray that no person be once again be a victim of his predatory instincts.

I dedicate this song to myself. Although in context it’s not really a song for me. But the message it’s trying to portray really is something that I must put into mind. I also dedicate this song to this special boy who is experiencing the same thing as I do. This one’s for you too PJ.

And I promise… That it’s not your fault… It was never your fault

Always remember that too PJ.