Last night, my world tumbled down. Today, I am rebuilding it.
-Inhinyera Dyosa Whilhelmina
Last night was probably one of the most memorable nights in my life. I had a falling out with the person I loved most. There're actually a lot of issues. But it only boils down to one. He doesn't love me. No, I think this sounds more correct: He didn't love me...
After his dinner break, we resumed the conversation. The 1st part before the break, it was very warm and very friendly. But afterwards, it's a different story. I asked if he is still up for the HP 7.2 which we planned beforehand. He said they will have a parent orientation and that he needs to be prepared. 2nd disappointment. Its the 2nd because I already had one during the 1st part. Next, I asked if we will push through with our date next week. He said he can't say yes because he will be busy. 3rd disappointment. It will be embarrassing on his part if he will back out last minute. I said I don't understand. He countered with the statement that he will return the cds I lend him. He said that maybe I need them already. This time I was pretty pissed. I replied that I don't need them because I already watched all of them. He then said he will return the "Mga Munting Tinig" cd as well if I need it. He will just have his students watch another movie selection. My heart sank. 4th disappointment. I know that he loves that movie, and he told me that he wants to have his students watch it, as well as his co-teachers. I recognize a rejection tactic when I see one. Well to give him credit, I think he didn't realize that that is what he was doing.
I asked him the question I asked him before through text during the course of this lachrymose week. "Do you love me?" I asked him eagerly. He said he doesn't want to hurt me further. I replied by saying so No? He said he tried but he's still hesitating. So really no? I said sternly. He said that He can only love me as a friend. I told him that he shouldn't have told me that he really loves me because I was already contented with our friendship back then. He admitted its his fault. I babbled for a while. You know, the usual stuff. He said that he will take in any insult I will call him. But I didn't do that. Basically because I wasn't mad.
Then, the last part of our conversation. I admitted to him that I hacked his yahoo mail account. Well, since he doesn't want to tell me what his problem is, I know I had to find it out for myself. No hope from his BFFs because I think they are busy as well with their lives. He became angry. I felt it. I felt the intensity of his messages towards me. I asked forgiveness for like a hundred times. But I know that it will fall on deaf ears because he's already mad. I know that he's too sensitive, and that he will not listen to anything that I will say. He said he will return all the stuff I lent him and all the things that I gave. Of course, I pleaded that he not do that. I gave those stuff as a token of friendship to him. I gave them to him when I still has no malice towards our relationship. Afterwards, he's gone.
This is my official statement regarding my act of hacking his yahoo mail account. I will not defend myself to the core. But I will say this, I know that what I did was wrong. I actually felt conscientious after doing the act. He wasn't planning on telling me what his problems were so I decided to go through with this. But please bear in mind that I was in the image that he loves me, and with desperation of knowing what his real problems were were growing. I resulted to such an act. Again, I really felt bad about this. Please don't judge me by this act alone. I love him, that's why I did it.
Even though he played me, I am still not mad at him. Because I already knew the answer to my question a week before he answered them last night. My instincts were shouting like mad that he doesn't love me. I just chose to ignore it because I trusted his words that he loved me. I add the fuel every day so that I will not become too weary. I just asked him last night for formality. So that there will be a reason to believe logically that he doesn't love me. 5th disappointment. I'm disappointed that my instincts were correct all along.
Earlier, I texted another message to him. It's about resetting to the time before he told me he loved me the 1st time. I told him that that was the happiest days of my life. If it wouldn't be such a burden I would like to revert to that particular time. I begged practically for this one. I know that I don't want to part with him, our friendship is important to me. I told him before that our friendship is more important than my feelings. I would do anything to salvage it. As of now he hasn't replied yet.
I know it would take a while before he can forgive for the thing that I did. He closed his world to me right now. But I am optimistic that he will learn to forgive me. He's sensitivity is somehow the sign of him being stubborn and I understand that because we are the same on that aspect. I just wish that by the time that he realize how important I am to him, I haven't moved on yet. I may be understanding, but I am not a saint.
For now, I feel very much light. It feels as though a heavy baggage has been lifted. I didn't cry at all today and I just thought of him while I was writing my message. Maybe this is it. This is the best for the both of us. I just saddened that I wasn't able to meet his two BFFs in person. Somehow I think I have connected to them, at it would have been nice to get to know them.
Anyway, as for now, I am happy. Happy that I finally had the truth that I deserved. Happy cause I know everything will be alright.